Episode 73: Okay

Okay doesn't mean "okay" anymore.

It's two weeks from finals and

the state of okay

is laced with the toothiness of tiredness. 

The sluggish movements we all make from not staying in bed long enough.

Something about snow coming

and it's stark dark and not even 4:30. 

Slouching in all of Smith's couches,

I find myself

being smart enough to find a chair, hard and sturdy, instead

to keep awake.

Awake to do and think and express all these okay things keeping me awake.

The new status quo 

is exhausting yourself from constantly producing and producing shit

and being wedged between

this feeling of mediocrity

and plain bad.

And it's not even 2 pm yet. 

Am I even going to be awake enough to 

produce a shitty coherent thought

at 2 pm?

Honestly.

The little stamina I have 

is spinning

on absolute fear.

Of not finishing

not submitting

not writing and reading enough to

finish and submit.

How do we manage to freaking breathe?

And when I do, finally, do as my body does

and breathe,

I'm scared that I'm breathing for too long.

For laughing too much like we enjoy being crispy and burnt.

So cheers to today.

Another day when I tell my cute friends and my cute housemates

that I'm okay

only to proceed quickly with the word "fuck" 

in a long exhale

the kind that communicates, 

"I'm not okay at all. In fact, you probably knew that already. Maybe you're going through this too. Maybe we're both not alone in feeling this diluted version of 'okay.' Maybe we're too scared to map out everything we have to do, because if we think hard enough, that list starts to grow. 

out of control."

Is what I'm going through right now

even okay?

I'm going to start answering people with

"It's great to see you."

Instead of "how are you?"

from now on. 

Because I'd rather see people, see anyone,

than see myself 

engulfed.

Episode 72: Skunk

11.19.21.

12 AM. Three losing League games until we won. I was a tree and you were a swordsman. I threw my sapling bits that exploded on the enemy. You spun into the fray, brave and true, until they all descended on you. Hungry for kills. 

1 AM. I told you about a lunar eclipse happening tonight, holding onto the edge of my chair and peering hard out our window. You asked if I'd want to go on the balcony to witness it for real. A place I've never been. "Let's pick a chair. Yours or mine?" 

"We're going to smuggle a chair onto the balcony?" I asked, wide-eyed.

"Haha no. To reach the window!" 

You grinned with homework heavy in hand. 

That's how you show me you care. 

So you carried my chair ahead, figured out how to pull down the window screen, as I pulled on pants and boots. We kept giggling as we struggled to fit through the window. My inner thighs hurt a lot. My boots were in the way. Your slipper was in the way. But we managed to see the other side. To witness the moon we were promised.

"Allison, we're on the wrong side to see it, aren't we?" 

"We definitely aren't. Plus it's so cloudy tonight. How are we supposed to see the moon?" you pondered with your astrology knowledge.

Haha oop. 

Astronomy. 

Moon or not, it really didn't matter. The view before me was fresh. The air was chilly. My nose was chilly. My hands were getting cold but the glow of the campus center, the way my bike looked from above, tips of trees I never knew to be so tall suddenly realized, and not a star in the sky.

It was wet. A streak of thin white cloud in the dark ass sky. 

"Is that the milky way?" I asked, truly not knowing. I was in that late-night sleepy daze where too many questions came to mind. And you never minded answering them.

Not without laughing out loud this time, "We're in the milky way, silly."

"Ah... hahahahaXD"

We laughed and talked about anything again. The tips of my boots began to feel cold and I wondered how cold wearing slippers only felt. I started walking back towards the window, thinking maybe it was cold enough to go in, but you were reluctant. No way did we go through all that trouble for just 10 minutes of balcony time. So we stayed for longer, happily chilling in the chill.

Then I spotted a scurrying creature by the side of the empty campus center. Pitter pattering on top of orange-yellow leaves and illuminated by the bright lights of the white building. Squeezing and stopping below the black steel benches. We kept on moving to get a better angle. 

