Episode 38 -- Far From Home

In less than ten hours, I will wake up to a sunless Houston morning. The birds won't be out, but the moon and stars will be, blinking good bye as my little home shrinks away in the rearview mirror. 

I will cry. Or maybe, I'll be too tired to cry. "It's not over until it's over," I'd remind myself. Except this time, it is. My childhood is over. 

My mother and sister would travel with me. That means leaving my father behind, the first man I ever loved in my life. Despite the tenseness of our relationship, despite the many unhappy arguments between him and I, all of those memories would vanquish as I cry my last good bye and as he drives away in the white truck my mother had bargained to the teeth for. 

I've taken everything for granted. I lived as if I'd have all these things forever. I lived as if there would never be a good bye. I never truly appreciated the people who've loved me these last 18 years, or the place I've called home. In short, I'm a fool.

I'm definitely being too dramatic about this. I'll return in four months. Four long months. Anything can change. There will be losses. There will be gains. I won't be there for my sister's 16th birthday. I won't be there to comfort her or hug her when she most needs it. I won't be there to catch up on the dish washing, haha. I won't be there for the many memories that I'd have if I were still here, at home. Gosh, and Yen. Ag, I'm going to miss sharing hugs with her, the greatest gift ever given to me -- my sister. 

I love my home. I love Houston. I love my family. 

Customers at the nail salon who have watched me grow up would perk up happily as I update them about where I'm attending college. I'd chirp, "Massachusetts. And no, I haven't shopped for winter clothing yet, haha." They'd respond, "Gosh, I'm so excited and proud of you. You're going to have an amazing time!" 

An amazing time. I'll have fun for sure. I'll meet new people of course. I just... I don't believe quite yet that I'm about to leave. It's upending me right now and last night, this simple fact: I'm flying out tomorrow morning. And that's that. 

An application to an out-of-state school never felt real until you're actually packing and buying 20 packets of different ramen for the first time. "In case you miss home AND you're hungry," Yen had said, as she advised me to buy ramen for Smith. 

Haha, believe it or not, I'm tearing us as I type this post. It's been months since I've written my last episode. It seems that it's only when I'm at my worst that I'm willing to sit down and type furiously away. 

Many years ago when I was three, I remember running around our small kitchen table over and over again. I pretended, in my head, that there was an imaginary younger sister I was chasing. It was morning. Dad had come in from outside with black oil on his hands and cheeks as always. As he was turning on the sink to wash his hands, he looked over at me and asked in a happy voice, "What is the one thing you want most in the world?" 

Without hesitation, I said, "A sister! A little sister to play with!"

"Well that's funny. You're getting one super soon!"

And in a blur, the ugliest thing I had ever seen in my life grew into the most adorable, lovable, kind, and attentive girl. I won't be able around to see her grow into an amazing young woman, as much as I wish I would... 

Lately, little pieces and memories like these would pop in my head and I'd yearn, more than anything, that I would be staying at home. Staying in Houston. 

I'm not yet finished with packing, haha. I'm positive that I'm missing a few essentials. I'm positive that I'll cry, a lot. Homesickness will settle in. I'd crave a flight home. I'd crave for a hug, a few words of encouragement, or just a letter from home. 

I don't know how to stay positive yet, but for sure, I will have to find my own place. I will have to challenge myself, more than ever, to make my own family, away from family. The goal here isn't to stay happy in college. That's not going to be possible for a first year like myself, heh. The goal here is to make choices that "future me" would look back on and be proud of and grateful for.

I'm going to make tons of mistakes. I can already feel it. First semester might just be downright awful. First semester might be utterly amazing. First semester might be a mix of the awful and the amazing. 

Stay tuned everyone. :)

(This is probably the most imperfect episode I've ever written. :P)

With love and gratefulness and plenty of fear,

Ngoc

P.s. It's only been 38 episodes guys. Thank you to everyone who have stuck around this little blog of mine and watched me grow. There's no proof yet that I have grown, haha, but I'm trying, every day, to be a little kinder, a little braver, and a little wiser. College might just expedite the process. :P

P.p.s.We haven't reached our goal of 100 episodes yet. You can count on my promise! :)

P.p.p.s. Sending my heart out to everyone else going out to college, far from home. You're brave. You deserve to be there. I'm rooting for you.

