made it

1.7.25.

I wrote my sister, my friends, my daily update:

"I made it home, made dinner, made myself shower. How did your day go?!"

I made myself do a lot of things today. 

But the most important thing I ought to do tomorrow is... I am buying myself a shovel. A freaking shovel. 

I can't attempt that idiotic, ill-prepared plan, which was, I'll dig my car out of the snow with my house broom.

What a freaking idiot.

The only reason I made it to work today was because a neighbor of mine was taking an early morning walk in 20 degree weather? 

I asked if I could borrow his shovel... and he said yes, after glancing at my Texas license plate. I felt instant relief.

I was more grateful than relieved when he started shoveling the snow around my car himself. And I almost wanted to cry.

God, I'm such an idiot. And gosh, I'm so alone.

I'm so silly that I shouldn't be worth saving.

I've never felt more fragile than being snowed in, unable to drive the 5 minutes to work, and using a house broom to brush off 1.5 feet of snow all around.

I just want to not have to look after myself every second hahaha, but isn't that the point? Of being 24?

I'm in danger all the time. Breathing alone all the time. Cold, all the time.

I just want to rest my head somewhere soft and warm. I just want to forget this winter ever existed.

I hate the way the constant gray, the sunless sky, reflects my heart.

How empty I feel as I'm locked in. The snow locks me in with myself, my ideas, my books, my games and phone.

I just want a hug so bad. I'm just like my new puppy haha. The kind that bites when people start to leave, because I don't want to be alone right now. I just want to rest somewhere warm with a hand on my head, as I sleep this winter off. 

I want to wake up and it's never snowing again. That it's just cherry blossoms. That I see a bunch of tiny white flowers in a grass field. A bunch. And for someone across the parking lot to yell at me, "WE ARE GOING TO COLUMBUS THIS WEEKEND!" because I so badly want to dance, when this is over.

I so badly want to take long drives without fearing a possible skid.

I want spring love songs to be relevant.

My Mom no longer reminding me to wear my scarf, but to paint my toes and parade them in my Vietnamese sandals.

I want that moment, hard.