(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 29 - I Saved Myself

Dear Readers...

Hey there! Hahaha, I'm actually in tears right now. Just.. yeah. I feel... pretty... broken. Well. Ouch...

How do I... how do I say this?

Simply put, I felt so broken a few moments ago.

It's actually 12:31 am right now. The 22nd of August. All around me is silence. All around me is... uncertainty of a future I cannot begin to comprehend. Even worse than Episode 7's vivid demonstration. HAH.

But what I can say is... as broken as I felt a few moments ago... I still reached for my phone. Quickly turned to one of my own earlier episodes here on this blog: Episode 20 - Love Yourself. And I read it. I read it twice. From beginning to end. My own words of wisdom. Reread. By phone light. And me, all alone in the darkness of my own living room.

As I read through episode 20... through my own words. It was truly a special episode to me.... conveying a lesson I am still very much learning. Loving myself. Despite whatever I may be going through. Despite... despite the pits and falls of an ever-changing reality that is my life.

I am glad.. that I am here. Gosh.. I felt... as if I needed saving. I still feel that. But the surety, the confidence that episode 20 had in myself... I was readily reminded of how strong I am. How strong I was. And how strong I can be.

This really isn't an episode as you can see. It's.. haha, more like a girl who's constantly trying to add meaningful pauses! But the point is.. even in an absolutely dark moment, like just now, I... saved myself...

I think I just saved myself.

Wow... no way. But way. Sooo so so way.

My past self just saved my present self. Gosh. The wisdom of my past self, or more like, the version of me who knew what she was talking about -- I listened to her. And I got more than what I could bargain for: more surety. To continue. On. To continue forward. Despite.. despite this. Despite this teenage tragedy. Despite future tragedies. Despite the mountain of emotions that I am feeling in this... point in my life. I just have to accept these circumstances and move on.

Move on forward as I always have. And move on forward for as long as I can.

And you? I hope you can too. If I can try to do this, then you can do. Let's heal and grow stronger, together. We got this.


Your buddy,
Ngoc

P.s. Just want to give a special thanks to past-me. She's lit!! And just... I can't even begin to express the amount of... pain I just felt. That... was seriously incredible. And I'm learning. Learning slowly. But learning. I'm going to be okay. Ngoc, you're going to be okay. Ngoc, everything will be okay.... I really really really love you lots, Ngoc. <333 I hope you know that.

(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 28 - When You're the Bad Guy

Hi there buddies!.......welp.

It's almost 10 pm right now as I'm writing this, and my world can't get darker than this.

Today, the 7th of July, I feel.... super... duper.... awful. Why?

I feel awful because I know I'm awful. And when you know you're awful, gosh, you feel awful alright.

You know how when you're having an argument right? Especially with someone you deeply about... and you guys are just bringing up each other's past mistakes and one of you starts crying quite obviously. The other one is tearing up silently so that the other one can't hear. And you're both just riding this emotional roller coaster and you feel as if your brain will pop its guts out inside your skull because you realize, mid-argument, that you're the bad guy.

I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason why someone I care about is crying. Why she's sniffling in the corner of the car and my mom's driving calmly/frantically because she wants to understand what we're fighting about, and I sit there. Feeling awful. I feel awful right now.

And I don't know what to do. Should I... console her? I've done that before and that just made her push me away.

Should I tell her she means lots to me even if my past actions have probably communicated to her otherwise?... Gosh. I feel awful.

Should I just say, "Hey, buddy. I guess we won't be talking for a while, but let's go see Ocean's 8 tomorrow, heh."? Yep. Still feeling awful. This hurts. This sucks.

Yeah,... it sucks when you're the bad guy. But I have reasons for being the guy. I promise! But somehow, I don't feel like the bad guy, yet I know I am. I have valid reasons even if they don't make sense to other people, to her even... She's asked me to change before. We've had the same argument many times. And given the circumstances, my future, and how busy I will absolutely be in the future... I just know I'm incapable of changing for her. Becoming the sister she needs... agh. Agh. Agh. 

