Episode 54: Learning to League Again

I didn't have a mouse back then. It was just me, my laptop, and a mousepad when I first downloaded League of Legends in my early years of middle school. 

I wanted to be badass and kill tons of minions and champions but there's only so much badassery that I could manage on a mousepad. :P In the end, I put it off. 

Fast-forward to college! College?!

Ah... ha. My crutches lie under the dining table. My close friend, Natalie, sits next to me, watching League tournaments, as I dig into my plate of mac and cheese. I grew intrigued again, ready for any way to escape my incapable body. 

After expressing my interest in watching it with her, Natalie patiently explained to me as many details of the game as she could. Pausing and unpausing the video match as often as I needed. Drakes. Tanks. Top, mid, and bot. Runes. Aram. Thicker minions?! Thicker minions. After learning so much from her, she was down to play with me a few rounds against bots. 

Lovely girl. Lovely Natalie. 

Together with Natalie and Allison, we played and won and lost. If you sat with us in Chase dining hall in the wee of night, you'd hear our mice clicking quickly, mine awkwardly, our keyboards on fire. Our voices either screaming at success or yelping in disappointment. Sometimes, I would bang the table, leaning myself into my seat disappointedly after being murdered for the 9th time. Dying in League is a matter of pride and it's worse when you're "First Blood". Geeeeee. -_- And sometimes, in the lonely confines of my dorm, I would play several rounds. Practicing with Ashe, hoping I'd get better quickly and die less. Ashe is... so easy to play omg. haha. It's embarrassing that I played with her so often but she was just so intuitive. :P 

By the time Smith kicked us out in March, I had totally forgotten about League. Natalie decided it was best that she transfer to another school. And Allison lived in New Jersey. All I could focus for the rest of the year was healing and keeping myself busy. It felt as if League was a space that I could only share with the friends I had made at Smith, somewhere after dinner at the same table... 

But here I am. In 2021. 

Another great friend of mine Laisha. Laisha and I were calling and talking about what we should do together and League was on the tip of my tongue. I said it quickly and thought little of it yet after hearing Laisha's excitement for it, I was reminded of when I first started League. I was excited to go full speed ahead and teach her what Natalie had taught me. Gosh. Natalie. That girl-woman. Lol so Laisha and I have been playing together, trying for at least once a week. Her schedule keeps her busy taking care of her family the lovely thing, but when we play together, it's so much FUN. We're out here trying to kill champions, pplllllll. So I've got to also thank Laisha for reigniting my love for League. And I must also thank a certain Paul for teaching me some more tricks. Thank you Paul!!

haha, I'm playing with new characters of course. I must admit, I'm back in my old habits of feeling safe with a certain character, Diana. Diana is freaking badass. HECK. Ashe is lit but damn Diana. 

Jayce is so cool but he's wicked hardddd. O__O 

Gee anyways. 

I'm having so much fun. Gaming has always been an outlet for me to release stress. Before loving League again, I would find myself on RWBY Amity Arena, deploying my troops and heroes. Sadly, that game will be discontinued in exactly 4 days when I publish this post.

I would spend 3-4 hours a day if there wasn't anything to do, on RWBY. AHHHH. IM A PSYCHOOO. 

But technically, I spent 3-4 hours today, playing and studying up on League, haha. I'm glad that I'll have League once RWBY is gone. Welp. 

It's fun to be a kid again. To fight and be badass and have Beyonce's Formation as a battle song. Geez. Exhilarating. I feel like I can finally breathe. I feel like I could do anything and technically, kill anything :P I promise I'm not into violence but getting in kills is one of the most satisfying things a noob can have in her bloodstream. 

Perhaps I may have convinced you to download the game? 

Let's spend some time playing today. :) Loosen up a little and settle some biznesssss

Your um good girl,

Ngoccieeee

P.S. Ngoc from the future (4/15) Katarina is freaking BADASS what the actual heck. I'mma go slash everything in my wayyyy <33

Random Update

I'm feeling all shaky, in my soul, my fingers, the tip of my head, after eating seven sweet tarts, three chocolate kisses, and a rice krispie treat.

Today is going to be a great day. 

