Episode 41 -- Dreams Can Burn Too

After getting off a call with my younger sister a while back, I realized something a little too simple and a little too painful: I've taken life too seriously for well too long.

Yen is in her sophomore year of high school. On the phone, she talked about how stressful she felt not knowing what she wanted to do, what she wanted out of life, how she should start planning for college. She's worried she doesn't know how to shape a compelling story to sell herself... she felt all these pressures to figure herself out. To "figure" herself out. To "sell" herself to colleges.

"Ngoc, I feel like I'm not worrying about this enough. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start getting into Tufts. I just want to be happy with my classes, but I don't know what I enjoy..."

All of these worries that her little self has... She's 16, my god. I remembering being 16. 3 years ago, I had felt all these pressures. I remember little beyond the hours that had passed where I'd just be sitting in front of homework or researching scholarships and colleges. Lots of it. *agh*

In my high school, "college" was a natural word. Everyone worked hard. Working hard, sleeping little, coffee, and scoring well was our mantra. All of that work to be where we are today...

Hey, I'm glad I worked hard. And I'm proud of those that have too. Hard work definitely pays off.
But isn't there another conversation we should have with our younger generation? With ourselves? "How much is too much?"

Personally, I had allowed all these pressures to invade my everyday space. I was hurting myself, and I didn't know it. I did the AP thing where I loaded my schedule with many AP classes, with the hopes that I can prove how deserving of a scholarship I was, that I was a hard worker... I didn't allow myself to have fun. I ploughed through. It was an unhealthy and unhappy process-- my mantra? Getting myself as close to a full-ride as I can. Whatever that looked like. And hey. The dream is real. It happened. But... at what cost?

Sometimes, I wonder, "Would I still be where I am today without having to work as hard as I did? Would it have changed things too much if I didn't take the extra hours to study this or that or spend more time with family?"

Because now, I'm away from family. The very family that raised me. Where has the time gone? Was it really my fault for being so caught up in the swell that is my future? Clinging onto the pedestal that seemed inescapable --  there's no other way to be amazing than to attend a great college. "You're going to be set."

There exists a pedestal for getting kids to the Ivies or the top liberal arts colleges. These schools deserve their names. They do. Just, are we pushing them too hard?

Are we letting them grow up too fast?

One second, I was a college-hopeful high school freshman, working hard, not noticing how hard was hard until I felt the tears welling yet again. "Gosh mom, it's going to be another all-nighter..." Next, I find myself researching colleges, excited at the prospect that pizza in the north is better than pizza from the South. The next second, I'm working to the last sweat to tackle my AP tests as a senior. "You're almost there. You're almost done," they said. "Done with? What am I done with exactly?" I thought, as I sat in the audience, gripping the time sheet in my hand with who says what when, unwilling to let go of high school despite the mountain that it was, yet smiling and waving the audience as if I'm sure what happens next... as if the next chapter of my life is pre-written, pre-read, full of spoilers my father's already whispered and my mother worries about. I glided across that stage as if I'm promised a happy ending.

Soon enough, I find myself sleeping alone in a dorm room, with nothing but a few things from home.

All of my hard work for another bed to sleep in, another space to study in.

Senioritis is a thing. But I realized too late that what mattered most were the friendships and relationships I had with friends and family. Those are the things that last for a long time...

It's like running a 5k. The finish line grows closer to you, and you're almost there, but it's like... those last few seconds, you know you can make it. You're going to be there-- of course you'll cross the finish line. However, something about those last few seconds makes you want to whip your head around and look at how far you've come, look at all the things your eyes missed because they were so set on the road, drinking and savoring it.

Soon enough, you're across the finish line. Your legs have been moving forward automatically, spinning wheels of their own.

What I'm trying to say is... you're going to be where you're meant to be. You're going to be where you want to be. Of course, you'll need to put in effort to get there, but if all you see behind those eyes is the goal and the goal only? You might miss a handful of amazing sights. You might sit where I am, and I say might, because I know someone will fight me on this, haha, and right... You might sit where I am and wonder my very questions, "Were those years worth it? Where has the time gone?"

What I hope for my younger sister, my niece, my nephew, and for you is that... we live our lives healthily, happily, kindly, and *sigh*, live in a way that we can look back on and feel a bellyful of warmth.

That warm feeling? It's an indication of time well-spent.

I hope you feel warm when you don't regret spending an extra half hour on the phone calling home instead of beginning work a little earlier. Warm when you think about that detour you took just to walk a little longer outside under the sun. Warm when you took a short break in between it all to look out the window and dream.

Warm.

And if you don't understand what I'm trying to get at? hm... go eat your favorite food, or treat, or dessert. Eat it. Now think, did you regret eating it? Maybe it wasn't a healthy snack/food. Maybe you ate a little too much of it. But the feeling is the same yes? You felt happy eating it right? Dare I say, you felt satisfied devouring it?

Satisfied.

Satisfied is a feeling too. Almost warm, yes? :)

Don't take life too seriously. Leave room for messiness. Leave room for lazying around. Leave room for lungfuls of cold air. Leave room for dancing, swinging, flying. Leave room for unplanned lengthy phone calls.

Because you never know, you never know if one day you can't do the very things you thought you could anymore. Or if the people you love will be there, just a walk or drive away.
One second, I lived with my family, holding my sister close. The next second, I'm free. I'm out. I'm alone. Alone with new faces, new textures, new hands to hold.

It's unfortunate. I went to New York City last month, on my own, and... well. I forgot to taste the pizza, the pizza that deliciousness was promised. Haha. :P

I hope this finds you well. I hope this finds you warm, despite the winter setting in.

My heart goes out to the world tonight-- to those who aren't warm, in every sense of the word :), and to those who are :).

Let's feel warm today. Let's feel warmer tomorrow. We'll be where we're meant to be. ^_^

Your girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Another imperfect episode, :P. This one took a while to crack. Honestly? There were actually 4 different episode 41s that I have on standby in case I hated all of them. But how can I hate any of them if they came from me?

There was so much I wanted to discuss more in this episode. So much to touch on. Episode 41. Wow. 41% of the way there, to 100 episodes.

P.p.s.

Shout-out to Yen, my sister. Awaiting my arrival to Houston. I'll be home for Christmas. My heart is all yours. :)

Shout-out to my newfound friends at Smith. I can't believe I have friends, ohmigod. <3

Shout-out to Lucy, who may be back home in Texas-- I love you. I support you. I can't believe we'll see each other soon.

Shout-out to Faith, who may be all the way in Illinois, our friendship never wavers. In fact, it feels strengthened by the distance. I love you. okayitakeitbackyouprobsthinkimgay4u

Shout-out to my nephew and niece in DC. I wish you both strength. I wish that you realize the wealth of love that you mother surrounds you with.

Episode 40 -- She's Beautiful: Part 1

Sitting by Wesley House's window and having a view of the yellows and oranges painted on the tips of the trees that line Paradise Pond, I quickly scrolled through Facebook only to catch a live stream of my mother, smiling brightly, dancing, singing. 

