(Just Life With Ngoc): Shortie Episode 31 -- The Little Things

Perhaps it's just a "Ngoc" a thing, but the reality is, all it takes is one small, wonderful thing to make my day. Heck. Yes.

Yesterday was an awful day. One word describes yesterday best: CHAOTIC. It was even... PAINFUL,

I was running around school during lunch and homeroom and even between transition periods, trying to communicate to various situations coming at me. Mostly family related....I felt as if I was going to collapse at any moment. Physically, I was sick. Mentally, I was anywhere but school. I just wanted everything to just... stop. Pause a second and catch my breath. Listen to silence and soak in it for as long as I needed. 

But alas, yesterday proved to me again how resilient I have to be to overcome tough situations that life hands me. 

But you know what? All it took were some of my friends, who noticed that I hadn't had lunch :(, to remind me, "Hey. Ngoc. This is going to pass. I believe in you. And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me." 

(Hey. You know who you are. The three of you. Thank you so much. <3)

I would not have been able to pull through the rest of the day without those words. It was as if time slowed down in that wonderful moment. For the rest of the day, if I felt as if I was truly going to collapse, my mind would replay that short but beautiful moment over again and again. Maybe the actual encouragement itself, the words, have grown hazy. But that warm, happy feeling that someone out there (and in this unique situation, someone(s)) believed in me won't ever go away. If I would only give myself two seconds to appreciate the seemingly little things that people who cared for me have done, then I would have enough to carry me through for hours, days, weeks, and even years to come. 

I hope you can find that too, whoever you are. I hope you can find the little things in life that truly do make your day. Let yourself remember. Let yourself soak in that warmth. I know you'll make it.  

Your good vibes girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Shout-out to you..  I hope you know who you are. If you don't, I'm going to be sad. :( :P

Thank you for hugging me buddy. Even if you've reminded me countless times that you're NOT a hugger. <3 It meant so so much. ^_^

(Just life with Ngoc): Episode 30 -- AP Classes (-_-')

Heya readers,

Your girl Ngoc here. Finally! Yay! I'm back!!!

But I'm gonna discuss AP classes? Wuhtttt?!!?

I know. Lame. But seriously.

AP classes are a huge part of my life and maybe even yours, yet unknowingly, I've let it take over-- a little too late to get out of the entire kaboozo now. heh.

So let me clarify everything with a story.

It was around the wee hours of midnight. As usual, I was staying up for an assignment again. Maybe the assignment was especially difficult. Or maybe it was the fact that I've suffered chronic sleep deprivation for weeks and weeks. Nah, more like months.

The weariness began to increasingly settle somewhere deep within my soul and my eyes slowly adjusted away from my assignment. I kind of just stared off into space. A few minutes more of pondering "why am I putting myself through this.... tiredness again? What the **** is motivating me to stay up so late despite EXHAUSTION?!?!"

And then I came to a (and I think a very obvious) realization that I really did just waste the last four years of my high school career. Yeah. y-u-p

It was a LOT to take in.

(okieee let's break this down. W_E_L_P)

What felt so overwhelming was this immediate realization that I had... let college be the center of my life for as long as I could remember.

Dark. Yeah.

And because I did that, I had attempted many times to look great on paper. Of course, I still don't, heh. But the point is... I had willingly subjected myself to take AP courses I had no interest in, fully believing that that would make me look more competitive on college applications...That perhaps, as a low-income Southeast Asian girl who seemed as if she was challenging herself, I would have a chance to make it big.

A chance to escape a label I grew up with: "low-income student who will probably end up going to a CC nearby. wow."

I mean, hey. Let this girl get into an Ivy or a LAC if she wants. Let the girl dream, right?

But perhaps I dreamt and longed for college way too much? I remember starting high school so optimistically. Joining multiple clubs that seemed super cool at once but in reality, I just ended up unable to dedicate to any of them because of my course load. I was invited to multiple parties and declined every single one of them because of either homework or because I thought that for every lost hour of work, that equates to a lesser chance of me making it to... well... making my dreams come true. -_- Not only that, but throughout my years at  --- (Let's call my high school Hardie) --- Hardie, I fervently felt the need to take as many APs as I could, trying to show off my academic skills to colleges...hoping I'd stand out....

