You could say I threw my high school years away to years of blind ambition and hard work.
That would be a lie though. I didn't completely toss them all to ambition and work. I...I mostly did. But worse was for a long time, I struggled to find my people. And by the time I realized my best friend then, I wish I hadn't realized it that late.
I worked hard for imaginary things. Imagined success. Imagined college acceptance. Imagined bursts of ambitious flame. Some kind of greatness worth smiling about.
All of it was realized eventually. It did happen Ngoc, but you didn't have to work so so hard for it. A big blue trophy to bring home in senior year. An acceptance letter to a beautiful place. I just wish I had more people to share it with. I wish I could look back on my years at the Bakery and give a wide smile... I wish I partied. I wish I spent less time on homework and projects and actually accepted the invites when they came. Agh. I wish I said more yeses back then. I wish I lived like a kid and less like a kid who was trying to adult faster than she knew.
Yes. There were many moments when I felt like I belonged. They happened and when they did, I feared every moment that they would disappear. I feared that the people that chose to stay would leave any moment.
The people that I did know and loved in high school were wonderful and I can't discredit those meaningful friendships. I just wish I went out and invested and built those friendships rather than staying in, studying extra for a higher letter grade.
What would have mattered more is if I laughed. Did I smile? Did I smile as I studied? Or would I have went all out at the few parties I was invited to? Made plans with the same friends I baked an apple pie with?
Perhaps this difficulty of finding my belonging.. my place is more complex than I make it seem. Why did I often feel so distant from the other kids at my high school? Was it because most of them were wealthy? Was it because they could afford to make plans anywhere and anytime they wanted? Was it because their parents wouldn't care if they stayed past ten?
That sense of belonging. That search. It went on seemingly forever. My personality shrunk in on itself. Only with a certain few did I let loose and really be the wild meee. Mostly, I contained and filtered myself, unable to achieve the kind of carefreeness that everyone else appeared to have. I wonder if things would have changed if my future self returned into my high school body? I'd tell her to go out lol. That girl worked way too hard. And that she judged herself too harshly.
People care less about me than I thought they did. It was all... in my head.
It was a battle with my own self-worth.
That is, if a self even exists. :P
Tonight, this episode was inspired by my close Smithie friend. E is transferring to a new college, co-ed, and her feelings about this turning point in her life, she wrote it so so beautifully.
Here's an excerpt:
"I guess I felt like in high school I was always
watching while everyone else lived their best lives-
like dating (because friend groups only dated within
each other). And at Smith I felt like I was finally PART
of it, like interacting and free and less self-conscious
and not envious or feeling inadequate.
The feeling of belonging. And starting my new school
and being around dudes again... I feel my walls
coming back up... though I was always going to have to
re-enter the world with dudes I just hope I can keep
the carefree confidence I had at Smith..."
E pieces together so many different themes. Carefreeness. Confidence. How and from where does she derive this carefreeness from? And how does putting boys into the picture influence that, if at all? Inadequacy. When she feels that. Gosh. I've felt that more than I can mention.
Being at Smith showed me what an ideal world looked like. I'm actually just echoing E's words at this point, because Smith showed E what an ideal world should look like, where women both share and fill a space, any space, equally to that of any men. Where women feel equally valued. Voices heard, loud and clear. Voices prized as any other.
My voice at Smith. I've felt it prized. Prioritized.
To the person I once was in high school. A girl who was uncomfortable in male-dominated spaces. Felt less than. I hope that the future me remembers the feeling, the beautiful feeling that Smith showed me -- what it meant to be equal to anyone else. To be adequate. Enough.
E said it best.
Adequacy.
Every day I am working harder to achieve that state of mind. To embody that word is to embody the soon amazing things I will do. To realize my future. To realize my capabilities and live out this life without any fear, any inner fear to hold me back.
I love me.
And I love you.
I hope that one day you will not only just feel adequate, but also that you will fully realize how capable and amazing you are and can be.
I believe in you.
A Lunar New Year and a young woman,
Ngoc