Maybe there's no such thing as a bad guy. Maybe it's just that it feels super awful knowing you're responsible for someone else's tears and it's just so awful you don't know how to be brave and face it. Say sorry. But there's a limit on sorry's that anyone can give. That I can give. To the point where sorry's just do not matter anymore. It counts more what I do from here. But I'm coward who's just going to continue doing everything she was doing before. It's okay to be a coward sometimes right? To be afraid. Yet I love her. I love her more than my own life and if given the chance, I'd probably prove it as an article headline but right now, I. Just. Feel. Absolutely. Terrible.

And that's it.

I know I'll be okay later. I know she'll be okay later. We'll both be. I know that. Which is good.

But when you're in the wrong and you know it...? Me? I pause and stop and think and wonder aggravatingly what else I could have said, how else I could have said it, and what I'm going to do from here. She deserves that, at the very least, from me. Consideration and thought. I love her.

The whole point of this post isn't to ask you, the reader for advice. This isn't written so that I can prove to myself that I'm not exactly the "bad guy" here. This wasn't written even to make myself feel better.

I'm writing here to record a bit of who I am. Maybe it might resonate with someone which will be nice but... it's just my thoughts. How I feel. I needed this. I needed to write or I would have cracked.

Don't worry. I haven't cracked yet. *sigh*

Hope this finds everyone well! The 7th of July. YEP IM A DRAMA QUEEN WELPPPPPP

Your drama llama queen,
Ngoc

P.S. YEP STILL FEELING PLENTY AWFUL EVEN AS I FINISH THIS R.I.P.

(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 27 - Together and Fighting

Heya readers!

We're basically almost half way in the summer. I hope it's been a great summer for you thus far and that it only gets better from here. :D

For me, this summer I've enrolled myself in a five-week class that solely focuses on literature, on English, on stories and how they're baby-made. It's a wonderful class with many wonderful, equally adorkable souls. I don't think I can be blessed with a better group of classmates, or for that, friends to discuss literature over. Gosh, what an amazing group of young people and how excited I am to go to class every day!

However, being the open class that it is, it was also within this week that a pretty dark truth was brought up mid-discussion, and it made me wonder, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then would we work together towards it?"

So... imagine that you and I are... say, basically pretty similar people.

We're both driven towards the same goal. We're both very driven. We've both been driven for basically most of our lives and few times in our lives have we ever shared anything besides the restroom or food and drink. (hehe, meee) Yet, the important thing is, yes, we share the same goal. However, only one of us can get there. Only one of us can achieve it, yet... we're both so similar.

We envy each other's talents. We envy the goodness in each other. There is a constant dance of self-deprecating comparison which might cause us to do bad things to each other. Even hurt the other to get what we want.

Similar to that same story my class read together, I felt some of that envy when I read that someone I knew had received the prestigious TASP award, an award that basically guarantees you to an Ivy League school.

I felt that envy. I let it burn a little. Let it simmer. And paused mid-thought just as I paused during that discussion, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then couldn't we just work together towards it?" It's a solid yet innocent question that someone can answer either dishonestly or genuinely, "Yes. Of course."

Or is it a, "Yes... of course?"

Or even a, "Hm... sure. Maybe. I don't know."

Or just, "Frankly? Nope."

Because I don't know.

As I ponder this over, if people are working together towards the same goal that only few can achieve, most likely, no matter the circumstance, there will usually be a competitiveness stemmed from festering envy. Gosh. Even I felt it. Even I felt that envy. It saddens me that at some level I grieve over another's achievements instead of cherishing them. However, that's actually not always the case. Thank god that nothing is ever absolute in this world.

If it's someone you and I truly care about... or it's a situation where you and I find that the other person was truly more deserving... or... yes. Lots and lots of "ors" and "ands."

I don't think there's even a true conclusion to this huge thought bubble I have written here. Just... a group of people. So similar and talented in their own unique ways towards the same goal.

Yet fighting for it. Fighting against the others.

Ouch.

This was Ngoc, your buddy, with some dark life thoughts. It's okay! We're cool here with dark thoughts, aren't we y'all? :P

Your girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Thank the lord I enrolled in that storylines class. Because if I hadn't, I would have had zilch to write about in this blog space here. Gosh.

