(Just Life with Ngoc) : Episode 32 - "Failing Well"

Failure. Is. Tough.

Yet... so unavoidable. So integral in the human experience.

Yes, you've heard that before. I'm sure you have.

But for those who have yet to experience it... failure is just that: tough. Tough to swallow. Tough to get out of. Tough to admit.

About two months ago, my mentor led a group discussion, focusing on just that: failure.

"Why?" she asked. "Why would you not want to talk about failure?"

My friends and I had various answers:

"Admitting to failure is like swallowing your pride," said one.

"I don't... I don't know. It's just that failure has a negative connotation," another said.

"The fact that the failure even happened means I didn't try hard enough."

These are just the few answers I can vaguely remember on the top of my head this time of the evening, haha. But, really.... failure. Failure, hm?

Everyone had their own definition of failure and what failure meant to them. You probably have your own definition too. Whatever it is, I need you to pause here and think about it. Think about what failure means to you and why you probably wouldn't talk about it.

.
.
.

You got it? Yes? Good. Alrighty. We'll come back to that shortly. ^_^

The most impactful pieces of my group conversation that day was... just how can we make failure a positive thing? How can we accept failure for what it is: a learning, growing experience? instead of suppressing it within us and letting it stay there, festering into something bigger than it is?

And hey. I'm not some inexperienced soul here.

I've recently began a club at my high school and despite mass advertising for two entire weeks, I guess my co-founders and I wasn't able to find a way to appeal our new club to the masses well enough... because.. at the interest meeting, only three people showed up, haha. My friends and I had prepared tirelessly, making sure things were together... that day, I felt so internally shaken. I was at a loss of words. My friends too didn't know what to say. We were nowhere close to our goals if we started off as weak as we were. That day had a lot to teach me.

Perhaps, failure doesn't get easier with time, but it does gets easier with experience. The blows grow softer each time.

So continuing the story, my club's first official meeting became a huge success of... 10 people! Yeah!! Haha. However, the second meeting right after was a huge bump in the road. Only three people showed up and I was a one-man show, because one of my friends was facing some emotional turmoil. And. Yeah. It's as awkward as it sounds. All the plans we had made nights before had to be altered on the spot. I was scared. Scared that I've failed. Again. But... this time, the wave of self-doubt didn't hit me as strongly as the first time I faced failure. 

And why is that?

Because that first interest meeting served as a vaccine for the next failure I encountered with my club. And yes... there were definitely more club-related mishaps, but the point is... failure can be an emotional vaccine for future failures. It shocks you less. AND you're prepared to move the heck on.

I've moved on and I've learned. But each time I've "failed," I can only be grateful for the experience I had. I can only accept what happened and move on. I can either submit to the weight of it or leverage my journey onward with what I know now. It's not the end of the world. In fact, it's the beginning each time, because the knowledge I've garnered whenever I've tripped and fallen were all the more crucial down the line of experience. I've become a better person because of it all. ^_^

And what's more? Don't give up despite the vmsdklfvnerivsnr of failure. Please. Don't.

Here's a Rocky quote I think really relates to this episode:

“Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.” — Rocky

hell yeah.

Lastly hey. I know you're reading this and thinking, "Sounds great. Don't give up to? Sure."

Yes. All of that and more. But seriously, do me a favor and the next time you encounter this ish yourself, I need you to write about it. Open a Word Doc on your laptop or spill pen on paper and really break what you're feeling down. Not every aspect of what you did leading up to your mishap was necessarily a negative thing. Break it down into bits and soak in what you feel.

Because I hope that when it comes, when failure hits you, that you'll have an honest conversation with yourself. And that no matter what, you'll appreciate yourself and how far you've come; there's so much more road left to run. 

Don't give up. Champion the heck out of it all, and get up.

Be brave for me. I believe in you. :)

Your Girl Who Failed Quite a Bit, haha,
Ngoc

P.s. For the record, the second meeting was still a success. At least to me! Despite a showing of 3, my members were so incredibly loyal and we came up with the most radical and amazing ideas about how to change the world.!~ 

P.p.s. New Year is around the corner and as always, I am deeply grateful for the memories I've made this semester so far. The people who've stayed and taken care of me. The people who, despite their hectic schedules, still say, "Yes, Ngoc. I got you." It's people like you that keep me motivated to be optimistic, hopeful, and brave. And it's people like you that make the world a truly better place, just by being who you are. 

(Just Life With Ngoc): Shortie Episode 31 -- The Little Things

Perhaps it's just a "Ngoc" a thing, but the reality is, all it takes is one small, wonderful thing to make my day. Heck. Yes.

Yesterday was an awful day. One word describes yesterday best: CHAOTIC. It was even... PAINFUL,

I was running around school during lunch and homeroom and even between transition periods, trying to communicate to various situations coming at me. Mostly family related....I felt as if I was going to collapse at any moment. Physically, I was sick. Mentally, I was anywhere but school. I just wanted everything to just... stop. Pause a second and catch my breath. Listen to silence and soak in it for as long as I needed. 

But alas, yesterday proved to me again how resilient I have to be to overcome tough situations that life hands me. 

But you know what? All it took were some of my friends, who noticed that I hadn't had lunch :(, to remind me, "Hey. Ngoc. This is going to pass. I believe in you. And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me." 

