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Tuesday, January 20, 2026

Letter from a Birmingham Jail - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Ivanna, when she visited this past weekend, which I will write of later ( ^-^ ), and I listened to the Martin Luther King's Narration of his "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" and paused so many times. Soooo many times. To discuss, be enthralled. 

I haven't written a lot in the past 2 months, but the piece below is a masterpiece and transmissive into our times today, 63 years later now in 2026. I feel so much with every word. You can hear his frustration, his hope, his logic. The constant game of waiting for the "right time" to ask for change, to demand it, and to fight to be seen as an equal. 

You can listen on YouTube - Letter from a Birmingham Jail

 
AFRICAN STUDIES CENTER - UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA
 

"Letter from a Birmingham Jail [King, Jr.]"

16 April 1963

My Dear Fellow Clergymen:

While confined here in the Birmingham city jail, I came across your recent statement calling my present activities "unwise and untimely." Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas. If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would have little time for anything other than such correspondence in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work. But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.

I think I should indicate why I am here in Birmingham, since you have been influenced by the view which argues against "outsiders coming in." I have the honor of serving as president of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, an organization operating in every southern state, with headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. We have some eighty five affiliated organizations across the South, and one of them is the Alabama Christian Movement for Human Rights. Frequently we share staff, educational and financial resources with our affiliates. Several months ago the affiliate here in Birmingham asked us to be on call to engage in a nonviolent direct action program if such were deemed necessary. We readily consented, and when the hour came we lived up to our promise. So I, along with several members of my staff, am here because I was invited here. I am here because I have organizational ties here.

But more basically, I am in Birmingham because injustice is here. Just as the prophets of the eighth century B.C. left their villages and carried their "thus saith the Lord" far beyond the boundaries of their home towns, and just as the Apostle Paul left his village of Tarsus and carried the gospel of Jesus Christ to the far corners of the Greco Roman world, so am I compelled to carry the gospel of freedom beyond my own home town. Like Paul, I must constantly respond to the Macedonian call for aid.

Moreover, I am cognizant of the interrelatedness of all communities and states. I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be concerned about what happens in Birmingham. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial "outside agitator" idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.

You deplore the demonstrations taking place in Birmingham. But your statement, I am sorry to say, fails to express a similar concern for the conditions that brought about the demonstrations. I am sure that none of you would want to rest content with the superficial kind of social analysis that deals merely with effects and does not grapple with underlying causes. It is unfortunate that demonstrations are taking place in Birmingham, but it is even more unfortunate that the city's white power structure left the Negro community with no alternative.

In any nonviolent campaign there are four basic steps: collection of the facts to determine whether injustices exist; negotiation; self purification; and direct action. We have gone through all these steps in Birmingham. There can be no gainsaying the fact that racial injustice engulfs this community. Birmingham is probably the most thoroughly segregated city in the United States. Its ugly record of brutality is widely known. Negroes have experienced grossly unjust treatment in the courts. There have been more unsolved bombings of Negro homes and churches in Birmingham than in any other city in the nation. These are the hard, brutal facts of the case. On the basis of these conditions, Negro leaders sought to negotiate with the city fathers. But the latter consistently refused to engage in good faith negotiation.

Then, last September, came the opportunity to talk with leaders of Birmingham's economic community. In the course of the negotiations, certain promises were made by the merchants--for example, to remove the stores' humiliating racial signs. On the basis of these promises, the Reverend Fred Shuttlesworth and the leaders of the Alabama Christian Movement for Human Rights agreed to a moratorium on all demonstrations. As the weeks and months went by, we realized that we were the victims of a broken promise. A few signs, briefly removed, returned; the others remained. As in so many past experiences, our hopes had been blasted, and the shadow of deep disappointment settled upon us. We had no alternative except to prepare for direct action, whereby we would present our very bodies as a means of laying our case before the conscience of the local and the national community. Mindful of the difficulties involved, we decided to undertake a process of self purification. We began a series of workshops on nonviolence, and we repeatedly asked ourselves: "Are you able to accept blows without retaliating?" "Are you able to endure the ordeal of jail?" We decided to schedule our direct action program for the Easter season, realizing that except for Christmas, this is the main shopping period of the year. Knowing that a strong economic-withdrawal program would be the by product of direct action, we felt that this would be the best time to bring pressure to bear on the merchants for the needed change.

Then it occurred to us that Birmingham's mayoral election was coming up in March, and we speedily decided to postpone action until after election day. When we discovered that the Commissioner of Public Safety, Eugene "Bull" Connor, had piled up enough votes to be in the run off, we decided again to postpone action until the day after the run off so that the demonstrations could not be used to cloud the issues. Like many others, we waited to see Mr. Connor defeated, and to this end we endured postponement after postponement. Having aided in this community need, we felt that our direct action program could be delayed no longer.

You may well ask: "Why direct action? Why sit ins, marches and so forth? Isn't negotiation a better path?" You are quite right in calling for negotiation. Indeed, this is the very purpose of direct action. Nonviolent direct action seeks to create such a crisis and foster such a tension that a community which has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue. It seeks so to dramatize the issue that it can no longer be ignored. My citing the creation of tension as part of the work of the nonviolent resister may sound rather shocking. But I must confess that I am not afraid of the word "tension." I have earnestly opposed violent tension, but there is a type of constructive, nonviolent tension which is necessary for growth. Just as Socrates felt that it was necessary to create a tension in the mind so that individuals could rise from the bondage of myths and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal, so must we see the need for nonviolent gadflies to create the kind of tension in society that will help men rise from the dark depths of prejudice and racism to the majestic heights of understanding and brotherhood. The purpose of our direct action program is to create a situation so crisis packed that it will inevitably open the door to negotiation. I therefore concur with you in your call for negotiation. Too long has our beloved Southland been bogged down in a tragic effort to live in monologue rather than dialogue.

One of the basic points in your statement is that the action that I and my associates have taken in Birmingham is untimely. Some have asked: "Why didn't you give the new city administration time to act?" The only answer that I can give to this query is that the new Birmingham administration must be prodded about as much as the outgoing one, before it will act. We are sadly mistaken if we feel that the election of Albert Boutwell as mayor will bring the millennium to Birmingham. While Mr. Boutwell is a much more gentle person than Mr. Connor, they are both segregationists, dedicated to maintenance of the status quo. I have hope that Mr. Boutwell will be reasonable enough to see the futility of massive resistance to desegregation. But he will not see this without pressure from devotees of civil rights. My friends, I must say to you that we have not made a single gain in civil rights without determined legal and nonviolent pressure. Lamentably, it is an historical fact that privileged groups seldom give up their privileges voluntarily. Individuals may see the moral light and voluntarily give up their unjust posture; but, as Reinhold Niebuhr has reminded us, groups tend to be more immoral than individuals.

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was "well timed" in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word "Wait!" It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This "Wait" has almost always meant "Never." We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that "justice too long delayed is justice denied."

