(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 34 - Little Changes

The problem with busy schedules is not having enough time for the one person that should matter the most: yourself.

Attending a challenging school for the past four years have thrown my balance off.

Through the piles of work and the lengthy hours...it's difficult to find a way back. It's difficult to find a balance between my own health and my grades. THAT IS SAD.

One evening, as I was knocking out an assignment, I heard my sister calling for me from our bedroom, "Ngoc! Let's meditate!" I was hesitant. Already, in my head, I was weighing out the pros and cons of how a little self-care would affect my schedule. SAD right? The same routine plays itself every Tuesday during homeroom period when yoga class was an open door. I always wanted to do it. So I thought, "wouldn't it be fun if my best friend can join me as well?" She's learned to prioritize her time super well so whenever I invited her along, it was usually a negative.

"Ngoc, I have something I have to do...."

"ah, I understand," I'd reply. And that's the thing; I do understand. *sigh*

It's these little instances in life, when I would realize how much our work can dampen our own personal lives, that hurt me. It'd make me think, "Will I ever find a healthy and sustainable balance between my work and my life?" 

I imagined being 18 to be different, you know?

I thought I'd have my life figured out by now. I thought I'd be hotter. I thought I'd be more confident. I thought many many things. And I believed they would all happen, until they didn't. Until now. haha.

It's not that they didn't happen. It's just feel that I'm not there yet. A part of me fears that I may never get to the place I want to be. 

Maybe it doesn't have to always be this way. Maybe we let this process of putting our own life on hold.... we just let it happen. I've let it happen.

Western new year came and went. Asian Lunar New Year came and went.

I've had two chances to redesign this year, to redesign my life.

Little changes can and have made a difference. 

This year, even if it is mid-February!  x'D

I've promised myself that I'd learn to healthily and sustainably take care of my body and mind.
Why? Because I am the guardian of my own body and the guardian of my own soul. It is up to me to protect myself and make sure that I live and live well.

(also, your girl is gonna go to college so we gotta speed this process UPPPP.)

It it up to me to return to a perhaps wiser version of myself. The girl who called herself the pilot of her own life. The girl that found drops of happiness just by swinging on a hammock in mosquito-filled summers.

So.

Here's my little regimen until the end of February. (we'll need to spice things up for March. :P)

I think that once I write this down, there's no turning back. -_-

- cut down sugar intake (ooof)
- 500 jump-ropes a day
- read a book 20 minutes at least per day
- at least one Blogilates video a day

*sigh*

Little things, am I right?

Tiny steps that add up~ 

I'll meet you at the other side. Let's find our new balance together!

I challenge you to make two or more little positive changes in your life for just two weeks. Maintain it. And celebrate it. Let's.

From giving yourself more time to rest or more time to dance or just hang out with your friends more... anything.

With that said, I part you with this; Cheesy. But. True.

Let's live our lives a little healthier and happier. ^_^

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 33 - England + Friends + Soccer + Swings

"I'm in England.... agh. I'm so aloneee againnnn aagggg. I have to make new friends AGAINNN. HELP," were the first thoughts running through my head as I met the other five students who I would be living intimately with. For two. whole. weeks. help.

So... here I am.

About to tell you the most special moments of my England trip and I even have a special surprise at the end of this episode. ^_^ This episode is incredibly long and I have to warn you that much, because... I grew so much from my trip to England this past summer that the length of this episode itself should prove my point to you. And in more ways than one, this blog episode is just a mere way to document my own growth as an individual... the next problem is... where to actually start, :).

Let's start with the phone call, which I still remember vividly. "Dieungoc, would you accept a spot on the BAFTX Juniors Achievers trip to England?" I remember incoherently screaming a "Yes!!"

Then, I remember the take-off.

I remember the incredible amount of boiling excitement inside. How I couldn't wait to dorm with a roommate from another state. How I couldn't wait to see the Stonehenge and Westminster Abbey and take lots of selfies so my Mom wouldn't be mad. Heh. How I would have to use Wi-Fi to communicate back home. And how far away from home I'd be. Wow.

Those first moments were the epitome of what it meant to be young and free and on a plane. x"D

But, once I arrived in England and realized they drove on the left side, that's when insecurity started bustling in.