In the video, she was in Vietnam, celebrating my cousin's wedding.

She looked absolutely gorgeous, as always. Gosh, the audacity to look so good, pftttt. Donning a glittering long sleeve and loose pink pants, I saw her cling to my uncle, both singing a famous Vietnamese love ballad and eyes glowing from excitement. She's a wonderful singer and it was evident the crowd loved it. I loved it too. 

In my head, I thought, "wow, I've never seen her this happy before." 

Finally. An episode about my mother. Gosh. This episode is about my world. About someone that brought me life. Someone that is always there, who's love I've pushed and challenged many many times. But that's the fact about a mother's love. 

In Vietnamese there is a saying, "Nghĩa mẹ như nước trong nguồn chảy ra," When translated to English, this means, "A mother's love is like the water running from the source." Endless it means. 

Forever. 

Endless, unconditional love. I'm lucky. I'm lucky that I have a mother. I'm lucky that I have her as my mother. 

This is my attempt at writing down a part of her story from my own memory of many nights asking, more like pestering, her for the details. Here we are. 

My mother was born a year before the Vietnam War ended. There's a shrapnel scar on the corner of her eyelid from a small explosion that caught her as my grandma ran and carried my mother in her arms and all their belongings, with my uncle and aunt trying to catch up on their little legs. My mother would find out later, after coming to the US, that the man who dropped the bomb causing the explosion was none other than Ly Tong. They would meet each other and my mom would briefly mention her scar and when and where she got it. 

His eyes probably lit up, realizing that the date and place matched a date and place in his mind. They would grab each other by the hands, hug, and later, he would give her $100 in good humor and as an apology for the scar before he left. 

I call Ly Tong, Bac Ly Tong. He's a prominent anti-communist activist in the Vietnamese-American and Vietnamese community and also happens to be one of my dad's best friends. He passed away last April. But that's another story. 

The fact is, my mother has many scars on her body. 

Plopped in front of the box TV that played another martial arts Chinese show, my 4-year-old self curiously watched my father inject a needle into my mother's lower back, sending medicine in to hopefully tame the cancer growth she had. Every time he did this, he would have to lift the hem of her shirt. I remember my young self widening her eyes in disbelief as I saw a thumb-sized bruised indent on her lower back. I asked her while placing a finger over the deep-ish indent, "what is this?" (My father quickly swatted my hand away, of course.)

To that, she recalled slowly, "A snake bit me there when I was 3 or 4, back in Vietnam, your age. Your grandma was so scared I was going to die. Infection for days. But I'm here with you now aren't I?" 

Today, the snake infected-wound is gone, but the cancer since then has never left. Growing up, my father always praised how strong his prayers must have been for my mother's cancer to almost go away. Recently, the cancer has resurfaced. My mother and father have kept it a secret from my sister and I for a few years now, this resurfacing. The only way my sister and I even knew about it is when my mother would ask, "Ngoc, check how to get to this hospital address." 

My mother is 30 years younger than my father. My father swears it's love. My mother said that too to me, often enough that I believed in it. I was a kid. I never noticed the age difference. And even if I did, it was just a fact of my life. A fact of my life that when shared would garner shock, even horror. I remember in my elementary school years when my mother would come to give me bits of medicine when I was sick, and every single kid at my lunch table would stop their conversations to look at my mom.

"Ngoc, your mom is so pretty!"

"She's so young!"

I responded, "What, like your moms aren't pretty or young or something?" (And hey, all mothers are freaking goddesses. My kid self was dumb. :I)

Whenever she appeared at my elementary school, either to give me medicine or take me home, I would feel so safe. 

I was fluent in Vietnamese then. More fluent than I am today. Fluent enough to share with her what happened in my days with this 3rd grade teacher or that 4th grade english class. To all my stories, she would nod and smile. Slowly, I began to lose more and more of my Vietnamese vocabulary and that fact today hurts like hell. Today, I can have a superficial conversation with her about various topics. As a kid, I remember looking at Vietnamese kids my age with contempt for not being able to speak as much Vietnamese as I did. But the fact is, as I grew older, I grew busier, and so did my mother as she took over her own small nail salon. There were less opportunities for us to have conversation. 

I often had dinner earlier than she did, well, fine, almost every night... and she would come home much later with her heavy purse and high flip flops, looking like a wilted orchid. Exhaustion from work. A whole day's worth. 

When I was 7, my mother sat down and had a serious conversation with me, with my younger sister, Yen, on her lap. "Ngoc, from now on, I'll be at school too like you. A school to learn how to cut hair and paint nails, so some days, I may be late to pick you up from school okay? Tell me you'll be okay with that?" 

"Okay, mom." I nodded and that was that. 

For the next few years, she would go to cosmetology school. And for the 12 years after that, she would work in the nail salon business, as just "another Vietnamese-American woman doing nails." 

Eight of those years, she would labor under difficult, deceiving bosses. The other four years and to today, she would bravely open her own small nail salon, with the hopes that our lives could be better, that we'd be able to pay for my college education.

4 grueling years of disappointment. 

Our small nail salon business garnered few customers, partially because of the late owner and partially the location. The late owner of the nail salon in a last cruel twist of fate, took most of the original customers. So we started with... nothing.

On the day of the grand opening of our nail salon, there hung a red "GRAND OPENING" sign in front of the small building complex. That first day opening the nail salon, only one person came in to have a manicure, the equivalent of 12 dollars. Enough to pay for gas at least, heh.

Weeks and months after that, my sister and I would be regulars at our nail salon on weekdays, weekends, during breaks, birthdays, on all the holidays, whole summers. 

We went so often that... I couldn't take it anymore. I burst in front of my mom. Many times, I did this and many times the response was the same. 

"I... I hate going to the nail salon! Why do I have to go? Can't you hire someone else to come help out? Is it so hard?!" I would fly out with.

Angrily, she would respond, "Do what you want. But do you know how hard it is for me Ngoc? Do you even think of me? Your father's retired. I'm the only one making money and hiring someone will cost more than you helping me. Most of my life, all I've ever done is help raise this family, raise you, take care of you. Don't you think that's hard? In an ideal world, you wouldn't have to come to the nail salon, Ngoc. But this is our reality. This is our life. We have to make hard choices sometimes. This is your way to contribute to our family. Love me or don't, do as you wish."

I remember crying, frustrated tears, wishing that I'd never have to return to the nail salon, but after hearing her tell me that she's not happy either. That it hurts her too, I woke up early and with my younger sister, out we'd go. Another day of work. All three of us coming home like wilted orchids after each day. 

And that's the thing. 

I'm so... god. Sometimes, haha no, many times, I can be so naive and so caught-up in my own winds. My mother has taught me many things about life. Some of which is...to be less self-centered, more kind, more thoughtful to the plight of others, and that if you think you have it bad, others have it worse.

