Episode 54: Learning to League Again

I didn't have a mouse back then. It was just me, my laptop, and a mousepad when I first downloaded League of Legends in my early years of middle school. 

I wanted to be badass and kill tons of minions and champions but there's only so much badassery that I could manage on a mousepad. :P In the end, I put it off. 

Fast-forward to college! College?!

Ah... ha. My crutches lie under the dining table. My close friend, Natalie, sits next to me, watching League tournaments, as I dig into my plate of mac and cheese. I grew intrigued again, ready for any way to escape my incapable body. 

After expressing my interest in watching it with her, Natalie patiently explained to me as many details of the game as she could. Pausing and unpausing the video match as often as I needed. Drakes. Tanks. Top, mid, and bot. Runes. Aram. Thicker minions?! Thicker minions. After learning so much from her, she was down to play with me a few rounds against bots. 

Lovely girl. Lovely Natalie. 

Together with Natalie and Allison, we played and won and lost. If you sat with us in Chase dining hall in the wee of night, you'd hear our mice clicking quickly, mine awkwardly, our keyboards on fire. Our voices either screaming at success or yelping in disappointment. Sometimes, I would bang the table, leaning myself into my seat disappointedly after being murdered for the 9th time. Dying in League is a matter of pride and it's worse when you're "First Blood". Geeeeee. -_- And sometimes, in the lonely confines of my dorm, I would play several rounds. Practicing with Ashe, hoping I'd get better quickly and die less. Ashe is... so easy to play omg. haha. It's embarrassing that I played with her so often but she was just so intuitive. :P 

By the time Smith kicked us out in March, I had totally forgotten about League. Natalie decided it was best that she transfer to another school. And Allison lived in New Jersey. All I could focus for the rest of the year was healing and keeping myself busy. It felt as if League was a space that I could only share with the friends I had made at Smith, somewhere after dinner at the same table... 

But here I am. In 2021. 

Another great friend of mine Laisha. Laisha and I were calling and talking about what we should do together and League was on the tip of my tongue. I said it quickly and thought little of it yet after hearing Laisha's excitement for it, I was reminded of when I first started League. I was excited to go full speed ahead and teach her what Natalie had taught me. Gosh. Natalie. That girl-woman. Lol so Laisha and I have been playing together, trying for at least once a week. Her schedule keeps her busy taking care of her family the lovely thing, but when we play together, it's so much FUN. We're out here trying to kill champions, pplllllll. So I've got to also thank Laisha for reigniting my love for League. And I must also thank a certain Paul for teaching me some more tricks. Thank you Paul!!

haha, I'm playing with new characters of course. I must admit, I'm back in my old habits of feeling safe with a certain character, Diana. Diana is freaking badass. HECK. Ashe is lit but damn Diana. 

Jayce is so cool but he's wicked hardddd. O__O 

Gee anyways. 

I'm having so much fun. Gaming has always been an outlet for me to release stress. Before loving League again, I would find myself on RWBY Amity Arena, deploying my troops and heroes. Sadly, that game will be discontinued in exactly 4 days when I publish this post.

I would spend 3-4 hours a day if there wasn't anything to do, on RWBY. AHHHH. IM A PSYCHOOO. 

But technically, I spent 3-4 hours today, playing and studying up on League, haha. I'm glad that I'll have League once RWBY is gone. Welp. 

It's fun to be a kid again. To fight and be badass and have Beyonce's Formation as a battle song. Geez. Exhilarating. I feel like I can finally breathe. I feel like I could do anything and technically, kill anything :P I promise I'm not into violence but getting in kills is one of the most satisfying things a noob can have in her bloodstream. 

Perhaps I may have convinced you to download the game? 

Let's spend some time playing today. :) Loosen up a little and settle some biznesssss

Your um good girl,

Ngoccieeee

P.S. Ngoc from the future (4/15) Katarina is freaking BADASS what the actual heck. I'mma go slash everything in my wayyyy <33

Random Update

I'm feeling all shaky, in my soul, my fingers, the tip of my head, after eating seven sweet tarts, three chocolate kisses, and a rice krispie treat.

Today is going to be a great day. 

Episode 53: That Crave

Over a month since I deleted the Facebook app off my phone. Such a simple thing. 

When I had the app, I would spend hours at a time scrolling until I found content that made me feel something. Anything. The butterflies. A good laugh. A good cry. If I stayed longer, I was convinced I would feel something new.

Yes, it's been over a month since the app disappeared from my phone, but my old habits reincarnated in other forms.

I read now, a lot. I read a variety of books. Books that make me feel smarter. Books that make my heart beat wildly. Or make me incredibly sad. Whatever feeling I'm searching for, I have a book for it. I have a song for it. I have a word for it. 

I never feel...full. Never quite. 

Or maybe I do feel full, but whatever fresh feeling I'm feeling eventually goes away. Then very quickly, I'm in search for the next thing.

It's as if at any sign of emptiness, I hurry off. 

Never realizing or appreciating the fullness when it's there. Or, yes, maybe I do appreciate the fullness but I fear every moment and at any sign that it'll dissipate.

Sometimes, I push myself. I wonder if I could feel more full than I usually do, if I were to do something else.

The search for gratification never stops. 

My attention span is much shorter than what it used to be. I'm one sad potato. 

Am I now reduced to what I search to consume? Search to feel? 

In Buddhism, the search for happiness is ridiculous. Happiness is a feeling. Feelings are fleeting. By searching for happiness, we suffer. Ironic, isn't it? We suffer our way towards that feeling. That fleeting ideal. 

And as desperately, we try our best to hold onto happiness for as long as we can. While we're happy, we wonder when it'll leave us. How long will it stay?

The search to feel is a craving. 

If we can cut this craving, and at least for a moment, wanting no more than what we already have, we can achieve a bit of peace. Counting our blessings. Stop the scramble. And exist.

Of course, I'm a hypocrite. And I'll always want to be happy. However, nothing is as secure as peace. But then you could argue that peace is also a feeling? So heck? 

Is it? 

Hm. Haha, I have no answers. Just a jumbo mumbo of thoughts in a pot.

What I do know is when I go outside after a long day, after hours of reading through government homeworks, after playing countless rounds of RWBY arena games on my phone, after exercising my shivering knee (yes, my knee can shiver-- ahhhhh it's weirdddd my friends), I open the front door. I visit my favorite plants. I sniff the refreshing cold air.

And I'm there. 

"There." A moment retrieved and saved. My mind clear. My face up to a sunless sky, or a sunny day, or a starless night, or a night decorated with lights. 

Everything is okay. For a moment. 

Perhaps I'm wrong. Or heck, I'm dead dead wrong. 

Peace is a feeling too then huh? But does it matter? Does it matter if I work my butt off to feel happy? To feel peace? Does it matter if I take deep breaths when I'm angry? 

Woah, oh no, I'm on a loose tangent again. 

It could matter and it could not. What I do know is experiencing peace, opens my heart. It opens my mind. It makes my breaths deeper. My eyes see farther. I feel like I've expanded, somewhere deep.

The beyond. For a bit. 

Sending an itty bitty bigly heart,

Ngoc

P.S. I miss you my friends. You know who you are. :(( :))