Clearly, I'm a socially anxious person. Sure..., I can be outgoing if I want to be. Just, I was so physically and even emotionally drained that as I met new and incredibly trendy souls, I found myself not wanting to catch up. I found myself not wanting to try to fit in, because all I wanted was to meet a group of super chill people who I could be myself with: clueless, yappy, calm me. I just wanted to be calm. I just wanted to be my genuine, lazy self who didn't talk that often because she just wanted to listen. However, finding such a group of people was difficult.

So....I began opening up to my roommate. (By the way, roommates are like, automatic friends if you can vibe with them. :)) ^_^ Apparently, my roommate wasn't another girl from another state. She was Diana. My best bud on the plane from my hometown! The same girl I had already shared an airplane ride with and guess what? WE BOTH JOURNAL, OHMIGOD. I was incredibly relieved that I would dorm with someone I was already comfortable with. So... that meant... sleeping with her wouldn't be a problem! x'D

We shared late-night stories. We shared korean dramas together. We even shared the bathroom and that worked out pretty well. Hahehaheh. OhmigodI'msoweirdaggggg. So many aspects of our lives were shared that I found myself opening up to Diana very quickly. What's a bonus is her bright yet calm energy. Bright yet calm. Gosh. Finally. "Finally," my heart whispered. "Finally," I responded.

Gradually, she and I wanted to expand our friend group. That meant meeting new people. So.

The first few days were super exploratory. Soooo exploratory that Diana and I both agreed to (1) separate if we had to, just to meet new faces (2) be there for each other if either of us got toooo socially anxious (3) promise each other that at the end of day, "babe, there's gonna be that k-drama on youtube we can always watch sooooo... let's have fun now!~" and (4) lots and lots of "You got this!" encouragements.

So yes. I was sooooo socially anxious that I even made an Awkward Pact for Socially Anxious People. But, that kind of honesty? It got me far. Being honest with myself and others I trusted. How far did it get me?

You'll see.

So, onto the trip itself! (yeap. my transitions are as awkward as ever... O_O)

As I explored England and walked upon hundreds and thousands of years of history, I began to finds bits and pieces of my adventurous spirit. I rediscovered the girl who still idealized history, truth, and justice as I traversed through the Holocaust exhibition in the Imperial War Museum, the girl who talked about how fresh the breeze felt and how blue the ocean is ("UNLIKE GALVESTON!!") as I sat down and devoured my first authentic plate of fish and chips in Brighton, watching the puffy clouds drift by over Brighton's blue beach. (But welp, I have to warn you. The water was absolutely freezing.) I rediscovered the girl who enjoyed the warm presence of meeting another quality human being instead of thrilling, firework-like friendships as I sat down with a small group of friends, united by our love for slow tea-sipping. There were so many moments of vivid self-discovery, so much laughter, and so much warmth. It was truly as if I had already built another family away from home.

I began to discover new facets within myself. I was far too surprised to admit it then, but England had helped shape me into a more wise, more open-minded individual than I could ever hope to be without it. 

One of the most life-changing lessons of the trip for me was this: moments don't just come to you, you make them. And how would I possibly know? I lived it!

It was a cool, breezy evening. Coming back from a long day of walking throughout London and admiring art pieces from the Tate Modern, Diana and I decided to just call it a day. "We're gonna head back and take a longggg nap. Maybe past bedtime."

Except before we even reached our dorm, one of the other girls whom we had rarely conversed with, reached out to us and asked,  "Hey guys? You guys wanna play tennis tonight?"

Before I could utter how weary I was, Diana looked at me and mouthed, "new friends!" and turned back to the new girl to reply for me. "Yes! We'd love to play." And that sealed the deal for that evening. Tennis with new buddies. Tennis despite how tired we all felt. But gosh, as I sit here and type up this blog, I am far more grateful now that Diana replied as she did. Her hesitant but excited, "Yes!"

And off we headed to the courts just a walk away from the school. Walking as a small group of 6-ish students, I felt... something happen. The makings of something magical felt all too real in the air that evening, yet at the time, I wasn't able to put a finger on it. Joking around and playing tennis together. Awfully. Awfully. Without anyone keeping score, a bunch of noobies played together under the darkening, orange sky. I felt connected. I felt present and tied by nothing but laughter and love. Perhaps I sound like a friendless teenager. For sure, I sound lame, but that night was the beginning of a beautiful friendship among our small group of friends. We weren't just building camaraderie; we were building family. 