Despite the lack of conversations she and I shared before I left for college, the most vivid and warm moments that will help me survive this Massachusetts winter is... gosh, I'm kind of tearing right now as I write this.

But... whenever it's getting late and she's about to head to sleep, she would always ask me, every night, "Is there anything you need Ngoc? Water? Snacks?" I look over at her, seeing her small cute but chubby frame standing by the entrance to our small kitchen, a hand about to turn off the light. Usually she'd wear her purple pajamas with shorts and she'd look so small. Smaller than usual.

In those moments, as I take in how small of a woman she is, to have been born in the last bits of a war, come to the US alone with an older man who is my father with nothing but a few promises, and work so hard to provide our family... She is incredible. 

She is my world. Sometimes, in the midst of all that happens in my life, I forget where I come from.

I forget about her last scar. 

A short but ugly scar at the far edge of her stomach, south of her bellybutton. 

Not knowing how to take care of it, that very C-Section stitch would hurt her for weeks, even months. All because she had me. 

"How painful was it, Mom, this cut here?"

"Haha, hey, don't be scared. But after having you, I still had to do all the chores in the house. Wash the laundry by hand, the dishes, cook with this thing full-on bleeding sometimes. This is it Ngoc. This is true love. There's nothing truer than my love to you. One day you'll understand..." she explained, as she planted a kiss on my forehead while my fingers traced her scar.

I love you.... <3 

Love,

Ngoc 

P.s. Part 2 will come out. I don't know how. I don't know when. I just know it will. There's so many imperfections with this episode. There is so much... uncompleteness. 

There's so much more to her story that I want to write about, so that in case anything happens, she lives here, on this little blog. 

I also just wrote this episode out of homesickness but... it's been long-awaited. And too deserved not to be written about. 

P.p.s. To all the moms out there, this episode and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for all that you do and continue to do. <3 

P.p.p.s. Mom, I know you'll read this and have trouble understanding and will probably make me call you to explain what I wrote. 

Just know, Mom. 

I wish with all my heart to turn back time and be more the daughter you deserve. 

Despite all my faults, thank you for bringing me into the world. Thank you for your sacrifices. I am more complete because of you. I am you, your flesh and blood. Thank you for.. everything.

Episode 39 - Your Dense College Update

I actually wrote this episode in three separate sittings, feeling different variations of happiness at each sitting. I've divided this piece into "part." Each "part" represents a different sitting. :)

Part 1: Today marks roughly one month of my time in Massachusetts, pursuing that college degree and chasing my dreams.

But most importantly, I've done it. I may be a little premature in saying this, but a part of me is surprised at how fast I've found a new family away from family.

My birthday was proof of that. After a long day of orientation activities, a tired group of 10 college freshmen gathered together in a friend's living room, celebrating my birthday over half a showing of Monty Python Holy Grail and a crazy board game.

New things are happening. It's true what they say about college. "Making friends is easier."

Part 2: It's so true, it's unbelievable. As I'm writing this portion of the blog, I'm sitting in a beautiful, cozy room of one of my friends. Something Just Like This is playing from my phone. Sanya sits on the floor, prepped up cross-legged with math notes on her lap. Ivanna sits straight-backed at her desk, popping her arms to the songs. All of us are humming to Shape of You now. This feeling is absolutely comfortable. I feel so safe. I feel so... happy.

Part 3: I feel just as warm and happy as Part 2, just now, I'm sitting in my fairy-light-filled room. An A-Force poster and EXO Poster spill on my walls and a small collection of books from home fills half of my nightstand. I'm sitting on my standard Twin XL college bed, leaning against a wall. Behind me hangs pictures my mother handpicked from home to send me to remind me of childhood, of home.

These past few weeks of college have been the one of the happiest weeks of my life. Already my new friends have termed me the "most social" person they've ever met. I'm honestly kind of proud of that. Beyond this flex, my point is, I've never made so many GOOD friends in my life. High school feels like a puppy compared to Smith. I'm... I'm so lost and so attached to college life right now. It feels like flying.

What's filled my days with joy is spending time with people that enrich my life, people who understand where I'm coming from, and people who are as excited to spend time with me as I do with them.

Haha, I've never been this social in my life. However, these first few weeks have taught me how adaptable I am. It's as if all the trials, all the failures of my past have come to serve me now. Already, I've gone out with friends, taking a 50 minute bus JUST to eat authentic Pho from a Vietnamese-owned restaurant in Western Massachusetts. Okay, fine, that might not sound like much, but for someone who's life was controlled at every turn for the past 18 years, that was a big step.

College has been a big step, period.

I'm making my own plans, when to have them, and with whom. It's exciting to steer my own life for once and to feel complete control beneath my fingertips as I do something as simple as bike-rushing to my 10:50 classes. There's solace in knowing that Smith dining might unsurprisingly be terrible at the asian food-serving dining hall. There's solace in knowing that you have this one friend you've automatically assigned as your study buddy. There's solace in knowing that sure, your phone's battery sucks but there's still enough battery to get you through dinner in case your sister texts you.

What brings me great peace is knowing that if it all ever feels overwhelming, I have newfound friends that have my back. But the most peace is knowing that I have Yen to call, should I ever need anything as comforting as her adorable round face on the screen. :)

Honestly though? I don't really have "wild," "exciting" college stories to share, haha. So far the most exciting thing that's happened so far was the bus trip out to Amherst for pho. And just as exciting was the cultural fair where all the cultural clubs brought their foods. It was so fun to just go from cultural club to cultural club table collecting food. Gosh, I'm pretty hungry right now. I'm already excited for tomorrow's dinner. xD

God. No one told me this but college dining is BUFFET STYLE. OHMIGOD. I'm surprised I haven't already gained tons of weight. The only reason why I've actually aka "lost" weight is because I'm not drinking boba as often as I used to. My broke college friends would always shake their heads a slow, "noooooo" whenever I suggest a trip to downtown for boba. Haha, Allison would be downright honest with me and say, "You have an addiction that college could actually cure."

So far? That's held true.

Gosh, one of the most exciting things about college is making friends. Left and right, there are so many people to meet and have amazing conversations with. Every time I meet someone new, that's a whole universe I just opened for myself. Isn't that amazing? ^_^

And hey, I know. College isn't all about making friends and having fun! But it's definitely part of the process. These.. can be the best 4 years of my life. These can be the most resource-rich years of my life. I have to find that balance between handling my academic work and spending time with friends. O__O Hey. Every day, I'm getting a little closer to understanding what that might look for me. Another adventure. My god. College is just full of these little tasks and missions you have to overcome and then you have all these skills you have to work hard to earn just to get to fight the big boss. This time there's no big boss though.

For me, it seems as if college is just one way to level up. All the way until I die, I'll constantly be leveling up. Wisdom. Self-respect. Love. Family. Friends. Courage. Happiness. Leadership. Confidence. Even sense of style. So many things to look forward to. I feel... hopeful. I feel a little secure in knowing that I truly am... the captain of my ship. As cheesy as that sounds, that feels pretty perfect.

