(Just life with Ngoc): Episode 30 -- AP Classes (-_-')

Heya readers,

Your girl Ngoc here. Finally! Yay! I'm back!!!

But I'm gonna discuss AP classes? Wuhtttt?!!?

I know. Lame. But seriously.

AP classes are a huge part of my life and maybe even yours, yet unknowingly, I've let it take over-- a little too late to get out of the entire kaboozo now. heh.

So let me clarify everything with a story.

It was around the wee hours of midnight. As usual, I was staying up for an assignment again. Maybe the assignment was especially difficult. Or maybe it was the fact that I've suffered chronic sleep deprivation for weeks and weeks. Nah, more like months.

The weariness began to increasingly settle somewhere deep within my soul and my eyes slowly adjusted away from my assignment. I kind of just stared off into space. A few minutes more of pondering "why am I putting myself through this.... tiredness again? What the **** is motivating me to stay up so late despite EXHAUSTION?!?!"

And then I came to a (and I think a very obvious) realization that I really did just waste the last four years of my high school career. Yeah. y-u-p

It was a LOT to take in.

(okieee let's break this down. W_E_L_P)

What felt so overwhelming was this immediate realization that I had... let college be the center of my life for as long as I could remember.

Dark. Yeah.

And because I did that, I had attempted many times to look great on paper. Of course, I still don't, heh. But the point is... I had willingly subjected myself to take AP courses I had no interest in, fully believing that that would make me look more competitive on college applications...That perhaps, as a low-income Southeast Asian girl who seemed as if she was challenging herself, I would have a chance to make it big.

A chance to escape a label I grew up with: "low-income student who will probably end up going to a CC nearby. wow."

I mean, hey. Let this girl get into an Ivy or a LAC if she wants. Let the girl dream, right?

But perhaps I dreamt and longed for college way too much? I remember starting high school so optimistically. Joining multiple clubs that seemed super cool at once but in reality, I just ended up unable to dedicate to any of them because of my course load. I was invited to multiple parties and declined every single one of them because of either homework or because I thought that for every lost hour of work, that equates to a lesser chance of me making it to... well... making my dreams come true. -_- Not only that, but throughout my years at  --- (Let's call my high school Hardie) --- Hardie, I fervently felt the need to take as many APs as I could, trying to show off my academic skills to colleges...hoping I'd stand out....

I had slept many late nights, believing that this would all be worth it. That I would come out stronger, better. Convinced that all my weariness and lack of social life were mere opportunity costs towards something greater, a small sacrifice for the grand amount of opportunities I'll have when I get that acceptance letter to the school of my dreams.

Yeah. That's a pretty standard way to survive high school, yes? And maybe it's because I'm Asian so this all immediately fits into the AZN STUDENT STEREOTYPE. gREAT.

But right now, as I sit here pondering the last few years, I can't help but feel as if I've seriously messed up.

Gosh, my feelings are everywhere right now, but what I do know in this moment, is that instead of loading my life with as many AP courses as I did, I wish I entered high school with a different mindset; I should have focused on myself.

Instead of building a shiny resume, I should have focused on developing myself as a person. Exploring myself. Having new experiences and building a stronger, more resilient young woman.

I mean, sure, yes, I kind of did do that. Through this blog, of course! But the truth is, I wish I had more time to myself for myself. More free time to explore who I am and who I want to be in the safe time frame that is high school. Not that college isn't a great place to do that, but instead of investing 99% of my energy into a future I am unsure of, I should have invested in myself... in the present. In the absolute reality that I know and build off from there... *And most of that really means loving myself and giving myself more time to do anything. Even if that really means staring blankly at a wall for 15 minutes. Funny, but you and I can build a universe in the span of 15 minutes.*

And not only that but... I feel as if I've lost my childhood to hours and weekends full of homework and poor time management on my part. If I can redo high school, then I would only wish to make more time to spend with my family and friends. All those mindless hours of stress and work and assignments and preparing for a test or a quiz, fearful of B's and C's.... wow. A waste. I remember and will probably remember none of that.

Had I filled those working hours with bonding experiences or new experiences, I would have more to remember. More to be happy about as I reminisce instead of a timeless zap back into a past full of sad versions of Ngocs just sitting somewhere, hovering yet again over her laptop or reading a textbook. Sad. Pathetic. No fun.

I wish I had more time. No. I wish I made more time for the people that mattered to me. I wish I made more time and was braver to try new experiences. I wish that I.... well. It's all in the past now, isn't it?

What I still have in my hand is the present. Glorious. Beautiful. Resilient. Now. And you and I? We're gonna make the very best with what we have without.... without neglecting the hw and the tests and quizzes. They're still important too, but just don't be me and put them all in your direct eyesight. Heh.

I'm not going to end this episode with any piece of advice for you, my faithful audience. Advice are words you grab onto if you desperately need it. So to leave this open-ended almost, I'll leave some advice for myself instead, if that's okay. :P

(Advice-to-self: So. Ngoc. When you're in college or anywhere else later in life, I need you to focus more on building friendships and enjoying, basking in the life right in front of you. Of course, don't entirely neglect your studies dumbo, because college is $$$$$$$. I mean, as long as you don't become an AP course and overload your life with the ish that does not matter. 

But.... just... give yourself more space to dance and climb and experience and build more layers of an already pretty cool human. I trust you can do it, buddy. We may not know what we'll want in the future, but for now, what we want is to be happy. And hopefully, die happy. Bless your soul.)

Let's leave this world with a SHUBANG!

Thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog! <3333

Your most optimistic soul,
Ngoc

P.s. It's been months months since I've written my last episode... ohmigod. But hey. I promise I'll get back on our feet.  I love writing episodes for my blog. It's just... soo... freeing. 
So. I will. be. back. ^_^

P.p.s. Also. Would it be weird if I called my audience the.... "Ngoc-ers"? :P