(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 23 - Let's All Be That One Person

Heya readers/listeners!

Podcast time!~

Let's all delve a bit into my dark, dark past as we explore what it means 

to be someone for someone.

Hope you'll enjoy, because I did. ^_^ And thanks for listening, my genuine humans.

https://youtu.be/h-f9n59qmLk

Your buddy,

Ngoc 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 22 - What With Awkward Posts

Dear buddies!

I… know. I promised myself, I promised you all I’d never write another episode about any of the chummy, hearty, fluffy feelings stuff IN EPISODE 7. I know. I did. But… gosh. The truth of the matter is, yes, heartfelt break up music is playing in the background, not ironic at all, haha, and… yes, I have someone special in my life.

It’s not love. But sometimes, when it’s late and I lay awake thinking of the magic he makes me feel, what I truly feel is so close to another word: I like him. Wow. I know. I'm making this all super sarcastic, but gosh, I feel, at this point, as if I’m telling you a story of failure, failure yet to happen. Or, failure bound to happen. Or, failure that may never happen. I don’t know yet. And that’s the truth. Heh.

First off, I’m young. Big shocker. I had already confessed to a guy I liked for a short while almost a year ago and had since promised myself never to involve this fragile heart of mine in anything like "that" because it’ll only end up getting mangled and beaten. Created in all its glory only to burn and evolve into something completely other. I’m still so young. So naïve. So… immaturely, clingy, haha…. And yet, yes, of course it had to be someone like him to come along and break all my promises. In the best ways, of course. 

How it started? One simple, carefree conversation that lasted for hours. Yeap.

And yes, I see the trend too. I’ve a thing for hilarious, carefree conversations? No duh.

Anyways, hah, the next thing I knew, he and I texted each other almost every day. And god, if you can really narrow it all down to one thing I like about this guy (which is really really really hard), it’s his considerateness. So considerate. Always aware of my boundaries, boundaries I had clearly told him in the early buds of our friendship. Always making sure I’m comfortable. Letting me set the pace of our more-than-friends situation and making it clear that yes, I get to own the joystick and steering wheel. And because he did that, because he let me set our pace, I literally misled myself for three months thinking we were “just friends that liked each other.” Only recently, did it finally occur to me that we were more than that, that we were more than friends. I’m slow. I’m sorry. Really. And to you too buddy, who is most likely still swamped in apps, I’m sorry too.  

And what else? God, his respect. How much he respects my time. How much he respects me. And his effort to clear misunderstandings between us and to vocalize, bravely, how he feels about.... anything. And when he says what he feels about me, you have no idea, but my heart pounds like an orchestra bass drum. Then there's his faith in us when I feel too confused and scared to have any. And... the way he knowingly makes me laugh and I'd have to catch myself from smiling too much or my parents would think I'm not studiously studying. I've barely kept a straight face so many freaking times. Hahaha..

And I get it. I get it. You’re probably wondering, how in the name of all things warm and cozy have I not asked this guy out?

The truth is I… don’t want to make so many attachments to him that when the time to say good-bye finally comes, I wouldn’t be able to let go. Of the thought of him. The way my heart would jolt in on itself when I receive a little good evening text from him. How I can’t stop smiling with my eyes reflecting the light of my phone on some really warm, fuzzy nights. The way I manage to associate any love song to him. How just wondering about what he’s doing at random times in the day would make me want to reach for my phone impulsively. And how just one thing he would say would be on my mind throughout the next day. It’s crazy. But it’s not love, remember? And I know that. I just… really really really really really like him.

And god, the longing. For him. For his presence. We don’t go to the same school. Long distance in a sense but more… so close, yet so far. That’s how we are. Despite how we feel about each other, meeting up in person always proves a challenge. But god, sometimes I miss him so much. It almost physically hurts. And haha, if you’re thinking I miss him in the “ohhhh, you live so far that I can’t have sex with you whenever I want” sense, think again, buddy. Think again. *pat pat* But really, sometimes the distance between us hurts. It hurts me indirectly, but it makes our meetings that much more meaningful. However…. If you know me….. I have a way of being sucky when it comes to making the most of our time when we do meet. I’m still learning, but god, next time, when we do meet, I’m making every second worth it.