As always, I promise this isn't the last of me. :) There's so much more. So many moments I've yet to put under the microscope.

For now, everything feels a little perfect. *sigh*

Lastly, wherever you are, whoever you are, I challenge you to send someone you love an, "I love you. <3". They need to hear it. Being at college so far has taught me that even if you've lived with them for 18 years+, your family and friends will appreciate the daily, "I love you." Sure, I'm having the time of my life at Smith, but I'm doing my best to make sure that the people I love know they're still in my heart, everywhere I go.

I hope you'll let your loved ones know that you love them, in any way that you want. ^_^

Sending good vibes your way. :)

Your most happy and optimistic girlie,
Ngoc

P.s. A drastic change yes? From Episode 38? Haha, you're right... keeping myself busy so far has been the best thing to tackle homesickness, but also making sure I call home. Everyday. Somehow. Someway. :)

P.p.s. You all may never read this but.... I love you, Mom. I love you, Yen. I love you, Dad. My worlds.

Episode 38 -- Far From Home

In less than ten hours, I will wake up to a sunless Houston morning. The birds won't be out, but the moon and stars will be, blinking good bye as my little home shrinks away in the rearview mirror. 

I will cry. Or maybe, I'll be too tired to cry. "It's not over until it's over," I'd remind myself. Except this time, it is. My childhood is over. 

My mother and sister would travel with me. That means leaving my father behind, the first man I ever loved in my life. Despite the tenseness of our relationship, despite the many unhappy arguments between him and I, all of those memories would vanquish as I cry my last good bye and as he drives away in the white truck my mother had bargained to the teeth for. 

I've taken everything for granted. I lived as if I'd have all these things forever. I lived as if there would never be a good bye. I never truly appreciated the people who've loved me these last 18 years, or the place I've called home. In short, I'm a fool.

I'm definitely being too dramatic about this. I'll return in four months. Four long months. Anything can change. There will be losses. There will be gains. I won't be there for my sister's 16th birthday. I won't be there to comfort her or hug her when she most needs it. I won't be there to catch up on the dish washing, haha. I won't be there for the many memories that I'd have if I were still here, at home. Gosh, and Yen. Ag, I'm going to miss sharing hugs with her, the greatest gift ever given to me -- my sister. 

I love my home. I love Houston. I love my family. 

Customers at the nail salon who have watched me grow up would perk up happily as I update them about where I'm attending college. I'd chirp, "Massachusetts. And no, I haven't shopped for winter clothing yet, haha." They'd respond, "Gosh, I'm so excited and proud of you. You're going to have an amazing time!" 

An amazing time. I'll have fun for sure. I'll meet new people of course. I just... I don't believe quite yet that I'm about to leave. It's upending me right now and last night, this simple fact: I'm flying out tomorrow morning. And that's that. 

An application to an out-of-state school never felt real until you're actually packing and buying 20 packets of different ramen for the first time. "In case you miss home AND you're hungry," Yen had said, as she advised me to buy ramen for Smith. 

Haha, believe it or not, I'm tearing us as I type this post. It's been months since I've written my last episode. It seems that it's only when I'm at my worst that I'm willing to sit down and type furiously away. 

Many years ago when I was three, I remember running around our small kitchen table over and over again. I pretended, in my head, that there was an imaginary younger sister I was chasing. It was morning. Dad had come in from outside with black oil on his hands and cheeks as always. As he was turning on the sink to wash his hands, he looked over at me and asked in a happy voice, "What is the one thing you want most in the world?" 

Without hesitation, I said, "A sister! A little sister to play with!"

"Well that's funny. You're getting one super soon!"

And in a blur, the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life grew into the most adorable, lovable, kind, and attentive girl. I won't be able around to see her grow into an amazing young woman, as much as I wish I would... 

Lately, little pieces and memories like these would pop in my head and I'd yearn, more than anything, that I would be staying at home. Staying in Houston. 

I'm not yet finished with packing, haha. I'm positive that I'm missing a few essentials. I'm positive that I'll cry, a lot. Homesickness will settle in. I'd crave a flight home. I'd crave for a hug, a few words of encouragement, or just a letter from home. 

I don't know how to stay positive yet, but for sure, I will have to find my own place. I will have to challenge myself, more than ever, to make my own family, away from family. The goal here isn't to stay happy in college. That's not going to be possible for a first year like myself, heh. The goal here is to make choices that "future me" would look back on and be proud of and grateful for.

I'm going to make tons of mistakes. I can already feel it. First semester might just be downright awful. First semester might be utterly amazing. First semester might be a mix of the awful and the amazing. 

Stay tuned everyone. :)

(This is probably the most imperfect episode I've ever written. :P)

With love and gratefulness and plenty of fear,

Ngoc

P.s. It's only been 38 episodes guys. Thank you to everyone who have stuck around this little blog of mine and watched me grow. There's no proof yet that I have grown, haha, but I'm trying, every day, to be a little kinder, a little braver, and a little wiser. College might just expedite the process. :P

P.p.s.We haven't reached our goal of 100 episodes yet. You can count on my promise! :)

P.p.p.s. Sending my heart out to everyone else going out to college, far from home. You're brave. You deserve to be there. I'm rooting for you.

Episode 37 - A Little Braver

Out of over 20 scholarships I had applied for, I received one. Just the one. 

Of course it makes me kind of sad, knowing that there were over 19 rejections, haha. Sometimes, I even stay up for entire hours of the night wondering, "Had I tried harder... had I had more time... maybe I'm not enough." Countless rejection emails over the past few months have helped me brace for that ultimate feeling of "the end of the road". 

Perhaps it's just me, but rejection gets better and less bitter with time and experience. A close friend of mine once told me, "a sign of maturity is when you can handle rejection well and learn from it." 

In today's episode, I want to expand her take on rejection. 

Today, I'm going to attempt at not only readying us to brace rejection but to also embrace it. 

The thing that I've learned about opportunities is that sometimes, they present themselves to you. The other half of the time, it is you making that opportunity happen. Of course, it also depends on what types of opportunities would benefit you in ways that only you could figure out for yourself. 

For everyone, it's unique how opportunities come and go. 

For me, a new opportunity presented itself after a streak of "no's." 

The application of a summer internship came to me through an email. I remember looking at it hopefully but warily. "I might get rejected again, but... that's the worst case scenario isn't it?" 

It is with this mindset that I had applied, unknowingly unlocking a breadth of opportunities that I never knew existed for a post-high-school grad. 

