Out of Ngoc's Vault: Middle School Reunion - 2/10/19

Below is one of 15 drafts in my blog. An episode I had started back in February 10th, of 2019. Haha. Enjoy with my tears O_O 

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Yeah. It's been four years since I've last seen most of them. It was both exciting and really really sad.

I'd like to think that I've been pretty dang honest about everything I've shared thus far through this blog. However, maybe I haven't said this yet. Maybe I have. But. The reality is that middle school absolutely sucked for me.

Oh. Yeah. I remember now.

YES. YES, I DID SAY THAT ALREADY. 

Hahahaha... wow. so many ellipses today... gosh this is gonna be a pretty dank episode.

And for those of you who actually went through middle school with me, it's going to be slightly awkward as I bash middle-school me. Ye-up.

Well. Let's start with the reunion itself, shall we?

The reunion was yesterday, Friday. My Dad was unwilling to drive me there and back home "because it's tooo far :I" so I ended up carpooling with a close friend of mine there. However, her mom was really late which made everyone anxious. It made me anxious. It made her anxious. And not only that, she and I waited out in the cold for over an hour before the police officer noticed us shivering in the cold. Me, in my very thick coat and knee-length boots. And her in slip-ons and hands wrapped in a makeshift glove I made from a shirt I wore that day. Because. It. Was. Freezing.

Then we spent half an hour inside the warm school before her mom arrived at the gate. We were late by 45 minutes! Personally, I felt fine. I was excited and giddy, sure. But a part of me couldn't help but feel as if I'll never fit into the three years I call middle school. Three of the most imperfect years of my life haha.

And maybe I never will. Sure. I'm doing much better now, of course, thank the heavens. Yet... that middle school reunion solidified all doubt and along with it, slaughtered any hope that I'll ever fit into Rogers. Ever. 

It's not Rogers' fault.

It's not my fault either that I feel this way.

It's no one's.

Maybe Rogers and I were never meant to fit together in the first place.

Or maybe fitting isn't even the right word... I just never became accustomed to Rogers' atmosphere. A part of me wishes I was. Had I tried harder. Had I fought harder. 

None of it matters now. At the end of the day, Rogers gave me someone important to my life. Someone that challenged and shaped me and was patient with me. Someone I would keep searching the crowd for...

***
Entering the reunion with my friend, I saw the trees, the entrance that we went through every day for three years, the same faculty that cheered me on and, of course, saw me eat alone for months in 6th grade when I opted out of society because it was a shock to me that I was going to school with kids that  were so confident and affluent and bright. I felt so different then. Unable to find similarities. Immobile in fear. Immobile I was, for years.

All of these memories flooded back, colored in pinks and yellows. I felt happy. I felt happy to be back to the piece of me that I wanted to forget. Funny right? Haha. But it's true.

Before I knew it, I saw my teachers standing there in the cafeteria. I saw my principal. And I saw my classmates. Feeding on that giddiness, I was rushed with a warm hug from one of the coolest girls I knew back then. Shortly after, she let go and made a beeline for my friend, hugging her much tighter and more excitedly--- just the way that I imagined I'd be hugged at the reunion. That night, I felt... hm. Not that I was left out. But that I would never fit in...

I had too many acquaintances at Rogers.

Where were my best friends?

I searched the crowd for her. The girl that I created our peanut man comics with, a feather floating above his head. A paper comic that I had sold to Antonio for a dollar as a joke. The girl that waited for me in line and laughed along with my crude jokes. The girl that egged me on, whenever I felt unconfident or scared: "Ngoc, it's okay," she would say with her beautiful smile, "you. got. this!!" The girl that filled our summers with Teen Titan memes and fanfiction. I missed that girl. I loved that girl. Haha, not romanticallyyyy youknowme comeon.

I... welp. I don't even know where this episode is going again. It's one of those episodes that you write in a rush. There's so much to say. So much of a mess inside my head.

I'm going to attempt to simplify what I feel by saying this: how I felt leaving Rogers... it felt like one big green blob that constricted my breaths. The blob grew. It was a sum. And whatever sum it was... it hurt. A lot. (I don't know where I'm taking this metaphor. help)

That night, I felt lost. I felt sad, sad for my younger self that she wasn't brave back then. Sadder still that there are things I'll never get to have in those three imperfect middle school years.