To Paramita, Stella, Ivan, Kobe, Jenna, and Danny. All of those five weeks... I love all of you. I deeply enjoyed my time with each of you. I just can't believe next week is the last week together. I just... gosh. I don't know if by then any of you would even see this episode. I don't know if by then I would even brave sending you all this, but gosh.

The amount of family-hood (I'm sure I didn't get that right, welp) we have experienced together and getting to know each of you for the unique yet bright beings you all are.. wow. Just... wow. We were all in the same class for the same reason, yet there was never anything to be competitive about, and that's been one of the most fostering dynamics to our friendship. Albeit short and firework-like, this has been one of the most life-changing, bright, but unforgettable friendships I have made so far in my life. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. <3

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 26 - "-- because of people"

Hello, helloooo buddies!~

I have a question for you this week: Is there anyone you would like to just say "Thank you" to?

It can just be one person, a group of people, or a community that uplifts you, helping you get to where you are today. In more ways than one, I am who I am today because of the people in my life.

Which sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Because it is.

So here's the story...

Being the ambitious kid I am, I've sought and applied for multiple summer programs at once. This meant I needed some great essays, equally great recommendations, and of course, some initiative to continue through. And guess what?

I needed the support of, gosh, so many people every step of the way. I was almost never alone. I would need help editing my essays. I would need a teacher willing to put out his/her own time to write me that rec letter. And I would need some type of support system to keep me motivated throughout the process.

People. I needed people the entire time.

That's not to say that needing people is a good thing in general, but it was the knowledge that I wasn't alone in that seemingly lonely, self-driven process of ambition, of dreams, of hope that made the experience a better one. And... being quite a reserved person in general, my support system was relatively small, but that worked out well in the end because all I had to do was ask and almost always, someone out there would answer the call. ^_^

Because it's not about how many people you have in your life that will change it, it's about the type of people you surround yourself with. Quality, resilient, steady persons willing to stand with you. Willing to stay with you despite the many things they have on their plate already. People who want you to succeed.

And as I talk about this... many moments collect and stand out to me. On a specific night about two months ago as I stayed up to two in the morning trying to gather my wits around mountains of mini-essays for a certain competitive program, this friend of mine stayed up with me the entire time that long night, tirelessly making careful edits. He never questioned. Despite his own projects and mountains of work to finish, he plowed through my essays, tending to them as if they were his own. I remember how motivated I became, because this was no longer a lonely road into the night; I was fighting with someone. Someone so willing to be there, to help me achieve what I wanted.

And then other moments pops up as well.

It was another one of the lunches I had with my French teacher. I remember feeling nervous and uneasy because I was about to approach her for something that I felt would make me seem shallow; "Oh, Ngoc's only been eating lunch with me just to get a good rec letter?" Welp. That's what I'm afraid of. And even today, I'm still afraid of appearing as if I'm only out to befriend you only to use you... but I remember how warm she was to me when I brought it up. 

"Ngoc, just go ahead and send me the details and your resume. I'll make sure to meet the deadline, okay? Okay!" And then she hugged me. ^_^ 

(That recommendation she wrote for me? I felt like crying from joy.)


There are so many moments that I've managed to somehow collect from just these summer programs. And a last one stands out. 

I was procrastinating this one summer program which meant I needed editing work on a bunch of essays the night before the deadline. I emailed a random college coordinator, assuming she was my own college coordinator. She replied to me and in less than two hours had put so many helpful edits on all my essays. I later found out that she hardly knew me. That is, she didn't know me at all. 


Yet she helped me; no questions asked. I learned a little bit more that night what it meant to be kind. Especially to a stranger. <3

Because... people. Gosh, people. All the people in my life... I am simply a myriad of experiences with many types of people I've encountered thus far. And I continue to be. 

We both continue to be. 

So it is quite valid as they say? That we should surround yourself with people who inspire us, who move us, who change us for the better? You answer that! Not me! ^_^ 

And of course, you and I are bound to run into someone or something who challenges our morals, our priorities, even all we believed in either a positive or negative way, but it's up to us to make a decision that stays true to ourselves in both essence and definition. A decision we can be happy with. (More on this in a future episode? Sure!) :)

Before I go, I leave you with this: Dare you to thank just one person who has shaped you or your life for the better. Today! TO-DAY. Shoot them an e-mail. Give them a call. Or say it to them in person. Feel free to thank more than one person~ the more the merrier~ Trust me on this one. Trust meeeeee.