Episode 37 - A Little Braver

Out of over 20 scholarships I had applied for, I received one. Just the one. 

Of course it makes me kind of sad, knowing that there were over 19 rejections, haha. Sometimes, I even stay up for entire hours of the night wondering, "Had I tried harder... had I had more time... maybe I'm not enough." Countless rejection emails over the past few months have helped me brace for that ultimate feeling of "the end of the road". 

Perhaps it's just me, but rejection gets better and less bitter with time and experience. A close friend of mine once told me, "a sign of maturity is when you can handle rejection well and learn from it." 

In today's episode, I want to expand her take on rejection. 

Today, I'm going to attempt at not only readying us to brace rejection but to also embrace it. 

The thing that I've learned about opportunities is that sometimes, they present themselves to you. The other half of the time, it is you making that opportunity happen. Of course, it also depends on what types of opportunities would benefit you in ways that only you could figure out for yourself. 

For everyone, it's unique how opportunities come and go. 

For me, a new opportunity presented itself after a streak of "no's." 

The application of a summer internship came to me through an email. I remember looking at it hopefully but warily. "I might get rejected again, but... that's the worst case scenario isn't it?" 

It is with this mindset that I had applied, unknowingly unlocking a breadth of opportunities that I never knew existed for a post-high-school grad. 

Spoiler alert: I was accepted, haha. :) 

Endless and free amounts of a vast array of healthy snacks in the office's kitchen became my new reality. Just imagine, free Milanos. Free... baked Cheetos. Free bags of Pirate's Booty and coconut toasted Canadian waffles. Free. Not endless but... so many. (Of course, in the face of so many snacks, I've thickened. But alas, don't worry! Episode 36 carefully explains that I'm gonna exercise, guys. haha)

And every day, I am in constant contact with people who are so smart!! So.. knowledgeable in their respective fields from education, health, criminal justice, and to public finance systems. I am constantly humbled and inspired by my fellow co-workers. Every day that I wake up, even if it's hella early, I feel blessed. I feel... so grateful.

So the thing about opportunities, again? Sometimes, you have to ask around yourself. ^_^ Look where... a bit of asking and pestering got me. In less than two weeks, my internship is sending me out to DC to interview men who were recently incarcerated and despite the odds, have worked hard to give back to their communities. THAT is awesome... THAT is awesome and ALL I had to do was, ask, and ask often. I was basically being a pestering bug. I never imagined that I would have a free trip to DC to do something as amazing as this. Never. But do you really have to know what's out there before you apply yourself? Before you ask?

You don't have to know all the answers. I don't have to know all the answers. But sometimes, all it takes is being a little bit braver and more carefree in that moment that can change your life for the better. Be brave and embrace all the "no's" in the world. There's bound to be a "yes." 

In many episodes before this one, I've often talked about opportunity and why it's so important. And you're probably thinking, "er, Ngoc, girlll stahppppp."

No. :P 

You see, I was rejected many times. Each time hurt. like. hell. But the few times that my shot made it? I was amazed at what happened right after. 

The ball will definitely not always make it in, but for every ball that doesn't make it, just throwing the ball is enough. Practice doesn't make perfect. Practice makes you better. All of those practices are readying you for more successes later on in life. And who knows? Maybe that success can start as soon as today. :) 

So today, I challenge you to knock on all the doors you've been wondering about. 

What's the worst that can happen?

Easy, you can't enter their house. 

Haha, have a good one buddy! 

Let's be a little braver today, okay? 

Your girl,

Ngoc

P.s. woahhhh is Ngoc going to finally have a regular schedule with these episodes now? I dunnooooooooooooo. 

