Below is one of 15 drafts in my blog. An episode I had started back in February 10th, of 2019. Haha. Enjoy with my tears O_O
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I'd like to think that I've been pretty dang honest about everything I've shared thus far through this blog. However, maybe I haven't said this yet. Maybe I have. But. The reality is that middle school absolutely sucked for me.
Oh. Yeah. I remember now.
YES. YES, I DID SAY THAT ALREADY.
Hahahaha... wow. so many ellipses today... gosh this is gonna be a pretty dank episode.
And for those of you who actually went through middle school with me, it's going to be slightly awkward as I bash middle-school me. Ye-up.
Well. Let's start with the reunion itself, shall we?
The reunion was yesterday, Friday. My Dad was unwilling to drive me there and back home "because it's tooo far :I" so I ended up carpooling with a close friend of mine there. However, her mom was really late which made everyone anxious. It made me anxious. It made her anxious. And not only that, she and I waited out in the cold for over an hour before the police officer noticed us shivering in the cold. Me, in my very thick coat and knee-length boots. And her in slip-ons and hands wrapped in a makeshift glove I made from a shirt I wore that day. Because. It. Was. Freezing.
Then we spent half an hour inside the warm school before her mom arrived at the gate. We were late by 45 minutes! Personally, I felt fine. I was excited and giddy, sure. But a part of me couldn't help but feel as if I'll never fit into the three years I call middle school. Three of the most imperfect years of my life haha.
And maybe I never will. Sure. I'm doing much better now, of course, thank the heavens. Yet... that middle school reunion solidified all doubt and along with it, slaughtered any hope that I'll ever fit into Rogers. Ever.
It's not Rogers' fault.
It's not my fault either that I feel this way.
It's no one's.
Maybe Rogers and I were never meant to fit together in the first place.
Or maybe fitting isn't even the right word... I just never became accustomed to Rogers' atmosphere. A part of me wishes I was. Had I tried harder. Had I fought harder.
None of it matters now. At the end of the day, Rogers gave me someone important to my life. Someone that challenged and shaped me and was patient with me. Someone I would keep searching the crowd for...
***
Entering the reunion with my friend, I saw the trees, the entrance that we went through every day for three years, the same faculty that cheered me on and, of course, saw me eat alone for months in 6th grade when I opted out of society because it was a shock to me that I was going to school with kids that were so confident and affluent and bright. I felt so different then. Unable to find similarities. Immobile in fear. Immobile I was, for years.
All of these memories flooded back, colored in pinks and yellows. I felt happy. I felt happy to be back to the piece of me that I wanted to forget. Funny right? Haha. But it's true.
Before I knew it, I saw my teachers standing there in the cafeteria. I saw my principal. And I saw my classmates. Feeding on that giddiness, I was rushed with a warm hug from one of the coolest girls I knew back then. Shortly after, she let go and made a beeline for my friend, hugging her much tighter and more excitedly--- just the way that I imagined I'd be hugged at the reunion. That night, I felt... hm. Not that I was left out. But that I would never fit in...
I had too many acquaintances at Rogers.
Where were my best friends?
I searched the crowd for her. The girl that I created our peanut man comics with, a feather floating above his head. A paper comic that I had sold to Antonio for a dollar as a joke. The girl that waited for me in line and laughed along with my crude jokes. The girl that egged me on, whenever I felt unconfident or scared: "Ngoc, it's okay," she would say with her beautiful smile, "you. got. this!!" The girl that filled our summers with Teen Titan memes and fanfiction. I missed that girl. I loved that girl. Haha, not romanticallyyyy youknowme comeon.
I... welp. I don't even know where this episode is going again. It's one of those episodes that you write in a rush. There's so much to say. So much of a mess inside my head.
I'm going to attempt to simplify what I feel by saying this: how I felt leaving Rogers... it felt like one big green blob that constricted my breaths. The blob grew. It was a sum. And whatever sum it was... it hurt. A lot. (I don't know where I'm taking this metaphor. help)
That night, I felt lost. I felt sad, sad for my younger self that she wasn't brave back then. Sadder still that there are things I'll never get to have in those three imperfect middle school years.
Rogers wasn't always terribly unhappy though!
I certainly had my highs. Simple moments that make my heart smile. Hanging out in homeroom with a girl that I felt so damn free with. Whenever Antonio accurately counted down the time to when school ends -- his trusty trusty watch. My Taylor Swift's "Mean" lyric video that I spent hours making at the library geez. Any time when I'm in gym class - effing loved gym and gee, perhaps a little too much because of a stupid crush. Alas. Badminton with Yuji. Hugs from Hailey. Getting my mile time from 12:50 ish to 9:45 in half a year. I need to get back to that 13 year old version of me. My calves were O_O. Anywho, oh and bus rides with Stephanie, a girl that surprised me on my birthday. A girl that I should have never let go. I loved her too. Reading. All the books I ever read were put to good use later in life -- good goin kid. That bus ride home after Schlitterbaun, sitting next to Evelyn and sharing music. Feelin that magicccc <333 I swear I have an episode written about that evening somewhere in my blog. Maybe search bar "magic bus ride" or something lol.
Life truly is a ride. Until it ends. :I okieillstopomgaggg imtheworst
P.S. Taylor's Vault. Ngoc's Vault. Clearly, the name is inspired outta sumwhere ;)
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