I had slept many late nights, believing that this would all be worth it. That I would come out stronger, better. Convinced that all my weariness and lack of social life were mere opportunity costs towards something greater, a small sacrifice for the grand amount of opportunities I'll have when I get that acceptance letter to the school of my dreams.

Yeah. That's a pretty standard way to survive high school, yes? And maybe it's because I'm Asian so this all immediately fits into the AZN STUDENT STEREOTYPE. gREAT.

But right now, as I sit here pondering the last few years, I can't help but feel as if I've seriously messed up.

Gosh, my feelings are everywhere right now, but what I do know in this moment, is that instead of loading my life with as many AP courses as I did, I wish I entered high school with a different mindset; I should have focused on myself.

Instead of building a shiny resume, I should have focused on developing myself as a person. Exploring myself. Having new experiences and building a stronger, more resilient young woman.

I mean, sure, yes, I kind of did do that. Through this blog, of course! But the truth is, I wish I had more time to myself for myself. More free time to explore who I am and who I want to be in the safe time frame that is high school. Not that college isn't a great place to do that, but instead of investing 99% of my energy into a future I am unsure of, I should have invested in myself... in the present. In the absolute reality that I know and build off from there... *And most of that really means loving myself and giving myself more time to do anything. Even if that really means staring blankly at a wall for 15 minutes. Funny, but you and I can build a universe in the span of 15 minutes.*

And not only that but... I feel as if I've lost my childhood to hours and weekends full of homework and poor time management on my part. If I can redo high school, then I would only wish to make more time to spend with my family and friends. All those mindless hours of stress and work and assignments and preparing for a test or a quiz, fearful of B's and C's.... wow. A waste. I remember and will probably remember none of that.

Had I filled those working hours with bonding experiences or new experiences, I would have more to remember. More to be happy about as I reminisce instead of a timeless zap back into a past full of sad versions of Ngocs just sitting somewhere, hovering yet again over her laptop or reading a textbook. Sad. Pathetic. No fun.

I wish I had more time. No. I wish I made more time for the people that mattered to me. I wish I made more time and was braver to try new experiences. I wish that I.... well. It's all in the past now, isn't it?

What I still have in my hand is the present. Glorious. Beautiful. Resilient. Now. And you and I? We're gonna make the very best with what we have without.... without neglecting the hw and the tests and quizzes. They're still important too, but just don't be me and put them all in your direct eyesight. Heh.

I'm not going to end this episode with any piece of advice for you, my faithful audience. Advice are words you grab onto if you desperately need it. So to leave this open-ended almost, I'll leave some advice for myself instead, if that's okay. :P

(Advice-to-self: So. Ngoc. When you're in college or anywhere else later in life, I need you to focus more on building friendships and enjoying, basking in the life right in front of you. Of course, don't entirely neglect your studies dumbo, because college is $$$$$$$. I mean, as long as you don't become an AP course and overload your life with the ish that does not matter. 

But.... just... give yourself more space to dance and climb and experience and build more layers of an already pretty cool human. I trust you can do it, buddy. We may not know what we'll want in the future, but for now, what we want is to be happy. And hopefully, die happy. Bless your soul.)

Let's leave this world with a SHUBANG!

Thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog! <3333

Your most optimistic soul,
Ngoc

P.s. It's been months months since I've written my last episode... ohmigod. But hey. I promise I'll get back on our feet.  I love writing episodes for my blog. It's just... soo... freeing. 
So. I will. be. back. ^_^

P.p.s. Also. Would it be weird if I called my audience the.... "Ngoc-ers"? :P 

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 29 - I Saved Myself

Dear Readers...

Hey there! Hahaha, I'm actually in tears right now. Just.. yeah. I feel... pretty... broken. Well. Ouch...

How do I... how do I say this?

Simply put, I felt so broken a few moments ago.

