Episode 52: Ngoc's Telecoms -- A Detailed History

See, on December 11th 2020, I wrote down this super cool title.

"Ngoc's Telecoms -- A Detailed History"

I didn't leave any notes whatsoever what this episode was gonna be.

I think the Dec-11th-version of myself expected my future self, the Dec-27th-version to get the effing hint. 

I don't. 

But I like the title. A lot. So I'm gonna publish this anyways.

Maybe YOU  should return to this episode one day, give it a few months. Maybe a few years. Maybe I'll have properly updated this rando episode properly with what I originally meant to write. 

That I do, indeed, remember what my adrenaline-filled version, the version of me that was wading through a week of finals was hecking thinking when she wrote "Ngoc's Telecoms -- A Detailed History".

Was she going for trendy? An actual history of how she's communicated? what. was. she. thinking.

hElP

Episode 51: Proof that I Existed

A few days ago, my distant cousin called and asked me to like and leave a comment on her YouTube video. Of course, we're family and so I did. 

She's a nurse. Headstrong. Resilient. And hecking intimidating, ha. She's busy treating Covid patients yet she puts out incredible amounts of time to craft these videos. 

Her YouTube videos felt like a diary into her life. She told me on the phone, "Ngoc, I enjoy making these videos because I want people to watch them and relax with me. And learn something that could to help them decorate their lives." 

Her words felt reminiscent of the "podcasts" I had made when this blog was much younger. Back when I preached on YouTube. Back when I liked posting "podcasts". Back when I thought I was making any sort of difference, when I wanted proof that I had important things to say.

I wanted to feel like I existed. I wanted proof of it. Just as I want proof now, as I craft these words together. 

I'm reading a book: Sapiens, A Brief History of Humankind. Thousands of years we've existed as homo sapiens. There was a time when there were other human species that existed on earth simultaneously but spread out among different parts of the world: homo sapiens, homo erectus, neanderthals, denisovans, and more. Whenever the homo sapiens species went up and spread out, finding themselves in the same areas as the other human species, the other human species were quickly, if not immediately, wiped out. There are several theories to this (a battle for resources, genocide, ect) but the fact is; whenever homo sapiens shared the same territory as another human species, the other human species disappeared.

We have records of the other human species' existences, but as for details into their lives, its gone. 

Homo erectus. Neanderthals. Denisovans. Gone. 

They were and they weren't. 

Reading that hurt my heart. Quick. It helped me realize that I am but one day, I won't be. 

Existence is such a fragile thing. Humans, we strive for meaning, for security, for love, for justice. 

We want so many things, but what will remain, when individually, we disappear? In worst cases, we collectively disappear? What proof is there that we existed?

On a large scale, homo sapiens would leave behind our cars, cement buildings, phones, books. 

Individually, we leave behind memories of ourselves in others. Research papers, love letters we once wrote. Pollution. O_o

What proof do we want to exist? When we're gone.

What proof do I want to exist, when I'm gone? Do I even want proof that I existed? And if I want to leave behind this proof, why? Why do I feel so important? 

Why do I want to feel important? 

What's going to happen to me if I don't feel important? If I feel meaningless? 

If all that I left behind were some memories of myself in someone else's eyes. And those memories would die with them, when they die?

This is ego, isn't it? Hah. 

Gosh.

I promise I'm okay. Just, this book, Sapiens, is really good. I highly recommend it.

Beyond this, maybe it's for the best that I live day-to-day. Cherish life as it is, day-to-day. 

Perhaps, it's not important that I write, or that I create, as a way to leave behind various proof that I existed.

It's most important that I did exist. That I was a happy creature when I lived. Most of the time anyways haha. And that I had things I looked forward to, when I lived. That I loved my life when I lived it.

All my hopes for tomorrow are hopes. Hope is imagination. And so are joint-stock companies, apparently, hehe.

I love you, you stranger reading my blog.

You, reading my blog in this exact moment. You existed. 

I love that. We're all about existence.

But so is living out our existence.

Sending good vibes, hugs, and a copy of Sapiens,

the-girl-who-once-existed-and-did-exist-when-she-wrote-this-blogpost-hi-aliens

The Trial of James Moriarty

Today is one of those days where I

turned the blinds open above my desk to see the gray

shuffled my notebooks to make space

completely missed a meeting I promised to attend

waited until late to start editing a paper I actually care about

spun my phone up, waiting for texts

shoved responsibilities aside, again,

to which I told my mother, "Don't worry! I got it!"

do I?

binged through episodes of My Hero Academia, bowls of rice and tangerines balanced on my lap

swapped stories with my sister about a fictional romance between an old woman who's secretly a bird and a man who makes sure everyone never tans, ever

begged my mother to share more about the men she met before my father

I wonder if I'll have stories like her; the men I'll meet before my husband pft

googled up the salary of a video editor

wondered what being an ambassador might be like

watched the trial of James Moriarty

reminisced

danced to Careless Whisper when my body felt bored

sat here, wrote this.

I miss and I miss and I miss. 

I want and I want and I want.

But on days like this, I feel as if I've done nothing.