But it was soccer games that solidified my newfound friendships, at least, for me, haha. Gosh, soccer... my inner FIFA World Cup fan came out and I played as if I was a Croatian soccer player, fast and tough.

Through daily, YES, DAILY, games of evening soccer together (3 v 3), my friends and I were each other's defenders, opponents, and cheerleaders. Racing through the wide, green field, I found myself at ease and in tune with the girl who may not be able to run as fast as the other kids but loved to run just the same. Of course, most of the time I was out of breath and survived as my team's goalie, haha. After the two-hour length games, we would all wearily walk to the swing sets on the playground further away. It was on the swings and benches that we would share stories about our lives back home. Where we hoped to end up maybe 4 years from now. 6 years from now. I still keep those conversations deep in my heart. And if you were there, you would see us all trying to balance on this ride that twirls you around and around, laughing. You would hear us play loud music and belt our voices as loud as we could to Let It Go or some American rock classic. Just kids, all with difficult, uncertain futures and lives back home. Yet despite that, we managed to bond over the simplest things: sports and music.

And if you were walking alongside us in Brighton along the busy shops and the boba shops, you would see us all grouped together, carefully crossing the streets in our summer sandals, laughing about some musical nonsense. In those moments, I felt as if my heart was home. It felt as if... a part of me would always belong to those moments, belong to England.

Gosh. England...

On my plane back to Houston, there was more than enough evidence to say that I had just made a lifetime of happiness and friendships in the span of two weeks. I kept these friendships and though, today, the group chat is clearly not as alive as it used to be, the support is still there. We all separated back into our lives and promised each other we would live them to the best of our ability. It is difficult to communicate how proud I am of every single person I met on the trip and how I hope they really live their dreams. Each of them deserve that and more.

For me, my dreams lied in... "what are my next steps to getting into the college of my dreams?"

Hence, after England, I worked hard and spent the rest of the summer applying to college fly-ins. My adventurous spirit flourished as I got accepted into not one but four college fly-ins: Bryn Mawr, Smith, Macalester, and Washington and Lee.

I was fortunate enough to attend three of them. Bryn Mawr, Smith, and Washington and Lee. Each of those fly-ins felt as if I was reliving England except the location was different, the people were different, but the adventure was still there. The adventure would always be there. And it was with that mindset that made each and every fly-in so unique and memorable. England taught me that I can be thrown into a whole new world and still flourish like no one's business. ^_^ And that is an aspect of myself that won't go away any time soon. Haha.

Lastly... I think it's the finale almost. But I still haven't shared with you which college I will be attending next fall. :P

So. Without further ado, YES. I'm going to be a SMITHIEEEEEE!!!!!!

My ultimate decision to choose Smith lies not in the fact that it was far from home or that it was an all-women's but in the belief that this is the one place I can see myself becoming the best version of myself just as England encouraged me to be. England has, undoubtedly, taught me many life lessons, but it has also helped inform my decisions after it. 

And so... this episode was just a summary of a trip I've been needing to document. As you can see, I grew a lot. Of course, I'm still socially anxious! But, I'm braver now. On each trip and every trip, from England to the individual fly-ins... I always met at least one person I clicked with. And that? That deserves its own episode.

But for now, this episode if more of a focus on how adventure can inspire self-growth and just as importantly, self-exploration. I am a greater person today than I was before England. And I hope that you can find your own adventures and make what you will of each and every one of them.

I hope that this episode of mine inspires you to do that at least.

It's a new year~ so throw yourself into a new and uncomfortable world. 

You'll see what I mean. ^_^

And if you want, I'd love to hear how you've taken that advice. :)

So. Hey. Let's... let's get it. Let's do this thing.

Let's be brave.

Your socially-anxious-but-not-so-socially-anxious girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Thank you Anastasia and Lucy and Daanish and Charlie and Liana and Prasha and Paramita and everyone else I forgot to mention who supported me. Thank you for being a part of my blog journey and encouraging me to reach this far. Maybe all you said was, "hey, Ngoc, not bad." BUT, that was enough to get me here today. Thank you so much.

P.p.s. I know that each of my episodes are imperfect in some way. But thank you so much for reading them, whoever you are. <3

(Just Life with Ngoc) : Episode 32 - "Failing Well"

Failure. Is. Tough.

Yet... so unavoidable. So integral in the human experience.

Yes, you've heard that before. I'm sure you have.

But for those who have yet to experience it... failure is just that: tough. Tough to swallow. Tough to get out of. Tough to admit.