Hope you have a wonderful day, my buddies~

Your blogger girl,
Ngoc

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 25 - Let's Appreciate Ourselves ~ (1/4 mark)

Heya readers!

This is episode 25. I am 1/4 done with my intended journey of... 100 episodes!

In today's episode, as special as any other, we are going to celebrate ourselves in the best way that we can: by writing a blog episode about it, of course. ^_^

(lolol I'm bad at transitions, againnnnn) Very recently... wait, no, I think... for a very long time, I've felt less than myself. This very real inferior complex that has driven me mad, that continues to hurt me. Gosh, just the thought of feeling less than someone else because of their amazing accomplishments or who they are or how they look or where they've been: I've let that all get to me. Because I keep comparing who I am to who others are around me, I've unknowingly hurt myself. It's been a painful experience, and well,  it is painful. And it's something I still have and will probably continue to feel unless I start appreciating myself for who I am already. *sigh*

Here's the story. A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine (Ana~) who had read an earlier "rant" on this very blog reached out to me, saying and reaching my heart with the kindest encouragements. Except, she and I aren't extremely close friends, but somehow years of knowing each other can make it easy for her to reach out to me and I to her... to just be kind. She tried to instill in me my own sense of self-love. In fact, she pushed for it when she said I shouldn't be comparing myself to others when I'm perfect as I am. Not, heh, perfect as in the actual definition, but perfect as in, I'm the most perfect Ngoc there is, because I am the only Ngoc.

This is a pretty cliche lesson isn't it?

But the point is, I shouldn't be feeling less than myself, when I am myself. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for being who I am, for having experienced what I've experienced. And sure, I'm human and you're human. That would mean we'd both have regrets we can't forget or have negatively affected us and maybe, maybe sometimes you'd feel those experiences have made you a lesser person. Maybe sometimes, you would stop and wonder who you'd be if you did this or did that, but ultimately, those decisions are in the past. They've already been made. And you are who you are already. You are who you choose to be with every decision you make but don't let that be your make-or-break factor.

Because the make-or-break factor is this: you're at the very least happy with something in your life. There's something good about it. This thing doesn't have to be big even; it can be super small too. Like, personally, what I really like about being me is the fact that my Grandma makes the most awesome salty, dried chicken shreds to eat with rice, ever! What I also really like about being me are my offensively thick calves. Like... wow. They are thickkk calves. But I love them, because I like to think that if we're in some apocalypse, I have at least a little bit more than my younger sister to snack on. ;P

Honestly, just pause here for a bit to give yourself some love. Give yourself a pat on the back for even visiting this blog. Do it! Now give yourself a high-five for being you. ^_^ *high fiveeeeee*

I'm not saying that I'll ever be able to stop comparing myself to others, because there are no such things as absolutes when it comes to our constantly-evolving selves -- yadidadada-- However, what is true is that I'm willing to do all I can, drawing inspiration and motivation and self-love from others around me, to simply appreciate myself. Appreciate that while I may not have the most accomplished or have the most stellar-looking resume or have the biggest dreams a girl can have or be the most beautiful, I am Ngoc. And I really appreciate myself. I've got through a lot in my life. I've been through a lot. There are, of course, moments when I made cringey decisions. There are moments when I've made a fool of myself. There are times when I could have done better for the people around me, people I dearly love. There are many times in my life when I could have appreciated others more. There were, gosh, so many moments where I wanted to cry for being, for feeling less than someone else. It's not like I won't ever feel that everrrr againnnn. But, when I do, I hope I'll be able, and that you'll be able to appreciate that there are some happy aspects of you and your life you find that only you can really experience. No one else. But you.


Your girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Gosh, thank you for making it this far! I hope I've made your day a little and at the very least, entertained you for a few minutes. Which is good too! ^_^

Random link to a random happy place: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZkRtNgb7Vw
(as for the link, skip to 1:03:30. I find that it's a pretty relevant song ;))

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 24 - Every Opportunity

Heya readers!