Worst case is a no. :P

Also this episode is NOT perfect, and it bugs me a little, but hey, it's not too shabby. not too shabby. I'm okay with that.:)

Episode 36 - A Different Lifestyle

It has been one month into summer... and it doesn't feel quite real that I will be going out of state in less than two months for college.

At the prospect of college, I tense up. I fear that I won't be able to truly take care of myself. I fear that I would suck at being an adult-in-training. 

So, last week, I felt that it has been enough of sitting around and doing nothing in the evenings. It is enough of going home and scrolling on my phone for hours until I tire myself out. 

Last week, I promised myself that each day, no matter how terrible I feel, I will exercise for at least half an hour. This time, it's not going to be a short-term idea. This time, it's a lifestyle change. This time, I'm changing my life by altering just one piece of it. This time, I'm writing my promise down on paper. With a pen, y'all.

It has been one week of blogilates and whatever else I could catch on. After each workout, I would feel so accomplished. I would feel so happy. 

What I had originally thought would be so grueling turns out to be amazing (and DEFINITELY grueling)... After each workout, I would feel so happy and whole and fulfilled. Of course, that's my endorphins surfacing but really. It's awesome. Imagine beads of sweat rolling off my forehead and chin and a wicked grin spreading across my face. That's me feeling like a boss. It was as if all this time, all I had to do was take care and nourish my body in order to feel this way. 

Beginning a good habit is promising yourself that you are going to change your life. You are going to feel uncomfortable sometimes. You are going to wonder, "Why, why am I doing this to myself?" I'm not just talking about exercising. I'm talking about anything that you can do for yourself consistently to make sure that you are happy and healthy. 

New motto on the blog here: Happy and Healthy. 

And it can be any small thing. You can begin promising yourself that you're going to journal at least once a week about your emotions. You are going to drink 8 cups of water a day. You are going to meditate. You are going to dance. You are going to do something that gives you more balance in your life. I can't tell you what that is. Youuuu are so smart. I trust you. ^-^

For me, that small thing has been exercising. Just this simple act of allotting half an hour a day to taking care of my body has nourished my mind. And it is knowing that I am disciplined enough to continue this promise to myself that gives me hope that "Yes, I can totally rock college. And yes, I can totally adult my way into awesomeness."

My parents will not be there for me when I'm in college, so it is up to me to take care of myself, watch out for myself, and sustain a happy and healthy Ngoc. No other way to put it. 

So, today, I challenge you to think about one small or medium or big thing that you can do to help you reach a happier, healthier version of yourself. 

Remember! 

Consistency is key. 

Writing it down somewhere, anywhere, to make it real is key. 

And celebrating each and every day is key. 

Wishing you the best. :) 

And I'll see you soon!

Love,

Ngoc

P.s. Oh gosh it has been a WHILE. But I am back!! Currently, I'm working at an internship and it's been keeping me on a chair for longggg periods of time. No worries! This girl is going to do as she says; she's going to exercise it out! See you in episode 37!

(Friend Series): My Lucy-Goosey-Goofy-Poofy

Without further ado! 

Today's person is my LUCY-GOOSEY-GOOFY-POOFY. 

You see this picture?

 

Lucy drew it for me, back when this blog was still in the middle stages of coughing up teenage feels. And hey, this blog will continue to barf up teenage emotions. However, it's important that people like Lucy exist. Without her, I would have just held in my internal, emotional mess. That's not good for anyone...  

I'm sure she's reading this. I'm sure a silly but satisfied grin is plastered on her face right now. I'm sure she's going to text me after reading this post about how I do just fine without her when in fact, that is untrue. Lucy, finally. Finally, there's an episode about you.

Lucy encouraged me to write again. She encouraged me to touch a Google Blogger Blog that had stayed empty and quiet ever since I left middle school. She supported me in the ways that she could: through her art. She would doodle me. She would doodle about my blog, even. The proof is up there, haha. And actually, this blog has existed since... my middle school years when Lucy didn't exist in my life yet. Yet, being the silly goose that she is, she managed to CIA stalk the hell out of me and find this blog. In our first year common applications course, she would verbally throw my own silly quotes at my face, accurately reciting bits of my blog that she thought appropriate in the moment.