Rogers wasn't always terribly unhappy though!

I certainly had my highs. Simple moments that make my heart smile. Hanging out in homeroom with a girl that I felt so damn free with. Whenever Antonio accurately counted down the time to when school ends -- his trusty trusty watch. My Taylor Swift's "Mean" lyric video that I spent hours making at the library geez. Any time when I'm in gym class - effing loved gym and gee, perhaps a little too much because of a stupid crush. Alas. Badminton with Yuji. Hugs from Hailey. Getting my mile time from 12:50 ish to 9:45 in half a year. I need to get back to that 13 year old version of me. My calves were O_O. Anywho, oh and bus rides with Stephanie, a girl that surprised me on my birthday. A girl that I should have never let go. I loved her too. Reading. All the books I ever read were put to good use later in life -- good goin kid. That bus ride home after Schlitterbaun, sitting next to Evelyn and sharing music. Feelin that magicccc <333 I swear I have an episode written about that evening somewhere in my blog. Maybe search bar "magic bus ride" or something lol. 

Life truly is a ride. Until it ends. :I okieillstopomgaggg imtheworst

P.S. Taylor's Vault. Ngoc's Vault. Clearly, the name is inspired outta sumwhere ;)

Episode 60: An Email to Jessica

Good afternoon Jessica!

I hope this email finds you well and warm!!

It has been a hot second since I've last updated you on how things are going. Of all the people I knew at Smith, you were one of the kindest, warmest, and wisest individuals I had the honor of knowing, working with, and taught by. I wanted to take this opportunity to at the very least say thank you for everything that you've done for me. It's a long list, longer than I can write, but here I will attempt to try on this cloudy Houston Friday.

I participated both in First-Gen Out Loud and Designing Your Path. In First-Gen Out Loud, you taught me how to tell my story in new forms and ways I never thought to before. You helped create a community of students who deep down, love each other so much. And I won't be able to forget the friendships I built there and the community I had when I needed it most -- I found it in FGOL. 

When my life took the worst turn, I looked forward to FGOL the most. It was a place that didn't ask me to be a student or a daughter or an able person. It was simply a space to be. You cultivated that space wonderfully and you did it again in DYP. There, I learned many new approaches to think about the next steps in my life. Here I am today, juggling with the possibility of minoring in film, or at the very least, taking more film classes. 

My Intro to Film Class has been incredible and my love for film and storytelling truly flourished under your care. You helped me realize how much I love storytelling and you nurtured it. 

I took the lessons I learned from you and I simply applied it into other aspects of my life. About two weeks ago, there was an event that came to life. A storytelling event to Address Anti-Asian Hate. I was leading that front and simply took the beautiful lessons of storytelling you taught me and made it the focus of such a painful situation to address. It was a big hit. 97 people came. And I have you to thank for. I have myself too to thank but more so, I'm only as capable and inspired as the people I surround myself with. And you are one hecking incredible, lovely, and inspiring individual that I am honored and humbled to know.

Thank you for imbuing me with these skills, for teaching a class that had me truly ask the important questions, and for inspiring me to think beyond what is my reality, or my imagined reality.

Thank you for taking me to the doctor's office that day. That day was the very day the doctor confirmed that my ACL had been completely torn. I remember how hurt I was and how glad I was that all of this uncertainty has passed. But more so, I was just so grateful to have had YOU be the person to drive me back to Smith to my dorm, my mind a flurry of emotions. Your voice a calm reminder that things will be okay. 

I'm jogging again Jessica! And I can't wait to run to see you again this Fall when I return to campus. You'll be one of the first people I run to. 

I hope you have a great day. I hear there's a FGOL showing today. I'll be there and I can't wait to see you. 

You're the absolute best. 

No need to respond! I know you're busy but gosh, just wanted to let you know how I feel. :)

Love,

Ngoc

Episode 59: Moves Me

“Why did you do it? I need to get to your level of productivity,”

Kyle asked me. 

The answer came to me too easily,

“A labor of love. And who else? 

Am I to wait? To be saved? 

Who else knows my story 

Better than myself?”

 

I pride myself in finding the right words in any situation. 

I like to think I’m smart 

Enough to eventually find the words

In the middle of any conversation. 

Jump in and see where my own mind heads.

Do you need me to comfort a friend? 

Do you need me to keep a customer from leaving?

