Episode 85: Haunted

Aren't there memories, things, and people that always haunt you when you least expect it? 

I walked the breadth of Northampton today, but at the beginning of this walk, I almost turned back around to Smith after I bought my Hungry Ghost rosemary bread because I'd rather sit somewhere private and chomp on it than walk and explore this little town in the rain alone.

My brown bagged bread, in the shape of a half-moon and as wide as half my chest, was slowly getting wet by droplets of rain. I hugged it closer to myself and imagined what turning back to Smith meant. It meant sitting down for the next several hours , pouring over words and numbers that meant something to me and will mean something to me. Neilson Library is beautiful but it would be the same Mac Screen and Mac mouse, the same seat, third day in a row. 

I don't dread a routine, but I do dread mediocrity. And god would it feel so damn mediocre to sit somewhere on a rainy day and do nothing but read and study. If exploring downtown meant hugging this warm bread that would only slowly de-warm itself for the rest of the afternoon, so be it. I was in search of something random and extraordinary even if I couldn't find it today. And isn't it the worst thing ever to hold something that's cooling?

It's a week before classes begin and nothing is happening on campus, except for random pop ups like sushi night two nights ago. A sushi buffet! Imagine that again, Ngoc. THAT was extraordinary. But nothing is happening and I'm tired of being a bum in my room or being a bum in the library or a bum in the dining halls for the past 72 hours. 

So I walked the length of Northampton, hiding a paper bag of this incredible bread from rain. I turned the corner and visited a store I've never been in before and inside were the most incredible things. 

A bar soap that scented like "Aurora Borealis."

Necklaces that were as glinty blue as mermaid tails.

Alpaca plushies made of real alpaca fur. 

I marveled in the store, eyes darting slowly from one magical thing to the next. I sniffed so many bar soaps. I've always been a hater of people who used them, just because it was ingrained in me how nasty bar soap usage can be, but I couldn't help but imagine all these scents on myself. 

Shee, I'd love to smell like an aurora borealis while looking like one one of these nights.

The cashier stepped away from the counter and asked, "Do you need any help finding anything?" 

Instead of giving a real answer, I said in awe, "Your place is incredible." The golden lights above us seemed to agree.

Behind her mask, she nodded agreeably while taking one step away from me. Maybe she needed to get back to something. 

Before I could doubt myself further, I continued, "There are things I haven't seen ever before. Everything is so carefully chosen. It's my first time here."

"Are you a townie or a part of the Five Colleges?" she asked. 

I said I wasn't a townie. "A senior at Smith. I'm a Smithie haha. I appreciate how you folks are also selling a Smithie's art piece up front over there. And I definitely should have visited here much earlier than in my senior year but also, I mean, it's my first time buying Hungry Ghost bread today too. A lot of firsts haha."

"I've never had Hungry Ghost bread myself. I used to be a UMass student and UMass is not as pretty as Smith. I visit Smith when I can and it's beautiful. I actually got this job because I haunted this store so much in my college days," she responded kindly.

"UMass is not that fugly haha. You guys have a pond and geese! And you can definitely try some of this Hungry Ghost bread if you'd like," I offered.

"We do. You're right, we do. And thanks but I just had a lot of pita today. You know, this is random, but I'm a part of a skating community called Crooked Teeth. You can definitely come, join, and see cool skaters in Northampton some time. I go often. :)" 

And oh shit in my head, I was thinking at this exact moment, "Am I making a friend right now? Really?" 

I replied excitedly that I'd love to come and watch and so we might see each other again. Maybe. 

I asked her later what's her favorite thing in the store. Like me, she loved the jewelry too. And so, that was extraordinary. 

I'm lucky I had my lucky but slightly less warm bread with me.  

Rosemary wafted to my nose like an embrace as I left the store, bidding goodbye and "maybe I'll see you again!" 

That entire conversation felt so easy.

And cute. 

:) 

Still thinking about the aurora borealis bar soap that I didn't buy when I was inside almost regretfully, I crossed the street to the bigger store, trying to find anything as pretty but cheaper than the earlier one I'd seen. 

I found nothing like it at all, but continued deeper into the marketplace where I knew an independent bookstore lay. 

I'm comfortable with my own company, I promise, but in a bookstore, it's super duper comfy to be in my own mind. Browsing and thinking and considering. All of these enticing bookcovers and there's a book that I come across. The same book I had just borrowed today. Babel by R.F. Kuang. 

And a flash of memories, not so distant, come back to me. I darted my eyes quickly from the book even if that doesn't do much. I've already borrowed it from the library today. 

I moved on. Continuing down the line of books and taking pictures of the lines I'd like to read later. And then another book by Leigh Bardugo. A writer that they also read. I moved on, just a little faster than before. To the nonfiction aisle and certainly, there, there would be no flash. 

Everything I allowed you to touch will always touch you in my mind. And I bet everything you've allowed me to touch will always touch me in your mind.

And so it goes. It seemed like forever ago, but for a moment I existed somewhere in our minds. 

I move to the front of the store. Maybe the storeowner noticed I've been documenting which books I'd like to read out of his store and is annoyed by it. Maybe that's why I didn't get a bag for the two beautiful bookmarks I purchased. 

And here again, I played the role of an anxious teetering person in an outwardly confident body.

I left happily with my unbagged bookmarks. Blue like mermaid tails and rivers pebbled in gold. 

I love it. I bet Phuong would love it too. I always held onto that beautiful notebook she gifted where a fisherman rows himself between water caves.

I am a water cave. Foundations deep below the sea but seen above land, far from her own motherland.

And the entire time, the rosemary bread smelled heavenly. Muscles in my thighs that I had trained a day ago were still sore as I trudged uphill back to Smith. Thankful for the walk and the new friend I made and the memories that came back to me. 

Thankful for a lot. For my legs, so strong to carry me. For myself in staying the path to extraordinary and the unexpected even if I'm a little haunted by the many things that yearn to stay a part of me, just because they once touched me. 

Not in a bad way! That's just so cool. I'll always be haunted and bear memories others will never know as I did. Remember people my parents will never meet. See things and places that are already changing themselves away. 

I'm writing awkwardly again. Okie.

Good evening folks! 

Your girl,

Ngoc

P.S. HUNGRY GHOST BREAD IS SO FUCKING GOOD!!!!!! nom nom nom