Spoiler alert: I was accepted, haha. :) 

Endless and free amounts of a vast array of healthy snacks in the office's kitchen became my new reality. Just imagine, free Milanos. Free... baked Cheetos. Free bags of Pirate's Booty and coconut toasted Canadian waffles. Free. Not endless but... so many. (Of course, in the face of so many snacks, I've thickened. But alas, don't worry! Episode 36 carefully explains that I'm gonna exercise, guys. haha)

And every day, I am in constant contact with people who are so smart!! So.. knowledgeable in their respective fields from education, health, criminal justice, and to public finance systems. I am constantly humbled and inspired by my fellow co-workers. Every day that I wake up, even if it's hella early, I feel blessed. I feel... so grateful.

So the thing about opportunities, again? Sometimes, you have to ask around yourself. ^_^ Look where... a bit of asking and pestering got me. In less than two weeks, my internship is sending me out to DC to interview men who were recently incarcerated and despite the odds, have worked hard to give back to their communities. THAT is awesome... THAT is awesome and ALL I had to do was, ask, and ask often. I was basically being a pestering bug. I never imagined that I would have a free trip to DC to do something as amazing as this. Never. But do you really have to know what's out there before you apply yourself? Before you ask?

You don't have to know all the answers. I don't have to know all the answers. But sometimes, all it takes is being a little bit braver and more carefree in that moment that can change your life for the better. Be brave and embrace all the "no's" in the world. There's bound to be a "yes." 

In many episodes before this one, I've often talked about opportunity and why it's so important. And you're probably thinking, "er, Ngoc, girlll stahppppp."

No. :P 

You see, I was rejected many times. Each time hurt. like. hell. But the few times that my shot made it? I was amazed at what happened right after. 

The ball will definitely not always make it in, but for every ball that doesn't make it, just throwing the ball is enough. Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes you better. All of those practices are readying you for more successes later on in life. And who knows? Maybe that success can start as soon as today. :) 

So today, I challenge you to knock on all the doors you've been wondering about. 

What's the worst that can happen?

Easy, you can't enter their house. 

Haha, have a good one buddy! 

Let's be a little braver today, okay? 

Your girl,

Ngoc

P.s. woahhhh is Ngoc going to finally have a regular schedule with these episodes now? I dunnooooooooooooo. 

Worst case is a no. :P

Also this episode is NOT perfect, and it bugs me a little, but hey, it's not too shabby. not too shabby. I'm okay with that.:)

Episode 36 - A Different Lifestyle

It has been one month into summer... and it doesn't feel quite real that I will be going out of state in less than two months for college.

At the prospect of college, I tense up. I fear that I won't be able to truly take care of myself. I fear that I would suck at being an adult-in-training. 

So, last week, I felt that it has been enough of sitting around and doing nothing in the evenings. It is enough of going home and scrolling on my phone for hours until I tire myself out. 

Last week, I promised myself that each day, no matter how terrible I feel, I will exercise for at least half an hour. This time, it's not going to be a short-term idea. This time, it's a lifestyle change. This time, I'm changing my life by altering just one piece of it. This time, I'm writing my promise down on paper. With a pen, y'all.

It has been one week of blogilates and whatever else I could catch on. After each workout, I would feel so accomplished. I would feel so happy. 

What I had originally thought would be so grueling turns out to be amazing (and DEFINITELY grueling)... After each workout, I would feel so happy and whole and fulfilled. Of course, that's my endorphins surfacing but really. It's awesome. Imagine beads of sweat rolling off my forehead and chin and a wicked grin spreading across my face. That's me feeling like a boss. It was as if all this time, all I had to do was take care and nourish my body in order to feel this way. 

Beginning a good habit is promising yourself that you are going to change your life. You are going to feel uncomfortable sometimes. You are going to wonder, "Why, why am I doing this to myself?" I'm not just talking about exercising. I'm talking about anything that you can do for yourself consistently to make sure that you are happy and healthy. 

New motto on the blog here: Happy and Healthy. 

And it can be any small thing. You can begin promising yourself that you're going to journal at least once a week about your emotions. You are going to drink 8 cups of water a day. You are going to meditate. You are going to dance. You are going to do something that gives you more balance in your life. I can't tell you what that is. Youuuu are so smart. I trust you. ^-^

For me, that small thing has been exercising. Just this simple act of allotting half an hour a day to taking care of my body has nourished my mind. And it is knowing that I am disciplined enough to continue this promise to myself that gives me hope that "Yes, I can totally rock college. And yes, I can totally adult my way into awesomeness."

My parents will not be there for me when I'm in college, so it is up to me to take care of myself, watch out for myself, and sustain a happy and healthy Ngoc. No other way to put it. 

So, today, I challenge you to think about one small or medium or big thing that you can do to help you reach a happier, healthier version of yourself. 

Remember! 

Consistency is key. 

Writing it down somewhere, anywhere, to make it real is key. 

And celebrating each and every day is key. 

Wishing you the best. :) 

And I'll see you soon!

Love,

Ngoc

P.s. Oh gosh it has been a WHILE. But I am back!! Currently, I'm working at an internship and it's been keeping me on a chair for longggg periods of time. No worries! This girl is going to do as she says; she's going to exercise it out! See you in episode 37!

(Friend Series): My Lucy-Goosey-Goofy-Poofy

Without further ado! 

Today's person is my LUCY-GOOSEY-GOOFY-POOFY. 

You see this picture?

 

Lucy drew it for me, back when this blog was still in the middle stages of coughing up teenage feels. And hey, this blog will continue to barf up teenage emotions. However, it's important that people like Lucy exist. Without her, I would have just held in my internal, emotional mess. That's not good for anyone...  

I'm sure she's reading this. I'm sure a silly but satisfied grin is plastered on her face right now. I'm sure she's going to text me after reading this post about how I do just fine without her when in fact, that is untrue. Lucy, finally. Finally, there's an episode about you.

Lucy encouraged me to write again. She encouraged me to touch a Google Blogger Blog that had stayed empty and quiet ever since I left middle school. She supported me in the ways that she could: through her art. She would doodle me. She would doodle about my blog, even. The proof is up there, haha. And actually, this blog has existed since... my middle school years when Lucy didn't exist in my life yet. Yet, being the silly goose that she is, she managed to CIA stalk the hell out of me and find this blog. In our first year common applications course, she would verbally throw my own silly quotes at my face, accurately reciting bits of my blog that she thought appropriate in the moment.

I found myself shocked that something as dark and deep as my blog was found by someone as pure as my Lucy Goosey. After that, I got back into blogging, finding inspiration to write again. Outside of supporting this blog, Lucy has been a loyal friend to everyone around her. At times when I've felt sad or depressed in front of her, she makes herself available, going above and beyond for me and everyone else she's ever cared for.

She's such a spirited soul, lighting the way anywhere she walks. What's admirable about her is how fearless she is to speak her mind. I can see it now. Her getting into some debate over something with a teacher, and calmly standing her ground. Of course, it's also her to pick her battles. :P Smart gal. haha.

Lucy is a music enthusiast, especially for orchestra pieces. There was a frame of time when she would send me a new piece of music every day, just because I requested. Lucy is a giver. She's a sharer of good stuff. I love her lots for it. <3

I feel like I'm writing a recommendation letter.

