Episode 65: easy, peaceful love

I have a very thick episode that compiles a lot that I learned about romantic relationships these past few years -- it's in the works. At least, through the lens of a straight cis-female. C'est moi. Ha. But I decided to publish this one first. A smaller one. May you have a chilly cup of lactose-free milk to enjoy this episode with.

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[Link to voice-recorded version of this episode... because, what the heck :) - Ngoc's Voice]

You know what I really want?

Easy, peaceful love. 

No games. No anxiety. 

I wouldn't have to guess a thing. I'd know. Something in me, something deep would feel safe. Protected. Valued. Prioritized.

Getting to know each other. It would feel so easy. So warm. Agh. It'd be so easy that it'd feel like speed. Our nervous, curious energies clasping for one another. Wishing to learn more. And at every step of the way, caught in awe. Awed by each other's very existence, presence, energy. How do his laughs out loud sound like? What things would he willingly suffer to achieve? What goes on in that beautiful, perhaps chaotic mind of his? Would he enjoy "Monty Python: The Holy Grail" as much as I do? 

I say easy. Easy, because that's what the best love feels like to me. Easy to smile. The ease of deeply enjoying each other's company and craving more because being with them feels like I'm understood and that they'll always seek to understand. How easy it is to say it all, to share, build on each others stories, values, ideas. Almost endlessly.

Like breathing. 

Like air. 

Not a care. 

No anxiety. No fears. Peaceful. And if there are fears, there's a haven in one another to admit it, work with it, and move forward.

Easy, because there's reciprocation. His energy matches mine. I emit my truest form, who I am, and he's there, matching me back. There I am. In awe again, at that awesome amount of reciprocation. At his energy. haha. 

I'm a skilled conversationalist. Most of the time, I know what to say and when to say it. I can work with any room; let me in. I can lighten, deepen, or fluff it up. Nothing makes my heart skip faster than to speak with someone who knows the rules like I do. Who knows the words too. The dance. The truest words to bring comfort, ease, or joy. Not just any words.

They know the true words. The kind that come from deep. It's because they've been there before.

They've been where the words were. 

Or they've needed those very words once. 

That wisdom. That insight. Agh.

This person would come to me as a package of his own. 

I would never ask for perfection. Just someone who understands. Who wants to understand. Who's aware of the weight of his words and actions. Who is genuinely kind and thoughtful when no one's looking. 

Easy. Easy when I meet him because it wouldn't be chance. Luck has no chance here.

We each made our choices to be who we want to be. Where we want to be. Through a series of choices, we led each other to each other. Not coincidentally. 

We each did our work. However complete or incomplete that work is until we find one another, we are in awe of each other's creations. Our histories. Those fork-in-the-roads and what did you do after? 

I can almost hear myself say, then. When. 

"You amaze me. Inspire me.

I can't believe I've just hugged you now.

I wonder what your thoughts are about... haha."

Our actions match our words. We'd want and choose each other lots.

Easy, peaceful love.

I'll have you one day again. 

Maybe not soon. 

But whenever that is or whoever you are. Maybe we've already met.

I'll be here, and you, my fellow reader, let's live it up.

Easily. Peacefully.

Why Wait for Cake?

Don't wait ever.

Not for cake.

Pandan cake. 

Young coconut strips in its center.

Cream light and fluffy. 

Perfect sweetness. 

Simpleness. 

This cake doesn't live anywhere. 

Le Duc Bakery gets it right. 

This cake belongs at my future grad school graduation, 30th birthday, wedding, my 100th blog episode mark, heck.

Smother my face with it. I can sleep sniffing it forever.

Dr. Seuss wrote about green eggs and ham.

The world needs a book starring green pandan cake. 

I could eat it

for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack.

I could.

I shouldn't but I could.

Let me live out one day like this. 

I know I'd get the jizzies the entire day and my blood sugar would forever be fucked up.

I wonder if one day, I would.

Life is too short to wait for Le Duc's pandan cake. 

Buddhas. qUIVErrING in hEAvEN.

And you know what's ridiculous?

Pandan is spellchecked by my blog to be incorrect.

Eff this.

Color this world in green, because from outer space,

Earth's blue is the ocean.

