Episode 58: Tahitian Vanilla

My favorite freaking candle scent. For the past 4 months. Tahitian Vanilla.

It's lovely. You need it. I need it.

It changed my freaking life. It transformed me.  

I want to be Tahitian vanilla. 

Feel-good thingssss. All I do is desk work. Everything in front of the screen. Work, play, communicate -- screens. All the dang day. 

A candle, on the other hand, is real. It burns. A fire lives inside. You hover your hand over it and voila, HEAT. HOT.

Your brain goes, "Hot!" But your nose does a wiggly dancey dance and exclaims, "OO-LALAA~"

TAHITIAN VANILLA, EVERYBODY. 

I have practiced self-care to the point of over-indulgence. But burning a candle just... it hits me. All in the right spots. The perfect brain waves. Perfect mood to sit next to someone and talk on and on about college, how a horse bit a friend of mine on the nip, how I was there to witness it and fear Donny (the PONY, A PONYYYY AGGG) for the rest of my life. We'd laugh and daydream lots about our hiking adventures and our maybe-trips along the northeast coast and across Southeast Asia. "Bali's near Singapore isn't it? Then let's." I'd swirl a glass of warm, sweet milk tea like the classy bih that I am, grinning. 

At this point, I've promised too many friends trips across the US. I hope I live long enough to make all those trips happen. :P

What I mean to say is -- is everything going to be screen-based in my future? To the point that the sight of candles can bring me so much joy? Or to see veins on a leaf? I need the tangible to bring me back to reality. 

I wake up. I hit the screen. I go to bed. It's always a balancing act on this blog of mine. haha. 

Hey, on the bright side, I've shared with you life's secret to happiness: tahitian vanilla. 

You're welcome, lovely. ;)

Use it. Abuse it. Bless you.

I'm thinking of turning some random poems of mine into songs. Someday. They'll be cringey. haha, my voice -- I hope I could handle it. I hope I find the chords. I'm even thinking of minoring in film. I wish the idea of me minoring in film doesn't sound so "profound" but alas, your ultra-realistic, grounded, stable girl who wants a sweet home and two kids and book shelves on shelves and summer and winter trips to southeast asia finally got off her set path for a bit. And truly imagined.

I'm thinking. About it. That's what counts. 

I know in my heart that a minor in film would feel sweeter than a minor in statistical data science. Even as sweet as Tahitian Vanilla. But the rewards for a minor in SDS are... anyways.

Here's Your Random Link to a bit of Tahitian Vanilla.

* huggies *

Your butt-tired girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Thank you Lucy for waking me up and making sure I numbered my episodes correctly. I forgot 6 came after 5. haha. came. oh god. It's 1 am.

P.p.s. do NOT leave this earth not watching Mr. Queen -- it's a Korean drama. i want my own king cheoljongieee. CHEOLJONGIEEEE~!~!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EEEEE

I. AM. A-CRING-EYYY. #mrqueenownsme

P.p.p.s. there was a point in my life when I craved Disney channel and laughed way way way too much at this episode of "That's So Random" where in a classroom setting, students mishear their teacher say "Fourty Four" as "Farty Four." 

I still laugh at that. To this day. I laugh. At that. Dang. I still want Disney channel. But like, the old stuff. When Suite Life on Deck was still a thing and I crushed on Cody so so so hard. #mrqueen

P.p.p.p.s. hahaha ppppssssspspspsp

Episode 57: A Long List of "I Don't Know"s

Updated when I feel like it. 

- am i any good at interior decorating?

- what does my dog think when im howling at her?

- ghosts are real right? my hunch is human eyes can't see in the frequency that ghosts can be detected O_O

- i won't die by cancer right? pftha

- what colors are mine? purple and white? 

- should i get a cello instructor? 

- oh or a personal trainer?

- what's my major/minor combo? econ + gov? econ + sds?

- what my after-college life could look like...

- should I replace my bike wheels? 

- how does a girl buy her own island?

- how many bugs have i eaten without knowing. or with knowing. ;i

- when am i finally going to style it uppp

- how many mushroom + roasted spinach pizzas could a healthy person consume until they're on the verge of unhealthy, or death?

- who my next relationship will be with ha

- how the leggings I'm wearing were made

- when am i finally going to plan out my short story ideaaa yo

- could i win a fight against a grown hooman?

- when is Tonia going to pass away? ideally after i finish college so i can be home...

- what's the average volume of amniotic fluid that babies live in?

- how much does giving birth hurt? without the epidural? heh

- what were my first words?

- how much back cracking until it's bad -_-

- i want a mushroom and roasted spinach pizza so so bad right now

- am i super not viet for loving mac and cheese and pizza so so much

- when will i get to taste that awesome taro smoothie in DC again?!? WHEN WHEN

- is the restaurant that makes that smoothie still open? 