HAHA, JOKINGGGG.

Lucy doesn't even need a recommendation letter. One day, just her name and her silly grin are enough to convince ANYone to hire her. Lucy is a world changer. She's a visionary. Sometimes, she just needs a small push just as she has pushed me to continue something I thought I had quit.

She always tries to see the best in people and sometimes, that makes her vulnerable against the worst in people. I hope that... as you're reading this Lucy, that whoever takes advantage of you get what they deserve: a really mean blog post by me, THE NGOC MACHINE.

I'm a monster when I wanna be. ;)

With this all said Lucy, thank you for being you.

You're you. And that's that. And the world needs more of you. I'll say that. <3

Send me more cute stuffs whenever Luceeeey Gooseyyyy,
your ngoc ngoc :P

(Friend Series: Episode 1) My Con -- My Yen -- My Friend for Life

Haha, hi there buddy!

You know, I actually have an updated version of this blog on a Weebly site. 

Here's the site if you're curious, heh: https://ngocloveslife.weebly.com/

And you know what happened? 

I forgot my password. Yup. I'm a dumb butt. I've spent four years in high school and still haven't matured a day, :(.

Goodness, I'm a mess and summer has barely began, ahaha. 

Anywaysss. 

This episode is new and special because it is part of a series about people that have positively affected my life. I just graduated from high school so... recalling those wonderful moments with these people will be a treat for me. :)

Without further ado...

My sister, Yen.

How does one even attempt to do justice to someone as special as one's owns sister?

It's kind of impossible. My goal here is to write something that she would be happy with. :)

Yen is younger than me, by three years. However, our age gap is just something we never notice. It's honestly as if I'm the younger one. Haha. I'm so careless and foolish and I act on my emotions more than my logic. She... Yen is driven by something other. Everyday, she finds the will to exercise, to attend her Thai boxing classes despite how tired she feels at the end of the day. Yen has this incredible amount of inner motivation that gets her through the toughest situations and that inspires me every day (even if hell, I need to seriously exercise more) to become a more motivated person. 

Funny story. When I was 5 years old and Yen was 2, I was FED UP with how my parents got to call my little sister "con" and I couldn't. Context here but the word "con," in Vietnamese means "child" in a loving way... haha. Anyways, I got so mad that I felt rebellious that day and announced in my loudest little kid voice, "FROM NOW ON, I WILL CALL YEN 'CON'!" And... today I still do. She even considers herself my child, hahaha, because she really is my child, in a lot of ways. :P

Yen's my child when she comes up for cuddles. Every night, it's a tuck-in routine. "Come and hug meeeee," she'd say with open arms and puppy dog eyes. The high school kid she-devil would look so adorable that I'd give in. You're probably thinking, "that's hella weird." It is but is it really? 

People would comment about how rare it is to see sisters be so close. Perhaps that's true for other sister relationships, but I'm glad that what Yen and I have is an exception. I can't imagine anyone else in the world who I would love to share sushi with more, watch a Disney princess movie with, karaoke Vietnamese break-up ballads with, or just sit somewhere and talk with. 

She has a globe full of knowledge within her even if she doesn't consider herself "book smart." Like, honestly, she's an expert on most things related to martial arts. Heck, this girl is a boxer/wrestler. She is SO FREAKIN POWERFUL. BUT GUESS WHO WINS WE ACTUALLY WRESTLE? (me :P) 

On top of all this cake, she's easily one of the most outgoing, loving, and giving people I know. If she considers you to be special, then she will go out of her comfort zone, out of her way, to spend time with you. She makes time for the people she loves. She makes time for me, all the time. And oof... being the fool and jerk and bih that I am, I do not prioritize her or her time as often as I should... yooo but I'm still working on it. Yeah. I just hope that I get better at it enough that she'll be happy with me. heh. 

*sigh* 

There really is so much I can say about this girl. BECAUSE I LIVE WITH HER DUH. Yo, I even sleep with her. She's just so freaking adorable and cuddly and squishy. She's like a squishy pillow with a cute little fat round face to do lots of squishy things with. <3 she's the absolute cutest. <3 

And, the kindest. The kindest soul you'll ever meet. Giving in all the ways that you can imagine. She has taught me so many life lessons and one of them, one of the most importannt ones is... making time for those you love. And today, in this small corner of the world, I made a bit of time to write about this girl. About Yen. About my con. 

againnnnn there is just sooo much I can say about her. However, as I move onto the next chapter of my life pretty soon, college, I hope that as she's reading this, as YOU'RE reading this Yen, that you always know you're my most favorite person in the world (besides mom of course!). That I'll always love you. And that I'll always (MOST OF THE TIME, NO PROMISES MY HONEY BUN BUNS) make time for you. 

You're the love of my life. <3 You're my friend for life. <3 

From the makers of Nemanji and chubby person full of soft fats,

Ngoc

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 35 - Change and Selfishness

I'm selfish. No secret there.
How do I know? 
To be honest, I've known this since forever.

Only recently has it hit me; my selfish decisions have consequences.

This fall, as you know, I'll be attending a college outside of my home state. This decision means leaving behind my mother, my sister, people I love. A city that I cherish. My childhood home. All the memories and places I've been a part of for the last 18 years... 

It all started when I began developing my college list.

I only looked at out-of-state schools, believing that I would grow into the best version of myself far from home. Believing that the strongest kind of bird is the one that flies farthest from the nest. That was what I believed. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. It's too early to know. But that was what drove me to be where I am today: a girl feeling pangs of regret. 

Choosing where to spend my next four years is a gift and a curse. I only thought of myself. I tried to be smart about it... asking questions like... 
"Where would I be happy?"
"Is it pretty there?"
"Will I fit in?" 

Questions that bug and burn me today. Is Smith the right choice? It's too cold. I get sick easily. If I'm sick, no one will make my favorite warm rice porridge in the morning. If I'm cold, no one will be there to put a scarf around my neck. If I'm burning with a fever, no one will be there to put a hand to my forehead and tell me to go back to bed... I won't even be able to celebrate my birthdays with my family anymore. I'm an 18 year old girl. I know I don't sound like one right now... haha.

Hey, I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not a special case. I'm not the only one leaving my home. However, this feeling of inevitability makes my heart ache. There's a mix of loneliness and just... gosh the ache. It's going to hurt so much. That's the scary part. Anticipating the pain. 

Of course I'll have my college community to turn to. But my real family is thousands of miles away. My mother who labors every day... my retired father who reminds me to eat every hour... my sister who craves her bedtime stories and hugs. Lots of hugs. I'm going to miss them.

And my city. My home. There are going to be plenty of things to miss...

Of course, being the person I am, I've thought up of a few solutions to my homesickness. However, again, it's too early to know. Lots of things are too early to know... But one thing is for sure, I've just got to get there, go through it all, and learn from my own experiences. Being a first-generation college student, there are many experiences I've yet to understand. Both the good and the bad and the absolutely amazing or the absolutely terrible. 