Earth's green, though, is 100% pandan. 

p.s. more nonsense with ngoc :P

Episode 64: A Miracle in the Mundane

This evening at 5 PM, I received a call from someone totally unexpected. Moments before, I had finished eating dinner with Yen, a meal of scallion pancakes and Vietnamese hu tieu. I then moved into my childhood room to study. Sitting before my laptop, fingers poised to open my Econ homework readings, already tired, when at the corner of my eye, my silenced phone was glowing. A call. 

I never pick up phone calls from numbers I don't know. For some reason, I felt that I had to tonight. "Give this number a chance, Ngoc," my phone seemed to scream. "Ha what the heck. Let's."

I slid the green button to receive the call and a voice, so familiar yet so far away asked "...Hello?"

My body responded. A flood of nostalgia, disbelief, and joy rushed through me.

No hesitation. Not one thought. I leaned forward, my eyes wide.

"Ms. Drew?!" I asked. "Is this Ms. Drew?!"

"Oh my gosh....YES it IS!"

"I'm going to cry. Ohmigod ohmigod," I said. The edge of tears rimmed my eyes. I would've burst into a million little flames had I not gripped my phone as tightly as I did.

"Me too ahhh!!," Ms. Drew responded.

Ms. Drew isn't just anyone. She was my 5th grade science teacher. One of the kindest, loveliest individuals that changed my life. I don't say any of this lightly. 

Out of all the classes I had in my elementary years, I looked forward to hers the most. Fat round roaches and walking sticks on display. Videos and presentations she shared. She brought the world to her classroom. Fun, group assignments where I got to learn about waves, rocks, and motion. Enough time at the end of class to catch up with friends. Ahh and that one time we got to dissect owl poop. 0_0 Effing awesome. Making goo and doing a rollercoaster challenge where each kid had a piece of... plastic wrap?? to hold and continue it in a line and make sure the ball rolled all the way from the first to the last student. I loved that day. I want a time machine right now. Take me back, gods.

Take me back to the time when things were simpler. No credit scores. No GPAs or ranks. No FAFSAs or realizing glycerin was pig fat so you quit eating peach rings altogether. The only rules were green, yellow, and red. The worst thing to happen to you was when you're "it" on the playground or someone pushes you down the ramp because you took too long fearing the height haha. The best thing to happen was when you got to be Glenda from "The Wizard of Oz" for a school play in a too-tight fluffy white dress, waving a wand that was really a beautifully designed fly swatter (I'm not kidding. It was a freaking awesome wand). 

Ms. Drew was there too, in Drama Club. ^-^ Ms. Drew was the kind of teacher that welcomes you to class and you feel like a million bucks. Kids would think, "Ms. Drew is the easy class!"  What they really meant is it was the class most of us enjoyed. You could walk up and talk to her about anything and she'd respond with this happy happy voice, ask more questions. She always wanted to know more, as if she couldn't have known enough. I remember not speaking with her as often as I wanted to. Instead, I'd watch as other kids talked to her about anything; a pet they loved, a show they're watching, a crush they may or may not have. Receiving any attention from her was incredible. She knew how to make you feel whole. Like you were enough. You didn't have to work any harder or be any more impressive for her to love you with all her heart.  

Her love is like basking in the sun. The sound of waves not far off. Your t-shirt and shorts moving softly with the wind. This warmth. Wholeness. It would be rare later in life that I would feel this again from a mentor figure. To hear her voice again on the phone tonight... made me want to capture it in a bottle. Ready to open, be played, and instantly, I'd be reminded again what it meant to be loved like that by someone other than family haha. No conditions. No rules. Just peace.

Can we all get a little peaceful love in here? Let's GOOOO. 

She would later support me, every step of the way as I won our elementary school's spelling Bee, made it past... was it district?... and went on our local PBS Spelling Bee. She would drive along with Ms. Summerlin. Together they waited for hours, anxious and not proud of me any less when I messed up on round 2, on Live TV.

I... you never forget the spelling bee word you messed up on. Never. 

I spelled "boutique" instead of "batik." PFTHAHA -- long sighs. 

She was there. To hug me after. "It's okay gosh." She was there to hug me at our fifth grade graduation ceremony. I wish then, my 12-year-old self knew to memorize it all. Memorize the beauty that was my youth. Memorize the people who supported and pushed me every step of the way. 

Hey. At least I memorized her by her voice. Just from one "Hello?" 8 years later.

Ms. Drew. 

Receiving a call from my 5th grade science teacher just made my entire decade. I couldn't breathe or believe. And gosh, the fact that she had tried an old house number of mine before getting to my cell. Wow. She really... I really miss her.

