(Just Life with Ngoc): Not-An-Episode Episode **

This is one or 16 drafts in my blog. This specific draft has sat in my blog since March 29th, 2018.

Heck. It's a really cute journal entry I gotta say. Sigh. Back when I was cuter haha.

Enjoy this sillier, more anxious-ridden version of me. :)

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March 29th, 2018

Hi buddies!!

It's your girl Ngoc. And right below was an interesting journal I had written about a certain experience I had, almost one year ago. In April. And gosh, I just happened to stumble upon the entry and realized just how much it resonates with me. Today. When it matters. 

"4/17/17

So its 11 pm. It’s late. Naturally. I need to go to sleep really soon and not stall out here like this.

Somehow I type the good ish at night. When it’s late and the juices flow without thought beforehand.

You know. Sometimes I don’t understand people. They’re hot and then they’re cold. And it’s not like I care too much, well, maybe I do because there’s still that lingering embarrassment that comes from stupid conversations in general.

Sometimes, I just don’t get it. Sometimes, people don’t get me, but when it’s me on the receiving end of the “confusing” stick, it sure is pretty awful. At least, time fades all the ish. It does. And homework. And a nice long jog. I can jog now without too much pain or anything. Or maybe I’m jogging too slowly for pain to be felt. Eh. I need. A good. Explanation. Why can’t people tell other people exactly how they feel? Because we fear? Oh… welp, haha, I just answered my answer. 

So, I’m not talking to him because I’m afraid? I’m afraid of hearing the truth? I’m afraid of hearing what truth though? That he doesn’t like me that way. Or that.... he never will. Hm… why does it bug me so much? Is it because... because… I expect something from him again? Dang it. Because… of that one convo he initiated the first time ever. *sigh*

Now as I’m thinking about this. Maybe I’ve been keeping strings between him and myself just because of the fact that I even confessed to him at all. Honestly, I never really liked him or knew him enough to. Yet the moment that I confessed was the moment I added more weight to my tiny little crush. The moment that all of this confusion and these spiraling hopes began. However, had I not done what I did. Had I not put myself out there like an idiot… I may be a bigger idiot in the future. Who knows? This was preparation. It’s 11:11 make a wish. And my wish is… 'Let me be okay after all of this is over. Let me be okay. And smarter. And wiser.'

Haha.

In the future, when I come to love someone. Someone great by the way. I’ll be smarter. Let’s be friends, before anything else, future-Ngoc's friend."

And that wraps up that random journal entry.