What makes our “more than friends” friendship so awesome is the trust. We trust each other so much. With all the happy things and even the super dark stuff. We always manage to bounce right back up after discussing seriously dark topics. And honestly, we would have amounted to nothing, if we didn’t trust each other to carefully take care of each other’s emotions, thoughts, and misunderstandings. Put it into a safety box, lock it away where only we know, and if we ever need to come back to the box, we’d both open it at the same time, together. Together.

But we’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. He’s not perfect. And years of distance and separation during college if we ever make it that far will prove difficult, so freaking difficult. I just want to cry thinking of that…. I’d most likely be miserable missing him while trying to make a new life, a new home in my college years without him. And senior year… next year… haha, that’s IF this goes on that long. Heh. Heh. Hah. I’m practically laughing like a madwoman because I'm thinking way toooooo far ahead. Of course I can survive and thrive prosperously without him and his presence, but just, the thought of him, not being able to be there with me. To hug me when I need a hug. Just… to hold me. Like, now. Now when he’s not here and I’m living off of break up songs that I have no reason listening to if we’re not even dating. My godddddd. *commence the self-whacks*

But hey. What we have is awesome. The dynamics are new and thrilling. And like all new and thrilling things do, they slowly wear off but they’re replaced with something more meaningful and long lasting. Trust. Support. I see a haven in him. A listening ear I can come to when we’re reasonably awake enough to be good listeners of course. X’D And a source of powerful, deep insight. He’s wayyyyyyy smart. And I’m… eh. And sure, sometimes certain differences pop out like a sore thumb, but in those moments, I stop to remind myself why I’m still on the phone with him or still texting him or still thinking about him (I’ve gotten better at thinking of him less. It’s a time thing. You’ll get better at it too because you’ll slowly realize you’ve a life outside of this ginormous crush. 😊), and just let myself accept the fact that we're different. It's just up to the job of constantly communicating between each other, to smooth over misunderstandings, and you know what? He and I have never ever fought each other. I've never found myself angry at him, and hopefully, he hasn't at me, heh. It's really just been minor misunderstandings that just needed to be communicated. And we did that. So maturely. Even through tears sometimes over on my end, but we managed. We're okay. We're so fixable, it's amazing. :) 

So yes, while what we have is awesome. I know we can’t last. He’ll end up finding and connecting with someone smarter, prettier, less clingy and needy somewhere at Yale or UChicago while I end up at a cutesy all women’s college hundreds of miles away (heh if I get accepted). So while I am hellishly jealous when that happens, a part of me, a deeper part of me will find solace that someone else will be able to make him happy in ways I can’t. That’s actually… terribly sad and hella depressing, and I’m probably lying to myself if I ever say I’ll be completely happy with that thought but hey, when you cherish someone that much, so much that it goes beyond yourself and your own needs, it will be freaking hard andtakeawhilehuehueeeeeearghghghghghg but you’ll be able to be happy that they’re happy even if a piece of you will hurt like hell.

And that’s the truth. The truth that what he and I have will most likely end. And… god, while that may suck for me so freaking much, it’s a truth I may as well accept. It’s inevitable. It’s unavoidable. And I can try and elongate what time he and I do have left together, because of how beautiful and awesome and warm and colorful letting him be a part of my life is, but I can’t avoid the unavoidable. Acceptance.

Accepting… that truth. Gah.

GAH. CURSE THIS BEATING HEART. THIS HEART THAT BEAT ALL TOO FAST THOSE MANY TIMES. THESE HORMONES THAT HAVE DRIVEN ME MAD. CURSE THE FACT THAT I’M 17. CURSE THE FACT THAT I WISH I HAD MET HIM MUCH LATER, WHEN WE COULD HAVE BEEN CLOSER. MUCH… CLOSER. WHEN THIS TRUTH WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOOM SO FREAKING CLOSE TO MY FACEEEEEE.