(Hey. You know who you are. The three of you. Thank you so much. <3)

I would not have been able to pull through the rest of the day without those words. It was as if time slowed down in that wonderful moment. For the rest of the day, if I felt as if I was truly going to collapse, my mind would replay that short but beautiful moment over again and again. Maybe the actual encouragement itself, the words, have grown hazy. But that warm, happy feeling that someone out there (and in this unique situation, someone(s)) believed in me won't ever go away. If I would only give myself two seconds to appreciate the seemingly little things that people who cared for me have done, then I would have enough to carry me through for hours, days, weeks, and even years to come. 

I hope you can find that too, whoever you are. I hope you can find the little things in life that truly do make your day. Let yourself remember. Let yourself soak in that warmth. I know you'll make it.  

Your good vibes girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Shout-out to you..  I hope you know who you are. If you don't, I'm going to be sad. :( :P

Thank you for hugging me buddy. Even if you've reminded me countless times that you're NOT a hugger. <3 It meant so so much. ^_^

(Just life with Ngoc): Episode 30 -- AP Classes (-_-')

Heya readers,

Your girl Ngoc here. Finally! Yay! I'm back!!!

But I'm gonna discuss AP classes? Wuhtttt?!!?

I know. Lame. But seriously.

AP classes are a huge part of my life and maybe even yours, yet unknowingly, I've let it take over-- a little too late to get out of the entire kaboozo now. heh.

So let me clarify everything with a story.

It was around the wee hours of midnight. As usual, I was staying up for an assignment again. Maybe the assignment was especially difficult. Or maybe it was the fact that I've suffered chronic sleep deprivation for weeks and weeks. Nah, more like months.

The weariness began to increasingly settle somewhere deep within my soul and my eyes slowly adjusted away from my assignment. I kind of just stared off into space. A few minutes more of pondering "why am I putting myself through this.... tiredness again? What the **** is motivating me to stay up so late despite EXHAUSTION?!?!"

And then I came to a (and I think a very obvious) realization that I really did just waste the last four years of my high school career. Yeah. y-u-p

It was a LOT to take in.

(okieee let's break this down. W_E_L_P)

What felt so overwhelming was this immediate realization that I had... let college be the center of my life for as long as I could remember.

Dark. Yeah.

And because I did that, I had attempted many times to look great on paper. Of course, I still don't, heh. But the point is... I had willingly subjected myself to take AP courses I had no interest in, fully believing that that would make me look more competitive on college applications...That perhaps, as a low-income Southeast Asian girl who seemed as if she was challenging herself, I would have a chance to make it big.

A chance to escape a label I grew up with: "low-income student who will probably end up going to a CC nearby. wow."

I mean, hey. Let this girl get into an Ivy or a LAC if she wants. Let the girl dream, right?

But perhaps I dreamt and longed for college way too much? I remember starting high school so optimistically. Joining multiple clubs that seemed super cool at once but in reality, I just ended up unable to dedicate to any of them because of my course load. I was invited to multiple parties and declined every single one of them because of either homework or because I thought that for every lost hour of work, that equates to a lesser chance of me making it to... well... making my dreams come true. -_- Not only that, but throughout my years at  --- (Let's call my high school Hardie) --- Hardie, I fervently felt the need to take as many APs as I could, trying to show off my academic skills to colleges...hoping I'd stand out....

I had slept many late nights, believing that this would all be worth it. That I would come out stronger, better. Convinced that all my weariness and lack of social life were mere opportunity costs towards something greater, a small sacrifice for the grand amount of opportunities I'll have when I get that acceptance letter to the school of my dreams.

Yeah. That's a pretty standard way to survive high school, yes? And maybe it's because I'm Asian so this all immediately fits into the AZN STUDENT STEREOTYPE. gREAT.

But right now, as I sit here pondering the last few years, I can't help but feel as if I've seriously messed up.

Gosh, my feelings are everywhere right now, but what I do know in this moment, is that instead of loading my life with as many AP courses as I did, I wish I entered high school with a different mindset; I should have focused on myself.

Instead of building a shiny resume, I should have focused on developing myself as a person. Exploring myself. Having new experiences and building a stronger, more resilient young woman.

I mean, sure, yes, I kind of did do that. Through this blog, of course! But the truth is, I wish I had more time to myself for myself. More free time to explore who I am and who I want to be in the safe time frame that is high school. Not that college isn't a great place to do that, but instead of investing 99% of my energy into a future I am unsure of, I should have invested in myself... in the present. In the absolute reality that I know and build off from there... *And most of that really means loving myself and giving myself more time to do anything. Even if that really means staring blankly at a wall for 15 minutes. Funny, but you and I can build a universe in the span of 15 minutes.*

And not only that but... I feel as if I've lost my childhood to hours and weekends full of homework and poor time management on my part. If I can redo high school, then I would only wish to make more time to spend with my family and friends. All those mindless hours of stress and work and assignments and preparing for a test or a quiz, fearful of B's and C's.... wow. A waste. I remember and will probably remember none of that.

Had I filled those working hours with bonding experiences or new experiences, I would have more to remember. More to be happy about as I reminisce instead of a timeless zap back into a past full of sad versions of Ngocs just sitting somewhere, hovering yet again over her laptop or reading a textbook. Sad. Pathetic. No fun.

I wish I had more time. No. I wish I made more time for the people that mattered to me. I wish I made more time and was braver to try new experiences. I wish that I.... well. It's all in the past now, isn't it?

What I still have in my hand is the present. Glorious. Beautiful. Resilient. Now. And you and I? We're gonna make the very best with what we have without.... without neglecting the hw and the tests and quizzes. They're still important too, but just don't be me and put them all in your direct eyesight. Heh.