We have waited for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we still creep at horse and buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness"--then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience. You express a great deal of anxiety over our willingness to break laws. This is certainly a legitimate concern. Since we so diligently urge people to obey the Supreme Court's decision of 1954 outlawing segregation in the public schools, at first glance it may seem rather paradoxical for us consciously to break laws. One may well ask: "How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?" The answer lies in the fact that there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that "an unjust law is no law at all."

Now, what is the difference between the two? How does one determine whether a law is just or unjust? A just law is a man made code that squares with the moral law or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law. To put it in the terms of St. Thomas Aquinas: An unjust law is a human law that is not rooted in eternal law and natural law. Any law that uplifts human personality is just. Any law that degrades human personality is unjust. All segregation statutes are unjust because segregation distorts the soul and damages the personality. It gives the segregator a false sense of superiority and the segregated a false sense of inferiority. Segregation, to use the terminology of the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, substitutes an "I it" relationship for an "I thou" relationship and ends up relegating persons to the status of things. Hence segregation is not only politically, economically and sociologically unsound, it is morally wrong and sinful. Paul Tillich has said that sin is separation. Is not segregation an existential expression of man's tragic separation, his awful estrangement, his terrible sinfulness? Thus it is that I can urge men to obey the 1954 decision of the Supreme Court, for it is morally right; and I can urge them to disobey segregation ordinances, for they are morally wrong.

Let us consider a more concrete example of just and unjust laws. An unjust law is a code that a numerical or power majority group compels a minority group to obey but does not make binding on itself. This is difference made legal. By the same token, a just law is a code that a majority compels a minority to follow and that it is willing to follow itself. This is sameness made legal. Let me give another explanation. A law is unjust if it is inflicted on a minority that, as a result of being denied the right to vote, had no part in enacting or devising the law. Who can say that the legislature of Alabama which set up that state's segregation laws was democratically elected? Throughout Alabama all sorts of devious methods are used to prevent Negroes from becoming registered voters, and there are some counties in which, even though Negroes constitute a majority of the population, not a single Negro is registered. Can any law enacted under such circumstances be considered democratically structured?

Sometimes a law is just on its face and unjust in its application. For instance, I have been arrested on a charge of parading without a permit. Now, there is nothing wrong in having an ordinance which requires a permit for a parade. But such an ordinance becomes unjust when it is used to maintain segregation and to deny citizens the First-Amendment privilege of peaceful assembly and protest.

I hope you are able to see the distinction I am trying to point out. In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law, as would the rabid segregationist. That would lead to anarchy. One who breaks an unjust law must do so openly, lovingly, and with a willingness to accept the penalty. I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.

Of course, there is nothing new about this kind of civil disobedience. It was evidenced sublimely in the refusal of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to obey the laws of Nebuchadnezzar, on the ground that a higher moral law was at stake. It was practiced superbly by the early Christians, who were willing to face hungry lions and the excruciating pain of chopping blocks rather than submit to certain unjust laws of the Roman Empire. To a degree, academic freedom is a reality today because Socrates practiced civil disobedience. In our own nation, the Boston Tea Party represented a massive act of civil disobedience.

We should never forget that everything Adolf Hitler did in Germany was "legal" and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was "illegal." It was "illegal" to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler's Germany. Even so, I am sure that, had I lived in Germany at the time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers. If today I lived in a Communist country where certain principles dear to the Christian faith are suppressed, I would openly advocate disobeying that country's antireligious laws.

I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro's great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen's Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to "order" than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: "I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action"; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man's freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a "more convenient season." Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.

I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that law and order exist for the purpose of establishing justice and that when they fail in this purpose they become the dangerously structured dams that block the flow of social progress. I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that the present tension in the South is a necessary phase of the transition from an obnoxious negative peace, in which the Negro passively accepted his unjust plight, to a substantive and positive peace, in which all men will respect the dignity and worth of human personality. Actually, we who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.

In your statement you assert that our actions, even though peaceful, must be condemned because they precipitate violence. But is this a logical assertion? Isn't this like condemning a robbed man because his possession of money precipitated the evil act of robbery? Isn't this like condemning Socrates because his unswerving commitment to truth and his philosophical inquiries precipitated the act by the misguided populace in which they made him drink hemlock? Isn't this like condemning Jesus because his unique God consciousness and never ceasing devotion to God's will precipitated the evil act of crucifixion? We must come to see that, as the federal courts have consistently affirmed, it is wrong to urge an individual to cease his efforts to gain his basic constitutional rights because the quest may precipitate violence. Society must protect the robbed and punish the robber. I had also hoped that the white moderate would reject the myth concerning time in relation to the struggle for freedom. I have just received a letter from a white brother in Texas. He writes: "All Christians know that the colored people will receive equal rights eventually, but it is possible that you are in too great a religious hurry. It has taken Christianity almost two thousand years to accomplish what it has. The teachings of Christ take time to come to earth." Such an attitude stems from a tragic misconception of time, from the strangely irrational notion that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure all ills. Actually, time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively. More and more I feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than have the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless efforts of men willing to be co workers with God, and without this hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, in the knowledge that the time is always ripe to do right. Now is the time to make real the promise of democracy and transform our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. Now is the time to lift our national policy from the quicksand of racial injustice to the solid rock of human dignity.

You speak of our activity in Birmingham as extreme. At first I was rather disappointed that fellow clergymen would see my nonviolent efforts as those of an extremist. I began thinking about the fact that I stand in the middle of two opposing forces in the Negro community. One is a force of complacency, made up in part of Negroes who, as a result of long years of oppression, are so drained of self respect and a sense of "somebodiness" that they have adjusted to segregation; and in part of a few middle-class Negroes who, because of a degree of academic and economic security and because in some ways they profit by segregation, have become insensitive to the problems of the masses. The other force is one of bitterness and hatred, and it comes perilously close to advocating violence. It is expressed in the various black nationalist groups that are springing up across the nation, the largest and best known being Elijah Muhammad's Muslim movement. Nourished by the Negro's frustration over the continued existence of racial discrimination, this movement is made up of people who have lost faith in America, who have absolutely repudiated Christianity, and who have concluded that the white man is an incorrigible "devil."

I have tried to stand between these two forces, saying that we need emulate neither the "do nothingism" of the complacent nor the hatred and despair of the black nationalist. For there is the more excellent way of love and nonviolent protest. I am grateful to God that, through the influence of the Negro church, the way of nonviolence became an integral part of our struggle. If this philosophy had not emerged, by now many streets of the South would, I am convinced, be flowing with blood. And I am further convinced that if our white brothers dismiss as "rabble rousers" and "outside agitators" those of us who employ nonviolent direct action, and if they refuse to support our nonviolent efforts, millions of Negroes will, out of frustration and despair, seek solace and security in black nationalist ideologies--a development that would inevitably lead to a frightening racial nightmare.