Do you need me to get our landlord to lower rent?

I assure you.

I have the words.

 

I have the words to say and write.

 

Few times in my life, have I been upset

That I didn’t have the words to say right.

But whenever it happens like it did

One Tuesday night. 

Or all the days before

When I saw Asian elders pushed. Killed.

Asian women shot. Killed.

 

“A Shooting in Atlanta” 

 

I saw my Mom in the women that died.

Senselessly. Gone. 

I saw my elderly father in the elders that died.

Senselessly. Gone. 

Stupidly gone. 

 

It is my journey to find the right words

That moves me to push aside piles of work

Do nothing but email and talk and talk

I pray I don’t stop talking about it

Because as long as someone other than me cares,

I will care.

 

The search for the right words almost never ends.

Because until they’re found, 

Words not good enough will survive. 

 

It is the search for the right ones that move me.

Episode 58: Tahitian Vanilla

My favorite freaking candle scent. For the past 4 months. Tahitian Vanilla.

It's lovely. You need it. I need it.

It changed my freaking life. It transformed me.  

I want to be Tahitian vanilla. 

Feel-good thingssss. All I do is desk work. Everything in front of the screen. Work, play, communicate -- screens. All the dang day. 

A candle, on the other hand, is real. It burns. A fire lives inside. You hover your hand over it and voila, HEAT. HOT.

Your brain goes, "Hot!" But your nose does a wiggly dancey dance and exclaims, "OO-LALAA~"

TAHITIAN VANILLA, EVERYBODY. 

I have practiced self-care to the point of over-indulgence. But burning a candle just... it hits me. All in the right spots. The perfect brain waves. Perfect mood to sit next to someone and talk on and on about college, how a horse bit a friend of mine on the nip, how I was there to witness it and fear Donny (the PONY, A PONYYYY AGGG) for the rest of my life. We'd laugh and daydream lots about our hiking adventures and our maybe-trips along the northeast coast and across Southeast Asia. "Bali's near Singapore isn't it? Then let's." I'd swirl a glass of warm, sweet milk tea like the classy bih that I am, grinning. 

At this point, I've promised too many friends trips across the US. I hope I live long enough to make all those trips happen. :P

What I mean to say is -- is everything going to be screen-based in my future? To the point that the sight of candles can bring me so much joy? Or to see veins on a leaf? I need the tangible to bring me back to reality. 

I wake up. I hit the screen. I go to bed. It's always a balancing act on this blog of mine. haha. 

Hey, on the bright side, I've shared with you life's secret to happiness: tahitian vanilla. 

You're welcome, lovely. ;)

Use it. Abuse it. Bless you.

I'm thinking of turning some random poems of mine into songs. Someday. They'll be cringey. haha, my voice -- I hope I could handle it. I hope I find the chords. I'm even thinking of minoring in film. I wish the idea of me minoring in film doesn't sound so "profound" but alas, your ultra-realistic, grounded, stable girl who wants a sweet home and two kids and book shelves on shelves and summer and winter trips to southeast asia finally got off her set path for a bit. And truly imagined.

I'm thinking. About it. That's what counts. 

I know in my heart that a minor in film would feel sweeter than a minor in statistical data science. Even as sweet as Tahitian Vanilla. But the rewards for a minor in SDS are... anyways.

Here's Your Random Link to a bit of Tahitian Vanilla.

* huggies *

Your butt-tired girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Thank you Lucy for waking me up and making sure I numbered my episodes correctly. I forgot 6 came after 5. haha. came. oh god. It's 1 am.

P.p.s. do NOT leave this earth not watching Mr. Queen -- it's a Korean drama. i want my own king cheoljongieee. CHEOLJONGIEEEE~!~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EEEEE

I. AM. A-CRING-EYYY. #mrqueenownsme

P.p.p.s. there was a point in my life when I craved Disney channel and laughed way way way too much at this episode of "That's So Random" where in a classroom setting, students mishear their teacher say "Fourty Four" as "Farty Four." 

I still laugh at that. To this day. I laugh. At that. Dang. I still want Disney channel. But like, the old stuff. When Suite Life on Deck was still a thing and I crushed on Cody so so so hard. #mrqueen

P.p.p.p.s. hahaha ppppssssspspspsp

Episode 57: A Long List of "I Don't Know"s

Updated when I feel like it. 