Moved nowhere. 

Episode 50: A Moment Memorized

"We really cannot afford this. Can you help me bring this down to... 250? I can do 250."

"No, we can't. You don't have membership with this office, so $350 is the lowest I can go. That's a $25 discount already without membership."

I stumbled through my arguments. Covid-19. My mom is the only one working. 

I stayed in there for another 20 minutes. Dang it Ngoc. You could have bargained harder, I thought, as I left the office defeated. 

My procedure was complicated. I was uninsured. I knew this was the best price I could get for what I needed. sighhh

As I opened the door that led to the waiting area of the dentist's office, I saw my father, waiting inside by the front entrance. I'm 20. I'm an adult somewhat, but seeing his old frame by the entrance, gave me a sense of security. Someone is looking out for me... He looked up at me and in a few quick strides, I whispered to him in Vietnamese, "It's $350. They wouldn't budge past that." He opened the door for me and we walked out together as I discussed what and why the procedure was so expensive. 

At every turn, he nodded with me pensively. Acceptingly. 

I was confused. "You're accepting this price, Dad?" 

He nodded; "if you need it, we'll find a way to pay it. Don't worry, Ngoc," he says as he unlocks the car. 

In my life, I've never seen my father just accept. I've never seen him accept anything without a struggle he saw himself through. He trusted me. His nods, his acceptances was a sign that he was confident that I did my best for what I needed -- it was a big sign. 

A glow in the dark. 

My father's confidence. 

Just as I felt defeated, I felt so much better... 

And then it was to relay this news to my mother who was at work. I gripped the phone and told her about the procedure, and the price as well. 

"You didn't do it already did you?" she asked suspiciously. 

"Of course not! You know I'm too fearful to have it done today heh."

"GOOD!! Good. Smart girl. I raised you right," she said in relief, "I'm going to call a dentist I know and ask them their prices for you too. So we can compare and get this done the right way."

"Haha okay Mom. Thank you so much.... ^_^" In that moment, as I finished the call with my Mom, I don't know why it hasn't hit me before, but I'm taken cared of. HAHAHA OFC MY PARENTS TAKE CARE OF ME. Okay. Hey. I know this episode could have been more profound, but hear my out.

A year away from home, at Smith, and then the past year being at home... I still haven't adjusted in my head that yes I'm "independent" but at the end of the day, my parents have my back. 

I'm coddled in love. 

I'm loved. What the. 

And on the ride home, as my father asked me about the details of the negotiations and how much I needed this procedure, he asked because he cared. My mother eagerly wanted to know because she cared. I tried my best to remember that moment. The way my Dad's back looked against the driver's seat, the way the sun was setting, the feel of my phone -- freshly warm from calling my Mom. This simple moment. 

Those simple moments. Was love. Proven.

Not by some existential out or in rule. Not by geometry theorems and proofs. 

When my Dad drives out to Bellaire to pick up groceries, and without asking my sister or I if we wanted any, he would bring home our boba drinks. 60% sugar. Less Ice. Extra pudding. He made sure to tape the written order in his truck in case "I ever went and thought you guys might want some :)"

When my Mother pushes a hot cup of bitter herb medicine into my hands. "Ngoc, you drink this now and you will thank me 40 years from now. Now bottoms up!" I grimace the entire time.

When it's 1:30 AM and Yen is still asking me, "Ngoc, how's your day?" Heck, girl. That girl loves me even when she's at her last braincell.

Episode 50. Was meant to be profound. It's merely love. 

Back to it. Ngoc.

We're half-way and half-way leads to love. ^_^ 

The truest love. In the simplest things. I hope you'll share my vision, for just a few minutes today, and recall to yourself those simple things done by others that made you feel warm. Cared for. Just... at peace. Because you're loved. Whoever you are. <3 

Sending virtual hugs!!!

Your forever girl,

Ngoc

P.s. EPISODE 50!!!!OHMIGOD. IM HALF WAY TO MY GOAL. AND TO THINK THIS EPISODE WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE PROFOUND. I ALWAYS IMAGINED IT WOULD BE MORE PROFOUND. THERE ARE OVER 10 EPISODE 50s. WAITING IN MY DRAFTS. YET THIS IS THE ONE I CHOSE TO PUBLISH. BUT THIS IS PROBABLY the most fitting. Episode. Ever. 

Simple love. <3

Majors and Minors

10.26.20.

I imagined that it would be one fantastical moment. When everything fits. No further need to search and discover. 

Everything would feel precise. Peace. Clarity. I would throw out my microscope and settle into my couch comfortably. I would look out the window, to the gardens, hands clasped behind my head, leaning back, and hope for nothing more. 

Lol.

What was I thinking?

11.14.20.

I think I'm just going to go for it. 

Even after, I have time to change. I have time to just... feel the liberty of my own two feet and hands beneath me. 

Yes, there's consequences, but as long as I'm excited. And happy. And healthy.

And having a great time in the classes of my major, I will be just just fine. 

I have the rest of my life to figure out the rest.

To configure the rest.

To create the rest of my life story. 