This was the first time in my life that I saw a skunk so clearly. The first time I saw a skunk that wasn't in Curious George.

It looked like a raccoon panda. 

so FLUFFY. AND CUTE. AND SQUISHY. 

I bet its cute paws would pat pat on me if I held it. TOE BEANS.

But its ass would make me a mess.

"We're going to need all the homemade marinara from Tyler to get that stink off us," I commented.

"Or ketchup and water for days," you added. I could feel your cheeky grin. I could feel my own cheeky grin. I COULD FEEL MY CHEEKS.

I've been smiling too much lately. But today, or tonight haha, I couldn't stop pointing and be awed. 

By the deft way the skunk knew where to go. Up the concrete stairs instead of hedging through the grass. So quick and sure and human. 

I wonder if this skunk could hear us tonight. Saying stupid shit like "woah, it's so cute." 

Or "woah, it's ACTUALLY so cute." 

I'm 21 years old. And I've finally seen a skunk.

Your city girl can't get more domesticated than this.

Am I even using domesticated correctly?

Tonight, I was awed by that simple, pretty feeling. Tonight was so pretty. 

Pretty like the smiles on our faces. Pretty like all the laughter we couldn't stop holding back as we realized all our efforts were for naught, with no moon in sight. Pretty like the warmth in my belly as we witnessed this skunk doing skunky things. 

I wasn't at all disappointed that I couldn't see the moon. I was with you, my awesome friend.

You and I eventually turned towards the window after a series of yawns. I went after you, your long legs reaching the chair long before mine could. Then, mine came after. I was unsure, unsteady, but you held the chair. I was just fine. 

You have my back.

Last week, I teared up on the middle of the street, walking to a fancy dinner I was in no way well-dressed for. Thinking about things I wish I could turn back time on, but before I lingered on regret, you and Luna appeared before me in the dark. 

I could tell it was you anyway. You could be walking a mile away but if I ever saw anyone that walked like you, "it's her" I'd say. 

And it was you. That happy, jaunty walk. You're like the main character of a coming-of-age movie. The protagonist everyone roots for, because your positive energy is magnetic. Radiant. Warm. You make people ask if all comp sci majors walk like that.

You walked up to me and I greeted you both into a hug. 

I was about to break down crying. Maybe I almost did and the glow of the streetlights reflected the truth of what I felt, maybe all the cars driving past us knew I was emitting sad girl vibes, but before I could tear up any more, you said, "Hey. Whenever you get back to our room, look out for a little something, because I got you something. :)" 

That's one of the moments I knew. 

That I'll remember most. 

I'll be okay, because my friends are rooting for me. You're rooting for me.

You want to see me happy and well. :)

Whoever I'll become in the future, wherever I'll be, I'm probably going to cry.

A lot.

But being with you makes me smile. 

Friends, I thank you for being my homemade marinara sauce. ^-^

Cuz sometimes life fucking stinks and I fucking suck.

Like.

Skunk.

And I'll need to smell nice things again.

the afterthought

am i supposed to

get used to

silence?

your presence 

only nighttime

when its convenient

when you're too tired

to talk about anything

sufficient.

anything real. 

are we real? really? in a realationship? 

relationship.

is this how it's supposed to feel?

you tell me it's going to change. 

it. or you? 

or when you say that, you're asking me to change? 

my expectations? 

but why is it, that no matter how much i concede,

how much i want to believe

that i can handle the little we have

the little you give me, 

why does it feel wrong? 

can two people really be this busy for each other?

or just one is too busy for the other?

i'd rather do as i've done before,

keep a foot out the door,

but the part of me that remembers your steady gaze, 

the words you spilled, the drives you made,

doesn't mind the silence.

doesn't mind the waiting. 

but someone once

taught me,

that it shouldn't feel like waiting

for things to change.

because my time is precious

and so is yours.

you tell me you are satisfied with 5 minutes of talking. 