I'm not going to end this episode with any piece of advice for you, my faithful audience. Advice are words you grab onto if you desperately need it. So to leave this open-ended almost, I'll leave some advice for myself instead, if that's okay. :P

(Advice-to-self: So. Ngoc. When you're in college or anywhere else later in life, I need you to focus more on building friendships and enjoying, basking in the life right in front of you. Of course, don't entirely neglect your studies dumbo, because college is $$$$$$$. I mean, as long as you don't become an AP course and overload your life with the ish that does not matter. 

But.... just... give yourself more space to dance and climb and experience and build more layers of an already pretty cool human. I trust you can do it, buddy. We may not know what we'll want in the future, but for now, what we want is to be happy. And hopefully, die happy. Bless your soul.)

Let's leave this world with a SHUBANG!

Thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog! <3333

Your most optimistic soul,
Ngoc

P.s. It's been months months since I've written my last episode... ohmigod. But hey. I promise I'll get back on our feet.  I love writing episodes for my blog. It's just... soo... freeing. 
So. I will. be. back. ^_^

P.p.s. Also. Would it be weird if I called my audience the.... "Ngoc-ers"? :P 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 29 - I Saved Myself

Dear Readers...

Hey there! Hahaha, I'm actually in tears right now. Just.. yeah. I feel... pretty... broken. Well. Ouch...

How do I... how do I say this?

Simply put, I felt so broken a few moments ago.

It's actually 12:31 am right now. The 22nd of August. All around me is silence. All around me is... uncertainty of a future I cannot begin to comprehend. Even worse than Episode 7's vivid demonstration. HAH.

But what I can say is... as broken as I felt a few moments ago... I still reached for my phone. Quickly turned to one of my own earlier episodes here on this blog: Episode 20 - Love Yourself. And I read it. I read it twice. From beginning to end. My own words of wisdom. Reread. By phone light. And me, all alone in the darkness of my own living room.

As I read through episode 20... through my own words. It was truly a special episode to me.... conveying a lesson I am still very much learning. Loving myself. Despite whatever I may be going through. Despite... despite the pits and falls of an ever-changing reality that is my life.

I am glad.. that I am here. Gosh.. I felt... as if I needed saving. I still feel that. But the surety, the confidence that episode 20 had in myself... I was readily reminded of how strong I am. How strong I was. And how strong I can be.

This really isn't an episode as you can see. It's.. haha, more like a girl who's constantly trying to add meaningful pauses! But the point is.. even in an absolutely dark moment, like just now, I... saved myself...

I think I just saved myself.

Wow... no way. But way. Sooo so so way.

My past self just saved my present self. Gosh. The wisdom of my past self, or more like, the version of me who knew what she was talking about -- I listened to her. And I got more than what I could bargain for: more surety. To continue. On. To continue forward. Despite.. despite this. Despite this teenage tragedy. Despite future tragedies. Despite the mountain of emotions that I am feeling in this... point in my life. I just have to accept these circumstances and move on.

Move on forward as I always have. And move on forward for as long as I can.

And you? I hope you can too. If I can try to do this, then you can do. Let's heal and grow stronger, together. We got this.


Your buddy,
Ngoc

P.s. Just want to give a special thanks to past-me. She's lit!! And just... I can't even begin to express the amount of... pain I just felt. That... was seriously incredible. And I'm learning. Learning slowly. But learning. I'm going to be okay. Ngoc, you're going to be okay. Ngoc, everything will be okay.... I really really really love you lots, Ngoc. <333 I hope you know that.

(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 28 - When You're the Bad Guy

Hi there buddies!.......welp.

It's almost 10 pm right now as I'm writing this, and my world can't get darker than this.

Today, the 7th of July, I feel.... super... duper.... awful. Why?

I feel awful because I know I'm awful. And when you know you're awful, gosh, you feel awful alright.

You know how when you're having an argument right? Especially with someone you deeply about... and you guys are just bringing up each other's past mistakes and one of you starts crying quite obviously. The other one is tearing up silently so that the other one can't hear. And you're both just riding this emotional roller coaster and you feel as if your brain will pop its guts out inside your skull because you realize, mid-argument, that you're the bad guy.

I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason why someone I care about is crying. Why she's sniffling in the corner of the car and my mom's driving calmly/frantically because she wants to understand what we're fighting about, and I sit there. Feeling awful. I feel awful right now.

And I don't know what to do. Should I... console her? I've done that before and that just made her push me away.

Should I tell her she means lots to me even if my past actions have probably communicated to her otherwise?... Gosh. I feel awful.

Should I just say, "Hey, buddy. I guess we won't be talking for a while, but let's go see Ocean's 8 tomorrow, heh."? Yep. Still feeling awful. This hurts. This sucks.

Yeah,... it sucks when you're the bad guy. But I have reasons for being the guy. I promise! But somehow, I don't feel like the bad guy, yet I know I am. I have valid reasons even if they don't make sense to other people, to her even... She's asked me to change before. We've had the same argument many times. And given the circumstances, my future, and how busy I will absolutely be in the future... I just know I'm incapable of changing for her. Becoming the sister she needs... agh. Agh. Agh. 

Maybe there's no such thing as a bad guy. Maybe it's just that it feels super awful knowing you're responsible for someone else's tears and it's just so awful you don't know how to be brave and face it. Say sorry. But there's a limit on sorry's that anyone can give. That I can give. To the point where sorry's just do not matter anymore. It counts more what I do from here. But I'm coward who's just going to continue doing everything she was doing before. It's okay to be a coward sometimes right? To be afraid. Yet I love her. I love her more than my own life and if given the chance, I'd probably prove it as an article headline but right now, I. Just. Feel. Absolutely. Terrible.