Episode 53: That Crave

Over a month since I deleted the Facebook app off my phone. Such a simple thing. 

When I had the app, I would spend hours at a time scrolling until I found content that made me feel something. Anything. The butterflies. A good laugh. A good cry. If I stayed longer, I was convinced I would feel something new.

Yes, it's been over a month since the app disappeared from my phone, but my old habits reincarnated in other forms.

I read now, a lot. I read a variety of books. Books that make me feel smarter. Books that make my heart beat wildly. Or make me incredibly sad. Whatever feeling I'm searching for, I have a book for it. I have a song for it. I have a word for it. 

I never feel...full. Never quite. 

Or maybe I do feel full, but whatever fresh feeling I'm feeling eventually goes away. Then very quickly, I'm in search for the next thing.

It's as if at any sign of emptiness, I hurry off. 

Never realizing or appreciating the fullness when it's there. Or, yes, maybe I do appreciate the fullness but I fear every moment and at any sign that it'll dissipate.

Sometimes, I push myself. I wonder if I could feel more full than I usually do, if I were to do something else.

The search for gratification never stops. 

My attention span is much shorter than what it used to be. I'm one sad potato. 

Am I now reduced to what I search to consume? Search to feel? 

In Buddhism, the search for happiness is ridiculous. Happiness is a feeling. Feelings are fleeting. By searching for happiness, we suffer. Ironic, isn't it? We suffer our way towards that feeling. That fleeting ideal. 

And as desperately, we try our best to hold onto happiness for as long as we can. While we're happy, we wonder when it'll leave us. How long will it stay?

The search to feel is a craving. 

If we can cut this craving, and at least for a moment, wanting no more than what we already have, we can achieve a bit of peace. Counting our blessings. Stop the scramble. And exist.

Of course, I'm a hypocrite. And I'll always want to be happy. However, nothing is as secure as peace. But then you could argue that peace is also a feeling? So heck? 

Is it? 

Hm. Haha, I have no answers. Just a jumbo mumbo of thoughts in a pot.

What I do know is when I go outside after a long day, after hours of reading through government homeworks, after playing countless rounds of RWBY arena games on my phone, after exercising my shivering knee (yes, my knee can shiver-- ahhhhh it's weirdddd my friends), I open the front door. I visit my favorite plants. I sniff the refreshing cold air.

And I'm there. 

"There." A moment retrieved and saved. My mind clear. My face up to a sunless sky, or a sunny day, or a starless night, or a night decorated with lights. 

Everything is okay. For a moment. 

Perhaps I'm wrong. Or heck, I'm dead dead wrong. 

Peace is a feeling too then huh? But does it matter? Does it matter if I work my butt off to feel happy? To feel peace? Does it matter if I take deep breaths when I'm angry? 

Woah, oh no, I'm on a loose tangent again. 

It could matter and it could not. What I do know is experiencing peace, opens my heart. It opens my mind. It makes my breaths deeper. My eyes see farther. I feel like I've expanded, somewhere deep.

The beyond. For a bit. 

Sending an itty bitty bigly heart,

Ngoc

P.S. I miss you my friends. You know who you are. :(( :))

Episode 52: Ngoc's Telecoms -- A Detailed History

See, on December 11th 2020, I wrote down this super cool title.

"Ngoc's Telecoms -- A Detailed History"

I didn't leave any notes whatsoever what this episode was gonna be.

I think the Dec-11th-version of myself expected my future self, the Dec-27th-version to get the effing hint. 

I don't. 

But I like the title. A lot. So I'm gonna publish this anyways.

Maybe YOU  should return to this episode one day, give it a few months. Maybe a few years. Maybe I'll have properly updated this rando episode properly with what I originally meant to write. 

That I do, indeed, remember what my adrenaline-filled version, the version of me that was wading through a week of finals was hecking thinking when she wrote "Ngoc's Telecoms -- A Detailed History".

Was she going for trendy? An actual history of how she's communicated? what. was. she. thinking.

hElP

Episode 51: Proof that I Existed

A few days ago, my distant cousin called and asked me to like and leave a comment on her YouTube video. Of course, we're family and so I did. 

She's a nurse. Headstrong. Resilient. And hecking intimidating, ha. She's busy treating Covid patients yet she puts out incredible amounts of time to craft these videos. 