It's actually 12:31 am right now. The 22nd of August. All around me is silence. All around me is... uncertainty of a future I cannot begin to comprehend. Even worse than Episode 7's vivid demonstration. HAH.

But what I can say is... as broken as I felt a few moments ago... I still reached for my phone. Quickly turned to one of my own earlier episodes here on this blog: Episode 20 - Love Yourself. And I read it. I read it twice. From beginning to end. My own words of wisdom. Reread. By phone light. And me, all alone in the darkness of my own living room.

As I read through episode 20... through my own words. It was truly a special episode to me.... conveying a lesson I am still very much learning. Loving myself. Despite whatever I may be going through. Despite... despite the pits and falls of an ever-changing reality that is my life.

I am glad.. that I am here. Gosh.. I felt... as if I needed saving. I still feel that. But the surety, the confidence that episode 20 had in myself... I was readily reminded of how strong I am. How strong I was. And how strong I can be.

This really isn't an episode as you can see. It's.. haha, more like a girl who's constantly trying to add meaningful pauses! But the point is.. even in an absolutely dark moment, like just now, I... saved myself...

I think I just saved myself.

Wow... no way. But way. Sooo so so way.

My past self just saved my present self. Gosh. The wisdom of my past self, or more like, the version of me who knew what she was talking about -- I listened to her. And I got more than what I could bargain for: more surety. To continue. On. To continue forward. Despite.. despite this. Despite this teenage tragedy. Despite future tragedies. Despite the mountain of emotions that I am feeling in this... point in my life. I just have to accept these circumstances and move on.

Move on forward as I always have. And move on forward for as long as I can.

And you? I hope you can too. If I can try to do this, then you can do. Let's heal and grow stronger, together. We got this.


Your buddy,
Ngoc

P.s. Just want to give a special thanks to past-me. She's lit!! And just... I can't even begin to express the amount of... pain I just felt. That... was seriously incredible. And I'm learning. Learning slowly. But learning. I'm going to be okay. Ngoc, you're going to be okay. Ngoc, everything will be okay.... I really really really love you lots, Ngoc. <333 I hope you know that.

(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 28 - When You're the Bad Guy

Hi there buddies!.......welp.

It's almost 10 pm right now as I'm writing this, and my world can't get darker than this.

Today, the 7th of July, I feel.... super... duper.... awful. Why?

I feel awful because I know I'm awful. And when you know you're awful, gosh, you feel awful alright.

You know how when you're having an argument right? Especially with someone you deeply about... and you guys are just bringing up each other's past mistakes and one of you starts crying quite obviously. The other one is tearing up silently so that the other one can't hear. And you're both just riding this emotional roller coaster and you feel as if your brain will pop its guts out inside your skull because you realize, mid-argument, that you're the bad guy.

I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason why someone I care about is crying. Why she's sniffling in the corner of the car and my mom's driving calmly/frantically because she wants to understand what we're fighting about, and I sit there. Feeling awful. I feel awful right now.

And I don't know what to do. Should I... console her? I've done that before and that just made her push me away.

Should I tell her she means lots to me even if my past actions have probably communicated to her otherwise?... Gosh. I feel awful.

Should I just say, "Hey, buddy. I guess we won't be talking for a while, but let's go see Ocean's 8 tomorrow, heh."? Yep. Still feeling awful. This hurts. This sucks.

Yeah,... it sucks when you're the bad guy. But I have reasons for being the guy. I promise! But somehow, I don't feel like the bad guy, yet I know I am. I have valid reasons even if they don't make sense to other people, to her even... She's asked me to change before. We've had the same argument many times. And given the circumstances, my future, and how busy I will absolutely be in the future... I just know I'm incapable of changing for her. Becoming the sister she needs... agh. Agh. Agh. 

Maybe there's no such thing as a bad guy. Maybe it's just that it feels super awful knowing you're responsible for someone else's tears and it's just so awful you don't know how to be brave and face it. Say sorry. But there's a limit on sorry's that anyone can give. That I can give. To the point where sorry's just do not matter anymore. It counts more what I do from here. But I'm coward who's just going to continue doing everything she was doing before. It's okay to be a coward sometimes right? To be afraid. Yet I love her. I love her more than my own life and if given the chance, I'd probably prove it as an article headline but right now, I. Just. Feel. Absolutely. Terrible.