Alas. This was-

A miracle on a mundane day. Such such a mundane day.

Could not have been more mundane than today. The way I moved from zoom class to zoom class. Gazed out at the small garden. Took sips of water when I remembered to hydrate. 

Her call was a sign. 

That despite the lull in my life right now. Fine. That's an exaggeration. A lull in the past few weeks haha-- despite that, there's so much incredible that makes this simple life of mine so damn amazing.

It's a reminder that good things can still happen.

And they can happen to all of us. ^-^

I hope they happen to you too. Wait. 

They will happen. Great things. Great people. May they come into your lives, comfort you, and not that they may stay there forever, but the imprint they'll leave on our lives... 

May that imprint stay forever.

Here to stay as long as this blog is alive,

Ngoc

P.S. Let it be known that on cinco de mayo-- my fifth grade teacher called meeee. 5.5.5. 

P.P.S. Speaking of elementary, it was a mess. I worked really hard ohmigod, I worked hard all the dang time. I was this ultra-ambitious child geez and it was because my parents made sure I never forget all the sacrifices made, all the other Vietnamese kids who didn't get to immigrate to the US-- I had to look down, realize my privilege. Do nothing but succeed. "You have every means to. And if you don't, you're a joke," was the general feeling I knew to internalize. At the time that meant good grades naturally. Fun fact: I was also the only Asian student in a predominantly Hispanic elementary school. Ironic, because it would be many years later that I would discover elotes en vaso. Many years too late. I missed OUT. 

The prices have risen since. Used to be 2.50. Now it's 3.00 per cup :(( Then again, I wonder how much they'd cost years from now, when I've graduated from Smith or hold my first job or brave grad school or brave something. I wonder. Damned inflation.

Episode 63: Her Left Knee and the Concrete

More knee updates from la Ngoc.

Jog. A harder jog. It still quivers from lunges BUT.

Jog I did, in the middle of the road. Concrete. Cloudy sky. Back and forth countlessly until I was sure that if I didn't stop, my knee would give out.

I smiled too much between the hard breaths. Grinning like a fool. Hoping no car would run me over and spot my bright yellow, cheese-head?? pajama shirt in time to hit the brakes. My polite neighbor staring and waving at me as she got her mail. PSY's and IU's "All You Need is Love" in my ears, pushing me forward. A rhythm to jog harder to. 

"Hey, could we speed it up? Oh god we can?! Could we go faster?... faster? come on left knee...

I trust you." 

A bit faster until I max out and the knee feels the impact enough to register it as pain. But painless. Most of it was painless. And.

Capable. I'm feeling capable again. Gosh, I'm still working my way up to trusting my body, trusting my left knee.

One day. I can sprint again. 

To imagine that day... god. 

<33333 makes my heart beat so fast. To be back to almost 100%. Quads and hams so strong, you'd need a hammer to break me. Which isn't strong enough at all. 

So, new goal: Be strong enough to challenge a car. haaaaaa (i said what i said)

Seriously though. I can't stop thinking about jogging on the road ever since. I never ever want to be injured again but perhaps it's bound to happen. For now, I'm happy that I have all it takes to get back to the me from before.

Wanna go skydiving? Heck yeah. My knees can handle it.

Wanna rock climb? Yup, the knees can handle.

Marathon? Si.

The scars from the surgery are still here. Perhaps for the rest of my life, but I've learned so much. Just some battle scars to remember this past year's growth with. :)

But also remember the amount of big sad :(( 

Thank god for elevators and wheelchairs and ramps thank youuuu

Blessed and obsessed,

Ngoc

P.S. remember to hydrate and poo lots okay? healthy poops :D

P.P.S. Yes, Tonia is pooping healthy poops to those who have asked. ;)

P.P.P.S. Just so grateful to be in a much better space than episode 47. Sometimes, when I think about my slow progress, I remind myself of where I was half a year ago, 10 months ago. 14 months ago. I reread 47 and feel all of that growth. Buddha. The knee is still in the works. This beautiful body of mine is still in the works and I love it every step of the way. Even when it couldn't take any steps at all. To now, when it could. And one day, very big steps, even leaps. ^-^

Episode 62: Patooting (4/22/21)

I took too many breaks today, folks. 

I don't feel bad. At all. Just peace. HA.  

Okay that was hippy-like but-I-digress. Or digest. The bulgogi fries I just had. 