Yes, this episode isn't another one of my long podcasts! 

Because... hm, today I'm going to tell you the story of how I, Ngoc, found enough fight in me to throw a pebble into the pond.

Alrighty. So, about a little more than a month ago, I got into a wonderful summer program: an all-expenses paid England trip. Receiving those news especially by call was exhilarating. You know how British people have British accents right? Haha, of course they have British accents! They're British! 

Well, I had missed a call from this unknown number during school. I knew it was from the British summer program, but I waited the whole four hours until I got home to return the call, fearing that if I did return the call, I'd only receive an apology for not being accepted. I was, frankly, preparing my heart for the worst possible scenario. 

But it was different. I returned the call. A lady picked up. She sounded pleasant and airy, exactly how I thought a sophisticated woman would sound like. And I remember my heart, pounding so fast just waiting to be denied which explained my confusion when I heard her next question, "So Ngoc, would you like to be a part of our summer program?" 

My ears and brain weren't cooperating in time.

So I asked her to repeat herself.

Like, two more times.

She did. 

"Gosh.... AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAAHHA SQUEUEUEUEEEUEUEUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *insert incoherent semi-squeals*

That was about a month ago. I was ecstatic. Still am. Heh.

And yesterday, I got my acceptance letter for a two-week all-out wintry cold hiking trip in the Cascades. And you're probably wondering, "Uh.. okay. Great for you. How smooth of you, Ngoc, to use your blog as a bragging platform.... -_- " I kind of am to be honest. Heh. And er... I kind of deserve it. :P ^_^ 

However, haha, to be completely honest, this whole episode is kind of just me bragging about that earlier version of "me." 

I remember pulling super late-nighters, straining my eyes in the darkness despite the rise and fall of my little sister's sleeping breaths, and willingly putting out my time into applications that I confidently felt were sub-par. 

I was putting myself out there. I was scared. I was really just tired and so stressed with all the homework and side projects I already had. I was so tired at times that I stopped to wonder, "Ngoc, why are you even filling this application out? Your credentials have no chance. Your lack of 'leadership positions' will lead you no where against this sea of others..." 

Despite my many negative thoughts, I plowed on. 

Reason being I'd feel awful later if I didn't take these opportunities. An opportunity is an opportunity is an opportunity. But I think the words that most resonated with me in those moments were my EMERGE coordinator's who is not with me here today, but, gosh, she said the best thing, "The worst case scenario is they say no right? So, go! Go and apply my younglings!"

So if the worst case scenario is denial.... hm... let's go!! And somehow I made it to the finish line, turning in all those applications by their respective due dates usually 10 minutes shy of midnight. I wanted to throw the best version of me into the pond. Maybe my ripples would be big enough to be seen. Or maybe not. But as long as I throw myself in with all my might, that's enough for me.

Whatever happens after doesn't matter, because I am happiest in that moment, that moment right after I've turned in that application feeling so satisfied that I've put my best foot forward.

"It's been a long week. It's been a long night. Here I am. Done. I've pushed 'Submit.' Whatever happens, I'll be perfectly fine. If they don't like me as an applicant, I like me as an applicant."

So, well, maybe I've been super cheesy in every episode possible, including this one when the cheese was laid down an extreme amount, but hey, this idea of throwing the best version of you applies anywhere. 

I just hope that you will be brave enough to take every relevant opportunity your way with your best effort. Something good will come out of that, or maybe nothing at all, but hey, I trust you to fight your best fight and find satisfaction that you tried. Gosh, just try. Every time. 

Every time. 

Your buddy and girl who likes you very much as a person and a soul for reading this episode,

Ngoc

P.S. Gosh, episode 24. It'll be a year soon. A year since I've started this official blog. With real intentions. Gosh. One year since. We've fought a good fight, don't you agree? 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 23 - Let's All Be That One Person

Heya readers/listeners!

Podcast time!~

Let's all delve a bit into my dark, dark past as we explore what it means 

to be someone for someone.

Hope you'll enjoy, because I did. ^_^ And thanks for listening, my genuine humans.

https://youtu.be/h-f9n59qmLk

Your buddy,

Ngoc