And that's it.

I know I'll be okay later. I know she'll be okay later. We'll both be. I know that. Which is good.

But when you're in the wrong and you know it...? Me? I pause and stop and think and wonder aggravatingly what else I could have said, how else I could have said it, and what I'm going to do from here. She deserves that, at the very least, from me. Consideration and thought. I love her.

The whole point of this post isn't to ask you, the reader for advice. This isn't written so that I can prove to myself that I'm not exactly the "bad guy" here. This wasn't written even to make myself feel better.

I'm writing here to record a bit of who I am. Maybe it might resonate with someone which will be nice but... it's just my thoughts. How I feel. I needed this. I needed to write or I would have cracked.

Don't worry. I haven't cracked yet. *sigh*

Hope this finds everyone well! The 7th of July. YEP IM A DRAMA QUEEN WELPPPPPP

Your drama llama queen,
Ngoc

P.S. YEP STILL FEELING PLENTY AWFUL EVEN AS I FINISH THIS R.I.P.

(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 27 - Together and Fighting

Heya readers!

We're basically almost half way in the summer. I hope it's been a great summer for you thus far and that it only gets better from here. :D

For me, this summer I've enrolled myself in a five-week class that solely focuses on literature, on English, on stories and how they're baby-made. It's a wonderful class with many wonderful, equally adorkable souls. I don't think I can be blessed with a better group of classmates, or for that, friends to discuss literature over. Gosh, what an amazing group of young people and how excited I am to go to class every day!

However, being the open class that it is, it was also within this week that a pretty dark truth was brought up mid-discussion, and it made me wonder, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then would we work together towards it?"

So... imagine that you and I are... say, basically pretty similar people.

We're both driven towards the same goal. We're both very driven. We've both been driven for basically most of our lives and few times in our lives have we ever shared anything besides the restroom or food and drink. (hehe, meee) Yet, the important thing is, yes, we share the same goal. However, only one of us can get there. Only one of us can achieve it, yet... we're both so similar.

We envy each other's talents. We envy the goodness in each other. There is a constant dance of self-deprecating comparison which might cause us to do bad things to each other. Even hurt the other to get what we want.

Similar to that same story my class read together, I felt some of that envy when I read that someone I knew had received the prestigious TASP award, an award that basically guarantees you to an Ivy League school.

I felt that envy. I let it burn a little. Let it simmer. And paused mid-thought just as I paused during that discussion, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then couldn't we just work together towards it?" It's a solid yet innocent question that someone can answer either dishonestly or genuinely, "Yes. Of course."

Or is it a, "Yes... of course?"

Or even a, "Hm... sure. Maybe. I don't know."

Or just, "Frankly? Nope."

Because I don't know.

As I ponder this over, if people are working together towards the same goal that only few can achieve, most likely, no matter the circumstance, there will usually be a competitiveness stemmed from festering envy. Gosh. Even I felt it. Even I felt that envy. It saddens me that at some level I grieve over another's achievements instead of cherishing them. However, that's actually not always the case. Thank god that nothing is ever absolute in this world.

If it's someone you and I truly care about... or it's a situation where you and I find that the other person was truly more deserving... or... yes. Lots and lots of "ors" and "ands."

I don't think there's even a true conclusion to this huge thought bubble I have written here. Just... a group of people. So similar and talented in their own unique ways towards the same goal.

Yet fighting for it. Fighting against the others.

Ouch.

This was Ngoc, your buddy, with some dark life thoughts. It's okay! We're cool here with dark thoughts, aren't we y'all? :P

Your girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Thank the lord I enrolled in that storylines class. Because if I hadn't, I would have had zilch to write about in this blog space here. Gosh.

To Paramita, Stella, Ivan, Kobe, Jenna, and Danny. All of those five weeks... I love all of you. I deeply enjoyed my time with each of you. I just can't believe next week is the last week together. I just... gosh. I don't know if by then any of you would even see this episode. I don't know if by then I would even brave sending you all this, but gosh.

The amount of family-hood (I'm sure I didn't get that right, welp) we have experienced together and getting to know each of you for the unique yet bright beings you all are.. wow. Just... wow. We were all in the same class for the same reason, yet there was never anything to be competitive about, and that's been one of the most fostering dynamics to our friendship. Albeit short and firework-like, this has been one of the most life-changing, bright, but unforgettable friendships I have made so far in my life. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. <3

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 26 - "-- because of people"

Hello, helloooo buddies!~

I have a question for you this week: Is there anyone you would like to just say "Thank you" to?

It can just be one person, a group of people, or a community that uplifts you, helping you get to where you are today. In more ways than one, I am who I am today because of the people in my life.

Which sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Because it is.

So here's the story...

Being the ambitious kid I am, I've sought and applied for multiple summer programs at once. This meant I needed some great essays, equally great recommendations, and of course, some initiative to continue through. And guess what?

I needed the support of, gosh, so many people every step of the way. I was almost never alone. I would need help editing my essays. I would need a teacher willing to put out his/her own time to write me that rec letter. And I would need some type of support system to keep me motivated throughout the process.

People. I needed people the entire time.