Oppressed people cannot remain oppressed forever. The yearning for freedom eventually manifests itself, and that is what has happened to the American Negro. Something within has reminded him of his birthright of freedom, and something without has reminded him that it can be gained. Consciously or unconsciously, he has been caught up by the Zeitgeist, and with his black brothers of Africa and his brown and yellow brothers of Asia, South America and the Caribbean, the United States Negro is moving with a sense of great urgency toward the promised land of racial justice. If one recognizes this vital urge that has engulfed the Negro community, one should readily understand why public demonstrations are taking place. The Negro has many pent up resentments and latent frustrations, and he must release them. So let him march; let him make prayer pilgrimages to the city hall; let him go on freedom rides -and try to understand why he must do so. If his repressed emotions are not released in nonviolent ways, they will seek expression through violence; this is not a threat but a fact of history. So I have not said to my people: "Get rid of your discontent." Rather, I have tried to say that this normal and healthy discontent can be channeled into the creative outlet of nonviolent direct action. And now this approach is being termed extremist. But though I was initially disappointed at being categorized as an extremist, as I continued to think about the matter I gradually gained a measure of satisfaction from the label. Was not Jesus an extremist for love: "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Was not Amos an extremist for justice: "Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever flowing stream." Was not Paul an extremist for the Christian gospel: "I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus." Was not Martin Luther an extremist: "Here I stand; I cannot do otherwise, so help me God." And John Bunyan: "I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a butchery of my conscience." And Abraham Lincoln: "This nation cannot survive half slave and half free." And Thomas Jefferson: "We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal . . ." So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate or for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice? In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill three men were crucified. We must never forget that all three were crucified for the same crime--the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. The other, Jesus Christ, was an extremist for love, truth and goodness, and thereby rose above his environment. Perhaps the South, the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists.

I had hoped that the white moderate would see this need. Perhaps I was too optimistic; perhaps I expected too much. I suppose I should have realized that few members of the oppressor race can understand the deep groans and passionate yearnings of the oppressed race, and still fewer have the vision to see that injustice must be rooted out by strong, persistent and determined action. I am thankful, however, that some of our white brothers in the South have grasped the meaning of this social revolution and committed themselves to it. They are still all too few in quantity, but they are big in quality. Some -such as Ralph McGill, Lillian Smith, Harry Golden, James McBride Dabbs, Ann Braden and Sarah Patton Boyle--have written about our struggle in eloquent and prophetic terms. Others have marched with us down nameless streets of the South. They have languished in filthy, roach infested jails, suffering the abuse and brutality of policemen who view them as "dirty nigger-lovers." Unlike so many of their moderate brothers and sisters, they have recognized the urgency of the moment and sensed the need for powerful "action" antidotes to combat the disease of segregation. Let me take note of my other major disappointment. I have been so greatly disappointed with the white church and its leadership. Of course, there are some notable exceptions. I am not unmindful of the fact that each of you has taken some significant stands on this issue. I commend you, Reverend Stallings, for your Christian stand on this past Sunday, in welcoming Negroes to your worship service on a nonsegregated basis. I commend the Catholic leaders of this state for integrating Spring Hill College several years ago.

But despite these notable exceptions, I must honestly reiterate that I have been disappointed with the church. I do not say this as one of those negative critics who can always find something wrong with the church. I say this as a minister of the gospel, who loves the church; who was nurtured in its bosom; who has been sustained by its spiritual blessings and who will remain true to it as long as the cord of life shall lengthen.

When I was suddenly catapulted into the leadership of the bus protest in Montgomery, Alabama, a few years ago, I felt we would be supported by the white church. I felt that the white ministers, priests and rabbis of the South would be among our strongest allies. Instead, some have been outright opponents, refusing to understand the freedom movement and misrepresenting its leaders; all too many others have been more cautious than courageous and have remained silent behind the anesthetizing security of stained glass windows.

In spite of my shattered dreams, I came to Birmingham with the hope that the white religious leadership of this community would see the justice of our cause and, with deep moral concern, would serve as the channel through which our just grievances could reach the power structure. I had hoped that each of you would understand. But again I have been disappointed.

I have heard numerous southern religious leaders admonish their worshipers to comply with a desegregation decision because it is the law, but I have longed to hear white ministers declare: "Follow this decree because integration is morally right and because the Negro is your brother." In the midst of blatant injustices inflicted upon the Negro, I have watched white churchmen stand on the sideline and mouth pious irrelevancies and sanctimonious trivialities. In the midst of a mighty struggle to rid our nation of racial and economic injustice, I have heard many ministers say: "Those are social issues, with which the gospel has no real concern." And I have watched many churches commit themselves to a completely other worldly religion which makes a strange, un-Biblical distinction between body and soul, between the sacred and the secular.

I have traveled the length and breadth of Alabama, Mississippi and all the other southern states. On sweltering summer days and crisp autumn mornings I have looked at the South's beautiful churches with their lofty spires pointing heavenward. I have beheld the impressive outlines of her massive religious education buildings. Over and over I have found myself asking: "What kind of people worship here? Who is their God? Where were their voices when the lips of Governor Barnett dripped with words of interposition and nullification? Where were they when Governor Wallace gave a clarion call for defiance and hatred? Where were their voices of support when bruised and weary Negro men and women decided to rise from the dark dungeons of complacency to the bright hills of creative protest?"

Yes, these questions are still in my mind. In deep disappointment I have wept over the laxity of the church. But be assured that my tears have been tears of love. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. Yes, I love the church. How could I do otherwise? I am in the rather unique position of being the son, the grandson and the great grandson of preachers. Yes, I see the church as the body of Christ. But, oh! How we have blemished and scarred that body through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists.

There was a time when the church was very powerful--in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society. Whenever the early Christians entered a town, the people in power became disturbed and immediately sought to convict the Christians for being "disturbers of the peace" and "outside agitators."' But the Christians pressed on, in the conviction that they were "a colony of heaven," called to obey God rather than man. Small in number, they were big in commitment. They were too God-intoxicated to be "astronomically intimidated." By their effort and example they brought an end to such ancient evils as infanticide and gladiatorial contests. Things are different now. So often the contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is an archdefender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church's silent--and often even vocal--sanction of things as they are.

But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today's church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century. Every day I meet young people whose disappointment with the church has turned into outright disgust.