*much yum. agh. my brain, my tummy, the tip of my nose was singing with every bite*

You ever feel like wanting a quick flush to the cheeks? Euphoria?

Eat something good.

I knowwww. I gotta take care of myself. Gotta get that strong bod. So something good AND delicious it is. okie. sounds like a big plan.

This evening, instead of making way through pressing assignments (so time-sensitive they will blow me off the earth and bust open my plush), I attended office hours, scrapped up all the help I could get andddd then I played so much mobile League. Really putting it out into the universe tonight how bloodthirsty I truly am. YES. I am bloodthirsty. And YES. Chopping off champions hits in all the right spots.

Just slay. Slay. All the dang day. My fingers hovering over the auto-attack. My left thumb just a little pinker than before from all the pushing and running away (yes. Thats how noob I am..;() My mouth a stream of too-fine-for-wine insults if I'm ever first blood. God, did I ever tell you how embarrassing it is to die first in League? And it's just announced so every player knows my name? "First Blood *insert champion I'm playing*" AGGG It's so stupidly embarrassing. AGGGGG.

It's embarrassing to dieeee.

Then again. This is probably just practice. For... the real thing. 

GEEZ NGOC WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO DARK WHO HURT YOU 

I-- 

I don't know haha. 

Today, I took a lot of breaks. So. Playing league was one of them.

And then eating bulgogi fries with Yen while watching one of the saddest, most wild, crazy, incredible, DEEP Korean dramas I've ever seen. The World of the Married.

In the past 12 episodes I've seen. I have never. Ever. Laughed. Once. 

Ever. Never have I ever not laughed during a Korean drama. Yet despite this fact, it is one of the best dramas I've ever seen. The politics. The way it strips marriage of everything I've ever known. Cuz dam. DANG. Divorces!! Now I'm forever scared I might marry a cheater. I'm not even married. I don't even know if he'll cheat. I don't even know who he is. I don't have a he to be cheated by. "Oh hush up Ngoc. Stop sad-patooting."

Dear fellow reader, do you ever just read one of my episodes and wonder how. Or why. Or what. Is Ngoc. I too confuse myself. I wonder where I’m going or doing or saying or what I want. I say things. 

To quote a friendly friend of mine: “You say thingssz. *pfthaha* ..,” Miriam 2019-2021. 

Amen. 

Tonight, my break went on for much longer. 

After digesting the fries and the Kdrama, Yen tiredly said that her eyes were hurting and strained and she doesn’t want to look at another screen. 

“Get up. Let’s go outside. Mhm.” I pushed her out into the night air. The wind blowing our ponytails. We walked around in circles, petted Tonia countlessly, and leaned against the side of a car as we talked on and on. College, should she go to one in a city? Are there Jiujitsu gyms nearby for her? How uncertain life is. We work to live don’t we? And we live to work... professionalism is just one big filter over who you really are. I stole her slips and gave them back to her. How you can fool yourself into enjoying anything. Almost, anything. Uncertainty makes life more fun :)) we laughed and kicked and chased each other until my mom went outside to check on us. And we returned inside, immediately to our house chores. 

I love Yen lots. The past few days have felt monotonous and sad hah but with her, I can escape. I can feel freer. There’s no one on earth that knows me better than she does. She’s seen the best and the worst in me. And I’ve seen the best and worst in her. Yet we still choose each other everyday. She’s my best friend. My friend for life. And I just hope I can grant her the one thing that would make her happier about our future is... that I’m strong and healthy enough to die after her. It’s silly and sad but in that way, I can give her the best way to die which is me by her side. I’d always have memories of her in my heart if I were to go after her. I don’t know if I can bear it. Wtf am I doing writing about my sister’s death and trying to die after her? Dam. 

I don’t think I have it in me to die before her and live in her memories like that. But nothing’s promised. It’s all one big uncertain bubble. Things change. Grow and go. :( *long sigh*

Tonight when I talked to her, I felt so seen. All the loneliness that I had harbored deep in my heart were felt no more in those moments. When I can just be with someone so deeply, and seen and loved, all it takes is one person. 

I’m still not doing well with loneliness but god is it so much better when I simply looked at what I have. Bulgogi fries. Good company to eat it with. League. And Love. 

After spending that time with my sister, I sat before the piano and played a karaoke song that my sister and I have loved for years. It’s a sad Vietnamese ballad. “Tim Lai Bau Troi” by Khac Viet. Which means “Finding Your Sky Again.” Yup it’s a break up song I knowwww but god it’s so beautiful. 