About two months ago, my mentor led a group discussion, focusing on just that: failure.

"Why?" she asked. "Why would you not want to talk about failure?"

My friends and I had various answers:

"Admitting to failure is like swallowing your pride," said one.

"I don't... I don't know. It's just that failure has a negative connotation," another said.

"The fact that the failure even happened means I didn't try hard enough."

These are just the few answers I can vaguely remember on the top of my head this time of the evening, haha. But, really.... failure. Failure, hm?

Everyone had their own definition of failure and what failure meant to them. You probably have your own definition too. Whatever it is, I need you to pause here and think about it. Think about what failure means to you and why you probably wouldn't talk about it.

.
.
.

You got it? Yes? Good. Alrighty. We'll come back to that shortly. ^_^

The most impactful pieces of my group conversation that day was... just how can we make failure a positive thing? How can we accept failure for what it is: a learning, growing experience? instead of suppressing it within us and letting it stay there, festering into something bigger than it is?

And hey. I'm not some inexperienced soul here.

I've recently began a club at my high school and despite mass advertising for two entire weeks, I guess my co-founders and I wasn't able to find a way to appeal our new club to the masses well enough... because.. at the interest meeting, only three people showed up, haha. My friends and I had prepared tirelessly, making sure things were together... that day, I felt so internally shaken. I was at a loss of words. My friends too didn't know what to say. We were nowhere close to our goals if we started off as weak as we were. That day had a lot to teach me.

Perhaps, failure doesn't get easier with time, but it does gets easier with experience. The blows grow softer each time.

So continuing the story, my club's first official meeting became a huge success of... 10 people! Yeah!! Haha. However, the second meeting right after was a huge bump in the road. Only three people showed up and I was a one-man show, because one of my friends was facing some emotional turmoil. And. Yeah. It's as awkward as it sounds. All the plans we had made nights before had to be altered on the spot. I was scared. Scared that I've failed. Again. But... this time, the wave of self-doubt didn't hit me as strongly as the first time I faced failure. 

And why is that?

Because that first interest meeting served as a vaccine for the next failure I encountered with my club. And yes... there were definitely more club-related mishaps, but the point is... failure can be an emotional vaccine for future failures. It shocks you less. AND you're prepared to move the heck on.

I've moved on and I've learned. But each time I've "failed," I can only be grateful for the experience I had. I can only accept what happened and move on. I can either submit to the weight of it or leverage my journey onward with what I know now. It's not the end of the world. In fact, it's the beginning each time, because the knowledge I've garnered whenever I've tripped and fallen were all the more crucial down the line of experience. I've become a better person because of it all. ^_^

And what's more? Don't give up despite the vmsdklfvnerivsnr of failure. Please. Don't.

Here's a Rocky quote I think really relates to this episode:

“Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.” — Rocky

hell yeah.

Lastly hey. I know you're reading this and thinking, "Sounds great. Don't give up to? Sure."

Yes. All of that and more. But seriously, do me a favor and the next time you encounter this ish yourself, I need you to write about it. Open a Word Doc on your laptop or spill pen on paper and really break what you're feeling down. Not every aspect of what you did leading up to your mishap was necessarily a negative thing. Break it down into bits and soak in what you feel.

Because I hope that when it comes, when failure hits you, that you'll have an honest conversation with yourself. And that no matter what, you'll appreciate yourself and how far you've come; there's so much more road left to run. 

Don't give up. Champion the heck out of it all, and get up.

Be brave for me. I believe in you. :)

Your Girl Who Failed Quite a Bit, haha,
Ngoc

P.s. For the record, the second meeting was still a success. At least to me! Despite a showing of 3, my members were so incredibly loyal and we came up with the most radical and amazing ideas about how to change the world.!~ 

P.p.s. New Year is around the corner and as always, I am deeply grateful for the memories I've made this semester so far. The people who've stayed and taken care of me. The people who, despite their hectic schedules, still say, "Yes, Ngoc. I got you." It's people like you that keep me motivated to be optimistic, hopeful, and brave. And it's people like you that make the world a truly better place, just by being who you are. 

(Just Life With Ngoc): Shortie Episode 31 -- The Little Things

Perhaps it's just a "Ngoc" a thing, but the reality is, all it takes is one small, wonderful thing to make my day. Heck. Yes.

