There are some people who are meant to be in your life for a moment, a season, or seasons.
Forever isn't ever guaranteed.
I was convinced forever worked.
Especially in my friendships.
I was convinced that she would be my ride or die. A girl who slowly opened up to me, but when she did, she was art. I loved her mind. I deeply enjoyed our conversations, wherever they went. We both danced with flowers, one of the last to be on the dance floor, on our prom night. She was my date.
I was convinced what we had could never end. We were too similar in many regards. And wherever we were different, it was something to peacefully notice and accept.
She gets me when I needed to be gotten. And my listening ear was a space for her to vent and explore what went on in that mind of hers.
It's been years and since covid started, our friendship became harder to maintain.
At one point, we would call often. Or often enough to feel a semblance of connection.
She keeps to herself during this pandemic and hates calling. But I love calling.
It's not that I've lost her.
I've lost the expectation for her to be here. With me forever.
Tonight, our plans to meet failed through yet...again. I desperately wanted to make them happen.
And she didn't for reasons beyond my control. For reasons unrelated to me.
But it's disappointing. Frustrating. I'm not her, so I'll can't imagine what she's going through.
I miss her from time to time. It's nostalgia. Naggy and haunting. And wanting to say hi.
"How easy it was to be 'us'..."
I was happy with our friendship.
And whenever we caught up, it's as if no time has passed at all.
Keshi's "drunk" is playing in the background again. And how fitting, because our ship, it feels drunk.
Like there's not a straight line from where we are to where we're going.
She and I are pausing what we have until we can actually meet again. I hope she's in a better place.
I hope I will be too. And I hope we won't harbor bitterness to each other and if anything, I'm rooting for her.
Even if it's from afar until we meet again.
I hope our ship isn't drunken enough to sink. Just.. drunk. Swerving and unclear. That's... that's okay. :)
It's one of those nights where I wish I had someone by my side.
Haha, I say it like I have no one.
But I do.
She's just fast asleep two rooms away from mine. I'm waking up with her 6:30 am alarm to cook her some corndogs. That's who I do have.
Yen. I can count on her forever and forever. That's my babe.
And hey.
Maybe it's not forever that I want.
Maybe it's that feverish feeling I get whenever I'm convinced in forever that matters.
Because right now, I know I might not have forever with some of the people I have in my life. The fact that forever ever crossed my mind when it did-- that makes the hurt of possibly losing them one day all worth it.
Call me naive.
I'm luckily young enough to screw this part up.
When it gets old, when I get old-- at least I'll have been screwed.
With enough times to reconsider
not counting on all my ships surviving to shore.
Wishful and yours,
Ngoc
P.S. It was poor of me to... uh, screw around with screw jokes. :I sorry. And do you have a drunken ship? or two?
My metaphors get lost at one point. Forgive my poor taste.
I fucking love ships and whales.
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