a sentence that never ends

This is the sentence that never ends as I shall write here following the footsteps of Gabriel Garci'a Ma'rquez whom must be my favorite author of all time even if the stories do have a lot of dong and strange love stories of a dictator who was well older than 107 "since the last comet" and whom fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the poorest part of his country so much so that he risked getting shot every day in the public eye to travel to her home and under the watchful eye of her mother, showed the repulsed young woman any and all of his most remarkable trinkets while she held herself under a veil as far from such an eager and unsightly looking man, and it was my own eagerness that made me jump into bed every day for the last month as if I was watching a movie because even if I'd only read 3 pages each night, it would feel like his words would never be lost on me as I doomed myself into the same book over and over again that by now the edges are so, so worn that I had to reinforce its spine and edges with this gorgeous gold-black washi tape and now it looks like one of those Children's Golden Goose classics you'd get in the elementary school book order form so long ago but perhaps not as long ago as the dictator himself but oh how Ma'rquez weaves both the ocean and incoming of starfish into the palace and the deep passions an old man might have for all sorts of women that yes, fuck I'd have half a mind to throw the damn book against a wall for another rape scene I had to read but then the next pages would be back to mesmerizing again of the same dictator loving his mother so much that he would call out to her in the dark "Benedicion the mother of my death and the mother of my life, you are the end of me" and I'd be emotional when she died and he became a wispier, more deaf version of himself in a rocking chair overlooking the ocean and his kingdom but then we'd flip back to the great evils he committed and despite reading even the cannibalism scene which haunted me enough that I screamed out loud in horror with its image so fucking deep in my head I couldn't pull it out because it was the image of the dictator's closest friend and military general being served on a plate and garnished and decorated with all his medals and a flower resting on his mouth as if he was a barbequed pig simply because the dictator suspected his closest friend of treason so you can see that it was a scene I was more than happy to share at work with some of the most eager listeners whom I dearly appreciate now because there are some things that you can't just read and scream out loud about all alone to yourself on a Wednesday night, you've got to breathe it out loud or it would've suffocated you as it did to me but alas, this never ending sentence feels crazy like I can barely get a sip of air which is very much how my mind feels lately because when I've lived alone as I have these past 4 months to which I'd respond to myself, "how can it already be 4 months out here on my own?" I can safely say, maybe time has melded into a sinking bowl of mashed potatoes and I'm in a time bubble right now, the open ocean space between one island and the next island, and before I can find or build my own kingdom, I've got to be a "Life of Pi" character for a bit where I'm simply not reacting anymore to the day to day because now in this time bubble, I've lost myself in books with scenes too vivid for me to sleep alone with and gave me goosebumps straight into the morning and getting lost on phone calls with Ivanna about her new Hinge dates and Elise about the philosophy of affirmative action and where I answered my own question "What is the point of education? What is a flute for?" along Aristotle's lines of reasoning to answer the former and gosh, I have too many godforsaken messes in my life, all the little fires that start like the thin straight crack on the lower edge of my cute Subaru's windshield caused by my idiot self, for forgetting Erin's advice (my work mother, I call her in me head) not to fucking blast the defroster if it's too cold outside and so I heard my fuck up the moment I saw it on the I-77 and in the future, it will be me and this Subaru finding our own kingdoms along the ocean, where young people on ships have already landed and younger people are newly born, for when and where I began my life is so far from where my life is now and yes I first wrote this never ending sentence on the 19th of January, 2025 but today is the 8th of February and I have too much to share now because I learned last night from Marlon Wayan's stand-up, yes, his stand-up in Marietta, Ohio for his next Amazon Prime special in which he ended his beautifully 2-hour long set with the realization that hard things don't happen to you, they happen for you and I am as equally haunted by that sentence as the image of a long table of people nervously cutting into their former military general, because gosh, things have changed so much in the span of a month since last, where in a breath here, without breathing once, I truly lived it up this past month, attending a Drag Circus event with my baby mama down stairs and her sister, Maeghen and Austin, in the old bank Vault building where I dressed up in white lace, lacy white leggings, my shortest white skirt, my white and baby blue lingerie top, and just in that, I attended the event with the two gals who would admit more than twice that they'd need drinks in order to dance and eventually, us overlooking the balcony of events became too far for me and especially when the music started and one of my favorite songs of all time came on, I had to part them there and head to the dance floor myself, where I re-lived all that I am, all that I was, all that I ever wanted to be which was this overflowing fullness of beauty and self-expression that would be maddening to keep inside me and for the entire 3 hours that Drag Circus went from show to a full-on clubbing event, I danced like I was a drunkard but all I had in me was one drink and a half and for those who know me, yes, that's enough to get me giggly and so, so many times, I pulled Maeghen and Austin to the dance floor, and it felt unbelievable almost that just 4 hours ago, Maeghen was debating whether or not to join us after all because her terrible ex-partner had barged in last night and was so verbally awful that she called the cops and so with that to happen to her, she didn't feel like going at all and I said the one thing I did know about drag or simply, about going out, which was that "it could be healing as well, to put on something you feel beautiful in and be seen and be seen and be seen", and somehow that convinced her and there we were, walking in, the last to the ball before the great drag circus started and we stuffed down hot dogs while we enjoyed the incredibly short show and gosh back to the dancing, because eventually, Maeghen and Austin and I could feel like we connected to each other and that's why I love to dance, because when I dance with the right people, I actually feel a lot closer to you and can feel when