Episode 71: our drunken ship

In the past few years, I've learned what is absolutely true, the hard way. Each time after the next, it gets easier to accept. 

There are some people who are meant to be in your life for a moment, a season, or seasons. 

Forever isn't ever guaranteed.

I was convinced forever worked.

Especially in my friendships.

I was convinced that she would be my ride or die. A girl who slowly opened up to me, but when she did, she was art. I loved her mind. I deeply enjoyed our conversations, wherever they went. We both danced with flowers, one of the last to be on the dance floor, on our prom night. She was my date.

I was convinced what we had could never end. We were too similar in many regards. And wherever we were different, it was something to peacefully notice and accept.

She gets me when I needed to be gotten. And my listening ear was a space for her to vent and explore what went on in that mind of hers. 

It's been years and since covid started, our friendship became harder to maintain. 

At one point, we would call often. Or often enough to feel a semblance of connection. 

She keeps to herself during this pandemic and hates calling. But I love calling. 

It's not that I've lost her. 

I've lost the expectation for her to be here. With me forever.

Tonight, our plans to meet failed through yet...again. I desperately wanted to make them happen.

And she didn't for reasons beyond my control. For reasons unrelated to me. 

But it's disappointing. Frustrating. I'm not her, so I'll can't imagine what she's going through. 

I miss her from time to time. It's nostalgia. Naggy and haunting. And wanting to say hi.

"How easy it was to be 'us'..."

I was happy with our friendship. 

And whenever we caught up, it's as if no time has passed at all.

Keshi's "drunk" is playing in the background again. And how fitting, because our ship, it feels drunk.

Like there's not a straight line from where we are to where we're going. 

She and I are pausing what we have until we can actually meet again. I hope she's in a better place. 

I hope I will be too. And I hope we won't harbor bitterness to each other and if anything, I'm rooting for her. 

Even if it's from afar until we meet again.

I hope our ship isn't drunken enough to sink. Just.. drunk. Swerving and unclear. That's... that's okay. :)

It's one of those nights where I wish I had someone by my side. 

Haha, I say it like I have no one. 

But I do. 

She's just fast asleep two rooms away from mine. I'm waking up with her 6:30 am alarm to cook her some corndogs. That's who I do have.

Yen. I can count on her forever and forever. That's my babe. 

And hey.

Maybe it's not forever that I want.

Maybe it's that feverish feeling I get whenever I'm convinced in forever that matters.

Because right now, I know I might not have forever with some of the people I have in my life. The fact that forever ever crossed my mind when it did-- that makes the hurt of possibly losing them one day all worth it. 

Call me naive.

I'm luckily young enough to screw this part up.

When it gets old, when I get old-- at least I'll have been screwed.

With enough times to reconsider

not counting on all my ships surviving to shore.

Wishful and yours,

Ngoc

P.S. It was poor of me to... uh, screw around with screw jokes. :I sorry. And do you have a drunken ship? or two? 

My metaphors get lost at one point. Forgive my poor taste.

I fucking love ships and whales.

do i?

do i like you or do i like that you like me?

do i want you or do i want you to want me?

do i like convincing you we could make this last 

while both of us are high off the heat? the adrenaline we both get

from saying things we want the other to believe?

do i want you to fall for me? hard.

am i brave enough to return the favor? 

when this is what i've been wanting

and here you are, exactly and not exactly as i wanted

but good for me

all the same.

"i really like you, Ngoc"

words so simple, so short yet endless

you were nervous, shitless. and rightfully so.

"i might have to wait 6 months for you to feel sure about me too?

that feels like im played with... you know?"

you're right. 

do i want to stick it out? 

am i as sure about you as you are about me?

do i want to stick it out and make myself believe?

wait to see what you see? 

would i be at ease

during our time's entirety?

or do i let you go now,

wistful at how early

or continue what we have, 

all confident that we could be "friends" so innocently?

just wanna drive

Yen sat in the back. Diana sat in the passenger's seat. I held the wheel. 

And they believed in me.

Yes, I have a drivers' license, but geez, it's been a long time since I've driven. 

But we made it. We made it Coral Sword and played boardgames for hours. Phew.

I love driving. I'm scared too, of course. But I love accelerating. I love knowing that I can feel what the middle of the road is now. I remember when I first started and I'd always be a little too much to the left. I love being the one to take my mom home after a long day at the nail salon. She can rest and I'll take over. I love how if I need to brake last minute, I can still make it smooth like velvet.  

But... driving Diana and Yen to Coral Sword was different.

To think, that was the first time I drove without my parents breathing down my back.

Was it because of control? My parents feared I might get pregnant if I can drive? Hahaha. Yo, legit. Or they didn't want me to meet friends or guys? Unconfident if I'd mess up and crash and make our family's insurance plan skyrocket? 

Maybe all three. 

