Hi there buddies!.......welp.
It's almost 10 pm right now as I'm writing this, and my world can't get darker than this.
Today, the 7th of July, I feel.... super... duper.... awful. Why?
I feel awful because I know I'm awful. And when you know you're awful, gosh, you feel awful alright.
You know how when you're having an argument right? Especially with someone you deeply about... and you guys are just bringing up each other's past mistakes and one of you starts crying quite obviously. The other one is tearing up silently so that the other one can't hear. And you're both just riding this emotional roller coaster and you feel as if your brain will pop its guts out inside your skull because you realize, mid-argument, that you're the bad guy.
I'm the bad guy. I'm the reason why someone I care about is crying. Why she's sniffling in the corner of the car and my mom's driving calmly/frantically because she wants to understand what we're fighting about, and I sit there. Feeling awful. I feel awful right now.
And I don't know what to do. Should I... console her? I've done that before and that just made her push me away.
Should I tell her she means lots to me even if my past actions have probably communicated to her otherwise?... Gosh. I feel awful.
Should I just say, "Hey, buddy. I guess we won't be talking for a while, but let's go see Ocean's 8 tomorrow, heh."? Yep. Still feeling awful. This hurts. This sucks.
Yeah,... it sucks when you're the bad guy. But I have reasons for being the guy. I promise! But somehow, I don't feel like the bad guy, yet I know I am. I have valid reasons even if they don't make sense to other people, to her even... She's asked me to change before. We've had the same argument many times. And given the circumstances, my future, and how busy I will absolutely be in the future... I just know I'm incapable of changing for her. Becoming the sister she needs... agh. Agh. Agh.
Maybe there's no such thing as a bad guy. Maybe it's just that it feels super awful knowing you're responsible for someone else's tears and it's just so awful you don't know how to be brave and face it. Say sorry. But there's a limit on sorry's that anyone can give. That I can give. To the point where sorry's just do not matter anymore. It counts more what I do from here. But I'm coward who's just going to continue doing everything she was doing before. It's okay to be a coward sometimes right? To be afraid. Yet I love her. I love her more than my own life and if given the chance, I'd probably prove it as an article headline but right now, I. Just. Feel. Absolutely. Terrible.
And that's it.
I know I'll be okay later. I know she'll be okay later. We'll both be. I know that. Which is good.
But when you're in the wrong and you know it...? Me? I pause and stop and think and wonder aggravatingly what else I could have said, how else I could have said it, and what I'm going to do from here. She deserves that, at the very least, from me. Consideration and thought. I love her.
The whole point of this post isn't to ask you, the reader for advice. This isn't written so that I can prove to myself that I'm not exactly the "bad guy" here. This wasn't written even to make myself feel better.
I'm writing here to record a bit of who I am. Maybe it might resonate with someone which will be nice but... it's just my thoughts. How I feel. I needed this. I needed to write or I would have cracked.
Don't worry. I haven't cracked yet. *sigh*
Hope this finds everyone well! The 7th of July. YEP IM A DRAMA QUEEN WELPPPPPP
Your drama llama queen,
Ngoc
P.S. YEP STILL FEELING PLENTY AWFUL EVEN AS I FINISH THIS R.I.P.
Saturday, July 7, 2018
Thursday, July 5, 2018
(Ngoc Thoughts): Episode 27 - Together and Fighting
Heya readers!
We're basically almost half way in the summer. I hope it's been a great summer for you thus far and that it only gets better from here. :D
For me, this summer I've enrolled myself in a five-week class that solely focuses on literature, on English, on stories and how they're baby-made. It's a wonderful class with many wonderful, equally adorkable souls. I don't think I can be blessed with a better group of classmates, or for that, friends to discuss literature over. Gosh, what an amazing group of young people and how excited I am to go to class every day!
However, being the open class that it is, it was also within this week that a pretty dark truth was brought up mid-discussion, and it made me wonder, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then would we work together towards it?"
So... imagine that you and I are... say, basically pretty similar people.
We're both driven towards the same goal. We're both very driven. We've both been driven for basically most of our lives and few times in our lives have we ever shared anything besides the restroom or food and drink. (hehe, meee) Yet, the important thing is, yes, we share the same goal. However, only one of us can get there. Only one of us can achieve it, yet... we're both so similar.
We envy each other's talents. We envy the goodness in each other. There is a constant dance of self-deprecating comparison which might cause us to do bad things to each other. Even hurt the other to get what we want.
Similar to that same story my class read together, I felt some of that envy when I read that someone I knew had received the prestigious TASP award, an award that basically guarantees you to an Ivy League school.
I felt that envy. I let it burn a little. Let it simmer. And paused mid-thought just as I paused during that discussion, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then couldn't we just work together towards it?" It's a solid yet innocent question that someone can answer either dishonestly or genuinely, "Yes. Of course."
Or is it a, "Yes... of course?"
Or even a, "Hm... sure. Maybe. I don't know."
Or just, "Frankly? Nope."
Because I don't know.