you're insecure but in the same vein, I would know when you start to feel more sure and confident until Maeghen who was the most shy, danced so hardcore in the last hour, all of us found it hard to leave, so here is where I tell you that I never want to stop dancing, and I'll never stop dancing for anyone, because I feel so beautiful when I do and I feel so true to myself and so creative when I do, it's like I know exactly how to move to any song and it's something I can never escape so I hope I'll always have someone to share it with, my dancing and for that I do, I have miss Ivanna, Yen, Neha, and my new friends who definitely understand me now, and haha, more than a couple of folks came up or noticed me where I was, because dang, I do got thighs now, thanks to all the consistency and the only third space outside of work and my apartment that I could exist in on a mundane day, Planet Fitness lololol, and days after drag circus, I would celebrate Asian New Year at my mentor's home which she laid out the most amazing of dishes and we dived into each other's company like wine and no, I do not speak Chinese so I could not connect with her in-laws or her parents, but I did my best to show my respect, bringing flowers and cute snacks for Jing's little ones and together, we would eat all that was cooked by her parents, much of it prepared from the night before, and would have a 25-minute personal fireworks show where her husband studiously lit up one after one in the cold, and because we could only blow up one firework at at time, I took my time enjoying each and every one that was lit and my favorite was this bright blue-purple one that would look like a willow tree with the golden strings dropping down and gosh, it made me smile how warm Jing is to her parents and how open her heart is to invite me a week in advance and into her lovely home and at dinner, it reminded me of the Asian New Years I took for granted at home with family, because when Jing asked me what my family's New Year traditions were, the routine came to me easily -- when Yen and I were much younger, Vietnamese guests and families from all over would drive to our house so we'd have gatherings of at least 50 people who brought all sorts of foods and desserts and we'd have my dad's friends set up the karaoke ahead of time so that later, when we're all drunk and happy, we could sing and all the ladies would be in the kitchen giggling and helping out and setting up the food while the men outside would pour ice into the cooler and bring all their fancy wines and beers and then the gangsta Vietnamese would ride up to our house in at least 8 motorbikes and welcome the new year with us and then at some point, after everyone's still drunk, all the men would sit and stay outside to debate about the outcome of the Vietnam War and eventually, my Dad always being at the center of it, would challenge one of his rowdiest friends who's probably misspoken something to a physical duel, and there would be friends who were both intrigued with the almost-fights and those who would break it up and all the while, the women in their beautiful ao dais would make a plan to head out to the temple first and watch the fireworks together with Yen and I and so we'd go out there, get our little new year tangerine and fresh 1 dollar bill, after braving and breathing in the fumes of the red fireworks, the ones that explode on the ground, and smell like sparkly ash so that the next morning, we'd come back and shake a cup with a bunch of sticks and numbers in it and pray for an accurate and good fortune about the year ahead and so here we are, with that year ahead, where this year, my Mum called me excitedly that I have a really good fortune and that I will have a bright future ahead, no matter what I choose, which made me curl up into bed into a smile, and you can call me foolish for believing things like this but I do, I do, and you can't stop me, so my time at Jing's home was so lovely and the little kids reminded me of Yen and I so much, how we'd try to see how far we can go or do something until something messes up or catches fire and like us, the kids tried to make a bonfire with their fireworks and though it never worked, it was the hope that it would work that kept their efforts going at which, I smiled bigly, so that happened and the next days I would find myself at Har Mar Tavern with Austin and Kelly for drinks and it became much more than drinks when trivia came out and for 2 dollars a head, we played and were 2nd place and I screamed so loud oh my god, because of course your girl knew Victoria Desert was in Australia hehe, and us girls talked about all the silly stuff, all the intimate stuff, and even all the sillier stuff that when we left, I felt so connected and excited to see them again and I did indeed, pop into Kelly's home for her homemade chicken triviago... or something called trivallteri?? and this will be my first time using punctuation but yeah, it was really good and Kelly and I vibed about Roe v. Wade (of course we did) and I kept saying all night at her house, "I'm not a feet person, but I am definitely a paws person" when her giant dog, Mumford, slept with all his paws pointed to me and I felt like I was melting like any second, if I had coconut oil on hand, I'd rub some coconut oil to make his paws all moisturized and shiny and perfectly adorable wahhhh, the biggest of snoots, and her husband would later show me all the games he's made and all the designs that she helped with and gosh, they make the cutest pair, so I left with a happy heart then too, and a week later, after a whole week of leaving work late and doing my best on leading a project for project management, I came home to a big box in front of my apt, and curious, I read who it came from and it came from one of my favorite nail salon customers, Ms. Karen, who had sent me a care package for the winter because she'd heard of the storms that had passed and who still... teared up thinking of me whenever she walked into the nail salon, because she could feel my absence and that made me tear up too, because I've always loved her I felt, and I knew that she's always loved my Mum and she's just one of the warmest, sweetest of peoples who was the head of finance at her family's company and now pursues art full-time and isn't that the most beautiful thing to pursue? and she does it with all her heart now so when I painted my mama and baby whale for my apartment weeks ago during the first winter storm that I survived, I had to send it to Ms. Karen who gushed over it and I do have to admit, as I stare at this same painting now, I can't believe I did it, and so in her care box were an assortment of scarves and socks and warm pieces that I will bring with me to Kentucky this coming Monday and Tuesday, when I'm driving in a little bit of a snowstorm to get to my next rotations, but the biggest thing I haven't yet mentioned is how my heart beat so fast and my smile felt the biggest all year when after I texted her all the thank yous for sending me such a warm letter and a cute package that she responded with,