That's not to say that needing people is a good thing in general, but it was the knowledge that I wasn't alone in that seemingly lonely, self-driven process of ambition, of dreams, of hope that made the experience a better one. And... being quite a reserved person in general, my support system was relatively small, but that worked out well in the end because all I had to do was ask and almost always, someone out there would answer the call. ^_^

Because it's not about how many people you have in your life that will change it, it's about the type of people you surround yourself with. Quality, resilient, steady persons willing to stand with you. Willing to stay with you despite the many things they have on their plate already. People who want you to succeed.

And as I talk about this... many moments collect and stand out to me. On a specific night about two months ago as I stayed up to two in the morning trying to gather my wits around mountains of mini-essays for a certain competitive program, this friend of mine stayed up with me the entire time that long night, tirelessly making careful edits. He never questioned. Despite his own projects and mountains of work to finish, he plowed through my essays, tending to them as if they were his own. I remember how motivated I became, because this was no longer a lonely road into the night; I was fighting with someone. Someone so willing to be there, to help me achieve what I wanted.

And then other moments pops up as well.

It was another one of the lunches I had with my French teacher. I remember feeling nervous and uneasy because I was about to approach her for something that I felt would make me seem shallow; "Oh, Ngoc's only been eating lunch with me just to get a good rec letter?" Welp. That's what I'm afraid of. And even today, I'm still afraid of appearing as if I'm only out to befriend you only to use you... but I remember how warm she was to me when I brought it up. 

"Ngoc, just go ahead and send me the details and your resume. I'll make sure to meet the deadline, okay? Okay!" And then she hugged me. ^_^ 

(That recommendation she wrote for me? I felt like crying from joy.)


There are so many moments that I've managed to somehow collect from just these summer programs. And a last one stands out. 

I was procrastinating this one summer program which meant I needed editing work on a bunch of essays the night before the deadline. I emailed a random college coordinator, assuming she was my own college coordinator. She replied to me and in less than two hours had put so many helpful edits on all my essays. I later found out that she hardly knew me. That is, she didn't know me at all. 


Yet she helped me; no questions asked. I learned a little bit more that night what it meant to be kind. Especially to a stranger. <3

Because... people. Gosh, people. All the people in my life... I am simply a myriad of experiences with many types of people I've encountered thus far. And I continue to be. 

We both continue to be. 

So it is quite valid as they say? That we should surround yourself with people who inspire us, who move us, who change us for the better? You answer that! Not me! ^_^ 

And of course, you and I are bound to run into someone or something who challenges our morals, our priorities, even all we believed in either a positive or negative way, but it's up to us to make a decision that stays true to ourselves in both essence and definition. A decision we can be happy with. (More on this in a future episode? Sure!) :)

Before I go, I leave you with this: Dare you to thank just one person who has shaped you or your life for the better. Today! TO-DAY. Shoot them an e-mail. Give them a call. Or say it to them in person. Feel free to thank more than one person~ the more the merrier~ Trust me on this one. Trust meeeeee.

Hope you have a wonderful day, my buddies~

Your blogger girl,
Ngoc

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 25 - Let's Appreciate Ourselves ~ (1/4 mark)

Heya readers!

This is episode 25. I am 1/4 done with my intended journey of... 100 episodes!

In today's episode, as special as any other, we are going to celebrate ourselves in the best way that we can: by writing a blog episode about it, of course. ^_^

(lolol I'm bad at transitions, againnnnn) Very recently... wait, no, I think... for a very long time, I've felt less than myself. This very real inferior complex that has driven me mad, that continues to hurt me. Gosh, just the thought of feeling less than someone else because of their amazing accomplishments or who they are or how they look or where they've been: I've let that all get to me. Because I keep comparing who I am to who others are around me, I've unknowingly hurt myself. It's been a painful experience, and well,  it is painful. And it's something I still have and will probably continue to feel unless I start appreciating myself for who I am already. *sigh*

Here's the story. A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine (Ana~) who had read an earlier "rant" on this very blog reached out to me, saying and reaching my heart with the kindest encouragements. Except, she and I aren't extremely close friends, but somehow years of knowing each other can make it easy for her to reach out to me and I to her... to just be kind. She tried to instill in me my own sense of self-love. In fact, she pushed for it when she said I shouldn't be comparing myself to others when I'm perfect as I am. Not, heh, perfect as in the actual definition, but perfect as in, I'm the most perfect Ngoc there is, because I am the only Ngoc.

This is a pretty cliche lesson isn't it?

But the point is, I shouldn't be feeling less than myself, when I am myself. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for being who I am, for having experienced what I've experienced. And sure, I'm human and you're human. That would mean we'd both have regrets we can't forget or have negatively affected us and maybe, maybe sometimes you'd feel those experiences have made you a lesser person. Maybe sometimes, you would stop and wonder who you'd be if you did this or did that, but ultimately, those decisions are in the past. They've already been made. And you are who you are already. You are who you choose to be with every decision you make but don't let that be your make-or-break factor.