I guess I had no point to this story telling. Maybe this was all some sort of crazy rant to let go of feelings I’ve already expressed to him but suddenly feel the need to put into words somewhere or I’ll burst while listening to super beautiful break up songs. Yikes.

I’m crazy. I apologize. Again.

On a slightly happier note. Because the freaking sad truth is unavoidable, it’s within my ability at the very least to make the most of what he and I share. It’s within our power to make this one heck of a time. And it will always be so until this all nicely closes, like a really good book you have a huge hangover for after finishing. Kind of like that. So I’ll find it within me to just… have fun. Be present. Fully present during the precious times I do get to spend with him. And give it my all. Haha, not my all alllll because of *cough* thebakery *cough* but a lot of me. I’ll throw it all in eventually. And just be unafraid and while it may hurt hellishly in the end, I choose to make this awesome while I still have him in my life in the way that he is right now. ^_^

And uh… thank you for reading this rant/insight into my crushy, fluffy life/or actual insight into a long distance “more than friendship” friendship. Haha, thanks for dropping by. Glad you did. 😊

Your seriously lovestruck friend that isn’t in love but just really really really likes someone a lot, so much so that it gets hella depressing,

Ngoc

P.S. If you’re him. God, I feel like this is the reenactment of episode 7 except this time you mean so much more. If uh…. Me sharing this to the public domain makes you feel uncomfortable, then… yikes. I’m sorry. This is part of who I am, buddy. Someone that shares … and while I meant everything I said above with all the depressing “unavoidables,” the lot. This episode, episode 22 on the third of January, is a record of how awesome you are, how precious you are, and how happy I am that you’re a part of my life in this moment. This moment. No moment less. No moment more. Just… thank you so much. One day, I’ll be able to look back and just smile while reading this. And you’d be the reason why. Or maybe cry. Haha, I honestly have no idea. Hopefully, smile. Smiling fondly. This episode here was more for me than it was for you, honestly. You know this about me by now, but when I finally put words down like this, it becomes real in my world, Charles. :P And hey, look. It’s going to be four months so soon. Four awesome months that will soon pass. You’re part of the reason why. Thank you for that. And for so much more that you either do or don't know about. :) *huggieeeee*

P.P.S. Just realized I write too passionately when it comes to these things. Hm. Interesting. 

P.P.P.S. And Ngoc, if you’re reading this all over again in the future, just know that you’re awesome. You are everything you can ever want. Even Charles said so. And hey, if you’re smiling while reaching to this point, you’re so strong. Keep that strength and never ever waver for me. And if you do just that, you’ll rock the rest of the world, baby child. *pat pat*

And hey, if you cried while reaching to this point Ngoc, just know that you are strong. I mean, you wrote all of this to save yourself ahead of time. I mean… how smart is that? If all else fails and you can’t stop crying, refer to that long donkey list you wrote on the bus, the one you mentioned in episode 21. Read it over again. Do that. Right now if you are. You have a lot to smile and live for. Your life isn’t over even if it feels like it is. Time heals all wounds. And eventually, time will heal this one too if it really is a wound. And hey, if everything fails, Yen will be there for you. Go to her. She’s someone that will love you endlessly. And you’ve your friends. Go to them if need be because they’ll let you cry forever, unflinchingly. But Yen is more accessible. And less awkward to cry on. Haha.

Hey. You got this. 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 21 - Make a List to Save Your Life

Hey readers.

Haha, yeap! Another podcast!

Link below shall take you there my friends. :)

Enjoy! And Merry CHRISTMAS!!

https://youtu.be/RfRNe7zPrh8

Your favorite girl,

Ngoc :)

P.s. I just want to say thank you Luce for saying, "Why should I edit your blog when it's your blog?" Because, wow, you're right, it is and you don't have no idea how much that meant to me when you said that. And thank you to everyone and anyone who has always clicked on my blog, read it, or listened to it. You motivate me by just being here.

