There's no antidote to emptiness. That's what I thought. I've been trying to save myself over and over again this past half year. And maybe I've found it.
This is the story of how I found my antidote.
The days grow monotonous. Getting out of bed... that zest for life gone.
On one of those slow afternoons where I escaped into sleep again, I dreamt a wild dream. My Buddhist master appeared in it. He's never been in my dreams before.
"2 minutes, I want to speak with you privately back there later," he spoke as he walked away.
Time passed. One of his disciples walked with me to the entrance covered in fabric.
His sharp eyes met mine. Words hit me. As they always do. They always do.
"Your sister will succeed in her own way. She is meant for different rooms. You are meant for different rooms. Her success and yours are not to be compared. You are getting prepared for something different. Even what you like is different. What might excite you does not excite her...and ask: When you feel worthless...,where do you put value in yourself? Make a list. Of things you like about yourself if you must start there. But where is your value?"
I forgot the rest and that was the last afternoon I slept like that ever haha. Spiritual wake up call T____T, but I kept mulling over his question. Where do I put value in myself?
The answer came quite quickly.
I was cleaning and tidying the house, as always. It's my favorite hour of the day ha. I would end up cold-calling a friend or two after, because dang, it's scary whenever I realize I haven't said one word in 4-6 hours. Freakin. That's what staying at home does to ya. :(
But whenever I get on the phone, it's game over. That's when I hear myself again. The fuller, rambunctious truth of me. Out and about, silly like gout, and cackly like Dr. Pepper bubbles. Bubbly like the drink, sweet like the sugar in it. And every friend brings out something different in me.
No matter what though, it's how I end calls that matter. You never know when it might be your last. Heck, we might reconnect 2 weeks or 2 months from now. I always feel this need to tell you when we're about to leave, "I love you, my friend." My favorite words.
The instant smile it gives me to say it each time. And mean it. It's the most beautiful feeling in the world.
My Buddhist master also once said, "People won't remember what you say, but they will remember how you made them feel." Maya Angelou also said that. :P
So that's been my mission ever since. Create a feeling that I feel deep inside myself -- bring it out to the universe. Put it between my friend and me. That instant feeling of belonging in something sacred and real. It's like creating a home, a universe. It's hard to forget the universe.
Even at my lowest, I still cold call. I still want to make you laugh and tell you I love you.
Where does any of that energy come from? Even when I feel like I have nothing left in me to give? I barely have any good news to share sometimes and yet it comes out naturally, too easily -- the love left in me. Or maybe the last hope I have in myself.
So my value... when I have neither job, money, a proper 60-second elevator pitch, when do I still feel most aligned?
I feel my most purposeful, true, and beautiful when I can show my love. When I know that I've loved well and know that even you can’t doubt i do.
I want to love and love well dam it.
Ivanna said it perfectly. "So you've found your purpose, Ngoc. It's to love."
Several things I've learned since and during my sadnesses...
The first is, the most valuable things you can give are things you give when you feel like.. you have nothing.
The second is, when you feel like shit. Perhaps purpose-less and lost. What is something that you have that won't change no matter what happens in the material world? What is something that gives you hope, energizes you, and is pure on its own?
For me, it's love and showing my love. :)
And dear reader, if you're reading this and sharing a similar bout of sorts with your fellow Ngoc here, I sincerely hope that you know how loved you are. How wanted you are. That you are worthy of all the goodness of the world and deserving of every happiness meant for you, coming for you, and belonging to you.
In your search for your own reality, may you also always search for the good and beautiful in yourself. Because there is no greater universe than the greatness already living in you. Cheesy fuckery, all these words.
If you're the kind of person to live through the fight on your own and tell nobody until it's done, then I hope you'll also know that even in your own sadnesses, you are worthy. Worthy of every goodness. Arrived or arriving soon. You are worthy of it all. I've said this twice for good reason haha. :) And of course, you are beautiful. There's no need to run anywhere. There's no need to introduce yourself.
It's only time to feel one with yourself. What is left when there's nothing left? A unique question you have access to, in this difficult time... welp.
And I'm sorry too. That it's so difficult. On you of all people, like a freak accident. This makes me think of what my Buddhist master said in my dream, "We're all being prepared for different rooms."
Maybe... I don't know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't a part of the process, but it would be untruthful to say that I've never found an answer after falling deep. Finding that reason for the fall and any reason that gives me the confidence and self-compassion to stay slightly hopeful and feel deserving-- it's a painful but worthy process to me.
And returning to master's words, may your room be beautiful, my friend. Your worth is certainly not determined by opportunities coming your way or defined by the trail you’ve left behind -- rather there must be something within you that exists on its own. And exists because you’re you. And it’s it.
The answers you're preparing for. The feelings you have about yourself. The unchanged truths within you.
May your universe be found, my friend.
With love, hope, even a tinge of sadness, but hey let's rein in that dope ass hope, it's your girl,
Ngoc
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Oh my gosh, my blog episodes have not been very happy lately, have they? My bad and MY LORD. MY LORDIE. Something happened in the last half year where I disappeared slowly and started to do more prose poetry and hecked into it. Here I am.
A full episode. I can't believe I'm at 94. In 10th grade, when I finally started to take this blog more seriously, my goal was to reach episode 100. I remember wondering who I'd be by episode 100.
I also still wonder... who would I be? By 100?
A bigger miss bean. hehe ;D
I just hope I'm not emanating toxic positivity then. That I mean it. ;)