Perhaps I have once again been too optimistic. Is organized religion too inextricably bound to the status quo to save our nation and the world? Perhaps I must turn my faith to the inner spiritual church, the church within the church, as the true ekklesia and the hope of the world. But again I am thankful to God that some noble souls from the ranks of organized religion have broken loose from the paralyzing chains of conformity and joined us as active partners in the struggle for freedom. They have left their secure congregations and walked the streets of Albany, Georgia, with us. They have gone down the highways of the South on tortuous rides for freedom. Yes, they have gone to jail with us. Some have been dismissed from their churches, have lost the support of their bishops and fellow ministers. But they have acted in the faith that right defeated is stronger than evil triumphant. Their witness has been the spiritual salt that has preserved the true meaning of the gospel in these troubled times. They have carved a tunnel of hope through the dark mountain of disappointment. I hope the church as a whole will meet the challenge of this decisive hour. But even if the church does not come to the aid of justice, I have no despair about the future. I have no fear about the outcome of our struggle in Birmingham, even if our motives are at present misunderstood. We will reach the goal of freedom in Birmingham and all over the nation, because the goal of America is freedom. Abused and scorned though we may be, our destiny is tied up with America's destiny. Before the pilgrims landed at Plymouth, we were here. Before the pen of Jefferson etched the majestic words of the Declaration of Independence across the pages of history, we were here. For more than two centuries our forebears labored in this country without wages; they made cotton king; they built the homes of their masters while suffering gross injustice and shameful humiliation -and yet out of a bottomless vitality they continued to thrive and develop. If the inexpressible cruelties of slavery could not stop us, the opposition we now face will surely fail. We will win our freedom because the sacred heritage of our nation and the eternal will of God are embodied in our echoing demands. Before closing I feel impelled to mention one other point in your statement that has troubled me profoundly. You warmly commended the Birmingham police force for keeping "order" and "preventing violence." I doubt that you would have so warmly commended the police force if you had seen its dogs sinking their teeth into unarmed, nonviolent Negroes. I doubt that you would so quickly commend the policemen if you were to observe their ugly and inhumane treatment of Negroes here in the city jail; if you were to watch them push and curse old Negro women and young Negro girls; if you were to see them slap and kick old Negro men and young boys; if you were to observe them, as they did on two occasions, refuse to give us food because we wanted to sing our grace together. I cannot join you in your praise of the Birmingham police department.

It is true that the police have exercised a degree of discipline in handling the demonstrators. In this sense they have conducted themselves rather "nonviolently" in public. But for what purpose? To preserve the evil system of segregation. Over the past few years I have consistently preached that nonviolence demands that the means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek. I have tried to make clear that it is wrong to use immoral means to attain moral ends. But now I must affirm that it is just as wrong, or perhaps even more so, to use moral means to preserve immoral ends. Perhaps Mr. Connor and his policemen have been rather nonviolent in public, as was Chief Pritchett in Albany, Georgia, but they have used the moral means of nonviolence to maintain the immoral end of racial injustice. As T. S. Eliot has said: "The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason."

I wish you had commended the Negro sit inners and demonstrators of Birmingham for their sublime courage, their willingness to suffer and their amazing discipline in the midst of great provocation. One day the South will recognize its real heroes. They will be the James Merediths, with the noble sense of purpose that enables them to face jeering and hostile mobs, and with the agonizing loneliness that characterizes the life of the pioneer. They will be old, oppressed, battered Negro women, symbolized in a seventy two year old woman in Montgomery, Alabama, who rose up with a sense of dignity and with her people decided not to ride segregated buses, and who responded with ungrammatical profundity to one who inquired about her weariness: "My feets is tired, but my soul is at rest." They will be the young high school and college students, the young ministers of the gospel and a host of their elders, courageously and nonviolently sitting in at lunch counters and willingly going to jail for conscience' sake. One day the South will know that when these disinherited children of God sat down at lunch counters, they were in reality standing up for what is best in the American dream and for the most sacred values in our Judaeo Christian heritage, thereby bringing our nation back to those great wells of democracy which were dug deep by the founding fathers in their formulation of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.

Never before have I written so long a letter. I'm afraid it is much too long to take your precious time. I can assure you that it would have been much shorter if I had been writing from a comfortable desk, but what else can one do when he is alone in a narrow jail cell, other than write long letters, think long thoughts and pray long prayers?

If I have said anything in this letter that overstates the truth and indicates an unreasonable impatience, I beg you to forgive me. If I have said anything that understates the truth and indicates my having a patience that allows me to settle for anything less than brotherhood, I beg God to forgive me.

I hope this letter finds you strong in the faith. I also hope that circumstances will soon make it possible for me to meet each of you, not as an integrationist or a civil-rights leader but as a fellow clergyman and a Christian brother. Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our fear drenched communities, and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating beauty.

Yours for the cause of Peace and Brotherhood, Martin Luther King, Jr.
Published in:
King, Martin Luther Jr.


Saturday, November 22, 2025

Will she come back?

"I said I would be back. Don't be lonely. You are welcome back home wherever you are."
- G-Dragon, Daesung, Taeyang Comeback

I never left. I must have made a promise that is hazy now, but in the window, there is

a flower petal behind me somewhere. A 4-foot tree is there now.

Like all the great returns there ever was, I never let you go. I looked back, perhaps not enough, but I did look back.

I will never let you go. Even if it gets harder, even if the bureaucracy sweeps away our efforts or the house gods want us to run around a bit more.

Even if we never find peace

and die empty of what we wanted in life, I will never let you go.

Take a petal off my flower. Stand on this hill with me. Our 4-ft tree will be great one day.

The petal looks small in your hand. The flower looks big in mine. There are great places beyond our corner of the world. Yes, I have seen. Yes, I long to return to some.

But this hill is our haven, when it's you and me and whatever else the birds can see. The vultures can have us after this.

Don't be lonely. Don't hide away. I am here after all. My arms can wrap around you.

I am hungry too. I am full of places I could belong in. You are full of places you've wished forever to see but couldn't. The one you lived with kept burning your garden.

Our knees are only good for so long to see it all, beyond this new attempt of a local garden.

Even if it's been just this hill, you have grown many a flower. I simply picked one up.
While tending your garden, did you ever wonder if I would ever come back? 

You know me too well. You probably knew I'd be back.

I am sorry for leaving the first time and the time after that.

The world is sweet. The world is lovely. We are not as small as we believed. I've never held a hand as strong, as tough, sturdy, and lovely as yours.

I would never let you go.

Sunday, October 26, 2025

Remembered Me

After months of struggling to call each other, we finally did. It took a while, it did. A lot of things happened. There was upset. I remembered that 2 am, too much coffee too late in the day, wide awake with not one out of a million ways to describe the distance in my heart. Or why I was tending to that distance, like stoking a fire. 

I convinced myself if it can happen once, it can happen again. It wouldn't matter. All the doors can slam shut at the same time and I'll be just fine. I've always been just fine with things ending.

This time was different.

When I finally let up and opened one of the doors a smidge to your undying knocking, you were there with teary eyes. Maybe it was the undying knocking. It must be. Or the way you spoke to me. I thought I had quit you, but you weren't quitting on me, even though it had seemed like you had. On multiple accounts, I had left confused and my heart poked, the same reasons.