"a glass half full," you said.  

i think not. 

i'm not looking for a glass half full.

im looking for one glass full

of satisfaction, depth, speed, care. 

it's not about how much time we spend, 

babe.

i don't want 

to feel as i do now -- unnatural, uncomfortable, left, unread -- 

like an afterthought. 

maybe i don't understand you.

maybe you don't understand me. 

but that's what it feels right now

that's what it appears to be.

the misplaced pencil pooch

i have a hunch that i left my beautiful gray, flowered pencil pouch out on the kickball field, last week. when my house played kickball against another house for lawn-naming rights. i had biked out to Cutter-Ziskind to pack brunch into my backpack and then on my bike, i raced down the hill, the one that takes me straight to the sports fields. on any decline, my bike can fly. i felt like flying, flying, flying until my bike lock fell off loudly behind me. It’s okie. Was worth. 

when i walked to the field, my housemates were warming up, waving to me. i found a spot on the bench to sit down and pull my brunch from my backpack. Eating and smiling and cold.

the kickball game began. allison and i applauded and screamed. she rested her notepad on her lap, meaning to study but i knew we'd only have eyes for the game. 

"H-W Lawn" has always been the hope. we lost by a point. we lent the opposing team our best players because they didn’t have enough. Haha, again. It’s okay. The grass was green and the sky was sunny and my nose was chilly and the view of smith, beautiful.

So we technically won by default. i had so much fun cheering on the sidelines. enjoying my egg quiche and the company. ^-^

if not the kickball field, then the pouch is in josten library, in that study room full of old, rare books behind glass bookshelves. i remember opening the door and almost yelped when i saw the shape of a person studying in such dim lighting. it was Loren, an acquaintance that always said hi back. the kind of person i know deep down i could vibe with had we had more encounters.

it's the room with a keyboard you can play with headsets on. I played some of my favorite songs while Loren studied. after i finished, we conversed about international politics, wine and parties, and rap. two girls who enjoyed boardgames and watching kpop dancing videos. that one UMass frat party I walked in on. We listened to August D’s Daechwita and bopped along. laughed about the silly and the serious. before I left, we promised we'd meet again.

if the pouch was not at josten, then it might have fallen out at the boat house. i had biked there immediately after leaving the library to meet with Naina. we made last minute plans to kayak haha. i got there first, sat down on the steps as i waited, enjoyed the view of the pond, the trees, the scattered yellow and red leaves on the ever-shifting pond surface. it was chilly. i dug my heels into the concrete steps. not too long, i heard foot steps behind me. 

maybe it's from walking with her lots but i knew those steps were hers. 

Naina and i went into the boathouse. it was my first time. god. that boat house felt and smelled…? like a movie. the strong smell of wet wood and earth. wooden desks. wood everything. a life vest was fitted on us both before we each got our own kayaks and were pushed into the water.

everything feels different when i was in the water. the paddling. the calm. the conversation. the way the surface of the water moved and shined under the sun and with the wind. if i had anything to say, it was an observation. 

"beautiful."

"gosh."

"woah! haha"

"i can't breathe"

Naina looked so cute paddling pft. sometimes she would struggle to push herself forward or her kayak was stuck on a log hahaha and i keep saying this and it's so weird but she's the cutest daughter. if i had a daughter like her, i would be blessed. forever. our paddling wasn't synchronous but the sight of her silhouette against the shine of the water and the trees was absolutely gorgeous. i wonder what i'd see if i was paddling behind myself. how do i look? 

all in a sunday. all these beautiful, peaceful feelings i felt. somewhere in me, somewhere deep, i felt warm. warm from how such a normal sunday could already feel so extraordinary because of the people in it. the nature in it. the flight i felt in my heart.

i was making memories that i'd remember for the rest of my life. as I write this, I can still see it all. 