As I ponder this over, if people are working together towards the same goal that only few can achieve, most likely, no matter the circumstance, there will usually be a competitiveness stemmed from festering envy. Gosh. Even I felt it. Even I felt that envy. It saddens me that at some level I grieve over another's achievements instead of cherishing them. However, that's actually not always the case. Thank god that nothing is ever absolute in this world.
If it's someone you and I truly care about... or it's a situation where you and I find that the other person was truly more deserving... or... yes. Lots and lots of "ors" and "ands."
I don't think there's even a true conclusion to this huge thought bubble I have written here. Just... a group of people. So similar and talented in their own unique ways towards the same goal.
Yet fighting for it. Fighting against the others.
Ouch.
This was Ngoc, your buddy, with some dark life thoughts. It's okay! We're cool here with dark thoughts, aren't we y'all? :P
Your girl,
Ngoc
P.s. Thank the lord I enrolled in that storylines class. Because if I hadn't, I would have had zilch to write about in this blog space here. Gosh.
To Paramita, Stella, Ivan, Kobe, Jenna, and Danny. All of those five weeks... I love all of you. I deeply enjoyed my time with each of you. I just can't believe next week is the last week together. I just... gosh. I don't know if by then any of you would even see this episode. I don't know if by then I would even brave sending you all this, but gosh.
The amount of family-hood (I'm sure I didn't get that right, welp) we have experienced together and getting to know each of you for the unique yet bright beings you all are.. wow. Just... wow. We were all in the same class for the same reason, yet there was never anything to be competitive about, and that's been one of the most fostering dynamics to our friendship. Albeit short and firework-like, this has been one of the most life-changing, bright, but unforgettable friendships I have made so far in my life. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. <3
We're basically almost half way in the summer. I hope it's been a great summer for you thus far and that it only gets better from here. :D
For me, this summer I've enrolled myself in a five-week class that solely focuses on literature, on English, on stories and how they're baby-made. It's a wonderful class with many wonderful, equally adorkable souls. I don't think I can be blessed with a better group of classmates, or for that, friends to discuss literature over. Gosh, what an amazing group of young people and how excited I am to go to class every day!
However, being the open class that it is, it was also within this week that a pretty dark truth was brought up mid-discussion, and it made me wonder, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then would we work together towards it?"
So... imagine that you and I are... say, basically pretty similar people.
We're both driven towards the same goal. We're both very driven. We've both been driven for basically most of our lives and few times in our lives have we ever shared anything besides the restroom or food and drink. (hehe, meee) Yet, the important thing is, yes, we share the same goal. However, only one of us can get there. Only one of us can achieve it, yet... we're both so similar.
We envy each other's talents. We envy the goodness in each other. There is a constant dance of self-deprecating comparison which might cause us to do bad things to each other. Even hurt the other to get what we want.
Similar to that same story my class read together, I felt some of that envy when I read that someone I knew had received the prestigious TASP award, an award that basically guarantees you to an Ivy League school.
I felt that envy. I let it burn a little. Let it simmer. And paused mid-thought just as I paused during that discussion, "If you and I were in it for the same reason, then couldn't we just work together towards it?" It's a solid yet innocent question that someone can answer either dishonestly or genuinely, "Yes. Of course."
Or is it a, "Yes... of course?"
Or even a, "Hm... sure. Maybe. I don't know."
Or just, "Frankly? Nope."
Because I don't know.
As I ponder this over, if people are working together towards the same goal that only few can achieve, most likely, no matter the circumstance, there will usually be a competitiveness stemmed from festering envy. Gosh. Even I felt it. Even I felt that envy. It saddens me that at some level I grieve over another's achievements instead of cherishing them. However, that's actually not always the case. Thank god that nothing is ever absolute in this world.
If it's someone you and I truly care about... or it's a situation where you and I find that the other person was truly more deserving... or... yes. Lots and lots of "ors" and "ands."
I don't think there's even a true conclusion to this huge thought bubble I have written here. Just... a group of people. So similar and talented in their own unique ways towards the same goal.
Yet fighting for it. Fighting against the others.
Ouch.
This was Ngoc, your buddy, with some dark life thoughts. It's okay! We're cool here with dark thoughts, aren't we y'all? :P
Your girl,
Ngoc
P.s. Thank the lord I enrolled in that storylines class. Because if I hadn't, I would have had zilch to write about in this blog space here. Gosh.
To Paramita, Stella, Ivan, Kobe, Jenna, and Danny. All of those five weeks... I love all of you. I deeply enjoyed my time with each of you. I just can't believe next week is the last week together. I just... gosh. I don't know if by then any of you would even see this episode. I don't know if by then I would even brave sending you all this, but gosh.
The amount of family-hood (I'm sure I didn't get that right, welp) we have experienced together and getting to know each of you for the unique yet bright beings you all are.. wow. Just... wow. We were all in the same class for the same reason, yet there was never anything to be competitive about, and that's been one of the most fostering dynamics to our friendship. Albeit short and firework-like, this has been one of the most life-changing, bright, but unforgettable friendships I have made so far in my life. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)