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 20 - Love Yourself

Hello there!

I would like to dedicate this episode to a few (maybe more than a few) people just from the fact that they’ve supported these episodes in very simple but very meaningful ways. They shall be found in the P.S. section because, gosh, if I actually start this episode mentioning them, I would not be able to stop. *sigh*

So! This is episode 20 and the fact that I’ve made it this far, with 80 more episodes to go before I die, we are going to celebrate by covering a very important idea that I believe we all need to learn and embrace as people.

I’m going to start with the simple statement that I love myself. Haha. Yeap. I do.

I love myself for a lot of reasons. I am alive. I have emotions. I’m young and naïve and inexperienced. I’m not a total idiot. I’m not a total smartypants. I have people that love me and I have people I love. There will be times when I feel weak and times when I need to be strong. I am human. And I will die one day so if and when I lie in my deathbed with the realization that I never truly appreciated the life I had, that I never appreciated me, the one that’s living this life in the first place, then I hadn’t really lived.

It took me all of the past two months to realize this during the period of time that I got to meet a wonderful person, a wonderful friend. As time passed and as I spent more and more time with him, I began to realize that my happiness gradually became dependent on him. Whether he replied to my text yet or whether he was as interested in my company as I was in his, the gradual growth in how dependent my happiness was on him scared me. Not only that but the words he would say would affect me so much. It would affect my mood to either unexpectedly high or low levels. It was… it was pathetic. I became pathetic. And my patheticness made me realize, “Ngoc. There’s more to this. More to why this dependency is freaking you out.” And there was a reason.

What I haven’t told you so far is that I would compulsively search for words from him that would make me feel better. I would look to him for reassurance of my own insecurities, my emotions, who I am, and each time that he did say something along those lines, it would make my heart swell in happiness but then after, after the high of it wore off, I began to feel empty again as if I needed to be refilled. As if I couldn’t get enough of the reassurance he gave me and then this feeling grew to a hunger almost. And it was this hunger that snapped me out of this cycle because I realized I needed to be my own source of reassurance. I needed to be strong on my own and stop outsourcing the food to feed my own self-esteem and strength. So that made me wonder: Why wasn’t I able to do that for myself? Why are my emotions, why is my happiness, so dependent on this person? Why can’t I be my own source of happiness? And what is this emotional dependency really saying about me?

It took plenty of self-reflection but the short of it is, I lacked a sufficient amount of self-love. Yeah. I know. Cheesy. But I wished I had known this sooner. I wished I had known that I was amazing already in my own right and while it is wonderful to be verbally reassured of my own awesomeness all the time, it’d be even better if I can do that on my own.

So…. what does self-love even mean you wonder (or not, because well, its name is self-explanatory ahah)?

Self-love means that you’re able to feed yourself despite whatever happens around you. You’re able to feed your own esteem and power and strength just through the simple act of appreciating yourself, your weaknesses, your strengths, your mistakes, your past, present, future, all that make you who you are. Self-love is simply appreciating you, living every day by celebrating your own existence, and realizing that while you aren’t perfect and probably make a huge amount of mistakes that you don’t even want to mention because if you do you’ll burst into a million shards of emotional instability, you are you. And by just being you, by living as you, and by being here in this moment doing whatever you’re doing, that is enough. There is no need to prove yourself to anyone right now. The only person you should be proving yourself to is, you guessed it my friends, you. Because at the end of the day, after everything is done and you turn off all the lights in the house and head for bed from a whole day of work and worth, you’re going to lie yourself down and look into this vast expanse of darkness around you, realizing that in the end, even the end of a day, all you really have is yourself. When you close your eyes and begin to even out your breath to head to the realm of dreams, all you have is yourself, this body that’s putting weight on the mattress, this mind that thought of thoughts and ran a million miles of information that day, this heart that beat to keep you alive and the same heart that you metaphorically use to care and love the important people in your life. You have all that and more. And that is us. We are both flesh and bone and mind and heart. And it’s about time we appreciate that. Give yourself a break and freaking love yourself. We both know you’re not perfect, but we also both know that you’re here right now, alive (or not??) and living and breathing and thinking and loving and that’s beautiful. That’s all that matters. Just know that.