i used to be the kid who stayed in, studying hard for that extra letter grade. who based her self-worth on her academic performance and achievement. 

it was my everything. it was me. and i allowed it to be. 

however, that meant i left a lot of life behind. 

fomo. 

fear of missing out. my beautiful friend Elise first introduced this to me in our penpal letters. i realized then how that was everything. everything i had feared. perfectly condensed.

i feared i had lost. had i lost years? lost it to nothing at all. nothing i'd remember or recall. downing and memorizing and swallowing information i'd barely touch. for the sake of recognition. someone else's. not mine. 

it's as if i could only be real if someone else noticed me and my efforts. not that i did. i lived for others. and i loved it. i hated it. i thrived and i burned and i was quiet. never voicing it. crying only in the middle of the night as i stared down my computer screen. another essay to conquer. another concept to master.

i never did much. not for fun. 

Like The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" -- "all i never did is done." 

on a night out to a jazz concert with someone i really like (this was a month ago) i was epically excited about funnel cakes, having never had them before. on our way back from getting a plate, as we sought a place to eat it, he asked me, "do you ever have fomo? is this fomo for you?" 

it was painful to admit it. the funnel cake plate was warm in my hands as we walked. his eyes, earnest. 

"yes. god, yes i do. but im here tonight aren't i? im in the exact place my parents would never have allowed me to go, with the exact person they'd never want me to be with at night: a boy. haha."

we ate the cake together, fingers and all. amazing music floating through the chilly air. the highway beneath us. i felt safe. flying. like a bike in decline. i felt easy.

so where was the damn pencil pouch? it wasn't in any of these places.

two days had passed after that sunday. i dug around my backpack for an umbrella and there it was.

with me all along. it was with me everywhere. this trusty pencil pouch.

not lost.

i didn't lose it after all.

i hope you'll find what you've felt you've lost. and if you don't, that you can create it :)

yes.

best,

Ngoc

P.S. haha. cheesy.

i am a cheese about my own life.

am i perfectly happy? definitely not! i just... i've come to learn where i like putting in my time. 

we got this heh ^-^

Episode 71: our drunken ship

In the past few years, I've learned what is absolutely true, the hard way. Each time after the next, it gets easier to accept. 

There are some people who are meant to be in your life for a moment, a season, or seasons. 

Forever isn't ever guaranteed.

I was convinced forever worked.

Especially in my friendships.

I was convinced that she would be my ride or die. A girl who slowly opened up to me, but when she did, she was art. I loved her mind. I deeply enjoyed our conversations, wherever they went. We both danced with flowers, one of the last to be on the dance floor, on our prom night. She was my date.

I was convinced what we had could never end. We were too similar in many regards. And wherever we were different, it was something to peacefully notice and accept.

She gets me when I needed to be gotten. And my listening ear was a space for her to vent and explore what went on in that mind of hers. 

It's been years and since covid started, our friendship became harder to maintain. 

At one point, we would call often. Or often enough to feel a semblance of connection. 

She keeps to herself during this pandemic and hates calling. But I love calling. 

It's not that I've lost her. 

I've lost the expectation for her to be here. With me forever.

Tonight, our plans to meet failed through yet...again. I desperately wanted to make them happen.

And she didn't for reasons beyond my control. For reasons unrelated to me. 

But it's disappointing. Frustrating. I'm not her, so I'll can't imagine what she's going through. 

I miss her from time to time. It's nostalgia. Naggy and haunting. And wanting to say hi.

"How easy it was to be 'us'..."

I was happy with our friendship. 

And whenever we caught up, it's as if no time has passed at all.

Keshi's "drunk" is playing in the background again. And how fitting, because our ship, it feels drunk.

Like there's not a straight line from where we are to where we're going. 

She and I are pausing what we have until we can actually meet again. I hope she's in a better place. 

I hope I will be too. And I hope we won't harbor bitterness to each other and if anything, I'm rooting for her. 

Even if it's from afar until we meet again.