And that's it.

I know I'll be okay later. I know she'll be okay later. We'll both be. I know that. Which is good.

But when you're in the wrong and you know it...? Me? I pause and stop and think and wonder aggravatingly what else I could have said, how else I could have said it, and what I'm going to do from here. She deserves that, at the very least, from me. Consideration and thought. I love her.

The whole point of this post isn't to ask you, the reader for advice. This isn't written so that I can prove to myself that I'm not exactly the "bad guy" here. This wasn't written even to make myself feel better.

I'm writing here to record a bit of who I am. Maybe it might resonate with someone which will be nice but... it's just my thoughts. How I feel. I needed this. I needed to write or I would have cracked.

Don't worry. I haven't cracked yet. *sigh*

Hope this finds everyone well! The 7th of July. YEP IM A DRAMA QUEEN WELPPPPPP

Your drama llama queen,
Ngoc

P.S. YEP STILL FEELING PLENTY AWFUL EVEN AS I FINISH THIS R.I.P.

(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 27 - Together and Fighting

Heya readers!

We're basically almost half way in the summer. I hope it's been a great summer for you thus far and that it only gets better from here. :D

For me, this summer I've enrolled myself in a five-week class that solely focuses on literature, on English, on stories and how they're baby-made. It's a wonderful class with many wonderful, equally adorkable souls. I don't think I can be blessed with a better group of classmates, or for that, friends to discuss literature over. Gosh, what an amazing group of young people and how excited I am to go to class every day!

However, being the open class that it is, it was also within this week that a pretty dark truth was brought up mid-discussion, and it made me wonder, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then would we work together towards it?"

So... imagine that you and I are... say, basically pretty similar people.

We're both driven towards the same goal. We're both very driven. We've both been driven for basically most of our lives and few times in our lives have we ever shared anything besides the restroom or food and drink. (hehe, meee) Yet, the important thing is, yes, we share the same goal. However, only one of us can get there. Only one of us can achieve it, yet... we're both so similar.

We envy each other's talents. We envy the goodness in each other. There is a constant dance of self-deprecating comparison which might cause us to do bad things to each other. Even hurt the other to get what we want.

Similar to that same story my class read together, I felt some of that envy when I read that someone I knew had received the prestigious TASP award, an award that basically guarantees you to an Ivy League school.

I felt that envy. I let it burn a little. Let it simmer. And paused mid-thought just as I paused during that discussion, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then couldn't we just work together towards it?" It's a solid yet innocent question that someone can answer either dishonestly or genuinely, "Yes. Of course."

Or is it a, "Yes... of course?"

Or even a, "Hm... sure. Maybe. I don't know."

Or just, "Frankly? Nope."

Because I don't know.

As I ponder this over, if people are working together towards the same goal that only few can achieve, most likely, no matter the circumstance, there will usually be a competitiveness stemmed from festering envy. Gosh. Even I felt it. Even I felt that envy. It saddens me that at some level I grieve over another's achievements instead of cherishing them. However, that's actually not always the case. Thank god that nothing is ever absolute in this world.

If it's someone you and I truly care about... or it's a situation where you and I find that the other person was truly more deserving... or... yes. Lots and lots of "ors" and "ands."

I don't think there's even a true conclusion to this huge thought bubble I have written here. Just... a group of people. So similar and talented in their own unique ways towards the same goal.

Yet fighting for it. Fighting against the others.

Ouch.

This was Ngoc, your buddy, with some dark life thoughts. It's okay! We're cool here with dark thoughts, aren't we y'all? :P

Your girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Thank the lord I enrolled in that storylines class. Because if I hadn't, I would have had zilch to write about in this blog space here. Gosh.

To Paramita, Stella, Ivan, Kobe, Jenna, and Danny. All of those five weeks... I love all of you. I deeply enjoyed my time with each of you. I just can't believe next week is the last week together. I just... gosh. I don't know if by then any of you would even see this episode. I don't know if by then I would even brave sending you all this, but gosh.