- does anyone miss me right now?...

- how are they doing?

- did they talk about me that evening after I left and sat in the car?

- how long would i have to stand in the cold until my nose gets frostbite?

- am i going to adopt a pig?

- i wonder how my first apartment might look

- will i accidentally buy the mini rice krispies again? big big no plz

- let's build my own house in the future? yEs

- with a pool?

- can tonia understand me? 

- will I buy a place by the ocean? with no hurricanes plz 

- can i eat a potato

- why is potato such a fun word to say why

Episode 56: A Young Woman

You could say I threw my high school years away to years of blind ambition and hard work. 

That would be a lie though. I didn't completely toss them all to ambition and work. I...I mostly did. But worse was for a long time, I struggled to find my people. And by the time I realized my best friend then, I wish I hadn't realized it that late. 

I worked hard for imaginary things. Imagined success. Imagined college acceptance. Imagined bursts of ambitious flame. Some kind of greatness worth smiling about. 

All of it was realized eventually. It did happen Ngoc, but you didn't have to work so so hard for it. A big blue trophy to bring home in senior year. An acceptance letter to a beautiful place. I just wish I had more people to share it with. I wish I could look back on my years at the Bakery and give a wide smile... I wish I partied. I wish I spent less time on homework and projects and actually accepted the invites when they came. Agh. I wish I said more yeses back then. I wish I lived like a kid and less like a kid who was trying to adult faster than she knew.

Yes. There were many moments when I felt like I belonged. They happened and when they did, I feared every moment that they would disappear. I feared that the people that chose to stay would leave any moment. 

The people that I did know and loved in high school were wonderful and I can't discredit those meaningful friendships. I just wish I went out and invested and built those friendships rather than staying in, studying extra for a higher letter grade. 

What would have mattered more is if I laughed. Did I smile? Did I smile as I studied? Or would I have went all out at the few parties I was invited to? Made plans with the same friends I baked an apple pie with? 

Perhaps this difficulty of finding my belonging.. my place is more complex than I make it seem. Why did I often feel so distant from the other kids at my high school? Was it because most of them were wealthy? Was it because they could afford to make plans anywhere and anytime they wanted? Was it because their parents wouldn't care if they stayed past ten? 

That sense of belonging. That search. It went on seemingly forever. My personality shrunk in on itself. Only with a certain few did I let loose and really be the wild meee. Mostly, I contained and filtered myself, unable to achieve the kind of carefreeness that everyone else appeared to have. I wonder if things would have changed if my future self returned into my high school body? I'd tell her to go out lol. That girl worked way too hard. And that she judged herself too harshly.

People care less about me than I thought they did. It was all... in my head.

It was a battle with my own self-worth. 

That is, if a self even exists. :P

Tonight, this episode was inspired by my close Smithie friend. E is transferring to a new college, co-ed, and her feelings about this turning point in her life, she wrote it so so beautifully. 

Here's an excerpt:

"I guess I felt like in high school I was always

watching while everyone else lived their best lives-

like dating (because friend groups only dated within

each other). And at Smith I felt like I was finally PART

of it, like interacting and free and less self-conscious

and not envious or feeling inadequate. 

The feeling of belonging. And starting my new school

and being around dudes again... I feel my walls

coming back up... though I was always going to have to

re-enter the world with dudes I just hope I can keep

the carefree confidence I had at Smith..."

E pieces together so many different themes. Carefreeness. Confidence. How and from where does she derive this carefreeness from? And how does putting boys into the picture influence that, if at all? Inadequacy. When she feels that. Gosh. I've felt that more than I can mention. 

Being at Smith showed me what an ideal world looked like. I'm actually just echoing E's words at this point, because Smith showed E what an ideal world should look like, where women both share and fill a space, any space, equally to that of any men. Where women feel equally valued. Voices heard, loud and clear. Voices prized as any other.

My voice at Smith. I've felt it prized. Prioritized. 

To the person I once was in high school. A girl who was uncomfortable in male-dominated spaces. Felt less than. I hope that the future me remembers the feeling, the beautiful feeling that Smith showed me -- what it meant to be equal to anyone else. To be adequate. Enough.

E said it best.

Adequacy. 

Every day I am working harder to achieve that state of mind. To embody that word is to embody the soon amazing things I will do. To realize my future. To realize my capabilities and live out this life without any fear, any inner fear to hold me back.

I love me.

And I love you.

I hope that one day you will not only just feel adequate, but also that you will fully realize how capable and amazing you are and can be. 

I believe in you. 

A Lunar New Year and a young woman,

Ngoc

A random link to a random place :) <-- reminds me of beauty. And peace. Gosh. Agh. My heart.

Episode 55: Medium-Sized Dog

On the seemingly most monotonous days, because woah, do they get monotonous, is there one thing that makes you feel better? Calmer? Makes your mouth curve into a wide smile? 

