I will cry. Or maybe, I'll be too tired to cry. "It's not over until it's over," I'd remind myself. Except this time, it is. My childhood is over.
My mother and sister would travel with me. That means leaving my father behind, the first man I ever loved in my life. Despite the tenseness of our relationship, despite the many unhappy arguments between him and I, all of those memories would vanquish as I cry my last good bye and as he drives away in the white truck my mother had bargained to the teeth for.
I've taken everything for granted. I lived as if I'd have all these things forever. I lived as if there would never be a good bye. I never truly appreciated the people who've loved me these last 18 years, or the place I've called home. In short, I'm a fool.
I'm definitely being too dramatic about this. I'll return in four months. Four long months. Anything can change. There will be losses. There will be gains. I won't be there for my sister's 16th birthday. I won't be there to comfort her or hug her when she most needs it. I won't be there to catch up on the dish washing, haha. I won't be there for the many memories that I'd have if I were still here, at home. Gosh, and Yen. Ag, I'm going to miss sharing hugs with her, the greatest gift ever given to me -- my sister.
I love my home. I love Houston. I love my family.
Customers at the nail salon who have watched me grow up would perk up happily as I update them about where I'm attending college. I'd chirp, "Massachusetts. And no, I haven't shopped for winter clothing yet, haha." They'd respond, "Gosh, I'm so excited and proud of you. You're going to have an amazing time!"
An amazing time. I'll have fun for sure. I'll meet new people of course. I just... I don't believe quite yet that I'm about to leave. It's upending me right now and last night, this simple fact: I'm flying out tomorrow morning. And that's that.
An application to an out-of-state school never felt real until you're actually packing and buying 20 packets of different ramen for the first time. "In case you miss home AND you're hungry," Yen had said, as she advised me to buy ramen for Smith.
Haha, believe it or not, I'm tearing us as I type this post. It's been months since I've written my last episode. It seems that it's only when I'm at my worst that I'm willing to sit down and type furiously away.
Many years ago when I was three, I remember running around our small kitchen table over and over again. I pretended, in my head, that there was an imaginary younger sister I was chasing. It was morning. Dad had come in from outside with black oil on his hands and cheeks as always. As he was turning on the sink to wash his hands, he looked over at me and asked in a happy voice, "What is the one thing you want most in the world?"
Without hesitation, I said, "A sister! A little sister to play with!"
"Well that's funny. You're getting one super soon!"
And in a blur, the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life grew into the most adorable, lovable, kind, and attentive girl. I won't be able around to see her grow into an amazing young woman, as much as I wish I would...
Lately, little pieces and memories like these would pop in my head and I'd yearn, more than anything, that I would be staying at home. Staying in Houston.
I'm not yet finished with packing, haha. I'm positive that I'm missing a few essentials. I'm positive that I'll cry, a lot. Homesickness will settle in. I'd crave a flight home. I'd crave for a hug, a few words of encouragement, or just a letter from home.
I don't know how to stay positive yet, but for sure, I will have to find my own place. I will have to challenge myself, more than ever, to make my own family, away from family. The goal here isn't to stay happy in college. That's not going to be possible for a first year like myself, heh. The goal here is to make choices that "future me" would look back on and be proud of and grateful for.
I'm going to make tons of mistakes. I can already feel it. First semester might just be downright awful. First semester might be utterly amazing. First semester might be a mix of the awful and the amazing.
Stay tuned everyone. :)
(This is probably the most imperfect episode I've ever written. :P)
With love and gratefulness and plenty of fear,
Ngoc
P.s. It's only been 38 episodes guys. Thank you to everyone who have stuck around this little blog of mine and watched me grow. There's no proof yet that I have grown, haha, but I'm trying, every day, to be a little kinder, a little braver, and a little wiser. College might just expedite the process. :P
P.p.s.We haven't reached our goal of 100 episodes yet. You can count on my promise! :)
P.p.p.s. Sending my heart out to everyone else going out to college, far from home. You're brave. You deserve to be there. I'm rooting for you.
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