9/28/2025
playlist I wrote this to. and fuck it's AI generated. most likely. T__T
like a kid, the early morning 7 am air makes me feel like I must soon be on my way to school. There's that kiss of humidity in the air. Houston isn't remarkable but our mornings feel like a hug. Whereas Marietta was a swoosh through the legs, early morning cool winds and all my pores closing up, Houston is a hug from above and from behind. A warm, wet thing.
Jesus where am I going with this.
I'm a Virgo. It's my time of the year or even, my time of the month. T__T. Whichever it is, I am here.
I am 25.
The crazy thing is even if I wanted to, it didn't stop me from squirming in slight distress as I handed over my Discover credit card to pay for lunch between my new boss and I today. I really did want to pay for us. I admire him so much. Our first lunch with him as my boss.
In a crazy middle-of-my-life kind of way, in a miraculous feat of undeterminable fate, in a quiet shout heard from across the yard, when I least expected it, when I hadn't the energy left in me to even plan after myself, when I was ready to fight for scraps, my head turned to the sound of a grungy voice. Someone who just lost their voice, who sounded tired but kind.
He's not at all how I imagined the second boss in my life to be like. A voice I can barely hear at times with the most thoughtful gestures. An extra plate of cheese and crackers for me every time. I barely hear him but he's there, a little old man.
But he's exactly how I needed my second boss to be like.
Kind. Safe. Gentle. Never angry. Perhaps too kind for his own good. Kind but never, ever blind. Never ever. He sees life as gray. "Straddling close to good, best I can."
I think about all the kinds of intelligences, and he has all of them. A little Chick-Fil-A ice cream in both our hands after each site visit. He is the SWEETEST SAFEST LITTLE MAN.
YOU CAN BRING YOUR CHILDREN HERE. BRING ALL OF EM.
I'm 25. I reconnected with my old nail salon customers. Grandma Karen!! The famous lady who sent me flowers when I was in Ohio. <3 She's got the biggest, bestest surprise for my mother's birthday. I can't wait to luncheon with her. <3 MY WHITE GRANDMA IRL?! donde estas?! Donde hoy. I think.
Her laugh on the phone meant so much to me. This instant familiarity. Another way that Houston hugs me.
The other way that Houston hugs me is in one of my favorite coffee shops. Seven Leaves on Bellaire, and my favorite drink there oh my god, the Sea Cream Jasmine. FUCK. I curse more.
Your Ohio girl became an Irish sailor.
Or maybe Ohio never left. Maybe it's the Ohio in me. But that coffee shop and studying across from Kim is just healing. Any coffee shop can be the Neilson library if I just let myself smile in it. Let myself derail from reviewing Construction Job Costing and look up Alaskan cruises, in time for the whales, the aurora borealis, when I turn 26 next year. Just in time then.
It's getting windier and I haven't really moved much. I know, technically, yes I have. Actually, I move all the time. At work, with family, with doggie, I'm always on my feet. There's always something to do. If I'm not cooking, I'm cleaning. Or washing dishes. Or mowing, washing dishes again, they always pile up. Or cooking something else that my father can actually eat. Or driving him out to the cheap gas station, where even before he speaks his broken English, the nice ladies know what he's looking for. Or spending half my Sundays chaffeuring him everywhere, gas in the tank. Or calling a friend while doing some of it, so I'm not alone.
Sometimes, I can feel so small and lost in the daily little things. My life has just begun here in Houston haha. Maybe the big difference now is that my time isn't my own anymore. I could afford that luxury to my heart's content in Ohio. Of course, I miss that.
In Houston, I barely catch my breath. I'm just glad I have great friends in town who feel like a hug, when I see them. When I can afford to.
My sweet friends from Ohio check in on me. Austin, Jana, Elizabeth, even Gina Houser haha. They are so, so sweet, and appreciate that there are things I do have now. I won't take for granted family ever again. It's been almost 2 months back home, and it's been wholesome. But...it's not sustainable to be in this mindset that I can continue to please everyone, every second of the day.
To please my Mom best I can, even as her sum of worries infects me. I do my best to cheer her on. She's so kind and there are things she doesn't know and none of it is her fault. I just, can only sit there and take so much of a monologue of bad news for an hour. Before I hear it as my own voice after.
I can only drive my father around so much. If he could have it, he'd happily absorb every minute and every dollar out of my pocket to take him to the far West edges of Houston and buy him all the spontaneous things he could get. Any refusal to any small trip, he holds onto like a grudge, even as he looks solidly back at my exhausted face. Taking no account of.
My boss is very kind. He told me kindly as I expressed how quickly I'm trying to catch up about the construction business. He quickly responded, "This isn't a race. This is a marathon. Take your time. You will learn in time. Everything will be okay."
I smiled back at home across our table at Schlotzky's. Which I love. One of my new favorite restaurants. THEIR DRINK OPTIONS ARE LIMITNESS, I FEEL LIKE ROYALTY AFRONT THEIR DRINK MACHINE. THERE'S EVEN BLUEBERRY DR. PEPPER?!?!!? IDKKKK
Being back in Houston, has felt like a sprint every day. I barely catch my breath at the end of it. I think of myself last. I can barely breathe. There are so many fires, every second of the day. There are so many hurricanes we are trying to prepare for, and the last thing I can even think of is myself. I am just reactive. I'm just trying to clear up the sink.
I'm just trying to calm my mother's panic on the phone. I'm just trying to cajole my father that I can only take him to Walmart and the gas station, and can't bring him to any other places beyond that. I'm just trying to tidy up my room because I've forgotten to. I get home, and I barely have the energy to cook or exercise. My shoulders. My neck, my eyes. They're all sore. I'm just trying to make sure everyone has what they want. I just want you to have what you want. I spend so much of my time there, I forget what I want. And when I remember a sliver of what I had even wanted originally, it leaves me again. Are my dreams so fragile? Such fair-weather friends, these dreams of mine?
My face has this constant optimistic look on it all the time, because that's all I can be. The hurricanes will come, and I can barely clear out the tiny wildfires. My poor mum, when I was away and light about life in Ohio.
Of course you lose your color in times like these. Or your hair, haha. Or my hair.
I like to do this thing at night, when I feel so small and the world is so quiet at 3 AM. I hug myself gently and whisper in my head, my own voice as if it were someone else's, "you are doing your very best. you are a very good bean."
That's all I'm trying to be lately. Trying to be a very good bean.
No one comforts you at the end of a difficult day. No one will recognize your efforts. I used to wait around for that. I used to want to be comforted by any voice at the end of the day. I used to want so badly, a pat on the back for a good job, an acknowledgement from someone I had probably already put on a pedestal, a supervisor, a boss haha. That would light me the heck up.
Now... well, lately, I just want to turn off my little bed lamp, wear a cute pajama set, and feel this absolute feeling, a light beam warm on the top of my head kind of feeling. I play my day back like a movie sometimes, with mistakes and the "OH, NGOC!"s and all, I admit in the dark: "you're all you have. and you made it. good job, little bean."
So today, like any day, like every day, is one of those days. These will be my forever days. This is what it means to be a Ngoc. Ngoc, the eldest daughter bean.