I found myself shocked that something as dark and deep as my blog was found by someone as pure as my Lucy Goosey. After that, I got back into blogging, finding inspiration to write again. Outside of supporting this blog, Lucy has been a loyal friend to everyone around her. At times when I've felt sad or depressed in front of her, she makes herself available, going above and beyond for me and everyone else she's ever cared for.

She's such a spirited soul, lighting the way anywhere she walks. What's admirable about her is how fearless she is to speak her mind. I can see it now. Her getting into some debate over something with a teacher, and calmly standing her ground. Of course, it's also her to pick her battles. :P Smart gal. haha.

Lucy is a music enthusiast, especially for orchestra pieces. There was a frame of time when she would send me a new piece of music every day, just because I requested. Lucy is a giver. She's a sharer of good stuff. I love her lots for it. <3

I feel like I'm writing a recommendation letter.

HAHA, JOKINGGGG.

Lucy doesn't even need a recommendation letter. One day, just her name and her silly grin are enough to convince ANYone to hire her. Lucy is a world changer. She's a visionary. Sometimes, she just needs a small push just as she has pushed me to continue something I thought I had quit.

She always tries to see the best in people and sometimes, that makes her vulnerable against the worst in people. I hope that... as you're reading this Lucy, that whoever takes advantage of you get what they deserve: a really mean blog post by me, THE NGOC MACHINE.

I'm a monster when I wanna be. ;)

With this all said Lucy, thank you for being you.

You're you. And that's that. And the world needs more of you. I'll say that. <3

Send me more cute stuffs whenever Luceeeey Gooseyyyy,
your ngoc ngoc :P

(Friend Series: Episode 1) My Con -- My Yen -- My Friend for Life

Haha, hi there buddy!

You know, I actually have an updated version of this blog on a Weebly site. 

Here's the site if you're curious, heh: https://ngocloveslife.weebly.com/

And you know what happened? 

I forgot my password. Yup. I'm a dumb butt. I've spent four years in high school and still haven't matured a day, :(.

Goodness, I'm a mess and summer has barely began, ahaha. 

Anywaysss. 

This episode is new and special because it is part of a series about people that have positively affected my life. I just graduated from high school so... recalling those wonderful moments with these people will be a treat for me. :)

Without further ado...

My sister, Yen.

How does one even attempt to do justice to someone as special as one's owns sister?

It's kind of impossible. My goal here is to write something that she would be happy with. :)

Yen is younger than me, by three years. However, our age gap is just something we never notice. It's honestly as if I'm the younger one. Haha. I'm so careless and foolish and I act on my emotions more than my logic. She... Yen is driven by something other. Everyday, she finds the will to exercise, to attend her Thai boxing classes despite how tired she feels at the end of the day. Yen has this incredible amount of inner motivation that gets her through the toughest situations and that inspires me every day (even if hell, I need to seriously exercise more) to become a more motivated person. 

Funny story. When I was 5 years old and Yen was 2, I was FED UP with how my parents got to call my little sister "con" and I couldn't. Context here but the word "con," in Vietnamese means "child" in a loving way... haha. Anyways, I got so mad that I felt rebellious that day and announced in my loudest little kid voice, "FROM NOW ON, I WILL CALL YEN 'CON'!" And... today I still do. She even considers herself my child, hahaha, because she really is my child, in a lot of ways. :P

Yen's my child when she comes up for cuddles. Every night, it's a tuck-in routine. "Come and hug meeeee," she'd say with open arms and puppy dog eyes. The high school kid she-devil would look so adorable that I'd give in. You're probably thinking, "that's hella weird." It is but is it really? 

People would comment about how rare it is to see sisters be so close. Perhaps that's true for other sister relationships, but I'm glad that what Yen and I have is an exception. I can't imagine anyone else in the world who I would love to share sushi with more, watch a Disney princess movie with, karaoke Vietnamese break-up ballads with, or just sit somewhere and talk with. 