- am i any good at interior decorating?

- what does my dog think when im howling at her?

- ghosts are real right? my hunch is human eyes can't see in the frequency that ghosts can be detected O_O

- i won't die by cancer right? pftha

- what colors are mine? purple and white? 

- should i get a cello instructor? 

- oh or a personal trainer?

- what's my major/minor combo? econ + gov? econ + sds?

- what my after-college life could look like...

- should I replace my bike wheels? 

- how does a girl buy her own island?

- how many bugs have i eaten without knowing. or with knowing. ;i

- when am i finally going to style it uppp

- how many mushroom + roasted spinach pizzas could a healthy person consume until they're on the verge of unhealthy, or death?

- who my next relationship will be with ha

- how the leggings I'm wearing were made

- when am i finally going to plan out my short story ideaaa yo

- could i win a fight against a grown hooman?

- when is Tonia going to pass away? ideally after i finish college so i can be home...

- what's the average volume of amniotic fluid that babies live in?

- how much does giving birth hurt? without the epidural? heh

- what were my first words?

- how much back cracking until it's bad -_-

- i want a mushroom and roasted spinach pizza so so bad right now

- am i super not viet for loving mac and cheese and pizza so so much

- when will i get to taste that awesome taro smoothie in DC again?!? WHEN WHEN

- is the restaurant that makes that smoothie still open? 

- does anyone miss me right now?...

- how are they doing?

- did they talk about me that evening after I left and sat in the car?

- how long would i have to stand in the cold until my nose gets frostbite?

- am i going to adopt a pig?

- i wonder how my first apartment might look

- will i accidentally buy the mini rice krispies again? big big no plz

- let's build my own house in the future? yEs

- with a pool?

- can tonia understand me? 

- will I buy a place by the ocean? with no hurricanes plz 

- can i eat a potato

- why is potato such a fun word to say why

Episode 56: A Young Woman

You could say I threw my high school years away to years of blind ambition and hard work. 

That would be a lie though. I didn't completely toss them all to ambition and work. I...I mostly did. But worse was for a long time, I struggled to find my people. And by the time I realized my best friend then, I wish I hadn't realized it that late. 

I worked hard for imaginary things. Imagined success. Imagined college acceptance. Imagined bursts of ambitious flame. Some kind of greatness worth smiling about. 

All of it was realized eventually. It did happen Ngoc, but you didn't have to work so so hard for it. A big blue trophy to bring home in senior year. An acceptance letter to a beautiful place. I just wish I had more people to share it with. I wish I could look back on my years at the Bakery and give a wide smile... I wish I partied. I wish I spent less time on homework and projects and actually accepted the invites when they came. Agh. I wish I said more yeses back then. I wish I lived like a kid and less like a kid who was trying to adult faster than she knew.

Yes. There were many moments when I felt like I belonged. They happened and when they did, I feared every moment that they would disappear. I feared that the people that chose to stay would leave any moment. 

The people that I did know and loved in high school were wonderful and I can't discredit those meaningful friendships. I just wish I went out and invested and built those friendships rather than staying in, studying extra for a higher letter grade. 

What would have mattered more is if I laughed. Did I smile? Did I smile as I studied? Or would I have went all out at the few parties I was invited to? Made plans with the same friends I baked an apple pie with? 

Perhaps this difficulty of finding my belonging.. my place is more complex than I make it seem. Why did I often feel so distant from the other kids at my high school? Was it because most of them were wealthy? Was it because they could afford to make plans anywhere and anytime they wanted? Was it because their parents wouldn't care if they stayed past ten? 

That sense of belonging. That search. It went on seemingly forever. My personality shrunk in on itself. Only with a certain few did I let loose and really be the wild meee. Mostly, I contained and filtered myself, unable to achieve the kind of carefreeness that everyone else appeared to have. I wonder if things would have changed if my future self returned into my high school body? I'd tell her to go out lol. That girl worked way too hard. And that she judged herself too harshly.

People care less about me than I thought they did. It was all... in my head.

It was a battle with my own self-worth. 

That is, if a self even exists. :P

Tonight, this episode was inspired by my close Smithie friend. E is transferring to a new college, co-ed, and her feelings about this turning point in her life, she wrote it so so beautifully. 

