11.3.22.
Silver like the feeling in my belly. I sat between two old friends and three new ones. It's 9:30 pm and we are not coming back until the club closes.
Tonight was my first time actually doing this. I'm 22, and I just put on my best party dress. My friends have pre-gamed. Sonia is flushed red, telling me to touch their ears if my hands ever feel too cold. "My ears will warm you up." They were rose-colored, those ears. And those hands and cheeks. Naina doesn't look flushed at all. She looks at ease. Comfortable and excited about what will happen and calling me baby, Sonia baby, Ngoc baby. I'm not nervous at all, even as I feel glances from here and there.
The much younger version of me wouldn't ever imagine a world where I'm wearing a little shiny dress, heading out in 40-degree weather. Or imagine that I'd ever get curvier and curvier as the years went by. By that, I mean thick. Perhaps she'd feel sad that she never lost any weight. Sad that she just doesn't get any skinner from wherever she is until 22.
Disappointed that she still eats emotionally. But also interested in how any version bigger than her can so confidently navigate the world, unafraid of judgment. That at some point, her older self stopped caring. Instead, her older self cares about how she feels. Feeling stronger with every consistent week at the gym or eating well. :)
And started expressing. I go to classes in my best dresses at times. I wear the brightest colors on the rainiest days. If there's a fog, I'm a beacon of pink and cotton candy blue coming after you. I have a hunch. I'm going to be the first to die in a random shooting. I pop out like a sore thumb, dressed always in my best. Killed cuz she color-coordinated.
But here I am on the bus, taking it to Amherst. Sober dancing queen. I look so silly in all the selfies we take together. It's like I'm always searching for something offscreen or I smile weird. I look off. But normally, I look facially weird + clothing color coordination. You get someone who looks like they're always ready for class.
Heck, I actually challenged my favorite professor of all time to an arm-wrestling contest. I lost. Prof Makowski is NOT a brain on a stick. Anyways, I feel super lightheaded throughout the bus ride. I only had one real meal today. Two pizzas, one yogurt, and one Vietnamese coffee. I tell them I need to get pizza or I'm gonna faint. So the moment we hop off, we head to my favorite pizzeria, Antonio's. Of course, it'd be a shitton of partied guys who want pizza at 10:15 pm on a Saturday night. I don't blame them. It's thin, crispy, and absolutely perfect.
I savor every bite, grinning like a kid in my shiny dress with happy thoughts past lines and lines of folks waiting to get into other clubs. We find out they don't allow outside food, and Naina holds on and says she can totally wait for me. And so we wait. Naina. Sonia. Mariam. And me chewing as fast as I can while closing my eyes to enjoy every quick bite. They tell me not to rush, to go ahead and enjoy. Naina takes the chicken pieces -- I think we should get her a whole chicken pizza piece next time. I think she'd smile a big one awwwwww~
When we finally stepped in, my sixth sense activated. New to the space, my puffy black jacket gave me this feeling that I was protected. Once I let it go at the cost of $2 at the coat check counter, I feel seen.
I knew I glowed. I don't wear make-up. I just have this inner glow that I rely on. Cheeks glowing from my favorite avocado face cream and a smile glistening from cotton candy or coconut-flavored chapstick. The music is already loud in the dark bar area. Couples nestle together against one bar chair. Crowds of friends group at the bar booths. People are rushing out and in various states of casual dress. Tube tops and converse and cups of water held close. I ached to be where the music was coming from, unafraid to rush in after friends or intimidatingly tall men that I haven't seen anywhere on campus at Smith, haha.
The narrow passageway that barely fit two people walking past each other led to a dark, loud space. Club lights filled my vision. Music hollowed out my brain -- every song that I can possibly know. I knew the DJ was going to be good. Our small group of 6 folks found a spot at the corner of the well-spaced dance floor, not too many bodies at the moment.
We danced by the speakers. Fucking loud. I ushered our group close to the silver glass mirror on the opposite side. We took pictures while dancing. And truly danced to every song. I took so many water breaks, which was when I took in the room. As the Thursday night wore on, more and more people filled the floor, until our bodies were pushed to the edge again. It seemed guys were automatically dancing in the center and girls danced at the edges. Several times, the same guy or guys would push themselves past our circle of dancing girls to be in the middle and do some break dancing. It was cool and all except we didn't want it.
It got annoying ha. But my friends we swayed. Our hips and hands. Egging each other on in our little circle. Making eye contact to the other when the song slaps or if we're going to drop it. My knees still couldn't drop it so I stayed a safe amount of "low" :P. I had so much fun. Smiling and shining under lights for nobody but myself and my friends.
It didn't hurt that I felt eyes on me too. People searching for my contact as well, and though I would meet their eyes briefly, I'd look away. There's one place I'd rather be after this dance and it would be my own room, alone with my suitemates. Tucked under two layers of blankies and face all soapy and clean.
That's where I'd like to be.
Perhaps I'm still young, but I always imagined meeting someone I'd like somewhere else.
Somewhere I'd least expect, but the story would be beautiful regardless. Tonight, I'm meeting myself in a circle these new and old friends of mine are making.
The walk out of the club, all our ears were deafened. We could hardly hear each other, sounding like we're boozed as we raised our voices to hear each other. By the bus stop, I shared with everyone the difference between male rights and some other masculinist movement. We were all nerds and were like, "wowwww." The bus came. My legs were cold. My chest warm where my heart was.
A small little beating thing that liked attention and shining. That heart needs more cardio.
But my boots handled it well. I jumped for minutes and minutes straight.
Anyways. First night clubbing. 9/10 because of the company and minus 1 for the men that pushed their way into the center of the dance circle. :I :P
I like you, Ngoc.
I hope you'll always continue to live like this and show the world what you've got. A good bean you are. :)
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