But I just wanna drive. 

I've held onto this license for 1.5 years now and I've driven alone 0 times. ZERO. 

Agh. And when I have, I better make no mistake or I won't get to drive for another few weeks. Left to ponder and never make that mistake again, but how am I supposed to be better at driving if you won't let me drive?? 

"Where are you going? When are you coming back? Who are you meeting? Who are their parents? What will you be doing?"

I could not have a social life at all throughout high school when most events happened in the night. Save for prom and a handful of middle school homecoming dances, I was sheltered.

Stay at home. Go no where.

Risk nothing.

No boys to ruin me. Haha. 

Sigh.

The best decision I ever made in my life and definitely expensive, is going to college out-of-state.

And it was probably the biggest strike of gold in their eyes when it turned out I was going to a traditionally all-women's college.

"Wow. You're so studious Ngoc! You're going to focus on school!"

Maybe instead of celebrating, you should have asked why. Why did I choose Smith?

Maybe, you taught me to fear men.

Or you, Dad. You taught me to hate them. 

Jokes on them. 

I gotta practice my dating muscle somehow. :)

Wow. 

I just wanna drive. I just want to be in control of my life again. I'm tired of reporting...

And I will. In 3 weeks. I'll be off to Smith, happily tripling with my friends. Going out whenever I want. Returning whenever I wish. Access to the gyms YES. No one to report to but myself.

That's what a car represents to me right now. I've been leashed for 20 years and in less than a month, I'll be 21. 

Would turning 21 really mean anything in their eyes? Or would it just mean I'd be something tougher to control? Keep tabs on? 

Having my own place is costly and if I want to build wealth easier, I might need to live here for a while longer. Woah. 

But I get it. 

I thank them. I do. I'm grateful too that they've sheltered me. 

Yesterday, as Yen and I walked to the park, a car slowed down right by us and the guy in the passenger's seat opened his door to stick his head out, looking at me dead in the eye, and after a second or two, he closed the door. The car drove off, only to make a U-Turn again and come back our way.

I felt the hairs on my back raise. Yen and I speed walked and finally made it into the grass of the park, standing near the pool gates.

Seconds before we even made it into the grass and were still in parking lot, the car honked at us for no reason at all. We weren't even in their way. Farrr from it. And they shouted something at us. 

Yen said she heard the word, "GET..." 

But we were to shaken, too speed-walky to hear the rest.

On the walk back home from the park, Yen and I were nervous, shaky the entire time. Any car that drove by made me want to walk quicker. Not that I can outwalk a car haha, but I get it. 

It's not like I haven't. 

I understand why you both protected Yen and I for so long... 

I'm really grateful that it's only up to now that I get it. 

I get rebellious. I feel angry. I feel like I've lost my youth, but also, there were things you made sure I wouldn't come to know until later, when I'm old enough to understand for myself. Old enough to have the wisdom and initiative and capability to protect myself.

Thank you, Mom and Dad.

I know that my childhood wasn't perfect.

But you did your best.

I still just wanna drive.

But I'll always do my best. 

Because up until now, you've forced me to take no risks period. 

Now, I have to force myself to take those risks. Be smart. And you've done a great job protecting Yen and I up until now. Now it's my turn to protect myself. And one day soon, protect you both. 

What I need most though is for you both to believe in me. 

That's it. 

Welped,

Ngoc

P.S. This random episode is everywhere haha. It started as this grievance letter to my parents about how they won't let me drive.

And then as I recalled my most recent experiences, I understand them. 

One day, when I have children of my own, I wonder what kind of parent I would be. I'm young haha. I'm still just 20 but gosh, raising children is so hard!! Kids grow up, compare their lives to others, and have a bit of FOMO because their parents keep tabs on them, and feel anger at time lost. At opportunities lost. It's all in the name of keeping us safe, but there has got to be a sweet spot of surveillance and opportunity.

And yes, child-raising can be VERY gendered. I have guy friends who were way younger and their parents did not keep this many tabs on them, or fear that they'd get pregnant. :I It's what it is and I can still create the life I want. Erase the boldness of the lines surrounding me.

P.P.S. Creepy strangers is definitely not a new thing!! After speaking to a close friend of mine, I realized how often it happens. Living as a woman. Owning a woman's body... a lot of strings are tied to it. 

Rape culture. How at any moment, a man can have the physical advantage. Not to mention, I'm such a people pleaser. How to say no and be confident in it. Be ready for the consequences of saying, "No" in a world that can't take "no" from a woman. Yeah...

Fuck this shit. 

FUCK THIS SHIT. ha. Thank god Yen was there with me. I have no idea what would have happened if... I had walked to the park alone yesterday.

I can't even run that fast yet. Welp. 

yup. 

fuckthisstupidassshitaghhhh

Some men just up front do shit like this. Agh.