Because the make-or-break factor is this: you're at the very least happy with something in your life. There's something good about it. This thing doesn't have to be big even; it can be super small too. Like, personally, what I really like about being me is the fact that my Grandma makes the most awesome salty, dried chicken shreds to eat with rice, ever! What I also really like about being me are my offensively thick calves. Like... wow. They are thickkk calves. But I love them, because I like to think that if we're in some apocalypse, I have at least a little bit more than my younger sister to snack on. ;P

Honestly, just pause here for a bit to give yourself some love. Give yourself a pat on the back for even visiting this blog. Do it! Now give yourself a high-five for being you. ^_^ *high fiveeeeee*

I'm not saying that I'll ever be able to stop comparing myself to others, because there are no such things as absolutes when it comes to our constantly-evolving selves -- yadidadada-- However, what is true is that I'm willing to do all I can, drawing inspiration and motivation and self-love from others around me, to simply appreciate myself. Appreciate that while I may not have the most accomplished or have the most stellar-looking resume or have the biggest dreams a girl can have or be the most beautiful, I am Ngoc. And I really appreciate myself. I've got through a lot in my life. I've been through a lot. There are, of course, moments when I made cringey decisions. There are moments when I've made a fool of myself. There are times when I could have done better for the people around me, people I dearly love. There are many times in my life when I could have appreciated others more. There were, gosh, so many moments where I wanted to cry for being, for feeling less than someone else. It's not like I won't ever feel that everrrr againnnn. But, when I do, I hope I'll be able, and that you'll be able to appreciate that there are some happy aspects of you and your life you find that only you can really experience. No one else. But you.


Your girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Gosh, thank you for making it this far! I hope I've made your day a little and at the very least, entertained you for a few minutes. Which is good too! ^_^

Random link to a random happy place: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZkRtNgb7Vw
(as for the link, skip to 1:03:30. I find that it's a pretty relevant song ;))

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 24 - Every Opportunity

Heya readers!

Yes, this episode isn't another one of my long podcasts! 

Because... hm, today I'm going to tell you the story of how I, Ngoc, found enough fight in me to throw a pebble into the pond.

Alrighty. So, about a little more than a month ago, I got into a wonderful summer program: an all-expenses paid England trip. Receiving those news especially by call was exhilarating. You know how British people have British accents right? Haha, of course they have British accents! They're British! 

Well, I had missed a call from this unknown number during school. I knew it was from the British summer program, but I waited the whole four hours until I got home to return the call, fearing that if I did return the call, I'd only receive an apology for not being accepted. I was, frankly, preparing my heart for the worst possible scenario. 

But it was different. I returned the call. A lady picked up. She sounded pleasant and airy, exactly how I thought a sophisticated woman would sound like. And I remember my heart, pounding so fast just waiting to be denied which explained my confusion when I heard her next question, "So Ngoc, would you like to be a part of our summer program?" 

My ears and brain weren't cooperating in time.

So I asked her to repeat herself.

Like, two more times.

She did. 

"Gosh.... AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAAHHA SQUEUEUEUEEEUEUEUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *insert incoherent semi-squeals*

That was about a month ago. I was ecstatic. Still am. Heh.

And yesterday, I got my acceptance letter for a two-week all-out wintry cold hiking trip in the Cascades. And you're probably wondering, "Uh.. okay. Great for you. How smooth of you, Ngoc, to use your blog as a bragging platform.... -_- " I kind of am to be honest. Heh. And er... I kind of deserve it. :P ^_^ 

However, haha, to be completely honest, this whole episode is kind of just me bragging about that earlier version of "me." 

I remember pulling super late-nighters, straining my eyes in the darkness despite the rise and fall of my little sister's sleeping breaths, and willingly putting out my time into applications that I confidently felt were sub-par. 

I was putting myself out there. I was scared. I was really just tired and so stressed with all the homework and side projects I already had. I was so tired at times that I stopped to wonder, "Ngoc, why are you even filling this application out? Your credentials have no chance. Your lack of 'leadership positions' will lead you no where against this sea of others..." 

Despite my many negative thoughts, I plowed on. 

Reason being I'd feel awful later if I didn't take these opportunities. An opportunity is an opportunity is an opportunity. But I think the words that most resonated with me in those moments were my EMERGE coordinator's who is not with me here today, but, gosh, she said the best thing, "The worst case scenario is they say no right? So, go! Go and apply my younglings!"

So if the worst case scenario is denial.... hm... let's go!! And somehow I made it to the finish line, turning in all those applications by their respective due dates usually 10 minutes shy of midnight. I wanted to throw the best version of me into the pond. Maybe my ripples would be big enough to be seen. Or maybe not. But as long as I throw myself in with all my might, that's enough for me.

Whatever happens after doesn't matter, because I am happiest in that moment, that moment right after I've turned in that application feeling so satisfied that I've put my best foot forward.

"It's been a long week. It's been a long night. Here I am. Done. I've pushed 'Submit.' Whatever happens, I'll be perfectly fine. If they don't like me as an applicant, I like me as an applicant."

So, well, maybe I've been super cheesy in every episode possible, including this one when the cheese was laid down an extreme amount, but hey, this idea of throwing the best version of you applies anywhere. 

I just hope that you will be brave enough to take every relevant opportunity your way with your best effort. Something good will come out of that, or maybe nothing at all, but hey, I trust you to fight your best fight and find satisfaction that you tried. Gosh, just try. Every time. 

Every time. 

Your buddy and girl who likes you very much as a person and a soul for reading this episode,

Ngoc

P.S. Gosh, episode 24. It'll be a year soon. A year since I've started this official blog. With real intentions. Gosh. One year since. We've fought a good fight, don't you agree? 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 23 - Let's All Be That One Person

Heya readers/listeners!

Podcast time!~

Let's all delve a bit into my dark, dark past as we explore what it means 

to be someone for someone.

Hope you'll enjoy, because I did. ^_^ And thanks for listening, my genuine humans.

https://youtu.be/h-f9n59qmLk

Your buddy,

Ngoc 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 22 - What With Awkward Posts

Dear buddies!