Such awesome karaoke material. 😂🥺

I can play the entire song. Yen is learning it on the guitar and it sounds so much better on the guitar lowkey. For now, I can play its intro, chorus, the whole thing, and sing along. God. Tonight was lovely doing that. I can lose myself in the same song for hours, especially this one. In the future, I’d love to have my own music room if I could afford it. A piano. It doesn’t have to be a fancy one. An old one would do. On the other side of the room is a cello. And just spend my hours in there playing new and old songs over and over again. Belt my voice at the top of my lungs even if I can’t quite sing. And then my hot hubby enters with a warm cup of milk tea despite my lactose intolerance and kisses my forehead. I’d lean in and he’d stay to listen and sing along with me. Then Yen would come in and say something like “EWWW GET A ROOM WEIRDOS” and sit on my lap, obstructing my view of the keys. She’d start to bang random notes or my fingers to purposefully create more chaos. Yen = Chaos. She’d giggle while I smack her to get off. Yes, I am describing a completely grown-ass woman version of Yen. She'd do that to me. I know it. :I As this scene unfolds, I imagine someone’s kid, probably not mine, wobbles in and tips over the cello. 

It’s not too good to wander to the future but that would be happy wouldn’t it? To be somewhere where Yen can visit me and visit me often. That we could even live together. My life isn’t complete without her, yet a part of me wanders on about careers that could send me far off. A diplomat? U.S. Department of State? Is this even a good path for me? Gosh, how I’d enjoy visiting the world and doing nothing but policy and IR all the time and all the stories I'd have to tell. It would be incredible. But yen and mom wouldn’t be there. 

I wonder how people chose their dreams when so often, we’re tied and loved by our family and friends. Not tied in a bad way necessarily. Just... so deeply connected it's hard to imagine life without seeing them as often as you'd like. After college, it’s a move to the next job. Yet because of that move, we potentially leave our loved ones. Is it worth it? To succeed without them? Without them there to support me and be with anytime I’d like? 

I once traveled to NYC and DC alone. Exploring these two cities like a tourist. An 18 year old alone in DC. 19 and alone again in NYC.  Yes, I met incredible people but despite the incredible that surrounded me. Nothing felt like home. Nothing felt like Texas. Nothing felt lonelier than to be in a jaw-dropping place and not have your best friend with you. 

I’ve been told to chase my dreams. I've been convinced that my dreams were my own. They are and they can be. But dreams are realized together. My dreams cannot happen without years of sharing the same kitchen table, back and head rubs from my mother, "you need me to get you some Midol? :(", . I wonder how I can do that limitlessly if that might mean not being with my friends and family. Life would be meaningless without them. What would make life meaningless for you? 

I just... want to be happy. To support my family. Buy them a house. A motorbike that reminds us of Vietnam. Afford us tickets to anywhere on the globe. See my mother smile as she looks out at the beautiful hills and forests around her, the kind that reminds her of home. The dangerous past she left behind. Tons and tons of bird nest noodles for my Dad, ha. And an almost infinite supply of stickers and stationary for Yen and maybe, but I'm sure never enough, to bribe Day6 to not disband for the next 50 years hahahaha. 

My simple wish to be happy. Is it simple? Is it really? Why does it feel complicated then? 

Why am I afraid? Why does it feel like I'd be living to work? Years dedicated to something I thought was meaningful that just might be meaningless. 

Meaning is whatever power we choose to give something. Power over us. Over our ideals. Our time. Meaning strong enough to allow us to sacrifice something else to achieve its means.

The Means. Mean. Meaning. 

This is me, you see, drifting. Drifting into the beautiful, wild, chaotic world that is my mind. 

I love my brain. * self-brain pats * Give yourself some self-brain pats too. Our brains do so much. Our brains are us. Gee. 

Hey. Maybe there's not a lot of comfort to be found around me or you. But what we do have, what you have, is the brain you used to read this episode of mine. The eyes (if you have them welp is okieee if you don't but gosh if you don't, that's incredible. Wow. Who's voice is reading my blog episode to you? Definitely not mine :P) to sift through my words. Make meaning out of them.

One of my greatest friends shares her love by sharing her music to me. I'd like to do that today. 

I find comfort in good music. A Random Link to a Happy Place should send you there. To comforting words. A comforting voice. Comforting promises. A space to rest your head after a long day.

