12.11.23.
I like holding myself softly. Whenever my body tenses up, I want to hold onto myself, softly.
Touch the soft skin on the nubs of my toes. Make myself laugh when I feel dem nubs.
Have you been breathing softly lately? Have you also noticed your own tense body coming home?
4.2.24.
I've written a similar episode about this when I was 6 years younger. Today, I saw on Yen's friend's instagram story about how she first practiced Buddhism after studying so much for her SATs, being the anxious, busy high school student that she was. The first moment where she realized she was in the present was realizing how green the tree was. Realizing the wind blowing against her hand, her hair. "Is this what the present feels like?" she wondered. And true-er than she expected, was the green leaves of the great tree before her.
That was her moment. And what a beautiful moment that was.
My moment was very much similar. On a hammock, looking up at the sky and the wind. Dang it, it's always the wind, isn't it? Did you know our ancestors or dead loved ones can exist as a wind in our presence? Possibly guiding us, making us smile.
I think when we've gotten so used to running and feeling heavy from an entire day, the first moment where we realize how true we are, and how nothing else can be true-er, is when we realize the greatness of life.
We are more than our emotions. We are more than our needs, desires, and at times, emptiness.
We are the love we choose to give. We are the way we were last remembered in the eyes of our loved ones. We are the ripple of the compassion we chose to see strangers, the world, with that day.
Tonight, I hung out with a new friend again. Lydia made me smile, made me root for her. In a loud social bar garden, I learned about her anxieties. I learned about her hopes, and I was trusted. I think every choice I made tonight, was rooted with love and compassion. Lydia is such a kind, sweet, and loveable freaking person. SO CHEERY AND ADORABLE.
I love talking with her. By the time we were parting, I realized how I wish the night didn't have to end. She felt the same way.
But throughout it, I was rooted. I was grounded in her presence. And I realized how great the joy is to meet someone who made their way to you that day, whom you put in all the effort to see. Someone who bought me my drink and listened to my excitement. Someone who I'm so excited about.
How great that joy. How greater the laughs. She knew I'd be leaving for Ohio in September. I knew that she'd be leaving Houston for the Northeast and the real ocean one day. But despite what may be tomorrow, I knew I deeply enjoyed her lovely, sweet company. ^-^
For today, that is the greatest thing.
I sound hippy. I sound high off ginger ale again.
I sound like a preacher who has a trophy wife and golfs to find my spirituality again.
December, when I first started this episode, I simply wanted this episode to talk about how nice, hugging myself felt. How I didn't hug myself enough. And gosh, how true that is.
I was running and anxious about the job search, and now that (soft launch: I found the place at the same time it found me!) I have more answers, I realized how hard I was working. How tough I was on myself.
I was scared to write emails. I was scared of saying the wrong thing, not being by my phone when any call came, I was anxious about everything. I was forever scared of not doing enough. I kept adding more to my plate without taking anything away.
I spoke every word with fear. My self-confidence wore away. The girl that was vivacious, sassy, and confident in her last 2 months of college was no where to be found. I was a shell of that girl. No where near her confidence or self-love. Every day was a day to endure, instead of a day to experience.
And so... there was that point where I needed to redefine what I live for. What makes me whole when I don't have what I want, when I'm no where near where I want to be -- what do I still have? What can I still experience?
Buddhism really grounded me in the past few months. Being in the present. Being grateful for the present. Grateful for life, for the day. Simply rising.
Tapping into my spirituality, into Buddhism, has enriched my job searching experience in ways I never imagined.
More on this in the future!
But -- WAH! Thank you everyone, living or dead or godly, who have helped me guide me here.
I love you so much and am full of gratitude. <3