I hope our ship isn't drunken enough to sink. Just.. drunk. Swerving and unclear. That's... that's okay. :)

It's one of those nights where I wish I had someone by my side. 

Haha, I say it like I have no one. 

But I do. 

She's just fast asleep two rooms away from mine. I'm waking up with her 6:30 am alarm to cook her some corndogs. That's who I do have.

Yen. I can count on her forever and forever. That's my babe. 

And hey.

Maybe it's not forever that I want.

Maybe it's that feverish feeling I get whenever I'm convinced in forever that matters.

Because right now, I know I might not have forever with some of the people I have in my life. The fact that forever ever crossed my mind when it did-- that makes the hurt of possibly losing them one day all worth it. 

Call me naive.

I'm luckily young enough to screw this part up.

When it gets old, when I get old-- at least I'll have been screwed.

With enough times to reconsider

not counting on all my ships surviving to shore.

Wishful and yours,

Ngoc

P.S. It was poor of me to... uh, screw around with screw jokes. :I sorry. And do you have a drunken ship? or two? 

My metaphors get lost at one point. Forgive my poor taste.

I fucking love ships and whales.

do i?

do i like you or do i like that you like me?

do i want you or do i want you to want me?

do i like convincing you we could make this last 

while both of us are high off the heat? the adrenaline we both get

from saying things we want the other to believe?

do i want you to fall for me? hard.

am i brave enough to return the favor? 

when this is what i've been wanting

and here you are, exactly and not exactly as i wanted

but good for me

all the same.

"i really like you, Ngoc"

words so simple, so short yet endless

you were nervous, shitless. and rightfully so.

"i might have to wait 6 months for you to feel sure about me too?

that feels like im played with... you know?"

you're right. 

do i want to stick it out? 

am i as sure about you as you are about me?

do i want to stick it out and make myself believe?

wait to see what you see? 

would i be at ease

during our time's entirety?

or do i let you go now,

wistful at how early

or continue what we have, 

all confident that we could be "friends" so innocently?

just wanna drive

Yen sat in the back. Diana sat in the passenger's seat. I held the wheel. 

And they believed in me.

Yes, I have a drivers' license, but geez, it's been a long time since I've driven. 

But we made it. We made it Coral Sword and played boardgames for hours. Phew.

I love driving. I'm scared too, of course. But I love accelerating. I love knowing that I can feel what the middle of the road is now. I remember when I first started and I'd always be a little too much to the left. I love being the one to take my mom home after a long day at the nail salon. She can rest and I'll take over. I love how if I need to brake last minute, I can still make it smooth like velvet.  

But... driving Diana and Yen to Coral Sword was different.

To think, that was the first time I drove without my parents breathing down my back.

Was it because of control? My parents feared I might get pregnant if I can drive? Hahaha. Yo, legit. Or they didn't want me to meet friends or guys? Unconfident if I'd mess up and crash and make our family's insurance plan skyrocket? 

Maybe all three. 

But I just wanna drive. 

I've held onto this license for 1.5 years now and I've driven alone 0 times. ZERO. 

Agh. And when I have, I better make no mistake or I won't get to drive for another few weeks. Left to ponder and never make that mistake again, but how am I supposed to be better at driving if you won't let me drive?? 

"Where are you going? When are you coming back? Who are you meeting? Who are their parents? What will you be doing?"

I could not have a social life at all throughout high school when most events happened in the night. Save for prom and a handful of middle school homecoming dances, I was sheltered.

Stay at home. Go no where.

Risk nothing.

No boys to ruin me. Haha. 

Sigh.

The best decision I ever made in my life and definitely expensive, is going to college out-of-state.

And it was probably the biggest strike of gold in their eyes when it turned out I was going to a traditionally all-women's college.

"Wow. You're so studious Ngoc! You're going to focus on school!"

Maybe instead of celebrating, you should have asked why. Why did I choose Smith?

