There Will Be Lies

There Will Be Lies - 11-8-21

You allow yourself to trust

Not like you’re not afraid

Of what the truth really is

Or if not knowing the lies would 

Hurt more,

But because 

you want to believe you’re worth the effort

Of Someone else’s truths.

That they opened a door into

The heart of who they are

Just for you.

And maybe not just for you

But they welcomed you in

Like the special thing you think you are.

You found your peek inside

warm and inviting. A safe place to lose your earrings. Youthful and silly and bright like them.

God, you wanted to stay.

That young, hands-held-out-to-grasp-at-everything you – 

The you who learned to shun a future forever,

Cherished the new predicament you were in.

Invited the small breeze of “forever” in

Like the easiest thing you’ve ever said. 

Here lies their head on your chest. 

Here lies someone you want to protect.

The dance on the front porch, ask them to strum your song.

The conversation too cold to hold outside,

But there was enough heat between you two to 

Make you forget,

As they cupped your face, a tear on their thumb.

The Greek God in them draped your vision. 

The things Gods say to their lovers,

You received. Let it be forever. And fuck you if it isn’t. 

“Keep me here with that gaze. Don’t you dare let me rot here, trying to forget you.”

But truth is imaginary. Subjective. Created.

A derivative of a vision.

Your hand gripping my thigh as you drived.

But visions are envisioned.

The road through us

Imaginary, as hard as I fought to stay

And brave the

“None of it was a lie. 

We’re as strong as ever.”

No doubt

There will be lies

To lick the wrongs away

To silence the echoes of their existence in every world you walk in after, 

or sew together what 

Doesn’t fit together.

Two things that don’t fit together

Now fit together.

Two people

grip each other.

How easily can you lie? 

Then again, you don’t just lie with words only.

You lie with what you 

Left out. 

You lie when you want to leave

Out

The truth 

of the matter

is

You lie when you leaf through someone else’s pages,

Find the reality not at all what you imagined.

Unhappy, uncertain if the distance between you both is in your head, and if it isn’t, 

you fear you’d 

Overstay like the coward you never wanted to be. 

Let a good thing like them go?

Where might you find a them, even like them, again?

Don’t tell a soul. 

Relay to me all my half-truths.

The ones I tell myself

When I convince my own eyes

That i do matter in yours.

While the evidence is laid bare. The jury retaliates against my

Judgement. A recount. Re-ballot. Recall. 

All the truths. All the witnesses. All of them lied

With the purple-tinted glasses they wore that day. All the days

We saw ourselves together.

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[I wrote this piece in early November last year. YES, I knowww it's a sad, breakup poem haha. It's been almost three months since I wrote this piece and disclaimer, it does get very personal. One of my best friends said it was, "Very raw." And I agree. It really is.

I made the choice to leave something that had at one time, felt like the greatest relationship. But things crumbled all too quickly. There was so much fear I had days before I left. Because without ever saying he had left, it felt like he was gone. Our emotional distance permeated everything and I thought I was patient. I thought I could be happy with the new little we had as his life spiraled. None of it our faults.

Perhaps I wasn't busy enough to not hear from him for days. Just a sliver of good mornings and good nights on repeat. Perhaps I'm too immature and ungrateful at the handful of catch-up calls we had that month, his sleepiness and constant exhaustion a reminder for me to end the call quickly so he could rest.

So I left.

Even though it felt like the stupidest thing I've ever did, it was for the best. I needed to leave so I could learn and build and rebuild and re-evaluate what was good for me and felt good to me. Because what he and I had certainly didn't serve either of us. For me, I had to ask myself "Why stay in something that looked and felt like a daydream yet I was in hurt, ache, and resentment?"

I've decided to publish this piece here, because I've made peace with it. I wouldn't have published this if it was still as raw as when I first wrote it.

I hope you enjoy reading my sad feelings again. Hah. And don't worry about me after reading this! I am a very good peachy girl right now haha. More Singapore updates to come ^-^]