Here's an excerpt:

"I guess I felt like in high school I was always

watching while everyone else lived their best lives-

like dating (because friend groups only dated within

each other). And at Smith I felt like I was finally PART

of it, like interacting and free and less self-conscious

and not envious or feeling inadequate. 

The feeling of belonging. And starting my new school

and being around dudes again... I feel my walls

coming back up... though I was always going to have to

re-enter the world with dudes I just hope I can keep

the carefree confidence I had at Smith..."

E pieces together so many different themes. Carefreeness. Confidence. How and from where does she derive this carefreeness from? And how does putting boys into the picture influence that, if at all? Inadequacy. When she feels that. Gosh. I've felt that more than I can mention. 

Being at Smith showed me what an ideal world looked like. I'm actually just echoing E's words at this point, because Smith showed E what an ideal world should look like, where women both share and fill a space, any space, equally to that of any men. Where women feel equally valued. Voices heard, loud and clear. Voices prized as any other.

My voice at Smith. I've felt it prized. Prioritized. 

To the person I once was in high school. A girl who was uncomfortable in male-dominated spaces. Felt less than. I hope that the future me remembers the feeling, the beautiful feeling that Smith showed me -- what it meant to be equal to anyone else. To be adequate. Enough.

E said it best.

Adequacy. 

Every day I am working harder to achieve that state of mind. To embody that word is to embody the soon amazing things I will do. To realize my future. To realize my capabilities and live out this life without any fear, any inner fear to hold me back.

I love me.

And I love you.

I hope that one day you will not only just feel adequate, but also that you will fully realize how capable and amazing you are and can be. 

I believe in you. 

A Lunar New Year and a young woman,

Ngoc

A random link to a random place :) <-- reminds me of beauty. And peace. Gosh. Agh. My heart.

Episode 55: Medium-Sized Dog

On the seemingly most monotonous days, because woah, do they get monotonous, is there one thing that makes you feel better? Calmer? Makes your mouth curve into a wide smile? 

Today, once my professor gave me an 8 minute break in class, I found myself outside. Unbeknownst to me was a plop of some kind of... white and black-dotted stuffed animal lying on its side. Its cute paws glistened in the sun. Eyes closed. So peaceful it looked. A slightly wet nozzle. A furry, flat head awaiting many pats. 

Toniaaaaaaa. 

Tonia makes me wanna go Toniaaaaaaaaaa

How is it that this medium-sized dog with thick glutes and the perfect amount of back fats... how is she able to just make my entire day?

All I did was stare at Tonia. At her peacefulness. How easy it is to please her. How easily she pleases me.

I'd chase her off when our mail carrier walks past. Except she can't be tamed. It doesn't matter what I say or yell or command. She's going to bark her heart off at him anyways. 

There's a certain spot on her back that she likes scratched or combed through. Her tail wags furiously as her eyes look up happily at me.

If I'm playing a youtube video of a shepherd whistle song, her ears will look like Doritos. Perky. Sharp. Triangles.

One time, my parents didn't mean to, but they had left and closed the gate too early. Tonia stood out in the rain, waiting there patiently for over 2 hours to come back in. She didn't run anywhere. She stayed. Yen and I cried when we saw her plump, shivering shape outside of the gate in pouring rain. Gods. This girl. 

She hates blueberries, even if they're good for her. We'd have to stuff a small dried shrimp into a blueberry to get her to even touch one, haha. She'd eat it of course... but selectively spits out the blueberry? O__O 

Tonia has the chestiest chest. I know. I have a weird way with words, but seriously, it's the best way to describe her here. Like, there's fur and most of her furs convene at her chest in little swirls. And also there's a perfect amount of chest fat there. That bouncy softness added with her fur swirls?!?! an ungodly combination. Chesty chest. Her cute little chesty chest.

I can put her to sleep with sad piano music.

She once ate a bee? 

Even if she hates baths, she'll still walk over, pre-shivering. :I

The sound of plastic. Any sound of plastic packaging. She'll run over to. I could be opening some stickers and she'd think it's food. -_-

I talk to her. A lot. I have full blown conversations with her. 

I also dance in front of her. I try to experiment with certain moves that get a reaction from her... she looks at me blankly... always. I'm a joke.

Such is the life of me and my medium-sized dog. 

What made you smile today?

I hoped you smile.

And if you didn't, I hope Tonia made you smile. :)