I put too much pressure into thinking that my major defines what doors are open for me. 

They don't... and they of course, can as well, but knowing who I am, I think I got this. 

20 year old Ngoc. Run forward, kid.

Logic 100

I should be doing homework right now. 

Well, it's more of a take-home exam than homework. I am stressed. A little depressed. Beyond obsessed, with procrastinating the giggles out of this exam. 

I am so so afraid of cutting out the next chunk of this exam that I literally spent half an hour filming and refilming a cover of Fly Me to the Moon on my new kalimba. I was more interested in helping my little sister update her instagram penpalling uh, advertisement. I was more interested in slowly enjoying my wonton soup. 

And wayyyy more interested in hanging outside, in the dark, to pet my dog.

I am so afraid of looking at the exam. Because it's from one of my weakest classes.

I wouldn't be afraid if I was confident in it. 

Logic 100.

I am afraid of things I don't know. Or maybe I'm just... afraid of difficulty. What am I?

I freaking love this class, but right now, there are just so many holes in my knowledge that I left unplugged... it's going to be impossible to do well on this exam. 

sigh....

I know I know.. your girl Ngoc is better than an exam. I am. But I'm also better than leaving myself so war-beaten, so happy-go-lucky as to end up here. In this tight spot. 

HAHAHAHA IM BLOGGING INSTEAD OF EXAMMING.

EXAMMING.

IM. A. JOKE. right. nOw. 

Is this panic? Is this delirium?

I suddenly have a huge urge to learn the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song on the kalimba. It's 12:08 AM. 

you know what. I'm just. going to panic-open-books right now.

thank you for making it this far.

the most random not-so-random thought came to my head. 

i haven't seen the guy over a year, but daanish, you are seriously cute. no offense.

My knee is much better too! I jogged for the first time this past Tuesday. In... the past 9 months, my first time jogging. 

IT WAS. AWKWARD. A LITTLE PAINFUL.

But. Beautiful. 

amazing. breath-taking. breath-taking because I haven't jogged for 4 minutes straight for the past 9 months.

breath-taking because i was so focused on no funny business, no falling, staring at my feet, at my knees, in distrust.

I don't trust my left knee yet. 

I'm sorry Left Knee. I love you so much. I can't believe you made it this far Left Knee.

Oh ye Left Knee. Puffy after a long walk. Puffy after one-legged squats. Puffy after PT. 

But never not cute or a beaut are you Left Knee.

-----------------------------------

IMMAMA GO DO MY TESTY TEST. <3 I WUV MY LIFE.

YES, IM 20. YES, IM HAPPY. YES, I WROTE LEFT KNEE POETRY. 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Not-An-Episode Episode **

This is one or 16 drafts in my blog. This specific draft has sat in my blog since March 29th, 2018.

Heck. It's a really cute journal entry I gotta say. Sigh. Back when I was cuter haha.

Enjoy this sillier, more anxious-ridden version of me. :)

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March 29th, 2018

Hi buddies!!

It's your girl Ngoc. And right below was an interesting journal I had written about a certain experience I had, almost one year ago. In April. And gosh, I just happened to stumble upon the entry and realized just how much it resonates with me. Today. When it matters. 

"4/17/17

So its 11 pm. It’s late. Naturally. I need to go to sleep really soon and not stall out here like this.

Somehow I type the good ish at night. When it’s late and the juices flow without thought beforehand.

You know. Sometimes I don’t understand people. They’re hot and then they’re cold. And it’s not like I care too much, well, maybe I do because there’s still that lingering embarrassment that comes from stupid conversations in general.

Sometimes, I just don’t get it. Sometimes, people don’t get me, but when it’s me on the receiving end of the “confusing” stick, it sure is pretty awful. At least, time fades all the ish. It does. And homework. And a nice long jog. I can jog now without too much pain or anything. Or maybe I’m jogging too slowly for pain to be felt. Eh. I need. A good. Explanation. Why can’t people tell other people exactly how they feel? Because we fear? Oh… welp, haha, I just answered my answer. 

So, I’m not talking to him because I’m afraid? I’m afraid of hearing the truth? I’m afraid of hearing what truth though? That he doesn’t like me that way. Or that.... he never will. Hm… why does it bug me so much? Is it because... because… I expect something from him again? Dang it. Because… of that one convo he initiated the first time ever. *sigh*

Now as I’m thinking about this. Maybe I’ve been keeping strings between him and myself just because of the fact that I even confessed to him at all. Honestly, I never really liked him or knew him enough to. Yet the moment that I confessed was the moment I added more weight to my tiny little crush. The moment that all of this confusion and these spiraling hopes began. However, had I not done what I did. Had I not put myself out there like an idiot… I may be a bigger idiot in the future. Who knows? This was preparation. It’s 11:11 make a wish. And my wish is… 'Let me be okay after all of this is over. Let me be okay. And smarter. And wiser.'

Haha.

In the future, when I come to love someone. Someone great by the way. I’ll be smarter. Let’s be friends, before anything else, future-Ngoc's friend."

And that wraps up that random journal entry.