I'm hecking hecking lonely right now. I feel so deep down lonely. It's raw. It hurts. It makes me choke, slows me down, makes me want to claw at my own skin so I can feel something. I've managed to push the feeling out of my system through distraction upon distraction for months now. It has returned almighty.
Tonight, I just can't push it back anymore.
I have friends. I have people I can reach out to. But I really miss what it feels like to have a partner. I miss feeling understood and embraced in ways that friendships and family can't quite fulfill. I've had the chance to meet some incredible people. Each have taught me incredible things but I... something's always missing. I miss the damn butterflies. I miss the innocence of it all. I miss feeling wanted and surprised. I miss the idea of randomly calling someone. I'd hear his voice. And all is warm. All is well.
Clearly, I'm just romanticizing romance right now, haha. However, deep down, my crave for partnership is stemming elsewhere. I just want to be in a healthier space. Doing remote learning for over a year now has messed me up. I'm only ever at home or at physical therapy. Having to ask for parents permission on everything -- going out to see friends, simply going out at all. I distract myself out of loneliness by busying myself with something, anything. I just want to be in a healthier space. Surrounded by my college friends again, in personnnn. Inhabiting a stronger, healthier body.
But god this loneliness is just eating me inside-out. My productivity has plummeted. My motivation dry. I've given myself so many breaks for the sake of mental health. My friends remind me to be kind to myself. It's sweet of them and I have tried my best to be kind to myself. The next question is how much self-kindness is kindness until it's overindulgence? Ha.
Despite the stagnation I feel in my life, I do have a great urge to make things happen. I try to. I always do. But almost always, my speed is turtle-like.
I'm a wisp, a ghost of who I once was. And I know it.
Loneliness is scientifically deadlier than any other disease. It's painful. And I'm trying... I wonder how I'll be. How better I'll be once I try to be better for myself.
My mental and physical health have been strung along with my loneliness. I want to be better. To feel better. Healthier. Where is my motivation then? Where has it gone?
I just feel so alone tonight. I looked up at the moon a few hours ago and usually, the sight of it brings me absolute joy. I'd stand in the darkness in awe. A promised grin on my face. Tonight, I felt nothing. Blank. And that scares me. So much.
Where's that excited girl? Where has she gone?
Lost to the lake of loneliness, hm? Uninspired? Nothing surprises? Blank blank in a blink blink.
I honestly don't know what to do. I'll get help. Professional help heh. But in the case Smith Counseling Services can't serve me, I'll make do otherwise. In other ways. Somehow... and if not... I don't know. I just know that it hurts. This hurts, a lot.
If you're reading this and you're thinking, "geez, this girl just writes when she's a sad potato," then you'd be the perfect candidate to reach out to me. Say hi.
Tell this lonely girl that she will be okay. It's both a lie and not a lie but it's comforting nonetheless. That she's doing her best...
I have to move. My life has to move. Life is too short not to move. I only have so many years on Earth. And I don't want to spend so many months of it stuck. Or years of it in the same place.
I just want joy.
Peace. And friends to drink warm milk tea with. Bulgogi fries. A song that brings me there.
Comment your song recs if you have any, my fellow reader.
I'm just not okay right now. Agh. I'm at a state of "I'm not okay but I have to get shit done."
And I hate this.
Love,
Ngoc
P.S. Ngoc's thoughts, continued. At length. At random. At ish.
"I want to hear someone's voice through the phone. Something he said made me feel safe and warm and fuzzy. Something I said made him laugh wondrously. Gah. Gosh. I want this again. And where is he? When will I meet someone that being with, makes me feel all the ways again?"
"Eff it. Fuck it. Ngoc, go rest. And wander. Then maybe, maybe you'll be okay. Put your ish aside for another day because clearly today isn't it. But then, when will be it? When will you be okay again? Things can't be pushed aside forever."
"I want to return to Jordan and sit in Ivanna's creaky chair again. I want to be freshly clean after borrowing her shower and Australian soap line. Singing along to an American pop playlist and seriously not getting any work done. How incredibly considerate, loving, and ~seeing~ she is. She deeply wants to take care of you even at her inconvenience :("
"I want to bike to Jillian's where we'll swap stories. Stories and opinions and tips and tricks I never ever considered. We'd laugh about something silly and I'd never want to leave. If I do, I'd leave feeling so whole. So loved. Heck."
"Manal. The way she makes me laugh. One look at her. Or from her. And I'd feel seen. We're way too in sync, what the heck. God. I want her. But dammit Manal, you're studying abroad for an entire year agggg"
"Where's Lucy when you need her? That reassuring, wise-wise girl. I want to squeeze you so bad. * ultra squeeze many squeezes all the squeezes I love you Lucy dammit *"
"Thank god I'll always have Faith. I'm so glad so glad she's returned but I so badly want to see her again. The way she thinks about the world. The way she sees relationships. Deep and wise. I'm a cheese and she's okay with it. Pft."
"Elise... penpalling her. Calling her. Running into her in our blue house. Thank you for the melt-in-your-mouth chocolates. The way we vibe, talk about books, boys, and all things deep-- she makes me want to run alongside her, wherever she's going."
"Deep down I miss Charlie too. Our friendship when we had it. Your support and enthusiasm and insights. I miss you man."
"Natalie. You always, always had the words for any situation. An avid supporter, hecking social influencer. Your love of pizza unrivaled. I love pizza more because you did. I'd do a lot to sit in the same room with you again and feel that safe, warm feeling with you, you sweet sweet soul."
"I want to study with Allison. best study partner ever. The CC and you and me and a late night coffee milkshake that you support me on. Even if it's questionable if I'll be able to sleep that night. You'd do anything, join anything for your friends. And I miss you desperately."
"Nina can turn any cloudy day into a sunny one. Count on her to say something wild, something true, and crack you up. A smile-maker through and through. That energy, my lord."
"I want to listen to Elle talk about that deep thing again. Comfort. Elle is a wave of comfort pushing against my tired shores. sighhh"
"Miriam. You, me, and a Borat film to finish even as we're choking on our water, coughing up blood as we watch whatever silliness we found on the internet again. I feel real with you. I miss the way being with you makes me feel so whole. One whole Ngoc. Who's always laughing, grinning with you. *oooh you can really danceee*"
"I want to be encased in a group hug that would take forever to get out of."
"I miss being so supremely distracted at Smith, that I almost never felt any loneliness. The moment a sliver was felt, a new plan is made. Miss Saigon's crab rangoons to race to. A UMass event to attend. Too busy to think of loneliness. So loved it never crossed my mind."
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