Her YouTube videos felt like a diary into her life. She told me on the phone, "Ngoc, I enjoy making these videos because I want people to watch them and relax with me. And learn something that could to help them decorate their lives." 

Her words felt reminiscent of the "podcasts" I had made when this blog was much younger. Back when I preached on YouTube. Back when I liked posting "podcasts". Back when I thought I was making any sort of difference, when I wanted proof that I had important things to say.

I wanted to feel like I existed. I wanted proof of it. Just as I want proof now, as I craft these words together. 

I'm reading a book: Sapiens, A Brief History of Humankind. Thousands of years we've existed as homo sapiens. There was a time when there were other human species that existed on earth simultaneously but spread out among different parts of the world: homo sapiens, homo erectus, neanderthals, denisovans, and more. Whenever the homo sapiens species went up and spread out, finding themselves in the same areas as the other human species, the other human species were quickly, if not immediately, wiped out. There are several theories to this (a battle for resources, genocide, ect) but the fact is; whenever homo sapiens shared the same territory as another human species, the other human species disappeared.

We have records of the other human species' existences, but as for details into their lives, its gone. 

Homo erectus. Neanderthals. Denisovans. Gone. 

They were and they weren't. 

Reading that hurt my heart. Quick. It helped me realize that I am but one day, I won't be. 

Existence is such a fragile thing. Humans, we strive for meaning, for security, for love, for justice. 

We want so many things, but what will remain, when individually, we disappear? In worst cases, we collectively disappear? What proof is there that we existed?

On a large scale, homo sapiens would leave behind our cars, cement buildings, phones, books. 

Individually, we leave behind memories of ourselves in others. Research papers, love letters we once wrote. Pollution. O_o

What proof do we want to exist? When we're gone.

What proof do I want to exist, when I'm gone? Do I even want proof that I existed? And if I want to leave behind this proof, why? Why do I feel so important? 

Why do I want to feel important? 

What's going to happen to me if I don't feel important? If I feel meaningless? 

If all that I left behind were some memories of myself in someone else's eyes. And those memories would die with them, when they die?

This is ego, isn't it? Hah. 

Gosh.

I promise I'm okay. Just, this book, Sapiens, is really good. I highly recommend it.

Beyond this, maybe it's for the best that I live day-to-day. Cherish life as it is, day-to-day. 

Perhaps, it's not important that I write, or that I create, as a way to leave behind various proof that I existed.

It's most important that I did exist. That I was a happy creature when I lived. Most of the time anyways haha. And that I had things I looked forward to, when I lived. That I loved my life when I lived it.

All my hopes for tomorrow are hopes. Hope is imagination. And so are joint-stock companies, apparently, hehe.

I love you, you stranger reading my blog.

You, reading my blog in this exact moment. You existed. 

I love that. We're all about existence.

But so is living out our existence.

Sending good vibes, hugs, and a copy of Sapiens,

the-girl-who-once-existed-and-did-exist-when-she-wrote-this-blogpost-hi-aliens

The Trial of James Moriarty

Today is one of those days where I

turned the blinds open above my desk to see the gray

shuffled my notebooks to make space

completely missed a meeting I promised to attend

waited until late to start editing a paper I actually care about

spun my phone up, waiting for texts

shoved responsibilities aside, again,

to which I told my mother, "Don't worry! I got it!"

do I?

binged through episodes of My Hero Academia, bowls of rice and tangerines balanced on my lap

swapped stories with my sister about a fictional romance between an old woman who's secretly a bird and a man who makes sure everyone never tans, ever

begged my mother to share more about the men she met before my father

I wonder if I'll have stories like her; the men I'll meet before my husband pft

googled up the salary of a video editor

wondered what being an ambassador might be like

watched the trial of James Moriarty

reminisced

danced to Careless Whisper when my body felt bored

sat here, wrote this.

I miss and I miss and I miss. 

I want and I want and I want.

But on days like this, I feel as if I've done nothing.

Moved nowhere. 

Episode 50: A Moment Memorized

"We really cannot afford this. Can you help me bring this down to... 250? I can do 250."