I… know. I promised myself, I promised you all I’d never write another episode about any of the chummy, hearty, fluffy feelings stuff IN EPISODE 7. I know. I did. But… gosh. The truth of the matter is, yes, heartfelt break up music is playing in the background, not ironic at all, haha, and… yes, I have someone special in my life.

It’s not love. But sometimes, when it’s late and I lay awake thinking of the magic he makes me feel, what I truly feel is so close to another word: I like him. Wow. I know. I'm making this all super sarcastic, but gosh, I feel, at this point, as if I’m telling you a story of failure, failure yet to happen. Or, failure bound to happen. Or, failure that may never happen. I don’t know yet. And that’s the truth. Heh.

First off, I’m young. Big shocker. I had already confessed to a guy I liked for a short while almost a year ago and had since promised myself never to involve this fragile heart of mine in anything like "that" because it’ll only end up getting mangled and beaten. Created in all its glory only to burn and evolve into something completely other. I’m still so young. So naïve. So… immaturely, clingy, haha…. And yet, yes, of course it had to be someone like him to come along and break all my promises. In the best ways, of course. 

How it started? One simple, carefree conversation that lasted for hours. Yeap.

And yes, I see the trend too. I’ve a thing for hilarious, carefree conversations? No duh.

Anyways, hah, the next thing I knew, he and I texted each other almost every day. And god, if you can really narrow it all down to one thing I like about this guy (which is really really really hard), it’s his considerateness. So considerate. Always aware of my boundaries, boundaries I had clearly told him in the early buds of our friendship. Always making sure I’m comfortable. Letting me set the pace of our more-than-friends situation and making it clear that yes, I get to own the joystick and steering wheel. And because he did that, because he let me set our pace, I literally misled myself for three months thinking we were “just friends that liked each other.” Only recently, did it finally occur to me that we were more than that, that we were more than friends. I’m slow. I’m sorry. Really. And to you too buddy, who is most likely still swamped in apps, I’m sorry too.  

And what else? God, his respect. How much he respects my time. How much he respects me. And his effort to clear misunderstandings between us and to vocalize, bravely, how he feels about.... anything. And when he says what he feels about me, you have no idea, but my heart pounds like an orchestra bass drum. Then there's his faith in us when I feel too confused and scared to have any. And... the way he knowingly makes me laugh and I'd have to catch myself from smiling too much or my parents would think I'm not studiously studying. I've barely kept a straight face so many freaking times. Hahaha..

And I get it. I get it. You’re probably wondering, how in the name of all things warm and cozy have I not asked this guy out?

The truth is I… don’t want to make so many attachments to him that when the time to say good-bye finally comes, I wouldn’t be able to let go. Of the thought of him. The way my heart would jolt in on itself when I receive a little good evening text from him. How I can’t stop smiling with my eyes reflecting the light of my phone on some really warm, fuzzy nights. The way I manage to associate any love song to him. How just wondering about what he’s doing at random times in the day would make me want to reach for my phone impulsively. And how just one thing he would say would be on my mind throughout the next day. It’s crazy. But it’s not love, remember? And I know that. I just… really really really really really like him.

And god, the longing. For him. For his presence. We don’t go to the same school. Long distance in a sense but more… so close, yet so far. That’s how we are. Despite how we feel about each other, meeting up in person always proves a challenge. But god, sometimes I miss him so much. It almost physically hurts. And haha, if you’re thinking I miss him in the “ohhhh, you live so far that I can’t have sex with you whenever I want” sense, think again, buddy. Think again. *pat pat* But really, sometimes the distance between us hurts. It hurts me indirectly, but it makes our meetings that much more meaningful. However…. If you know me….. I have a way of being sucky when it comes to making the most of our time when we do meet. I’m still learning, but god, next time, when we do meet, I’m making every second worth it.

What makes our “more than friends” friendship so awesome is the trust. We trust each other so much. With all the happy things and even the super dark stuff. We always manage to bounce right back up after discussing seriously dark topics. And honestly, we would have amounted to nothing, if we didn’t trust each other to carefully take care of each other’s emotions, thoughts, and misunderstandings. Put it into a safety box, lock it away where only we know, and if we ever need to come back to the box, we’d both open it at the same time, together. Together.

But we’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. He’s not perfect. And years of distance and separation during college if we ever make it that far will prove difficult, so freaking difficult. I just want to cry thinking of that…. I’d most likely be miserable missing him while trying to make a new life, a new home in my college years without him. And senior year… next year… haha, that’s IF this goes on that long. Heh. Heh. Hah. I’m practically laughing like a madwoman because I'm thinking way toooooo far ahead. Of course I can survive and thrive prosperously without him and his presence, but just, the thought of him, not being able to be there with me. To hug me when I need a hug. Just… to hold me. Like, now. Now when he’s not here and I’m living off of break up songs that I have no reason listening to if we’re not even dating. My godddddd. *commence the self-whacks*

But hey. What we have is awesome. The dynamics are new and thrilling. And like all new and thrilling things do, they slowly wear off but they’re replaced with something more meaningful and long lasting. Trust. Support. I see a haven in him. A listening ear I can come to when we’re reasonably awake enough to be good listeners of course. X’D And a source of powerful, deep insight. He’s wayyyyyyy smart. And I’m… eh. And sure, sometimes certain differences pop out like a sore thumb, but in those moments, I stop to remind myself why I’m still on the phone with him or still texting him or still thinking about him (I’ve gotten better at thinking of him less. It’s a time thing. You’ll get better at it too because you’ll slowly realize you’ve a life outside of this ginormous crush. 😊), and just let myself accept the fact that we're different. It's just up to the job of constantly communicating between each other, to smooth over misunderstandings, and you know what? He and I have never ever fought each other. I've never found myself angry at him, and hopefully, he hasn't at me, heh. It's really just been minor misunderstandings that just needed to be communicated. And we did that. So maturely. Even through tears sometimes over on my end, but we managed. We're okay. We're so fixable, it's amazing. :) 