"Even if I stop like this and take a break sometimes... When this rain stops, I can smile again."

This rain will stop. Wendy reminds me, with her... soft, sweet voice, that there is peace. We can find it, even when it's seemingly evading us. Or impossible to find. Things may never be okay. But there is a little space, a little space somewhere, just for you to fall back into that plushy couch, your legs propped up. Small rays of sun falling on your lap where your hands are. Resting. I hope you find what brings you peace. 

I'm sending you waves of comfort. And a recommendation to play ARAM on League and slaughter lots of champions. That adrenaline rush, even if you're first blood, is abso-tutely ahmazing. 

Thank you rando, lovely, spicy reader. 

I see you. 

Bless,

Ngoc and all her wack and attempts to hug (or ahem to violate physical space of) her readers

P.S. this episode was chaos. wow. cheese. i had crab rangoons everyone. today was the best day. agh.

P.P.S. I said what I said. You're spicyyy. And lovelyyy. ^-^

Episode 61: Lonely Looking at the Moon

I'm hecking hecking lonely right now. I feel so deep down lonely. It's raw. It hurts. It makes me choke, slows me down, makes me want to claw at my own skin so I can feel something. I've managed to push the feeling out of my system through distraction upon distraction for months now. It has returned almighty.

Tonight, I just can't push it back anymore. 

I have friends. I have people I can reach out to. But I really miss what it feels like to have a partner. I miss feeling understood and embraced in ways that friendships and family can't quite fulfill. I've had the chance to meet some incredible people. Each have taught me incredible things but I... something's always missing. I miss the damn butterflies. I miss the innocence of it all. I miss feeling wanted and surprised. I miss the idea of randomly calling someone. I'd hear his voice. And all is warm. All is well. 

Clearly, I'm just romanticizing romance right now, haha. However, deep down, my crave for partnership is stemming elsewhere. I just want to be in a healthier space. Doing remote learning for over a year now has messed me up. I'm only ever at home or at physical therapy. Having to ask for parents permission on everything -- going out to see friends, simply going out at all. I distract myself out of loneliness by busying myself with something, anything. I just want to be in a healthier space. Surrounded by my college friends again, in personnnn. Inhabiting a stronger, healthier body. 

But god this loneliness is just eating me inside-out. My productivity has plummeted. My motivation dry. I've given myself so many breaks for the sake of mental health. My friends remind me to be kind to myself. It's sweet of them and I have tried my best to be kind to myself. The next question is how much self-kindness is kindness until it's overindulgence? Ha. 

Despite the stagnation I feel in my life, I do have a great urge to make things happen. I try to. I always do. But almost always, my speed is turtle-like. 

I'm a wisp, a ghost of who I once was. And I know it. 

Loneliness is scientifically deadlier than any other disease. It's painful. And I'm trying... I wonder how I'll be. How better I'll be once I try to be better for myself. 

My mental and physical health have been strung along with my loneliness. I want to be better. To feel better. Healthier. Where is my motivation then? Where has it gone? 

I just feel so alone tonight. I looked up at the moon a few hours ago and usually, the sight of it brings me absolute joy. I'd stand in the darkness in awe. A promised grin on my face. Tonight, I felt nothing. Blank. And that scares me. So much. 

Where's that excited girl? Where has she gone? 

Lost to the lake of loneliness, hm? Uninspired? Nothing surprises? Blank blank in a blink blink.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'll get help. Professional help heh. But in the case Smith Counseling Services can't serve me, I'll make do otherwise. In other ways. Somehow... and if not... I don't know. I just know that it hurts. This hurts, a lot. 

If you're reading this and you're thinking, "geez, this girl just writes when she's a sad potato," then you'd be the perfect candidate to reach out to me. Say hi. 

Tell this lonely girl that she will be okay. It's both a lie and not a lie but it's comforting nonetheless. That she's doing her best... 

I have to move. My life has to move. Life is too short not to move. I only have so many years on Earth. And I don't want to spend so many months of it stuck. Or years of it in the same place. 

I just want joy. 

Peace. And friends to drink warm milk tea with. Bulgogi fries. A song that brings me there.

Comment your song recs if you have any, my fellow reader. 

I'm just not okay right now. Agh. I'm at a state of "I'm not okay but I have to get shit done." 

And I hate this.

Love,

Ngoc

P.S. Ngoc's thoughts, continued. At length. At random. At ish.

