I'm selfish. No secret there.
How do I know?
To be honest, I've known this since forever.
Only recently has it hit me; my selfish decisions have consequences.
This fall, as you know, I'll be attending a college outside of my home state. This decision means leaving behind my mother, my sister, people I love. A city that I cherish. My childhood home. All the memories and places I've been a part of for the last 18 years...
It all started when I began developing my college list.
I only looked at out-of-state schools, believing that I would grow into the best version of myself far from home. Believing that the strongest kind of bird is the one that flies farthest from the nest. That was what I believed. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. It's too early to know. But that was what drove me to be where I am today: a girl feeling pangs of regret.
Choosing where to spend my next four years is a gift and a curse. I only thought of myself. I tried to be smart about it... asking questions like...
"Where would I be happy?"
"Is it pretty there?"
"Will I fit in?"
Questions that bug and burn me today. Is Smith the right choice? It's too cold. I get sick easily. If I'm sick, no one will make my favorite warm rice porridge in the morning. If I'm cold, no one will be there to put a scarf around my neck. If I'm burning with a fever, no one will be there to put a hand to my forehead and tell me to go back to bed... I won't even be able to celebrate my birthdays with my family anymore. I'm an 18 year old girl. I know I don't sound like one right now... haha.
Hey, I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not a special case. I'm not the only one leaving my home. However, this feeling of inevitability makes my heart ache. There's a mix of loneliness and just... gosh the ache. It's going to hurt so much. That's the scary part. Anticipating the pain.
Of course I'll have my college community to turn to. But my real family is thousands of miles away. My mother who labors every day... my retired father who reminds me to eat every hour... my sister who craves her bedtime stories and hugs. Lots of hugs. I'm going to miss them.
And my city. My home. There are going to be plenty of things to miss...
Of course, being the person I am, I've thought up of a few solutions to my homesickness. However, again, it's too early to know. Lots of things are too early to know... But one thing is for sure, I've just got to get there, go through it all, and learn from my own experiences. Being a first-generation college student, there are many experiences I've yet to understand. Both the good and the bad and the absolutely amazing or the absolutely terrible.
I'm not ready yet. But.
I'm going to need to be brave. Brave enough to meet new people. Brave enough to start again. Brave enough for new experiences. And possibly, build my own community, my own Smithie family away from family.
I'll need to have faith in myself. Believing that no matter what, I'm going to make it out alive. I'm going to be okay. Future Ngoc is going to be safe. You're going to be safe too, if you're reading this. We're going to make it. Gosh, it's going to be tough. So tough and sometimes you're going to break a little at the rims. But I promise, we're going to make it somehow.
You probably don't believe me. And that's okayyyy.
I'm having trouble believing in myself too, haha.
Hey. The first step to getting over something is fully accepting your reality and your consequences.
With that said, I think I've already taken the first step. I'm going to be gone for a short while and return as a more wise version of Ngocie-poo.
Hell, come what may. We're going to be okay.
BRING IT ONNN
Your girl with lots of love and hope,
Ngoc
Link to a beautiful sad song O___O: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYTJ9YUb6TA
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