The amount of family-hood (I'm sure I didn't get that right, welp) we have experienced together and getting to know each of you for the unique yet bright beings you all are.. wow. Just... wow. We were all in the same class for the same reason, yet there was never anything to be competitive about, and that's been one of the most fostering dynamics to our friendship. Albeit short and firework-like, this has been one of the most life-changing, bright, but unforgettable friendships I have made so far in my life. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. <3

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 26 - "-- because of people"

Hello, helloooo buddies!~

I have a question for you this week: Is there anyone you would like to just say "Thank you" to?

It can just be one person, a group of people, or a community that uplifts you, helping you get to where you are today. In more ways than one, I am who I am today because of the people in my life.

Which sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Because it is.

So here's the story...

Being the ambitious kid I am, I've sought and applied for multiple summer programs at once. This meant I needed some great essays, equally great recommendations, and of course, some initiative to continue through. And guess what?

I needed the support of, gosh, so many people every step of the way. I was almost never alone. I would need help editing my essays. I would need a teacher willing to put out his/her own time to write me that rec letter. And I would need some type of support system to keep me motivated throughout the process.

People. I needed people the entire time.

That's not to say that needing people is a good thing in general, but it was the knowledge that I wasn't alone in that seemingly lonely, self-driven process of ambition, of dreams, of hope that made the experience a better one. And... being quite a reserved person in general, my support system was relatively small, but that worked out well in the end because all I had to do was ask and almost always, someone out there would answer the call. ^_^

Because it's not about how many people you have in your life that will change it, it's about the type of people you surround yourself with. Quality, resilient, steady persons willing to stand with you. Willing to stay with you despite the many things they have on their plate already. People who want you to succeed.

And as I talk about this... many moments collect and stand out to me. On a specific night about two months ago as I stayed up to two in the morning trying to gather my wits around mountains of mini-essays for a certain competitive program, this friend of mine stayed up with me the entire time that long night, tirelessly making careful edits. He never questioned. Despite his own projects and mountains of work to finish, he plowed through my essays, tending to them as if they were his own. I remember how motivated I became, because this was no longer a lonely road into the night; I was fighting with someone. Someone so willing to be there, to help me achieve what I wanted.

And then other moments pops up as well.

It was another one of the lunches I had with my French teacher. I remember feeling nervous and uneasy because I was about to approach her for something that I felt would make me seem shallow; "Oh, Ngoc's only been eating lunch with me just to get a good rec letter?" Welp. That's what I'm afraid of. And even today, I'm still afraid of appearing as if I'm only out to befriend you only to use you... but I remember how warm she was to me when I brought it up. 

"Ngoc, just go ahead and send me the details and your resume. I'll make sure to meet the deadline, okay? Okay!" And then she hugged me. ^_^ 

(That recommendation she wrote for me? I felt like crying from joy.)


There are so many moments that I've managed to somehow collect from just these summer programs. And a last one stands out. 

I was procrastinating this one summer program which meant I needed editing work on a bunch of essays the night before the deadline. I emailed a random college coordinator, assuming she was my own college coordinator. She replied to me and in less than two hours had put so many helpful edits on all my essays. I later found out that she hardly knew me. That is, she didn't know me at all. 


Yet she helped me; no questions asked. I learned a little bit more that night what it meant to be kind. Especially to a stranger. <3

Because... people. Gosh, people. All the people in my life... I am simply a myriad of experiences with many types of people I've encountered thus far. And I continue to be. 

We both continue to be. 

So it is quite valid as they say? That we should surround yourself with people who inspire us, who move us, who change us for the better? You answer that! Not me! ^_^ 

And of course, you and I are bound to run into someone or something who challenges our morals, our priorities, even all we believed in either a positive or negative way, but it's up to us to make a decision that stays true to ourselves in both essence and definition. A decision we can be happy with. (More on this in a future episode? Sure!) :)

Before I go, I leave you with this: Dare you to thank just one person who has shaped you or your life for the better. Today! TO-DAY. Shoot them an e-mail. Give them a call. Or say it to them in person. Feel free to thank more than one person~ the more the merrier~ Trust me on this one. Trust meeeeee.