So when I finally let up and opened up a smidge, I heard you say that,

you saw me in every Subaru, every green car, the one that picked you up from Charleston, WV, and dropped you back,

in gas stations and the car charging wires they sell for $15,

you saw us on the subway, giggling hard after our own comments, the ones that made other strangers who must've overheard smile a smidge,

in the attention to the timbre of others' voices when I said that conductor's voice was fucking hot and definitely in Charlie XCX's "party 4 u", because it was our anthem in your little white car,

the way someone would laugh with their head thrown back and the abundance of cheek and littling of eyes,

in the mention of Lasik or Ohio or Texas or marriage or pregnancy, 

in someone nerding out to League,

the slight mention of a boyfriend or two, in Taylor Swift's concert, a joke about Matty Healy's rat boyfriend vibe, Taylor's new album drop,

in public policy or my Mom's Facebook page for some of my pictures >-< or my blog and its earliest episodes,

"like a boyfriend" you said. "Like a boyfriend", I said,

you remembered me when you connected your Spotify to your Discord on purpose in case I'm online and can see what song you're listening to and I felt so silly and laughed into our Discord call, head back,

and you remembered me when you're back at Smith on your site visits, our Paradise Pond and the proof that they cut down the tree with the beloved swing, the way you'd leave your sneakers at my door years ago when you successfully snuck into my triple on the topmost floor of Haven house like a ghost and stayed the night in my sleeping bag or my bed after cheerleading practice, the same spot where you won the lottery and got us Taylor tickets,

the way I'd wave at you goodbye and adieu as your little self shrunk out into a night lightly snowing like a painting I saw for one last time and didn't know it, stolen from the Louvre,

when there's a club and people are dancing in it and we both remember when,

we were best friends.

I remember you too

in a peach High Noon, in Taylor's "Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince" in its specific line "it's you and me, that's my whole world" to which we both cried like babies at the bar,

I remember you in plastic bags, when after my ex had called it quits and like a treasure, you visited me on Thanksgiving, and you saw all my plastic bags, my depression plastic bags, and you helped me roll each and every one and now I just have to roll them, every time,

I remember you in "party 4 u" because duh,

little white cars and whenever I see the "Premium" gas option,

when I'm in my civil engineering job and well, you're a civil engineer and you'd totally get drainage,

when it's Wednesday and it's our day, it's been that way for 2 years until it wasn't,

and well today is one of those days. A non-Wednesday. A Sunday. And we just finished playing League together and I feel hopeful again.

People come and people leave and people end things. And sometimes I end things. 

But this time, someone actually fought for me, even when I was slumping, even when I was lagging and wasn't there. There was no ego you upheld. No contract on your end. You did the rare thing.

No one's ever fought for me and for us like you did. I'm so used to people leaving and never coming back. I'm so used to never looking back too.

But this time was different. It simply was.

Sunday, October 5, 2025

so it's september again

9/28/2025

playlist I wrote this to. and fuck it's AI generated. most likely. T__T

like a kid, the early morning 7 am air makes me feel like I must soon be on my way to school. There's that kiss of humidity in the air. Houston isn't remarkable but our mornings feel like a hug. Whereas Marietta was a swoosh through the legs, early morning cool winds and all my pores closing up, Houston is a hug from above and from behind. A warm, wet thing.

Jesus where am I going with this.

I'm a Virgo. It's my time of the year or even, my time of the month. T__T. Whichever it is, I am here.

I am 25.

The crazy thing is even if I wanted to, it didn't stop me from squirming in slight distress as I handed over my Discover credit card to pay for lunch between my new boss and I today. I really did want to pay for us. I admire him so much. Our first lunch with him as my boss. 

In a crazy middle-of-my-life kind of way, in a miraculous feat of undeterminable fate, in a quiet shout heard from across the yard, when I least expected it, when I hadn't the energy left in me to even plan after myself, when I was ready to fight for scraps, my head turned to the sound of a grungy voice. Someone who just lost their voice, who sounded tired but kind.

He's not at all how I imagined the second boss in my life to be like. A voice I can barely hear at times with the most thoughtful gestures. An extra plate of cheese and crackers for me every time. I barely hear him but he's there, a little old man.

But he's exactly how I needed my second boss to be like.

Kind. Safe. Gentle. Never angry. Perhaps too kind for his own good. Kind but never, ever blind. Never ever. He sees life as gray. "Straddling close to good, best I can."

I think about all the kinds of intelligences, and he has all of them. A little Chick-Fil-A ice cream in both our hands after each site visit. He is the SWEETEST SAFEST LITTLE MAN.

YOU CAN BRING YOUR CHILDREN HERE. BRING ALL OF EM.

I'm 25. I reconnected with my old nail salon customers. Grandma Karen!! The famous lady who sent me flowers when I was in Ohio. <3 She's got the biggest, bestest surprise for my mother's birthday. I can't wait to luncheon with her. <3 MY WHITE GRANDMA IRL?! donde estas?! Donde hoy. I think.

Her laugh on the phone meant so much to me. This instant familiarity. Another way that Houston hugs me.

The other way that Houston hugs me is in one of my favorite coffee shops. Seven Leaves on Bellaire, and my favorite drink there oh my god, the Sea Cream Jasmine. FUCK. I curse more.

Your Ohio girl became an Irish sailor.

Or maybe Ohio never left. Maybe it's the Ohio in me. But that coffee shop and studying across from Kim is just healing. Any coffee shop can be the Neilson library if I just let myself smile in it. Let myself derail from reviewing Construction Job Costing and look up Alaskan cruises, in time for the whales, the aurora borealis, when I turn 26 next year. Just in time then.

It's getting windier and I haven't really moved much. I know, technically, yes I have. Actually, I move all the time. At work, with family, with doggie, I'm always on my feet. There's always something to do. If I'm not cooking, I'm cleaning. Or washing dishes. Or mowing, washing dishes again, they always pile up. Or cooking something else that my father can actually eat. Or driving him out to the cheap gas station, where even before he speaks his broken English, the nice ladies know what he's looking for. Or spending half my Sundays chaffeuring him everywhere, gas in the tank. Or calling a friend while doing some of it, so I'm not alone.

Sometimes, I can feel so small and lost in the daily little things. My life has just begun here in Houston haha. Maybe the big difference now is that my time isn't my own anymore. I could afford that luxury to my heart's content in Ohio. Of course, I miss that. 

In Houston, I barely catch my breath. I'm just glad I have great friends in town who feel like a hug, when I see them. When I can afford to. 

My sweet friends from Ohio check in on me. Austin, Jana, Elizabeth, even Gina  Houser haha. They are so, so sweet, and appreciate that there are things I do have now. I won't take for granted family ever again. It's been almost 2 months back home, and it's been wholesome. But...it's not sustainable to be in this mindset that I can continue to please everyone, every second of the day. 

To please my Mom best I can, even as her sum of worries infects me. I do my best to cheer her on. She's so kind and there are things she doesn't know and none of it is her fault. I just, can only sit there and take so much of a monologue of bad news for an hour. Before I hear it as my own voice after.

I can only drive my father around so much. If he could have it, he'd happily absorb every minute and every dollar out of my pocket to take him to the far West edges of Houston and buy him all the spontaneous things he could get. Any refusal to any small trip, he holds onto like a grudge, even as he looks solidly back at my exhausted face. Taking no account of. 

My boss is very kind. He told me kindly as I expressed how quickly I'm trying to catch up about the construction business. He quickly responded, "This isn't a race. This is a marathon. Take your time. You will learn in time. Everything will be okay."