Today, once my professor gave me an 8 minute break in class, I found myself outside. Unbeknownst to me was a plop of some kind of... white and black-dotted stuffed animal lying on its side. Its cute paws glistened in the sun. Eyes closed. So peaceful it looked. A slightly wet nozzle. A furry, flat head awaiting many pats. 

Toniaaaaaaa. 

Tonia makes me wanna go Toniaaaaaaaaaa

How is it that this medium-sized dog with thick glutes and the perfect amount of back fats... how is she able to just make my entire day?

All I did was stare at Tonia. At her peacefulness. How easy it is to please her. How easily she pleases me.

I'd chase her off when our mail carrier walks past. Except she can't be tamed. It doesn't matter what I say or yell or command. She's going to bark her heart off at him anyways. 

There's a certain spot on her back that she likes scratched or combed through. Her tail wags furiously as her eyes look up happily at me.

If I'm playing a youtube video of a shepherd whistle song, her ears will look like Doritos. Perky. Sharp. Triangles.

One time, my parents didn't mean to, but they had left and closed the gate too early. Tonia stood out in the rain, waiting there patiently for over 2 hours to come back in. She didn't run anywhere. She stayed. Yen and I cried when we saw her plump, shivering shape outside of the gate in pouring rain. Gods. This girl. 

She hates blueberries, even if they're good for her. We'd have to stuff a small dried shrimp into a blueberry to get her to even touch one, haha. She'd eat it of course... but selectively spits out the blueberry? O__O 

Tonia has the chestiest chest. I know. I have a weird way with words, but seriously, it's the best way to describe her here. Like, there's fur and most of her furs convene at her chest in little swirls. And also there's a perfect amount of chest fat there. That bouncy softness added with her fur swirls?!?! an ungodly combination. Chesty chest. Her cute little chesty chest.

I can put her to sleep with sad piano music.

She once ate a bee? 

Even if she hates baths, she'll still walk over, pre-shivering. :I

The sound of plastic. Any sound of plastic packaging. She'll run over to. I could be opening some stickers and she'd think it's food. -_-

I talk to her. A lot. I have full blown conversations with her. 

I also dance in front of her. I try to experiment with certain moves that get a reaction from her... she looks at me blankly... always. I'm a joke.

Such is the life of me and my medium-sized dog. 

What made you smile today?

I hoped you smile.

And if you didn't, I hope Tonia made you smile. :)

Episode 54: Learning to League Again

I didn't have a mouse back then. It was just me, my laptop, and a mousepad when I first downloaded League of Legends in my early years of middle school. 

I wanted to be badass and kill tons of minions and champions but there's only so much badassery that I could manage on a mousepad. :P In the end, I put it off. 

Fast-forward to college! College?!

Ah... ha. My crutches lie under the dining table. My close friend, Natalie, sits next to me, watching League tournaments, as I dig into my plate of mac and cheese. I grew intrigued again, ready for any way to escape my incapable body. 

After expressing my interest in watching it with her, Natalie patiently explained to me as many details of the game as she could. Pausing and unpausing the video match as often as I needed. Drakes. Tanks. Top, mid, and bot. Runes. Aram. Thicker minions?! Thicker minions. After learning so much from her, she was down to play with me a few rounds against bots. 

Lovely girl. Lovely Natalie. 

Together with Natalie and Allison, we played and won and lost. If you sat with us in Chase dining hall in the wee of night, you'd hear our mice clicking quickly, mine awkwardly, our keyboards on fire. Our voices either screaming at success or yelping in disappointment. Sometimes, I would bang the table, leaning myself into my seat disappointedly after being murdered for the 9th time. Dying in League is a matter of pride and it's worse when you're "First Blood". Geeeeee. -_- And sometimes, in the lonely confines of my dorm, I would play several rounds. Practicing with Ashe, hoping I'd get better quickly and die less. Ashe is... so easy to play omg. haha. It's embarrassing that I played with her so often but she was just so intuitive. :P 

By the time Smith kicked us out in March, I had totally forgotten about League. Natalie decided it was best that she transfer to another school. And Allison lived in New Jersey. All I could focus for the rest of the year was healing and keeping myself busy. It felt as if League was a space that I could only share with the friends I had made at Smith, somewhere after dinner at the same table... 

But here I am. In 2021. 

Another great friend of mine Laisha. Laisha and I were calling and talking about what we should do together and League was on the tip of my tongue. I said it quickly and thought little of it yet after hearing Laisha's excitement for it, I was reminded of when I first started League. I was excited to go full speed ahead and teach her what Natalie had taught me. Gosh. Natalie. That girl-woman. Lol so Laisha and I have been playing together, trying for at least once a week. Her schedule keeps her busy taking care of her family the lovely thing, but when we play together, it's so much FUN. We're out here trying to kill champions, pplllllll. So I've got to also thank Laisha for reigniting my love for League. And I must also thank a certain Paul for teaching me some more tricks. Thank you Paul!!

haha, I'm playing with new characters of course. I must admit, I'm back in my old habits of feeling safe with a certain character, Diana. Diana is freaking badass. HECK. Ashe is lit but damn Diana. 