So yes, while what we have is awesome. I know we can’t last. He’ll end up finding and connecting with someone smarter, prettier, less clingy and needy somewhere at Yale or UChicago while I end up at a cutesy all women’s college hundreds of miles away (heh if I get accepted). So while I am hellishly jealous when that happens, a part of me, a deeper part of me will find solace that someone else will be able to make him happy in ways I can’t. That’s actually… terribly sad and hella depressing, and I’m probably lying to myself if I ever say I’ll be completely happy with that thought but hey, when you cherish someone that much, so much that it goes beyond yourself and your own needs, it will be freaking hard andtakeawhilehuehueeeeeearghghghghghg but you’ll be able to be happy that they’re happy even if a piece of you will hurt like hell.

And that’s the truth. The truth that what he and I have will most likely end. And… god, while that may suck for me so freaking much, it’s a truth I may as well accept. It’s inevitable. It’s unavoidable. And I can try and elongate what time he and I do have left together, because of how beautiful and awesome and warm and colorful letting him be a part of my life is, but I can’t avoid the unavoidable. Acceptance.

Accepting… that truth. Gah.

GAH. CURSE THIS BEATING HEART. THIS HEART THAT BEAT ALL TOO FAST THOSE MANY TIMES. THESE HORMONES THAT HAVE DRIVEN ME MAD. CURSE THE FACT THAT I’M 17. CURSE THE FACT THAT I WISH I HAD MET HIM MUCH LATER, WHEN WE COULD HAVE BEEN CLOSER. MUCH… CLOSER. WHEN THIS TRUTH WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOOM SO FREAKING CLOSE TO MY FACEEEEEE.

I guess I had no point to this story telling. Maybe this was all some sort of crazy rant to let go of feelings I’ve already expressed to him but suddenly feel the need to put into words somewhere or I’ll burst while listening to super beautiful break up songs. Yikes.

I’m crazy. I apologize. Again.

On a slightly happier note. Because the freaking sad truth is unavoidable, it’s within my ability at the very least to make the most of what he and I share. It’s within our power to make this one heck of a time. And it will always be so until this all nicely closes, like a really good book you have a huge hangover for after finishing. Kind of like that. So I’ll find it within me to just… have fun. Be present. Fully present during the precious times I do get to spend with him. And give it my all. Haha, not my all alllll because of *cough* thebakery *cough* but a lot of me. I’ll throw it all in eventually. And just be unafraid and while it may hurt hellishly in the end, I choose to make this awesome while I still have him in my life in the way that he is right now. ^_^

And uh… thank you for reading this rant/insight into my crushy, fluffy life/or actual insight into a long distance “more than friendship” friendship. Haha, thanks for dropping by. Glad you did. 😊

Your seriously lovestruck friend that isn’t in love but just really really really likes someone a lot, so much so that it gets hella depressing,

Ngoc

P.S. If you’re him. God, I feel like this is the reenactment of episode 7 except this time you mean so much more. If uh…. Me sharing this to the public domain makes you feel uncomfortable, then… yikes. I’m sorry. This is part of who I am, buddy. Someone that shares … and while I meant everything I said above with all the depressing “unavoidables,” the lot. This episode, episode 22 on the third of January, is a record of how awesome you are, how precious you are, and how happy I am that you’re a part of my life in this moment. This moment. No moment less. No moment more. Just… thank you so much. One day, I’ll be able to look back and just smile while reading this. And you’d be the reason why. Or maybe cry. Haha, I honestly have no idea. Hopefully, smile. Smiling fondly. This episode here was more for me than it was for you, honestly. You know this about me by now, but when I finally put words down like this, it becomes real in my world, Charles. :P And hey, look. It’s going to be four months so soon. Four awesome months that will soon pass. You’re part of the reason why. Thank you for that. And for so much more that you either do or don't know about. :) *huggieeeee*

P.P.S. Just realized I write too passionately when it comes to these things. Hm. Interesting. 

P.P.P.S. And Ngoc, if you’re reading this all over again in the future, just know that you’re awesome. You are everything you can ever want. Even Charles said so. And hey, if you’re smiling while reaching to this point, you’re so strong. Keep that strength and never ever waver for me. And if you do just that, you’ll rock the rest of the world, baby child. *pat pat*

And hey, if you cried while reaching to this point Ngoc, just know that you are strong. I mean, you wrote all of this to save yourself ahead of time. I mean… how smart is that? If all else fails and you can’t stop crying, refer to that long donkey list you wrote on the bus, the one you mentioned in episode 21. Read it over again. Do that. Right now if you are. You have a lot to smile and live for. Your life isn’t over even if it feels like it is. Time heals all wounds. And eventually, time will heal this one too if it really is a wound. And hey, if everything fails, Yen will be there for you. Go to her. She’s someone that will love you endlessly. And you’ve your friends. Go to them if need be because they’ll let you cry forever, unflinchingly. But Yen is more accessible. And less awkward to cry on. Haha.

Hey. You got this.