"Lots of love to you

My adopted granddaughter-just thinking

about you and the cold when we are so

spoiled in Houston (at least most of the 

time) hugs coming your way <3"

and I assume you see it too, don't you, "my adopted granddaughter", and god, I cried and smiled both in my Subaru, on the way to my consistent third space, but... yeah... I may not be there with the people who love me but it doesn't take away from the love that they have for me and by all definitions of love that I could explain myself by, which are family, friends, and romantic love, this new familial-friendship love that would encourage me to be her adopted granddaughter in a heart beat... how foolish I have been and lived to now experience such a new, warm, solid, and comforting love -- for all the love letters I've ever written and received only because there were constant reminders of each other's existences, the love Ms. Karen had for me was all encompassing, all enriching, for without seeing me, she is still reminded of me and I never disappeared, not in her heart, how beautiful that is, and what a gift of my life to feel it as surely as now, and I will continue to be there, to be worthy and show her my love for her in the next chapter of my life as I learn to expand all the definitions of love I ever thought I knew about, and accept, receive, show, and return all of it gosh, and last night, for this could be the last story or maybe a new story, but I bought a last minute ticket to the Marlon Wayan stand up in Marietta, because when else is a Wayan brother going to pass through Marietta ever again? and for my childhood to have been rich in White Girls quotes and last night to see the guy himself, I found myself in such a laughable position, sitting next to my previous supervisor and his fiance and their son while Marlon touches on the most raunchy of topics, lovemaking or not, and I held myself from laughing at all the wrong parts, best I could, and all I have to say is, it felt really good, really good to laugh for 3 hours straight, because I deserve it all, all the joy, worthy of the love, the gentle sweetness of self-treatment and dreaming because Marlon raised a good point, "Make sure what you do is what you love, so it'll never feel like work," and so I hope that one day, that day comes to, when it won't feel like that and I can feel light and purposeful and among people who get it, like the folks I ran into a couple days ago, the accountants for our insurance team, because I was walking in there to help them with a project they had and before I could leave, I admitted my celebrity crush was Henry Cavill, "he's both so brains and so much braun, oh my gosh, and he is such a nerd, building out his own PCs with glasses on ahhhh and did I mention he was such a braun?!" and I think I have a type, as clearly as Michelle, from accounting haha, would as well and together I think we'll be friends I feel -- I'm attracting a mix of women in their 30s and 40s and maybe that's where I am right now? because gosh, they GET IT, every one of them GET it and I fucking love it, when we just... get each other... and one day, perhaps, we can add in a little dancing of course. :)

I'll never ever want to stop dancing, not even on a bad ankle, not even with all the dizziness of a drink and a half, and not even if a creep was staring. 

I'm dancing.