"No, we can't. You don't have membership with this office, so $350 is the lowest I can go. That's a $25 discount already without membership."

I stumbled through my arguments. Covid-19. My mom is the only one working. 

I stayed in there for another 20 minutes. Dang it Ngoc. You could have bargained harder, I thought, as I left the office defeated. 

My procedure was complicated. I was uninsured. I knew this was the best price I could get for what I needed. sighhh

As I opened the door that led to the waiting area of the dentist's office, I saw my father, waiting inside by the front entrance. I'm 20. I'm an adult somewhat, but seeing his old frame by the entrance, gave me a sense of security. Someone is looking out for me... He looked up at me and in a few quick strides, I whispered to him in Vietnamese, "It's $350. They wouldn't budge past that." He opened the door for me and we walked out together as I discussed what and why the procedure was so expensive. 

At every turn, he nodded with me pensively. Acceptingly. 

I was confused. "You're accepting this price, Dad?" 

He nodded; "if you need it, we'll find a way to pay it. Don't worry, Ngoc," he says as he unlocks the car. 

In my life, I've never seen my father just accept. I've never seen him accept anything without a struggle he saw himself through. He trusted me. His nods, his acceptances was a sign that he was confident that I did my best for what I needed -- it was a big sign. 

A glow in the dark. 

My father's confidence. 

Just as I felt defeated, I felt so much better... 

And then it was to relay this news to my mother who was at work. I gripped the phone and told her about the procedure, and the price as well. 

"You didn't do it already did you?" she asked suspiciously. 

"Of course not! You know I'm too fearful to have it done today heh."

"GOOD!! Good. Smart girl. I raised you right," she said in relief, "I'm going to call a dentist I know and ask them their prices for you too. So we can compare and get this done the right way."

"Haha okay Mom. Thank you so much.... ^_^" In that moment, as I finished the call with my Mom, I don't know why it hasn't hit me before, but I'm taken cared of. HAHAHA OFC MY PARENTS TAKE CARE OF ME. Okay. Hey. I know this episode could have been more profound, but hear my out.

A year away from home, at Smith, and then the past year being at home... I still haven't adjusted in my head that yes I'm "independent" but at the end of the day, my parents have my back. 

I'm coddled in love. 

I'm loved. What the. 

And on the ride home, as my father asked me about the details of the negotiations and how much I needed this procedure, he asked because he cared. My mother eagerly wanted to know because she cared. I tried my best to remember that moment. The way my Dad's back looked against the driver's seat, the way the sun was setting, the feel of my phone -- freshly warm from calling my Mom. This simple moment. 

Those simple moments. Was love. Proven.

Not by some existential out or in rule. Not by geometry theorems and proofs. 

When my Dad drives out to Bellaire to pick up groceries, and without asking my sister or I if we wanted any, he would bring home our boba drinks. 60% sugar. Less Ice. Extra pudding. He made sure to tape the written order in his truck in case "I ever went and thought you guys might want some :)"

When my Mother pushes a hot cup of bitter herb medicine into my hands. "Ngoc, you drink this now and you will thank me 40 years from now. Now bottoms up!" I grimace the entire time.

When it's 1:30 AM and Yen is still asking me, "Ngoc, how's your day?" Heck, girl. That girl loves me even when she's at her last braincell.

Episode 50. Was meant to be profound. It's merely love. 

Back to it. Ngoc.

We're half-way and half-way leads to love. ^_^ 

The truest love. In the simplest things. I hope you'll share my vision, for just a few minutes today, and recall to yourself those simple things done by others that made you feel warm. Cared for. Just... at peace. Because you're loved. Whoever you are. <3 

Sending virtual hugs!!!

Your forever girl,

Ngoc

P.s. EPISODE 50!!!!OHMIGOD. IM HALF WAY TO MY GOAL. AND TO THINK THIS EPISODE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE PROFOUND. I ALWAYS IMAGINED IT WOULD BE MORE PROFOUND. THERE ARE OVER 10 EPISODE 50s. WAITING IN MY DRAFTS. YET THIS IS THE ONE I CHOSE TO PUBLISH. BUT THIS IS PROBABLY the most fitting. Episode. Ever. 

Simple love. <3