I smiled back at him across our table at Schlotzky's. Which I love. One of my new favorite restaurants. THEIR DRINK OPTIONS ARE LIMITNESS, I FEEL LIKE ROYALTY AFRONT THEIR DRINK MACHINE. THERE'S EVEN BLUEBERRY DR. PEPPER?!?!!? IDKKKK

Being back in Houston, has felt like a sprint every day. I barely catch my breath at the end of it. I think of myself last. I can barely breathe. There are so many fires, every second of the day. There are so many hurricanes we are trying to prepare for, and the last thing I can even think of is myself. I am just reactive. I'm just trying to clear up the sink. 

I'm just trying to calm my mother's panic on the phone. I'm just trying to cajole my father that I can only take him to Walmart and the gas station, and can't bring him to any other places beyond that. I'm just trying to tidy up my room because I've forgotten to. I get home, and I barely have the energy to cook or exercise. My shoulders. My neck, my eyes. They're all sore. I'm just trying to make sure everyone has what they want. I just want you to have what you want. I spend so much of my time there, I forget what I want. And when I remember a sliver of what I had even wanted originally, it leaves me again. Are my dreams so fragile? Such fair-weather friends, these dreams of mine?

My face has this constant optimistic look on it all the time, because that's all I can be. The hurricanes will come, and I can barely clear out the tiny wildfires. My poor mum, when I was away and light about life in Ohio. 

Of course you lose your color in times like these. Or your hair, haha. Or my hair.

I like to do this thing at night, when I feel so small and the world is so quiet at 3 AM. I hug myself gently and whisper in my head, my own voice as if it were someone else's, "you are doing your very best. you are a very good bean."

That's all I'm trying to be lately. Trying to be a very good bean.

No one comforts you at the end of a difficult day. No one will recognize your efforts. I used to wait around for that. I used to want to be comforted by any voice at the end of the day. I used to want so badly, a pat on the back for a good job, an acknowledgement from someone I had probably already put on a pedestal, a supervisor, a boss haha. That would light me the heck up.

Now... well, lately, I just want to turn off my little bed lamp, wear a cute pajama set, and feel this absolute feeling, a light beam warm on the top of my head kind of feeling. I play my day back like a movie sometimes, with mistakes and the "OH, NGOC!"s and all, I admit in the dark: "you're all you have. and you made it. good job, little bean."

So today, like any day, like every day, is one of those days. These will be my forever days. This is what it means to be a Ngoc. Ngoc, the eldest daughter bean.

I hope I don't only live a day out to where it feels like I just have to make it to the end of it, in time to catch the purple in a sunset. I hope I don't run every second of each one either. I hope I live in a way that I have stamina for the many years to come, enough stamina for the great grandkids to have too. 

I don't want life to feel like a race or a marathon. 

I just want it to be a cruise, on the ocean, where dolphins join along, whales are seen blowing bubbles at night, every night, albatross land on and off the tip of my head, and the aurora borealis is just so near. Perhaps it's damn well above my head right now, kind of feeling. Lol. Bless.

You. Lots. rawr rawr

Sunday, September 14, 2025

Episode 105: I don't want to waste breath

Warning: Hard read. Violence. Bad thoughts.

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I didn't foresee running out of the house today. On the most peaceful, unsuspecting Sunday. But maybe I should have known. That's how things are here. I knew this when I came back. Sundays are when the worst things happen. But hey, I'll be back shortly, in a week or two. Things cool off. Back when things cooled off, and I didn't have a car, it was harder then.

This time, I can run whenever I want. And I know exactly where to this time.

All I know is I do my best. I always do my best. I will tell it like it is. I'll leave the worst details out. This blog was never intended to be a sad brain dump, and never will be. 

So for all purposes, I will stick to the facts best I can. Heck, I've even got cute Korean music in the background.

Dad likes to be driven out to Asiantown on Sunday mornings for the weekly South Vietnamese veterans flag-raising ceremony. He meets old friends. His name is mentioned on the microphone. He grins bigger. He sits with a cigarette and a makeshift walking cane, when I pushed him to use my rainbow umbrella as a cane for now. He always forgets his cane, and by extension, I do too. :(

For the full 2 hours, I find shade to sit in. I call a friend or two. I start processing a couple post cards. I buy tasty Viet snacks to bring home. I help the others set up the flags. I chat with people on the edges of the events. A friend of my dad's recognizes me, and implores me to take 2 of his homegrown squashes, out of his plastic bag. Another man knows I'm Loc's daughter.

Loc, the same guy who has several police reports under his name for starting fights in the past few years. 

In a dream 3 months ago, my grandmother directly communicated with my mother, "He is a car without brakes." And like a wisp, she left. I can imagine she feels like a warm person. I hope my grandmother is a warm person, because most of her children suck. Egotistical. Comparative. Bad gossips. Old randown shows. Anyways. T__T

The same words, "a car without brakes", I would repeat to myself so I don't react in any way. I could just keep things at teeth level. Not a facial expression. Just teeth grinding together inside. I must have done this enough times that 2 dentists recommended a night guard. I remind myself these very words whenever he shows me the first signs of resentment. Whenever he stirs my stomach with cruel words. About anyone I know. About myself. That's where it lightly starts, before he claims I must hate him for not taking him to the highly popular dimsum place after the 2-hour flag raising ceremony, and when he does this while I'm driving us at 65 mph on 59-S, he self-escalates.

A fist to the window. A struggle with the door to jump out. Or three words, "Drop me off."

It's funny because, once, I so desperately wanted to be torn open by the highway. I forget why now, but I was factually 15. In the passenger's seat. I wanted to rip open his truck door, roll out in one motion, and be so scraped up by the concrete, so scraped up that people can see the uneven open, meaty gashes. There wouldn't even be skin left. I wanted to look like a nightmare. Be living proof that he can't look away from, how cruel he is. Scars that prove it.

But I know deep down, he'd just scoff. And make some hearty response at my torn up body, how fucking stupid I am.

If I hadn't gone to Smith and met wonderful, sweet people. If I hadn't gone to DeBakey HS and met sweet folks there too. If I hadn't been so loved in Ohio, or wherever else -- I'm sure I wouldn't be as stable as I did today.

I really was there today, waiting for my Dad patiently. Conversing. Being a part of. I never rushed him, unlike the way he used to. I never rushed him today.

When he was ready, I was ready. I bought him banh tet with the pork filling. I bought myself a banh bao. "Let's eat dim sum," he said.

"Let's." 

"That place we went to last time."

"No, that place is too crowded. I know a better place with less people. A crowd gives me a headache."

"Okay," he agreed.

So we get there in the parking lot. He gives it one glance. "I don't like this view. You're bringing me to a Chinese place. I'm not eating here."

"But it's really good. And we've been here before."

"I don't want it. You can go in but I'll stay in the car." Things were calm.

"Then we're leaving," I say in disbelief. Pulling out of the plaza and driving straight home. I had a long morning so I took a nap.

I woke up to my Mum storming my room in tears.

"He's threatening to burn the house down. I've been trying to cook but I've been shaking, Ngoc. He said he's poured a tank of gasoline in the garage. He's going to burn this house down. Did you not take him out to lunch today, Ngoc??"

What the heck.