Jayce is so cool but he's wicked hardddd. O__O 

Gee anyways. 

I'm having so much fun. Gaming has always been an outlet for me to release stress. Before loving League again, I would find myself on RWBY Amity Arena, deploying my troops and heroes. Sadly, that game will be discontinued in exactly 4 days when I publish this post.

I would spend 3-4 hours a day if there wasn't anything to do, on RWBY. AHHHH. IM A PSYCHOOO. 

But technically, I spent 3-4 hours today, playing and studying up on League, haha. I'm glad that I'll have League once RWBY is gone. Welp. 

It's fun to be a kid again. To fight and be badass and have Beyonce's Formation as a battle song. Geez. Exhilarating. I feel like I can finally breathe. I feel like I could do anything and technically, kill anything :P I promise I'm not into violence but getting in kills is one of the most satisfying things a noob can have in her bloodstream. 

Perhaps I may have convinced you to download the game? 

Let's spend some time playing today. :) Loosen up a little and settle some biznesssss

Your um good girl,

Ngoccieeee

P.S. Ngoc from the future (4/15) Katarina is freaking BADASS what the actual heck. I'mma go slash everything in my wayyyy <33

Random Update

I'm feeling all shaky, in my soul, my fingers, the tip of my head, after eating seven sweet tarts, three chocolate kisses, and a rice krispie treat.

Today is going to be a great day. 

Episode 53: That Crave

Over a month since I deleted the Facebook app off my phone. Such a simple thing. 

When I had the app, I would spend hours at a time scrolling until I found content that made me feel something. Anything. The butterflies. A good laugh. A good cry. If I stayed longer, I was convinced I would feel something new.

Yes, it's been over a month since the app disappeared from my phone, but my old habits reincarnated in other forms.

I read now, a lot. I read a variety of books. Books that make me feel smarter. Books that make my heart beat wildly. Or make me incredibly sad. Whatever feeling I'm searching for, I have a book for it. I have a song for it. I have a word for it. 

I never feel...full. Never quite. 

Or maybe I do feel full, but whatever fresh feeling I'm feeling eventually goes away. Then very quickly, I'm in search for the next thing.

It's as if at any sign of emptiness, I hurry off. 

Never realizing or appreciating the fullness when it's there. Or, yes, maybe I do appreciate the fullness but I fear every moment and at any sign that it'll dissipate.

Sometimes, I push myself. I wonder if I could feel more full than I usually do, if I were to do something else.

The search for gratification never stops. 

My attention span is much shorter than what it used to be. I'm one sad potato. 

Am I now reduced to what I search to consume? Search to feel? 

In Buddhism, the search for happiness is ridiculous. Happiness is a feeling. Feelings are fleeting. By searching for happiness, we suffer. Ironic, isn't it? We suffer our way towards that feeling. That fleeting ideal. 

And as desperately, we try our best to hold onto happiness for as long as we can. While we're happy, we wonder when it'll leave us. How long will it stay?

The search to feel is a craving. 

If we can cut this craving, and at least for a moment, wanting no more than what we already have, we can achieve a bit of peace. Counting our blessings. Stop the scramble. And exist.

Of course, I'm a hypocrite. And I'll always want to be happy. However, nothing is as secure as peace. But then you could argue that peace is also a feeling? So heck? 

Is it? 

Hm. Haha, I have no answers. Just a jumbo mumbo of thoughts in a pot.

What I do know is when I go outside after a long day, after hours of reading through government homeworks, after playing countless rounds of RWBY arena games on my phone, after exercising my shivering knee (yes, my knee can shiver-- ahhhhh it's weirdddd my friends), I open the front door. I visit my favorite plants. I sniff the refreshing cold air.

And I'm there. 

"There." A moment retrieved and saved. My mind clear. My face up to a sunless sky, or a sunny day, or a starless night, or a night decorated with lights. 

Everything is okay. For a moment. 

Perhaps I'm wrong. Or heck, I'm dead dead wrong. 

Peace is a feeling too then huh? But does it matter? Does it matter if I work my butt off to feel happy? To feel peace? Does it matter if I take deep breaths when I'm angry? 

Woah, oh no, I'm on a loose tangent again. 

It could matter and it could not. What I do know is experiencing peace, opens my heart. It opens my mind. It makes my breaths deeper. My eyes see farther. I feel like I've expanded, somewhere deep.

The beyond. For a bit. 

Sending an itty bitty bigly heart,

Ngoc

P.S. I miss you my friends. You know who you are. :(( :))