I'm not ready yet. But.

I'm going to need to be brave. Brave enough to meet new people. Brave enough to start again. Brave enough for new experiences. And possibly, build my own community, my own Smithie family away from family. 

I'll need to have faith in myself. Believing that no matter what, I'm going to make it out alive. I'm going to be okay. Future Ngoc is going to be safe. You're going to be safe too, if you're reading this. We're going to make it. Gosh, it's going to be tough. So tough and sometimes you're going to break a little at the rims. But I promise, we're going to make it somehow. 

You probably don't believe me. And that's okayyyy.

I'm having trouble believing in myself too, haha. 

Hey. The first step to getting over something is fully accepting your reality and your consequences. 

With that said, I think I've already taken the first step. I'm going to be gone for a short while and return as a more wise version of Ngocie-poo. 

Hell, come what may. We're going to be okay. 

BRING IT ONNN

Your girl with lots of love and hope,
Ngoc

Link to a beautiful sad song O___O: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYTJ9YUb6TA

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 34 - Little Changes

The problem with busy schedules is not having enough time for the one person that should matter the most: yourself.

Attending a challenging school for the past four years have thrown my balance off.

Through the piles of work and the lengthy hours...it's difficult to find a way back. It's difficult to find a balance between my own health and my grades. THAT IS SAD.

One evening, as I was knocking out an assignment, I heard my sister calling for me from our bedroom, "Ngoc! Let's meditate!" I was hesitant. Already, in my head, I was weighing out the pros and cons of how a little self-care would affect my schedule. SAD right? The same routine plays itself every Tuesday during homeroom period when yoga class was an open door. I always wanted to do it. So I thought, "wouldn't it be fun if my best friend can join me as well?" She's learned to prioritize her time super well so whenever I invited her along, it was usually a negative.

"Ngoc, I have something I have to do...."

"ah, I understand," I'd reply. And that's the thing; I do understand. *sigh*

It's these little instances in life, when I would realize how much our work can dampen our own personal lives, that hurt me. It'd make me think, "Will I ever find a healthy and sustainable balance between my work and my life?" 

I imagined being 18 to be different, you know?

I thought I'd have my life figured out by now. I thought I'd be hotter. I thought I'd be more confident. I thought many many things. And I believed they would all happen, until they didn't. Until now. haha.

It's not that they didn't happen. It's just feel that I'm not there yet. A part of me fears that I may never get to the place I want to be. 

Maybe it doesn't have to always be this way. Maybe we let this process of putting our own life on hold.... we just let it happen. I've let it happen.

Western new year came and went. Asian Lunar New Year came and went.

I've had two chances to redesign this year, to redesign my life.

Little changes can and have made a difference. 

This year, even if it is mid-February!  x'D

I've promised myself that I'd learn to healthily and sustainably take care of my body and mind.
Why? Because I am the guardian of my own body and the guardian of my own soul. It is up to me to protect myself and make sure that I live and live well.

(also, your girl is gonna go to college so we gotta speed this process UPPPP.)

It it up to me to return to a perhaps wiser version of myself. The girl who called herself the pilot of her own life. The girl that found drops of happiness just by swinging on a hammock in mosquito-filled summers.

So.

Here's my little regimen until the end of February. (we'll need to spice things up for March. :P)

I think that once I write this down, there's no turning back. -_-

- cut down sugar intake (ooof)
- 500 jump-ropes a day
- read a book 20 minutes at least per day
- at least one Blogilates video a day

*sigh*

Little things, am I right?

Tiny steps that add up~ 

I'll meet you at the other side. Let's find our new balance together!

I challenge you to make two or more little positive changes in your life for just two weeks. Maintain it. And celebrate it. Let's.

From giving yourself more time to rest or more time to dance or just hang out with your friends more... anything.

With that said, I part you with this; Cheesy. But. True.

Let's live our lives a little healthier and happier. ^_^

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 33 - England + Friends + Soccer + Swings

"I'm in England.... agh. I'm so aloneee againnnn aagggg. I have to make new friends AGAINNN. HELP," were the first thoughts running through my head as I met the other five students who I would be living intimately with. For two. whole. weeks. help.

So... here I am.

About to tell you the most special moments of my England trip and I even have a special surprise at the end of this episode. ^_^ This episode is incredibly long and I have to warn you that much, because... I grew so much from my trip to England this past summer that the length of this episode itself should prove my point to you. And in more ways than one, this blog episode is just a mere way to document my own growth as an individual... the next problem is... where to actually start, :).

Let's start with the phone call, which I still remember vividly. "Dieungoc, would you accept a spot on the BAFTX Juniors Achievers trip to England?" I remember incoherently screaming a "Yes!!"

Then, I remember the take-off.

I remember the incredible amount of boiling excitement inside. How I couldn't wait to dorm with a roommate from another state. How I couldn't wait to see the Stonehenge and Westminster Abbey and take lots of selfies so my Mom wouldn't be mad. Heh. How I would have to use Wi-Fi to communicate back home. And how far away from home I'd be. Wow.

Those first moments were the epitome of what it meant to be young and free and on a plane. x"D

But, once I arrived in England and realized they drove on the left side, that's when insecurity started bustling in.

Clearly, I'm a socially anxious person. Sure..., I can be outgoing if I want to be. Just, I was so physically and even emotionally drained that as I met new and incredibly trendy souls, I found myself not wanting to catch up. I found myself not wanting to try to fit in, because all I wanted was to meet a group of super chill people who I could be myself with: clueless, yappy, calm me. I just wanted to be calm. I just wanted to be my genuine, lazy self who didn't talk that often because she just wanted to listen. However, finding such a group of people was difficult.

So....I began opening up to my roommate. (By the way, roommates are like, automatic friends if you can vibe with them. :)) ^_^ Apparently, my roommate wasn't another girl from another state. She was Diana. My best bud on the plane from my hometown! The same girl I had already shared an airplane ride with and guess what? WE BOTH JOURNAL, OHMIGOD. I was incredibly relieved that I would dorm with someone I was already comfortable with. So... that meant... sleeping with her wouldn't be a problem! x'D

We shared late-night stories. We shared korean dramas together. We even shared the bathroom and that worked out pretty well. Hahehaheh. OhmigodI'msoweirdaggggg. So many aspects of our lives were shared that I found myself opening up to Diana very quickly. What's a bonus is her bright yet calm energy. Bright yet calm. Gosh. Finally. "Finally," my heart whispered. "Finally," I responded.

Gradually, she and I wanted to expand our friend group. That meant meeting new people. So.

The first few days were super exploratory. Soooo exploratory that Diana and I both agreed to (1) separate if we had to, just to meet new faces (2) be there for each other if either of us got toooo socially anxious (3) promise each other that at the end of day, "babe, there's gonna be that k-drama on youtube we can always watch sooooo... let's have fun now!~" and (4) lots and lots of "You got this!" encouragements.