She has a globe full of knowledge within her even if she doesn't consider herself "book smart." Like, honestly, she's an expert on most things related to martial arts. Heck, this girl is a boxer/wrestler. She is SO FREAKIN POWERFUL. BUT GUESS WHO WINS WE ACTUALLY WRESTLE? (me :P) 

On top of all this cake, she's easily one of the most outgoing, loving, and giving people I know. If she considers you to be special, then she will go out of her comfort zone, out of her way, to spend time with you. She makes time for the people she loves. She makes time for me, all the time. And oof... being the fool and jerk and bih that I am, I do not prioritize her or her time as often as I should... yooo but I'm still working on it. Yeah. I just hope that I get better at it enough that she'll be happy with me. heh. 

*sigh* 

There really is so much I can say about this girl. BECAUSE I LIVE WITH HER DUH. Yo, I even sleep with her. She's just so freaking adorable and cuddly and squishy. She's like a squishy pillow with a cute little fat round face to do lots of squishy things with. <3 she's the absolute cutest. <3 

And, the kindest. The kindest soul you'll ever meet. Giving in all the ways that you can imagine. She has taught me so many life lessons and one of them, one of the most importannt ones is... making time for those you love. And today, in this small corner of the world, I made a bit of time to write about this girl. About Yen. About my con. 

againnnnn there is just sooo much I can say about her. However, as I move onto the next chapter of my life pretty soon, college, I hope that as she's reading this, as YOU'RE reading this Yen, that you always know you're my most favorite person in the world (besides mom of course!). That I'll always love you. And that I'll always (MOST OF THE TIME, NO PROMISES MY HONEY BUN BUNS) make time for you. 

You're the love of my life. <3 You're my friend for life. <3 

From the makers of Nemanji and chubby person full of soft fats,

Ngoc

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 35 - Change and Selfishness

I'm selfish. No secret there.
How do I know? 
To be honest, I've known this since forever.

Only recently has it hit me; my selfish decisions have consequences.

This fall, as you know, I'll be attending a college outside of my home state. This decision means leaving behind my mother, my sister, people I love. A city that I cherish. My childhood home. All the memories and places I've been a part of for the last 18 years... 

It all started when I began developing my college list.

I only looked at out-of-state schools, believing that I would grow into the best version of myself far from home. Believing that the strongest kind of bird is the one that flies farthest from the nest. That was what I believed. Maybe that's true. Maybe it's not. It's too early to know. But that was what drove me to be where I am today: a girl feeling pangs of regret. 

Choosing where to spend my next four years is a gift and a curse. I only thought of myself. I tried to be smart about it... asking questions like... 
"Where would I be happy?"
"Is it pretty there?"
"Will I fit in?" 

Questions that bug and burn me today. Is Smith the right choice? It's too cold. I get sick easily. If I'm sick, no one will make my favorite warm rice porridge in the morning. If I'm cold, no one will be there to put a scarf around my neck. If I'm burning with a fever, no one will be there to put a hand to my forehead and tell me to go back to bed... I won't even be able to celebrate my birthdays with my family anymore. I'm an 18 year old girl. I know I don't sound like one right now... haha.

Hey, I know I'm not alone in this. I know I'm not a special case. I'm not the only one leaving my home. However, this feeling of inevitability makes my heart ache. There's a mix of loneliness and just... gosh the ache. It's going to hurt so much. That's the scary part. Anticipating the pain. 

Of course I'll have my college community to turn to. But my real family is thousands of miles away. My mother who labors every day... my retired father who reminds me to eat every hour... my sister who craves her bedtime stories and hugs. Lots of hugs. I'm going to miss them.

And my city. My home. There are going to be plenty of things to miss...

Of course, being the person I am, I've thought up of a few solutions to my homesickness. However, again, it's too early to know. Lots of things are too early to know... But one thing is for sure, I've just got to get there, go through it all, and learn from my own experiences. Being a first-generation college student, there are many experiences I've yet to understand. Both the good and the bad and the absolutely amazing or the absolutely terrible. 