"I want to hear someone's voice through the phone. Something he said made me feel safe and warm and fuzzy. Something I said made him laugh wondrously. Gah. Gosh. I want this again. And where is he? When will I meet someone that being with, makes me feel all the ways again?"

"Eff it. Fuck it. Ngoc, go rest. And wander. Then maybe, maybe you'll be okay. Put your ish aside for another day because clearly today isn't it. But then, when will be it? When will you be okay again? Things can't be pushed aside forever."

"I want to return to Jordan and sit in Ivanna's creaky chair again. I want to be freshly clean after borrowing her shower and Australian soap line. Singing along to an American pop playlist and seriously not getting any work done. How incredibly considerate, loving, and ~seeing~ she is. She deeply wants to take care of you even at her inconvenience :("

"I want to bike to Jillian's where we'll swap stories. Stories and opinions and tips and tricks I never ever considered. We'd laugh about something silly and I'd never want to leave. If I do, I'd leave feeling so whole. So loved. Heck."

"Manal. The way she makes me laugh. One look at her. Or from her. And I'd feel seen. We're way too in sync, what the heck. God. I want her. But dammit Manal, you're studying abroad for an entire year agggg"

"Where's Lucy when you need her? That reassuring, wise-wise girl. I want to squeeze you so bad. * ultra squeeze many squeezes all the squeezes I love you Lucy dammit *"

"Thank god I'll always have Faith. I'm so glad so glad she's returned but I so badly want to see her again. The way she thinks about the world. The way she sees relationships. Deep and wise. I'm a cheese and she's okay with it. Pft."

"Elise... penpalling her. Calling her. Running into her in our blue house. Thank you for the melt-in-your-mouth chocolates. The way we vibe, talk about books, boys, and all things deep-- she makes me want to run alongside her, wherever she's going."

"Deep down I miss Charlie too. Our friendship when we had it. Your support and enthusiasm and insights. I miss you man."

"Natalie. You always, always had the words for any situation. An avid supporter, hecking social influencer. Your love of pizza unrivaled. I love pizza more because you did. I'd do a lot to sit in the same room with you again and feel that safe, warm feeling with you, you sweet sweet soul."

"I want to study with Allison. best study partner ever. The CC and you and me and a late night coffee milkshake that you support me on. Even if it's questionable if I'll be able to sleep that night. You'd do anything, join anything for your friends. And I miss you desperately."

"Nina can turn any cloudy day into a sunny one. Count on her to say something wild, something true, and crack you up. A smile-maker through and through. That energy, my lord."

"I want to listen to Elle talk about that deep thing again. Comfort. Elle is a wave of comfort pushing against my tired shores. sighhh"

"Miriam. You, me, and a Borat film to finish even as we're choking on our water, coughing up blood as we watch whatever silliness we found on the internet again. I feel real with you. I miss the way being with you makes me feel so whole. One whole Ngoc. Who's always laughing, grinning with you. *oooh you can really danceee*"

"I want to be encased in a group hug that would take forever to get out of."

"I miss being so supremely distracted at Smith, that I almost never felt any loneliness. The moment a sliver was felt, a new plan is made. Miss Saigon's crab rangoons to race to. A UMass event to attend. Too busy to think of loneliness. So loved it never crossed my mind."

Out of Ngoc's Vault: Middle School Reunion - 2/10/19

Below is one of 15 drafts in my blog. An episode I had started back in February 10th, of 2019. Haha. Enjoy with my tears O_O 

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Yeah. It's been four years since I've last seen most of them. It was both exciting and really really sad.

I'd like to think that I've been pretty dang honest about everything I've shared thus far through this blog. However, maybe I haven't said this yet. Maybe I have. But. The reality is that middle school absolutely sucked for me.

Oh. Yeah. I remember now.

YES. YES, I DID SAY THAT ALREADY. 

Hahahaha... wow. so many ellipses today... gosh this is gonna be a pretty dank episode.

And for those of you who actually went through middle school with me, it's going to be slightly awkward as I bash middle-school me. Ye-up.

Well. Let's start with the reunion itself, shall we?

The reunion was yesterday, Friday. My Dad was unwilling to drive me there and back home "because it's tooo far :I" so I ended up carpooling with a close friend of mine there. However, her mom was really late which made everyone anxious. It made me anxious. It made her anxious. And not only that, she and I waited out in the cold for over an hour before the police officer noticed us shivering in the cold. Me, in my very thick coat and knee-length boots. And her in slip-ons and hands wrapped in a makeshift glove I made from a shirt I wore that day. Because. It. Was. Freezing.