So yes. I was sooooo socially anxious that I even made an Awkward Pact for Socially Anxious People. But, that kind of honesty? It got me far. Being honest with myself and others I trusted. How far did it get me?

You'll see.

So, onto the trip itself! (yeap. my transitions are as awkward as ever... O_O)

As I explored England and walked upon hundreds and thousands of years of history, I began to finds bits and pieces of my adventurous spirit. I rediscovered the girl who still idealized history, truth, and justice as I traversed through the Holocaust exhibition in the Imperial War Museum, the girl who talked about how fresh the breeze felt and how blue the ocean is ("UNLIKE GALVESTON!!") as I sat down and devoured my first authentic plate of fish and chips in Brighton, watching the puffy clouds drift by over Brighton's blue beach. (But welp, I have to warn you. The water was absolutely freezing.) I rediscovered the girl who enjoyed the warm presence of meeting another quality human being instead of thrilling, firework-like friendships as I sat down with a small group of friends, united by our love for slow tea-sipping. There were so many moments of vivid self-discovery, so much laughter, and so much warmth. It was truly as if I had already built another family away from home.

I began to discover new facets within myself. I was far too surprised to admit it then, but England had helped shape me into a more wise, more open-minded individual than I could ever hope to be without it. 

One of the most life-changing lessons of the trip for me was this: moments don't just come to you, you make them. And how would I possibly know? I lived it!

It was a cool, breezy evening. Coming back from a long day of walking throughout London and admiring art pieces from the Tate Modern, Diana and I decided to just call it a day. "We're gonna head back and take a longggg nap. Maybe past bedtime."

Except before we even reached our dorm, one of the other girls whom we had rarely conversed with, reached out to us and asked,  "Hey guys? You guys wanna play tennis tonight?"

Before I could utter how weary I was, Diana looked at me and mouthed, "new friends!" and turned back to the new girl to reply for me. "Yes! We'd love to play." And that sealed the deal for that evening. Tennis with new buddies. Tennis despite how tired we all felt. But gosh, as I sit here and type up this blog, I am far more grateful now that Diana replied as she did. Her hesitant but excited, "Yes!"

And off we headed to the courts just a walk away from the school. Walking as a small group of 6-ish students, I felt... something happen. The makings of something magical felt all too real in the air that evening, yet at the time, I wasn't able to put a finger on it. Joking around and playing tennis together. Awfully. Awfully. Without anyone keeping score, a bunch of noobies played together under the darkening, orange sky. I felt connected. I felt present and tied by nothing but laughter and love. Perhaps I sound like a friendless teenager. For sure, I sound lame, but that night was the beginning of a beautiful friendship among our small group of friends. We weren't just building camaraderie; we were building family. 

But it was soccer games that solidified my newfound friendships, at least, for me, haha. Gosh, soccer... my inner FIFA World Cup fan came out and I played as if I was a Croatian soccer player, fast and tough.

Through daily, YES, DAILY, games of evening soccer together (3 v 3), my friends and I were each other's defenders, opponents, and cheerleaders. Racing through the wide, green field, I found myself at ease and in tune with the girl who may not be able to run as fast as the other kids but loved to run just the same. Of course, most of the time I was out of breath and survived as my team's goalie, haha. After the two-hour length games, we would all wearily walk to the swing sets on the playground further away. It was on the swings and benches that we would share stories about our lives back home. Where we hoped to end up maybe 4 years from now. 6 years from now. I still keep those conversations deep in my heart. And if you were there, you would see us all trying to balance on this ride that twirls you around and around, laughing. You would hear us play loud music and belt our voices as loud as we could to Let It Go or some American rock classic. Just kids, all with difficult, uncertain futures and lives back home. Yet despite that, we managed to bond over the simplest things: sports and music.

And if you were walking alongside us in Brighton along the busy shops and the boba shops, you would see us all grouped together, carefully crossing the streets in our summer sandals, laughing about some musical nonsense. In those moments, I felt as if my heart was home. It felt as if... a part of me would always belong to those moments, belong to England.

Gosh. England...

On my plane back to Houston, there was more than enough evidence to say that I had just made a lifetime of happiness and friendships in the span of two weeks. I kept these friendships and though, today, the group chat is clearly not as alive as it used to be, the support is still there. We all separated back into our lives and promised each other we would live them to the best of our ability. It is difficult to communicate how proud I am of every single person I met on the trip and how I hope they really live their dreams. Each of them deserve that and more.

For me, my dreams lied in... "what are my next steps to getting into the college of my dreams?"

Hence, after England, I worked hard and spent the rest of the summer applying to college fly-ins. My adventurous spirit flourished as I got accepted into not one but four college fly-ins: Bryn Mawr, Smith, Macalester, and Washington and Lee.

I was fortunate enough to attend three of them. Bryn Mawr, Smith, and Washington and Lee. Each of those fly-ins felt as if I was reliving England except the location was different, the people were different, but the adventure was still there. The adventure would always be there. And it was with that mindset that made each and every fly-in so unique and memorable. England taught me that I can be thrown into a whole new world and still flourish like no one's business. ^_^ And that is an aspect of myself that won't go away any time soon. Haha.

Lastly... I think it's the finale almost. But I still haven't shared with you which college I will be attending next fall. :P

So. Without further ado, YES. I'm going to be a SMITHIEEEEEE!!!!!!

My ultimate decision to choose Smith lies not in the fact that it was far from home or that it was an all-women's but in the belief that this is the one place I can see myself becoming the best version of myself just as England encouraged me to be. England has, undoubtedly, taught me many life lessons, but it has also helped inform my decisions after it. 

And so... this episode was just a summary of a trip I've been needing to document. As you can see, I grew a lot. Of course, I'm still socially anxious! But, I'm braver now. On each trip and every trip, from England to the individual fly-ins... I always met at least one person I clicked with. And that? That deserves its own episode.

But for now, this episode if more of a focus on how adventure can inspire self-growth and just as importantly, self-exploration. I am a greater person today than I was before England. And I hope that you can find your own adventures and make what you will of each and every one of them.

I hope that this episode of mine inspires you to do that at least.

It's a new year~ so throw yourself into a new and uncomfortable world. 

You'll see what I mean. ^_^

And if you want, I'd love to hear how you've taken that advice. :)

So. Hey. Let's... let's get it. Let's do this thing.

Let's be brave.

Your socially-anxious-but-not-so-socially-anxious girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Thank you Anastasia and Lucy and Daanish and Charlie and Liana and Prasha and Paramita and everyone else I forgot to mention who supported me. Thank you for being a part of my blog journey and encouraging me to reach this far. Maybe all you said was, "hey, Ngoc, not bad." BUT, that was enough to get me here today. Thank you so much.

P.p.s. I know that each of my episodes are imperfect in some way. But thank you so much for reading them, whoever you are. <3