My mother was panicking, and angry and sad and shivering. God, a ghost would make her shake that way, but he makes her shake harder. And fucking hell. All of this started from him not wanting to eat at a place that didn't fit him. I truly couldn't deal with that stupid dim sum place he wanted, with the 30 minute wait. I'd already done lots in the heat that morning. God, I was so tired. We had driven home peacefully. Nothing happened in the car. 

"What kind of daughter doesn't take her father out to eat?" he would last ask me.

"What kind of daughter spends all of her Sunday morning and noon to take her father out?" I retorted.

It really all started when he didn't get his way, on one thing. On one tiny stupid thing, related to his fucking cravings. Related to his mouth. 

Everything starts at his mouth. Or maybe his sick brain. Bad thoughts make bad actions. Good thoughts make good actions, I learned, at my last Wednesday meditation.

That's the thing with my Dad. 

You can pour every good thing into him, go out of your way all FUCKING DAY FOR HIM. 

All fucking day. You can run yourself ragged doing every good thing for him, doing nothing for yourself. Maybe he finds you resting for 5 minutes on your butt and he'd find something else you can do for him. It's never fucking enough. It's never fucking ever, ever enough. Every second of your life is his. 

And if you do one thing, or say one thing, or not do one thing, or not say one thing that he wanted, he'll cling onto that one thing like a broken clock. 2:09 PM every second of the day.

Everything he wants he gets, or it's a living hell for everyone else. The threat of losing our lives. All the time.

My mother is shaking from the threat of the gasoline tank somewhere she can't see. "Maybe he's really poured already. I got to find it." I stop her. 

She was shaking and I held her close. I patted her hair and that's all I saw, this small little lady who's tried to balance everything. Every living threat still a wound on her body, all from one man. 

"We have to leave, right now," I tell her. "He can burn this house down if he wants to. If he wants a divorce, let's."

I can't believe we're still here, afraid of losing our lives, afraid of losing our house, our cars, important personal documents in a fire. That he made, because I didn't please him with my dim sum place choice.

Fuck, it's a famous dim sum place. It just happens to not be crowded. What the actual fuck.

"A car without brakes."

A fire doesn't have brakes either.

I used to see red whenever he took things this far. I remember throwing lots of things at the ground behind him, but never at him. 

I remember being so angry at how easily he treats us, like food in the fridge that could spoil at any time. Ready to be tossed out. Our lives are there to please him.

To feed him. To take him out to wherever he wants. He never asks how we are. Truly, a second of a break is a second he could have. A meal that we made, he would leave nothing left for anyone else. It's all his. If he sees it, he's not sharing. 

You can pour every good intention to being a part of his life, but it's all absorbed, like a bank after I'm dead.

It is a meaningless life, I feel, loving a black hole like him. Any step out of line, and his tail wraps around me, biting at every slight thing he remembers I did today or years ago. 

But I can't run away from how I feel. Of course, I love him. 

But my poor mother. He is a blackhole she can't escape.

"Grandma wasn't around to teach you anything. You didn't have a father, Mom, and yet, still, you're so patient, so kind, so sweet, so true to someone who doesn't deserve it. No one raised you Mom, you raised yourself and god, you are so beautiful. You are such a gem. You are such a gem. I want to protect you. Let's please leave. Let's leave and let's go somewhere we can sleep without fear. Please. Mom."

And so we do. 

And I'm driving. I'm running away.

It's not like the time I ran away when I was 12 and I disappeared at a park. My mother drove over, crying when she found me on a swing. 

We ran away back in July again, when he threatened to kill himself in front of my sister and I with his shotgun, because I didn't have the fucking energy left to drive him out to Asiantown, when he wanted to go. He really did bring out his shotgun. We pulled out of the driveway just in time.

Yen ran away again, on her own, when he forgot to turn off the fire in our house and we must have all had carbon monoxide poisoning. Because dang, my brain and heart felt so weird then. 

There are so many wounds in my family, you know? So many wounds on my sweet, poor mother. So many wounds on Yen. Poor fucking Yen, who has panic attacks whenever there's a raised voice. She was born in the sweetest way, so giving and loving and believing and for someone to take all of that from her. 

I can never forgive you for doing that to her. 

I can never forgive you for threatening our lives, all of our life, for the slightest thing. 

I can never forgive you for hurting Mum over and over again in all the ways you can cut a woman down to a smaller part than before. You fucking did that to her.

I can never forgive you for all the gashes I have but can't see on myself, until I'm in some sweet man's arms and can't believe it when he tells me he cares about me or if his mood changes even slightly, I almost believe it's all my fault. I almost believe it. I live on a precipice, a cliff along the angry ocean all the time, with my friendships. I fear I'll lose anyone at any second if I say or do something wrong. 

I'm afraid of being the reason I lose everything in a second. But we all know that's a lie now.

I can't lose something that didn't want to be there in the first place.

So that's how I've held everything. That's how I've seen the world.

So I've ran away tonight. In my own car. I'll be back. 

I know I'll be back. Give it a week. I'll be back, taking out his trash, digging out all the wrong things he put into the recycling bin into the right trash bin. I'll be back to mow his lawn.

In a week, I could talk to him again. Pretend like he didn't just want to kill us all again. 

So that's what I'm coming back to. I do have a night guard now. That helps. 

I'm just a really little bean tonight and Monday is tomorrow and I have to go to work and pretend nothing like this happened. It's just us and everything else. Tonight, I truly feel so small you can't possibly cut me down further.

How can I let myself feel this way? When none of it is my fault? How can I, with 25 years of this exact experience, still cry over this? It's not like it hasn't happened before. It's not like it won't happen again.

It'll happen again. And I'll be fine again after. 

I'm afraid, I really am, of losing everything I have in a fire. I don't want to die in a fire either caused by a mad man.

My mom doesn't deserve it. Welp.

So we ran tonight, and when he saw my packed suitcase, he realized too late how much I meant that, "I really see you for what you are, Dad. A pit of trying to fulfill his every need, his every happiness, his every craving. You are the main character in your story and until you're happy and satiated, no one else can take care of anything else but you first. You must have everything you want or you'd threaten to burn our house down. Well then, you'll certainly live a very long life doing that, focused on filling every craving you have. Fill up that mouth. I can't believe you're your Dad's son and your Mom's son, because you have not an ounce of any kindness and thoughtfulness and selflessness that you claimed they must have had."

I didn't tell him I was leaving. I just left. I don't want to waste breath.

Friday, August 29, 2025

Episode 104: Dramathic

100 years are vanishing like snakes. 

    I place my hand on the cool car glass and then, I'm there, to the time when time didn't vanish.

100 years are vibrating through a hot coil. A circular shape heating the universe or someone's car.

    But it is a mere 100 years. I won't even make it to know what's beyond

    a pond or a lake. 

100 years and my name will be deleted from all financial institutions. The banks will swallow my debts.

    "What's left over, is absorbed?" I asked the teller. He nods, "Yes, any amount over what you paid today will go to your next bill." 

    I look down at the ground. "I see."

    I'm being dramatic haha. I'm being dramaticccccc.

    Dramathicc.

    I'm turning 25 soon and I'M BEING DRAMATHICCC HELPPP.