Yesterday was an awful day. One word describes yesterday best: CHAOTIC. It was even... PAINFUL,

I was running around school during lunch and homeroom and even between transition periods, trying to communicate to various situations coming at me. Mostly family related....I felt as if I was going to collapse at any moment. Physically, I was sick. Mentally, I was anywhere but school. I just wanted everything to just... stop. Pause a second and catch my breath. Listen to silence and soak in it for as long as I needed. 

But alas, yesterday proved to me again how resilient I have to be to overcome tough situations that life hands me. 

But you know what? All it took were some of my friends, who noticed that I hadn't had lunch :(, to remind me, "Hey. Ngoc. This is going to pass. I believe in you. And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me." 

(Hey. You know who you are. The three of you. Thank you so much. <3)

I would not have been able to pull through the rest of the day without those words. It was as if time slowed down in that wonderful moment. For the rest of the day, if I felt as if I was truly going to collapse, my mind would replay that short but beautiful moment over again and again. Maybe the actual encouragement itself, the words, have grown hazy. But that warm, happy feeling that someone out there (and in this unique situation, someone(s)) believed in me won't ever go away. If I would only give myself two seconds to appreciate the seemingly little things that people who cared for me have done, then I would have enough to carry me through for hours, days, weeks, and even years to come. 

I hope you can find that too, whoever you are. I hope you can find the little things in life that truly do make your day. Let yourself remember. Let yourself soak in that warmth. I know you'll make it.  

Your good vibes girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Shout-out to you..  I hope you know who you are. If you don't, I'm going to be sad. :( :P

Thank you for hugging me buddy. Even if you've reminded me countless times that you're NOT a hugger. <3 It meant so so much. ^_^

(Just life with Ngoc): Episode 30 -- AP Classes (-_-')

Heya readers,

Your girl Ngoc here. Finally! Yay! I'm back!!!

But I'm gonna discuss AP classes? Wuhtttt?!!?

I know. Lame. But seriously.

AP classes are a huge part of my life and maybe even yours, yet unknowingly, I've let it take over-- a little too late to get out of the entire kaboozo now. heh.

So let me clarify everything with a story.

It was around the wee hours of midnight. As usual, I was staying up for an assignment again. Maybe the assignment was especially difficult. Or maybe it was the fact that I've suffered chronic sleep deprivation for weeks and weeks. Nah, more like months.

The weariness began to increasingly settle somewhere deep within my soul and my eyes slowly adjusted away from my assignment. I kind of just stared off into space. A few minutes more of pondering "why am I putting myself through this.... tiredness again? What the **** is motivating me to stay up so late despite EXHAUSTION?!?!"

And then I came to a (and I think a very obvious) realization that I really did just waste the last four years of my high school career. Yeah. y-u-p

It was a LOT to take in.

(okieee let's break this down. W_E_L_P)

What felt so overwhelming was this immediate realization that I had... let college be the center of my life for as long as I could remember.

Dark. Yeah.

And because I did that, I had attempted many times to look great on paper. Of course, I still don't, heh. But the point is... I had willingly subjected myself to take AP courses I had no interest in, fully believing that that would make me look more competitive on college applications...That perhaps, as a low-income Southeast Asian girl who seemed as if she was challenging herself, I would have a chance to make it big.

A chance to escape a label I grew up with: "low-income student who will probably end up going to a CC nearby. wow."

I mean, hey. Let this girl get into an Ivy or a LAC if she wants. Let the girl dream, right?

But perhaps I dreamt and longed for college way too much? I remember starting high school so optimistically. Joining multiple clubs that seemed super cool at once but in reality, I just ended up unable to dedicate to any of them because of my course load. I was invited to multiple parties and declined every single one of them because of either homework or because I thought that for every lost hour of work, that equates to a lesser chance of me making it to... well... making my dreams come true. -_- Not only that, but throughout my years at  --- (Let's call my high school Hardie) --- Hardie, I fervently felt the need to take as many APs as I could, trying to show off my academic skills to colleges...hoping I'd stand out....

I had slept many late nights, believing that this would all be worth it. That I would come out stronger, better. Convinced that all my weariness and lack of social life were mere opportunity costs towards something greater, a small sacrifice for the grand amount of opportunities I'll have when I get that acceptance letter to the school of my dreams.

Yeah. That's a pretty standard way to survive high school, yes? And maybe it's because I'm Asian so this all immediately fits into the AZN STUDENT STEREOTYPE. gREAT.

