Hi there buddies!.......welp.
It's almost 10 pm right now as I'm writing this, and my world can't get darker than this.
Today, the 7th of July, I feel.... super... duper.... awful. Why?
I feel awful because I know I'm awful. And when you know you're awful, gosh, you feel awful alright.
You know how when you're having an argument right? Especially with someone you deeply about... and you guys are just bringing up each other's past mistakes and one of you starts crying quite obviously. The other one is tearing up silently so that the other one can't hear. And you're both just riding this emotional roller coaster and you feel as if your brain will pop its guts out inside your skull because you realize, mid-argument, that you're the bad guy.
I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason why someone I care about is crying. Why she's sniffling in the corner of the car and my mom's driving calmly/frantically because she wants to understand what we're fighting about, and I sit there. Feeling awful. I feel awful right now.
And I don't know what to do. Should I... console her? I've done that before and that just made her push me away.
Should I tell her she means lots to me even if my past actions have probably communicated to her otherwise?... Gosh. I feel awful.
Should I just say, "Hey, buddy. I guess we won't be talking for a while, but let's go see Ocean's 8 tomorrow, heh."? Yep. Still feeling awful. This hurts. This sucks.
Yeah,... it sucks when you're the bad guy. But I have reasons for being the guy. I promise! But somehow, I don't feel like the bad guy, yet I know I am. I have valid reasons even if they don't make sense to other people, to her even... She's asked me to change before. We've had the same argument many times. And given the circumstances, my future, and how busy I will absolutely be in the future... I just know I'm incapable of changing for her. Becoming the sister she needs... agh. Agh. Agh.
Maybe there's no such thing as a bad guy. Maybe it's just that it feels super awful knowing you're responsible for someone else's tears and it's just so awful you don't know how to be brave and face it. Say sorry. But there's a limit on sorry's that anyone can give. That I can give. To the point where sorry's just do not matter anymore. It counts more what I do from here. But I'm coward who's just going to continue doing everything she was doing before. It's okay to be a coward sometimes right? To be afraid. Yet I love her. I love her more than my own life and if given the chance, I'd probably prove it as an article headline but right now, I. Just. Feel. Absolutely. Terrible.
And that's it.
I know I'll be okay later. I know she'll be okay later. We'll both be. I know that. Which is good.
But when you're in the wrong and you know it...? Me? I pause and stop and think and wonder aggravatingly what else I could have said, how else I could have said it, and what I'm going to do from here. She deserves that, at the very least, from me. Consideration and thought. I love her.
The whole point of this post isn't to ask you, the reader for advice. This isn't written so that I can prove to myself that I'm not exactly the "bad guy" here. This wasn't written even to make myself feel better.
I'm writing here to record a bit of who I am. Maybe it might resonate with someone which will be nice but... it's just my thoughts. How I feel. I needed this. I needed to write or I would have cracked.
Don't worry. I haven't cracked yet. *sigh*
Hope this finds everyone well! The 7th of July. YEP IM A DRAMA QUEEN WELPPPPPP
Your drama llama queen,
Ngoc
P.S. YEP STILL FEELING PLENTY AWFUL EVEN AS I FINISH THIS R.I.P.
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