Hope you have a wonderful day, my buddies~

Your blogger girl,
Ngoc

(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 25 - Let's Appreciate Ourselves ~ (1/4 mark)

Heya readers!

This is episode 25. I am 1/4 done with my intended journey of... 100 episodes!

In today's episode, as special as any other, we are going to celebrate ourselves in the best way that we can: by writing a blog episode about it, of course. ^_^

(lolol I'm bad at transitions, againnnnn) Very recently... wait, no, I think... for a very long time, I've felt less than myself. This very real inferior complex that has driven me mad, that continues to hurt me. Gosh, just the thought of feeling less than someone else because of their amazing accomplishments or who they are or how they look or where they've been: I've let that all get to me. Because I keep comparing who I am to who others are around me, I've unknowingly hurt myself. It's been a painful experience, and well,  it is painful. And it's something I still have and will probably continue to feel unless I start appreciating myself for who I am already. *sigh*

Here's the story. A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine (Ana~) who had read an earlier "rant" on this very blog reached out to me, saying and reaching my heart with the kindest encouragements. Except, she and I aren't extremely close friends, but somehow years of knowing each other can make it easy for her to reach out to me and I to her... to just be kind. She tried to instill in me my own sense of self-love. In fact, she pushed for it when she said I shouldn't be comparing myself to others when I'm perfect as I am. Not, heh, perfect as in the actual definition, but perfect as in, I'm the most perfect Ngoc there is, because I am the only Ngoc.

This is a pretty cliche lesson isn't it?

But the point is, I shouldn't be feeling less than myself, when I am myself. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for being who I am, for having experienced what I've experienced. And sure, I'm human and you're human. That would mean we'd both have regrets we can't forget or have negatively affected us and maybe, maybe sometimes you'd feel those experiences have made you a lesser person. Maybe sometimes, you would stop and wonder who you'd be if you did this or did that, but ultimately, those decisions are in the past. They've already been made. And you are who you are already. You are who you choose to be with every decision you make but don't let that be your make-or-break factor.

Because the make-or-break factor is this: you're at the very least happy with something in your life. There's something good about it. This thing doesn't have to be big even; it can be super small too. Like, personally, what I really like about being me is the fact that my Grandma makes the most awesome salty, dried chicken shreds to eat with rice, ever! What I also really like about being me are my offensively thick calves. Like... wow. They are thickkk calves. But I love them, because I like to think that if we're in some apocalypse, I have at least a little bit more than my younger sister to snack on. ;P

Honestly, just pause here for a bit to give yourself some love. Give yourself a pat on the back for even visiting this blog. Do it! Now give yourself a high-five for being you. ^_^ *high fiveeeeee*

I'm not saying that I'll ever be able to stop comparing myself to others, because there are no such things as absolutes when it comes to our constantly-evolving selves -- yadidadada-- However, what is true is that I'm willing to do all I can, drawing inspiration and motivation and self-love from others around me, to simply appreciate myself. Appreciate that while I may not have the most accomplished or have the most stellar-looking resume or have the biggest dreams a girl can have or be the most beautiful, I am Ngoc. And I really appreciate myself. I've got through a lot in my life. I've been through a lot. There are, of course, moments when I made cringey decisions. There are moments when I've made a fool of myself. There are times when I could have done better for the people around me, people I dearly love. There are many times in my life when I could have appreciated others more. There were, gosh, so many moments where I wanted to cry for being, for feeling less than someone else. It's not like I won't ever feel that everrrr againnnn. But, when I do, I hope I'll be able, and that you'll be able to appreciate that there are some happy aspects of you and your life you find that only you can really experience. No one else. But you.


Your girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Gosh, thank you for making it this far! I hope I've made your day a little and at the very least, entertained you for a few minutes. Which is good too! ^_^

Random link to a random happy place: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZkRtNgb7Vw
(as for the link, skip to 1:03:30. I find that it's a pretty relevant song ;))