Know that for me.

I warn you though. Self-love, self-appreciation, call it what you will, isn’t something you can achieve overnight. It’s a process and that means it’ll take time. You’ll need time to reflect on who you are. But if you’re the type of person that can achieve it overnight, that’s amazing (!). For everyone else, myself included, it takes time, plenty of time and silence for that self-reflection. And I have full faith that you can achieve it. Because the fact that you’re here, reading this, means something. You’re well on your well there already.

Thank you for being here this evening or morning or afternoon and reading this. I bid you the best of luck and love. 

Your most optimistic friend <3,

Ngoc

P.S. And the list of my wonderful supporters...

Luce. Thank you for… gosh, you’ve been here from the start and the art you’ve done for a few of my episodes. Constantly checking up on me via status and wondering when my next episode will post. All of these little things add up and always make my day. The list goes on probably the longest for you. And not to mention the latest “hack” you did to Episode 15 which touched my heart and… the little ways you’ve looked out for me and others. Thank you for all of that. Just, thank you.

Daanish. I have no idea if you’re still supporting these episodes but you seem to still scream “blog” at me and yeap, you were there from the start as well, constantly encouraging this baby out of me. Thank you son.

Hasan. The latest supporter who tried to convert me to Weebly, ready to help me understand Weebly but as it turns out, no amount of help can convert me, at least not yet. Hah. But thank you buddy.

Yen. Thank you my little baby poo. You’ve never exactly supported me but thank you for being alive and cheering me on before you head for bed. Thank you for being absolutely adorable even though you’re past the age when it’s not even legal to consider you that, but you shall always be my shiny little poop child. (Don’t hurt me.)

Angeleana. Thank you for liking all my blog posts on Facebook. It means a lot to me actually. More than I’m comfortable admitting. 😊

And my buddy child. Thank you for being a wonderful friend these past two months and two days. Because while it may seem like this whole post was attacking you in a sense, our friendship has helped me evolve into (hopefully) someone better, someone stronger. Because “to me, there was never a question at all.”

P.P.S. I started this blog 7 months ago with the intent of it being basic life updates on my life and how that ties in with living and being human. And then in May, with the stubborn intent of updating this every 2 to 3 days and here I am, 7 months later updating once a month. While the difference in that interval is humongous, my passion and drive to do this exists still. 100 episodes before I die, remember? Let's go. 

(Just life with Ngoc): Episode 19 - How to Make Choices that Fulfill Your Life

Heya people,

It's Ngoc here. Another episode! Yay! Let's go through this together. :)

https://youtu.be/sMyrqTDsKZM

Your most optimistic girl,

Ngoc

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 18 - How to Mend Our Broken Pieces

Heya there! 

This is your girl Ngoc with a pretty personal episode. 

We'll be talking about how to fix the relationships that matter in our lives, however, nothing new here, because all you really need is a lot of courage and strength to face your own complications. 

With that said, I hope you enjoy this episode (though I kind of doubt you'd visit the link because I kind of gave away too much now, but still click the link because it's good stuff that I put a lot of effort into and you'd regret not listening to it)!

https://youtu.be/TCL9TFLP7l4

Your favorite girl,

Ngoc

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 17 - GPS and Rock Bottoms

Hey people!

Here's my latest episode. Enjoy!

https://youtu.be/iqY--FVt5aM

I'm sorry it's mostly podcasts, but they're a lot more fun to do and a lot more time wasting than I'd like, but definitely worth it to capture my emotions and verbal clues of myself. 

I'm learning a lot more about myself as I do these, so, uh, enjoy!

Your girl,

Ngoc