I'm not ready yet. But.

I'm going to need to be brave. Brave enough to meet new people. Brave enough to start again. Brave enough for new experiences. And possibly, build my own community, my own Smithie family away from family. 

I'll need to have faith in myself. Believing that no matter what, I'm going to make it out alive. I'm going to be okay. Future Ngoc is going to be safe. You're going to be safe too, if you're reading this. We're going to make it. Gosh, it's going to be tough. So tough and sometimes you're going to break a little at the rims. But I promise, we're going to make it somehow. 

You probably don't believe me. And that's okayyyy.

I'm having trouble believing in myself too, haha. 

Hey. The first step to getting over something is fully accepting your reality and your consequences. 

With that said, I think I've already taken the first step. I'm going to be gone for a short while and return as a more wise version of Ngocie-poo. 

Hell, come what may. We're going to be okay. 

BRING IT ONNN

Your girl with lots of love and hope,
Ngoc

Link to a beautiful sad song O___O: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYTJ9YUb6TA

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 34 - Little Changes

The problem with busy schedules is not having enough time for the one person that should matter the most: yourself.

Attending a challenging school for the past four years have thrown my balance off.

Through the piles of work and the lengthy hours...it's difficult to find a way back. It's difficult to find a balance between my own health and my grades. THAT IS SAD.

One evening, as I was knocking out an assignment, I heard my sister calling for me from our bedroom, "Ngoc! Let's meditate!" I was hesitant. Already, in my head, I was weighing out the pros and cons of how a little self-care would affect my schedule. SAD right? The same routine plays itself every Tuesday during homeroom period when yoga class was an open door. I always wanted to do it. So I thought, "wouldn't it be fun if my best friend can join me as well?" She's learned to prioritize her time super well so whenever I invited her along, it was usually a negative.

"Ngoc, I have something I have to do...."

"ah, I understand," I'd reply. And that's the thing; I do understand. *sigh*

It's these little instances in life, when I would realize how much our work can dampen our own personal lives, that hurt me. It'd make me think, "Will I ever find a healthy and sustainable balance between my work and my life?" 

I imagined being 18 to be different, you know?

I thought I'd have my life figured out by now. I thought I'd be hotter. I thought I'd be more confident. I thought many many things. And I believed they would all happen, until they didn't. Until now. haha.

It's not that they didn't happen. It's just feel that I'm not there yet. A part of me fears that I may never get to the place I want to be. 

Maybe it doesn't have to always be this way. Maybe we let this process of putting our own life on hold.... we just let it happen. I've let it happen.

Western new year came and went. Asian Lunar New Year came and went.

I've had two chances to redesign this year, to redesign my life.

Little changes can and have made a difference. 

This year, even if it is mid-February!  x'D

I've promised myself that I'd learn to healthily and sustainably take care of my body and mind.
Why? Because I am the guardian of my own body and the guardian of my own soul. It is up to me to protect myself and make sure that I live and live well.

(also, your girl is gonna go to college so we gotta speed this process UPPPP.)

It it up to me to return to a perhaps wiser version of myself. The girl who called herself the pilot of her own life. The girl that found drops of happiness just by swinging on a hammock in mosquito-filled summers.

So.

Here's my little regimen until the end of February. (we'll need to spice things up for March. :P)

I think that once I write this down, there's no turning back. -_-

- cut down sugar intake (ooof)
- 500 jump-ropes a day
- read a book 20 minutes at least per day
- at least one Blogilates video a day

*sigh*

Little things, am I right?

Tiny steps that add up~ 

I'll meet you at the other side. Let's find our new balance together!

I challenge you to make two or more little positive changes in your life for just two weeks. Maintain it. And celebrate it. Let's.

From giving yourself more time to rest or more time to dance or just hang out with your friends more... anything.

With that said, I part you with this; Cheesy. But. True.

Let's live our lives a little healthier and happier. ^_^