But right now, as I sit here pondering the last few years, I can't help but feel as if I've seriously messed up.

Gosh, my feelings are everywhere right now, but what I do know in this moment, is that instead of loading my life with as many AP courses as I did, I wish I entered high school with a different mindset; I should have focused on myself.

Instead of building a shiny resume, I should have focused on developing myself as a person. Exploring myself. Having new experiences and building a stronger, more resilient young woman.

I mean, sure, yes, I kind of did do that. Through this blog, of course! But the truth is, I wish I had more time to myself for myself. More free time to explore who I am and who I want to be in the safe time frame that is high school. Not that college isn't a great place to do that, but instead of investing 99% of my energy into a future I am unsure of, I should have invested in myself... in the present. In the absolute reality that I know and build off from there... *And most of that really means loving myself and giving myself more time to do anything. Even if that really means staring blankly at a wall for 15 minutes. Funny, but you and I can build a universe in the span of 15 minutes.*

And not only that but... I feel as if I've lost my childhood to hours and weekends full of homework and poor time management on my part. If I can redo high school, then I would only wish to make more time to spend with my family and friends. All those mindless hours of stress and work and assignments and preparing for a test or a quiz, fearful of B's and C's.... wow. A waste. I remember and will probably remember none of that.

Had I filled those working hours with bonding experiences or new experiences, I would have more to remember. More to be happy about as I reminisce instead of a timeless zap back into a past full of sad versions of Ngocs just sitting somewhere, hovering yet again over her laptop or reading a textbook. Sad. Pathetic. No fun.

I wish I had more time. No. I wish I made more time for the people that mattered to me. I wish I made more time and was braver to try new experiences. I wish that I.... well. It's all in the past now, isn't it?

What I still have in my hand is the present. Glorious. Beautiful. Resilient. Now. And you and I? We're gonna make the very best with what we have without.... without neglecting the hw and the tests and quizzes. They're still important too, but just don't be me and put them all in your direct eyesight. Heh.

I'm not going to end this episode with any piece of advice for you, my faithful audience. Advice are words you grab onto if you desperately need it. So to leave this open-ended almost, I'll leave some advice for myself instead, if that's okay. :P

(Advice-to-self: So. Ngoc. When you're in college or anywhere else later in life, I need you to focus more on building friendships and enjoying, basking in the life right in front of you. Of course, don't entirely neglect your studies dumbo, because college is $$$$$$$. I mean, as long as you don't become an AP course and overload your life with the ish that does not matter. 

But.... just... give yourself more space to dance and climb and experience and build more layers of an already pretty cool human. I trust you can do it, buddy. We may not know what we'll want in the future, but for now, what we want is to be happy. And hopefully, die happy. Bless your soul.)

Let's leave this world with a SHUBANG!

Thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog! <3333

Your most optimistic soul,
Ngoc

P.s. It's been months months since I've written my last episode... ohmigod. But hey. I promise I'll get back on our feet.  I love writing episodes for my blog. It's just... soo... freeing. 
So. I will. be. back. ^_^

P.p.s. Also. Would it be weird if I called my audience the.... "Ngoc-ers"? :P 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 29 - I Saved Myself

Dear Readers...

Hey there! Hahaha, I'm actually in tears right now. Just.. yeah. I feel... pretty... broken. Well. Ouch...

How do I... how do I say this?

Simply put, I felt so broken a few moments ago.

It's actually 12:31 am right now. The 22nd of August. All around me is silence. All around me is... uncertainty of a future I cannot begin to comprehend. Even worse than Episode 7's vivid demonstration. HAH.

But what I can say is... as broken as I felt a few moments ago... I still reached for my phone. Quickly turned to one of my own earlier episodes here on this blog: Episode 20 - Love Yourself. And I read it. I read it twice. From beginning to end. My own words of wisdom. Reread. By phone light. And me, all alone in the darkness of my own living room.

As I read through episode 20... through my own words. It was truly a special episode to me.... conveying a lesson I am still very much learning. Loving myself. Despite whatever I may be going through. Despite... despite the pits and falls of an ever-changing reality that is my life.

I am glad.. that I am here. Gosh.. I felt... as if I needed saving. I still feel that. But the surety, the confidence that episode 20 had in myself... I was readily reminded of how strong I am. How strong I was. And how strong I can be.