Maybe, you taught me to fear men.

Or you, Dad. You taught me to hate them. 

Jokes on them. 

I gotta practice my dating muscle somehow. :)

Wow. 

I just wanna drive. I just want to be in control of my life again. I'm tired of reporting...

And I will. In 3 weeks. I'll be off to Smith, happily tripling with my friends. Going out whenever I want. Returning whenever I wish. Access to the gyms YES. No one to report to but myself.

That's what a car represents to me right now. I've been leashed for 20 years and in less than a month, I'll be 21. 

Would turning 21 really mean anything in their eyes? Or would it just mean I'd be something tougher to control? Keep tabs on? 

Having my own place is costly and if I want to build wealth easier, I might need to live here for a while longer. Woah. 

But I get it. 

I thank them. I do. I'm grateful too that they've sheltered me. 

Yesterday, as Yen and I walked to the park, a car slowed down right by us and the guy in the passenger's seat opened his door to stick his head out, looking at me dead in the eye, and after a second or two, he closed the door. The car drove off, only to make a U-Turn again and come back our way.

I felt the hairs on my back raise. Yen and I speed walked and finally made it into the grass of the park, standing near the pool gates.

Seconds before we even made it into the grass and were still in parking lot, the car honked at us for no reason at all. We weren't even in their way. Farrr from it. And they shouted something at us. 

Yen said she heard the word, "GET..." 

But we were to shaken, too speed-walky to hear the rest.

On the walk back home from the park, Yen and I were nervous, shaky the entire time. Any car that drove by made me want to walk quicker. Not that I can outwalk a car haha, but I get it. 

It's not like I haven't. 

I understand why you both protected Yen and I for so long... 

I'm really grateful that it's only up to now that I get it. 

I get rebellious. I feel angry. I feel like I've lost my youth, but also, there were things you made sure I wouldn't come to know until later, when I'm old enough to understand for myself. Old enough to have the wisdom and initiative and capability to protect myself.

Thank you, Mom and Dad.

I know that my childhood wasn't perfect.

But you did your best.

I still just wanna drive.

But I'll always do my best. 

Because up until now, you've forced me to take no risks period. 

Now, I have to force myself to take those risks. Be smart. And you've done a great job protecting Yen and I up until now. Now it's my turn to protect myself. And one day soon, protect you both. 

What I need most though is for you both to believe in me. 

That's it. 

Welped,

Ngoc

P.S. This random episode is everywhere haha. It started as this grievance letter to my parents about how they won't let me drive.

And then as I recalled my most recent experiences, I understand them. 

One day, when I have children of my own, I wonder what kind of parent I would be. I'm young haha. I'm still just 20 but gosh, raising children is so hard!! Kids grow up, compare their lives to others, and have a bit of FOMO because their parents keep tabs on them, and feel anger at time lost. At opportunities lost. It's all in the name of keeping us safe, but there has got to be a sweet spot of surveillance and opportunity.

And yes, child-raising can be VERY gendered. I have guy friends who were way younger and their parents did not keep this many tabs on them, or fear that they'd get pregnant. :I It's what it is and I can still create the life I want. Erase the boldness of the lines surrounding me.

P.P.S. Creepy strangers is definitely not a new thing!! After speaking to a close friend of mine, I realized how often it happens. Living as a woman. Owning a woman's body... a lot of strings are tied to it. 

Rape culture. How at any moment, a man can have the physical advantage. Not to mention, I'm such a people pleaser. How to say no and be confident in it. Be ready for the consequences of saying, "No" in a world that can't take "no" from a woman. Yeah...

Fuck this shit. 

FUCK THIS SHIT. ha. Thank god Yen was there with me. I have no idea what would have happened if... I had walked to the park alone yesterday.

I can't even run that fast yet. Welp. 

yup. 

fuckthisstupidassshitaghhhh

Some men just up front do shit like this. Agh.