Then we spent half an hour inside the warm school before her mom arrived at the gate. We were late by 45 minutes! Personally, I felt fine. I was excited and giddy, sure. But a part of me couldn't help but feel as if I'll never fit into the three years I call middle school. Three of the most imperfect years of my life haha.

And maybe I never will. Sure. I'm doing much better now, of course, thank the heavens. Yet... that middle school reunion solidified all doubt and along with it, slaughtered any hope that I'll ever fit into Rogers. Ever. 

It's not Rogers' fault.

It's not my fault either that I feel this way.

It's no one's.

Maybe Rogers and I were never meant to fit together in the first place.

Or maybe fitting isn't even the right word... I just never became accustomed to Rogers' atmosphere. A part of me wishes I was. Had I tried harder. Had I fought harder. 

None of it matters now. At the end of the day, Rogers gave me someone important to my life. Someone that challenged and shaped me and was patient with me. Someone I would keep searching the crowd for...

***
Entering the reunion with my friend, I saw the trees, the entrance that we went through every day for three years, the same faculty that cheered me on and, of course, saw me eat alone for months in 6th grade when I opted out of society because it was a shock to me that I was going to school with kids that  were so confident and affluent and bright. I felt so different then. Unable to find similarities. Immobile in fear. Immobile I was, for years.

All of these memories flooded back, colored in pinks and yellows. I felt happy. I felt happy to be back to the piece of me that I wanted to forget. Funny right? Haha. But it's true.

Before I knew it, I saw my teachers standing there in the cafeteria. I saw my principal. And I saw my classmates. Feeding on that giddiness, I was rushed with a warm hug from one of the coolest girls I knew back then. Shortly after, she let go and made a beeline for my friend, hugging her much tighter and more excitedly--- just the way that I imagined I'd be hugged at the reunion. That night, I felt... hm. Not that I was left out. But that I would never fit in...

I had too many acquaintances at Rogers.

Where were my best friends?

I searched the crowd for her. The girl that I created our peanut man comics with, a feather floating above his head. A paper comic that I had sold to Antonio for a dollar as a joke. The girl that waited for me in line and laughed along with my crude jokes. The girl that egged me on, whenever I felt unconfident or scared: "Ngoc, it's okay," she would say with her beautiful smile, "you. got. this!!" The girl that filled our summers with Teen Titan memes and fanfiction. I missed that girl. I loved that girl. Haha, not romanticallyyyy youknowme comeon.

I... welp. I don't even know where this episode is going again. It's one of those episodes that you write in a rush. There's so much to say. So much of a mess inside my head.

I'm going to attempt to simplify what I feel by saying this: how I felt leaving Rogers... it felt like one big green blob that constricted my breaths. The blob grew. It was a sum. And whatever sum it was... it hurt. A lot. (I don't know where I'm taking this metaphor. help)

That night, I felt lost. I felt sad, sad for my younger self that she wasn't brave back then. Sadder still that there are things I'll never get to have in those three imperfect middle school years.

Rogers wasn't always terribly unhappy though!

I certainly had my highs. Simple moments that make my heart smile. Hanging out in homeroom with a girl that I felt so damn free with. Whenever Antonio accurately counted down the time to when school ends -- his trusty trusty watch. My Taylor Swift's "Mean" lyric video that I spent hours making at the library geez. Any time when I'm in gym class - effing loved gym and gee, perhaps a little too much because of a stupid crush. Alas. Badminton with Yuji. Hugs from Hailey. Getting my mile time from 12:50 ish to 9:45 in half a year. I need to get back to that 13 year old version of me. My calves were O_O. Anywho, oh and bus rides with Stephanie, a girl that surprised me on my birthday. A girl that I should have never let go. I loved her too. Reading. All the books I ever read were put to good use later in life -- good goin kid. That bus ride home after Schlitterbaun, sitting next to Evelyn and sharing music. Feelin that magicccc <333 I swear I have an episode written about that evening somewhere in my blog. Maybe search bar "magic bus ride" or something lol. 

Life truly is a ride. Until it ends. :I okieillstopomgaggg imtheworst

P.S. Taylor's Vault. Ngoc's Vault. Clearly, the name is inspired outta sumwhere ;)