Episode 81: Shield

Someone I love answered his own question: “what makes a good leader?” 

I didn’t hesitate. Like usual, I’m too quick. I don’t think. It's an answer I realized from practical experience: "Someone who brings out the best in others and makes everyone feel valued. When people feel that way, they'll be more likely to give their best because someone sees their best."

But he answered: “what if the organization is really really big though? How does anyone get personable with everyone to do that? I think a good leader is a good shield for anything that happens."

I've never heard an answer like that before. 

When I heard his answer, I didn't think I got it at first. Not truly.

He quickly explains that a leader has everyone's backs, even if they don't know everyone personally. They're the defender, the crafter of words and strategies to keep the train from wreck. 

I understood immediately what being a good leader was like after sitting in on some of the most exciting calls at my State Department internship. A good leader, I realized, had the words for any season or change in weather. They're the front lines holding all the responsibility, representing the best efforts of everyone who work for them.

There will be moments of pause, but never show a sign of struggle. 

Though we're only human, a good leader doesn't even show how the weather has weathered them. 

Perhaps it's because I've just begun, so even my descriptions are naive. But the civil servants who work at State truly are defenders. Practiced in the craft. 

I've used my words mainly to tell people how my day honestly went, write descriptive clouds of thoughts, or sell myself in a professional setting. Or it's me trying to convince myself I'm worth a lot today. 

Either way, a good leader is only as good as the knowledge they know. The adaptability that comes from all that weathering and challenge. The edge sharpened by practice, and dulled by lack of use.

I say this all to say that I want many of these qualities for myself, not to be a leader myself. These qualities -- I envy. 

I'm doing my best out here at the State, where it always feels like I have to sprint in order to stay in place.

Fight no one but my own sense of hunger. Am I hungry enough? To trek beyond anything I've ever set foot on? 

I'm in a land I don't know. A land I'm not familiar with, or comfortable with, or particularly happy in. 

Yet why does it slowly feel like... like I'll be absolutely okay? Because things are damn hard right now in alllll the professional development ways. 

What I haven't shared is just how intimidating it can be to sit across folks who are absolutely hungry about their dreams. It's inspiring and moving. I want my own train to dash toward some tunnel only I know about. I want that surety they have. 

But here I am -- more and more unsure. At first tipping the precipice from international into domestic policy. Now tipping back into foreign relations as I realize the direct impact I can have as an intern at the State. It's... thrilling. 

I get it now. 

I didn't get it last week, which was my half-way point in my internship. 

But I get it now. And though it's not too late -- time is limited now to realize the impact I'll have. 

I have a better idea of the kind of person I want to become. 

A shield. A really goOD meat shield for missions that I'm proud to protect.

A defender. Welp. 

That sounds so so far from who I actually am right now. I feel like a wreck with acting words and parts. Given a readout of what to say and do in most situations but bubbling in the still water as I struggle for the last bout of confidence to function in the turbulence of my own mind. Pushing to swim up and up, legs as strong as they can be, but still in plae. 

I have Buddha by my side. The blood of my ancestors in me. And a new friend I made at work today, eating ramen and finishing with boba. It's really the people I know that make this place a lot more cooler.

I know who I am. And I play this my way. I don't have to fight as hard as others. I navigate this with the unique knowledge I know and the skills I do have. 

I'm a good writer. :) 

And woah, does that count for something.

I JUST WANT TO BE BETTER AT THINKING AGHGHGHGHGH

You probably don't get what that means --- but have you gone on hours and hours and realized, what was the last original thought I had in my head? 

:( That's me. In a nutshell right now. How am I going to defend anything with ANY knowledge if my mind is a white board much of the day? When I let work, lack of sleep, possibly lack of nutrients, deprive me of real ass creativity? 

FUCK THIS NOOOOO :( 

I got. tihs. heah

P.S. thank you man i love. You’re not a liar after all :)