This really isn't an episode as you can see. It's.. haha, more like a girl who's constantly trying to add meaningful pauses! But the point is.. even in an absolutely dark moment, like just now, I... saved myself...

I think I just saved myself.

Wow... no way. But way. Sooo so so way.

My past self just saved my present self. Gosh. The wisdom of my past self, or more like, the version of me who knew what she was talking about -- I listened to her. And I got more than what I could bargain for: more surety. To continue. On. To continue forward. Despite.. despite this. Despite this teenage tragedy. Despite future tragedies. Despite the mountain of emotions that I am feeling in this... point in my life. I just have to accept these circumstances and move on.

Move on forward as I always have. And move on forward for as long as I can.

And you? I hope you can too. If I can try to do this, then you can do. Let's heal and grow stronger, together. We got this.


Your buddy,
Ngoc

P.s. Just want to give a special thanks to past-me. She's lit!! And just... I can't even begin to express the amount of... pain I just felt. That... was seriously incredible. And I'm learning. Learning slowly. But learning. I'm going to be okay. Ngoc, you're going to be okay. Ngoc, everything will be okay.... I really really really love you lots, Ngoc. <333 I hope you know that.

(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 28 - When You're the Bad Guy

Hi there buddies!.......welp.

It's almost 10 pm right now as I'm writing this, and my world can't get darker than this.

Today, the 7th of July, I feel.... super... duper.... awful. Why?

I feel awful because I know I'm awful. And when you know you're awful, gosh, you feel awful alright.

You know how when you're having an argument right? Especially with someone you deeply about... and you guys are just bringing up each other's past mistakes and one of you starts crying quite obviously. The other one is tearing up silently so that the other one can't hear. And you're both just riding this emotional roller coaster and you feel as if your brain will pop its guts out inside your skull because you realize, mid-argument, that you're the bad guy.

I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason why someone I care about is crying. Why she's sniffling in the corner of the car and my mom's driving calmly/frantically because she wants to understand what we're fighting about, and I sit there. Feeling awful. I feel awful right now.

And I don't know what to do. Should I... console her? I've done that before and that just made her push me away.

Should I tell her she means lots to me even if my past actions have probably communicated to her otherwise?... Gosh. I feel awful.

Should I just say, "Hey, buddy. I guess we won't be talking for a while, but let's go see Ocean's 8 tomorrow, heh."? Yep. Still feeling awful. This hurts. This sucks.

Yeah,... it sucks when you're the bad guy. But I have reasons for being the guy. I promise! But somehow, I don't feel like the bad guy, yet I know I am. I have valid reasons even if they don't make sense to other people, to her even... She's asked me to change before. We've had the same argument many times. And given the circumstances, my future, and how busy I will absolutely be in the future... I just know I'm incapable of changing for her. Becoming the sister she needs... agh. Agh. Agh. 

Maybe there's no such thing as a bad guy. Maybe it's just that it feels super awful knowing you're responsible for someone else's tears and it's just so awful you don't know how to be brave and face it. Say sorry. But there's a limit on sorry's that anyone can give. That I can give. To the point where sorry's just do not matter anymore. It counts more what I do from here. But I'm coward who's just going to continue doing everything she was doing before. It's okay to be a coward sometimes right? To be afraid. Yet I love her. I love her more than my own life and if given the chance, I'd probably prove it as an article headline but right now, I. Just. Feel. Absolutely. Terrible.

And that's it.

I know I'll be okay later. I know she'll be okay later. We'll both be. I know that. Which is good.

But when you're in the wrong and you know it...? Me? I pause and stop and think and wonder aggravatingly what else I could have said, how else I could have said it, and what I'm going to do from here. She deserves that, at the very least, from me. Consideration and thought. I love her.

The whole point of this post isn't to ask you, the reader for advice. This isn't written so that I can prove to myself that I'm not exactly the "bad guy" here. This wasn't written even to make myself feel better.

I'm writing here to record a bit of who I am. Maybe it might resonate with someone which will be nice but... it's just my thoughts. How I feel. I needed this. I needed to write or I would have cracked.

Don't worry. I haven't cracked yet. *sigh*

Hope this finds everyone well! The 7th of July. YEP IM A DRAMA QUEEN WELPPPPPP

Your drama llama queen,
Ngoc

P.S. YEP STILL FEELING PLENTY AWFUL EVEN AS I FINISH THIS R.I.P.