    I feel it you know? Time slipping?!

    It's just 25, boo hoo, but dang what the heck. Where has the time gone ever since, well, ever since?!

    EVER?!

    I'm not panicking, I'm simply feeling it all run like sand. Some ice engineer, idk what that is, told me ice is the best insulator. Well fuck that, because I feel like I'm just CONDUCTING. Heat, all the damn time.

    Heat, the moment I got home. The moment I saw that evening skyline, my heart leaped. And I've been running. I've been running my Subaru ragged, all across Houston every day, at the whim of family and needs ever since I got back from Ohio. My poor Bean. That's her racially insensitive name because she's green and kinda a smaller SUV, so Bean felt right. I'm not right too often, so I take pride in this. And also, my favorite word, haha.

Anyways, I got what I wanted, coming home right when I caught momentum. I got my family back. Now, my Sundays aren't filled with a long silence between making the bed and making a quiet breakfast. Now, my Sundays, heck all my mornings, have a thud at my door, from my dog's snout hitting it hard to open it. And once Lucky makes it through, he goes for my toes, nibbles, and licks, and paws on the bed. I don't have a choice and in mere seconds, I am out of bed. I start my day sooo quick. Not checking my phone. Just dog. Oh, Lucky. And honestly, look at me still being scared of being in my own head too long, haha. >-<

    Ohio seems like a story that happened to somebody else. Which is the silliest damn thing. Isn't it? Am I a newborn with no sense of object permanence? Just because I'm not in Ohio doesn't mean Ohio doesn't exist. T__T But ohhhh, does Ohio exist. Ohio is fucking real. 

    It was all, so so so real. 

    Don't deny it, Ngoc.

    It's Sunday night, in my childhood room again. Yes. I'm going to re-decorate this. And YES, of course, I'm going to add in my signature Christmas lights. And yes, I'll make sure all my dresses are color-coded.

    25. What does that even mean?! What did 24 even mean!?

    I want to take bigger risks this time around. I want to find my people. I want to make tons of new friends in Houston this time around. Slowburn, so be it. I did it at Smith. I did it in Ohio. I can do it again. I want to find my Sangha in Houston. The first time around, when I borrowed my family's car and snooped around like a little biatch -- THAT is a story that happened to somebody else, because poor me, poor thing, was a very tiny miss bean. Now, I'm a bigger miss bean. 

    BIGGER. BIG. LARGE. YES.

    When Bean merged from I-10 to I-45 and hopped right into the city, that skyline, at the tail end of my road trip. Oh my god. That skyline. Is kinda crazy. That was when I knew, like a crossbow to my heart. A cupid KO shot. Dang it. Fuck. Houston is real. Houston is so, so real.

    This was the city I left for other dreams. This was the city I left, to do what I thought I could never do.

    This was the city I left, like a test I had to pass. No one told me to pass anything. Perhaps, in your eyes, I was a mad woman too stubborn to turn around. 70 mph on the highway. 80 mph in my heart, until I could figure out the next thing.

    I once cried in someone's car, feeling the weight of it all. The weight of a yes, that I stubbornly made happen. Stubborn like the dragon I was born as. Stubborn and silly and stupid and crazy and wrong. It was hard to explain and be vulnerable then and confess under the weight of a Houston night, "There's no other choice I have! There's no other choice! It doesn't make sense, that it's me, or you, or anyone, but there's no choice."

    Does that make it right? Looking back? Was Ohio right, in the end?

    There was never even a hurricane to ruin my life here, yet I left stubbornly. Only to come to Ohio and be afraid to open all personal mail. :I

    Even I can't believe it, but I drove the full 20 hours back home. I did! My little sister was my cold noodle passenger princess. Every stop from Ohio to Texas was for Korean food, the search for the best cold noodle. LMAO. LMAOOO. I know. T__T

    And you know what? The best cold noodle was in Columbus, Ohio. Of all the places. It was in Ohio.

    I joked last time that all roads lead to Ohio. I think I was onto something then.

    But fuck.

    25. How darling. What a darling number.

    I will look back one day and admit that I wish I was 25 and awkward and wrong all the dang time again (gosh, I'm always wrong, about everything), and spontaneous and always perking up when I heard the word "pistachio"-flavored anything and so so so wrong, again and again. Today, as I turn 25, the actual 25, I am bleeding glitter, like Taylor Swift's "Anti-Hero" MV. Exactly that.

    That effin' MV is how I actually feel, about all of this.

    And gosh, they're getting married!!!!!! TAYVIS IS REAL. End game with a man whose hand envelopes the entire wine glass and who actually is in awe of her and all the big words she uses. How fucking perfect. <3 GOSH. I just want her to be happy already. Can't we all be happy already?

    My life has spun into an unexpected pre-ending this August 2025.

    I'll have not one, but two jobs. Happening at the same time.

    I know. I am doing the crazy shit.

    And I'll attend Wednesday meditations like a little miss bean. I'll volunteer my time. I'll take care of Lucky and Dad and Mum. I'll call my friends. I'll write them letters and stamp them with my manatee stamps. I'll get my bad ankle to be a good ankle. I'll play soccer again. I'll do it all. I'll find time to even, like Claudia, who inspires me every single fucking day to be better, do better, my gosh she is such a beautiful creature inside and out, MY GOSH! That's MY FRIEND! MY FUCKING FRIEND OMG!!!!  I'll find time to even re-decorate and re-garden my beautiful little home. The very home I keep leaving, again and again. For college. For study abroad. For internships. For Ohio. 

    Hello home. 

    As I turn 25, maybe that's all that it is. I'm greeting my home peacefully. No one can take this third job from me.

    I promise to take care of the home I have. I promise to protect the home I have. And all the people and beautiful creatures that live in it, except for the rats and roaches. :I And of course, I promise to take good care of myself. 

    I promise to find people who uplift and inspire me. Who rejuvenate my energy, my spirit, my heart, and my ideas. I promise to never forget my dreams and what they mean. I promise to never forget how it feels to even work tangentially to policymaking. I promise to never forget how it feels to say the word, "Love."

    I love Love. I'll always love, Love. I love Love. So much.

    May I glance into every mirror and whisper and believe it at the same time that "wow, I am beautiful indeed."

    I'm going to escape into bed soon and read the dystopian, sad-ass Handmaid's Tale. 

    25, and wrong about everything.

    25 and dramathic.

Wednesday, August 20, 2025

August rawr rawr - goodbye Ohio

My goodbye ode to Ohio. :)

This is a voice memo from August 8th, with just 2 days left to pack and return to Houston, and the biggest scatter of things in my kitchen still. These were my final thoughts, then, as I strolled along my empty apartment and leaned long against that double sink, staring at my vine plant. My mind touched on everything that I ever cared about in Marietta.

In voice form. Ah. Click Here.

Such a long goodbye. Such a warm stay. A sweetness lingers still, today.

There are shapes that haunt me still and people I miss dearly, and there will always be a version of me that risks it all, all over again, just to prove myself right forever, for the second time.

That I can, and I will.