Episode 49: In Power and Imperfect

Staying in one place all day, every day, doesn't inspire me to do anything. I would feel defeated, each time as I attempt something new or learning something new, yet I am gifted with the gift of time. Days, weeks, months of time that I can decide what to do with.

Yet... I fall into the traps of games and Netflix. Not that they're traps, per say. However, whenever I spend time watching shows or playing games, I both feel great but also... not so great. A double-edged sword. As if time spent just living out the joys of "what's going to happen in the next episode" or "let's play another game. I'mma winnn" is going to make me any happier. It does, doing these things do, but only for a moment. It's not the kind of happiness that lasts for me.

As much as I indulge myself and as much as I read social media that convinces me that I need this, that I need "be kind to yourself. this is a difficult time." I can't help but feel that I'm over-indulging to the point that I'm not changing. I'm not improving or growing in any way. 

At this point, I wonder if it's self-harm. To not grow at all. 

On the same note, I'm also trying to figure out what major I might want to have and pursue. I'm trying to imagine my life. I'm trying to dream, but each time, I am left uninspired, unmoved, and later, undetermined to continue and call it a day. Pushing the efforts to ask myself these important questions to the next day, the next evening, the next morning. 

The fact that I haven't come up with any answer worries me but it doesn't surprise me. 

How am I supposed to know things I truly don't know? 

Some would call this the act of finding myself. 

But I must ask, what is there to find? If there's nothing there? 

My ill feelings about how each day starts meshing together, how uninspired I am, how stagnant I feel, and how I can't seem to find any answers about myself boil down to one thing.

I think I've had it all wrong. 

It's not about finding myself. 

That makes it seem like I have to go on a quest and locate what I don't have yet. Or to locate something that's always been within me that I didn't know I had. 

I think it's more about creating myself. I said it best to a friend of mine a few days ago during a knee-deep vent.

 I feel like... there's a lot of emphasis on "finding yourself." What if we had it all wrong? What if it was actually about.... "creating yourself?"

So really, taking what we already know or how little we know about ourselves and to keep exploring until we have a better vision of the lives we want to lead and then, creating that vision and making it a reality. Creating ourselves.

What if, right? 

After sending that text to my friend, I realized the truth in my own words and what the implications would mean.

What reality do I want? And if I can't make the smaller realities I want happen (write the short story I've always wanted to write, be able to run again, learn to sing this one song) then how can I make the bigger realities happen? 

Learning new skill after skill. Exploring and nurturing my curiosities. Creating new curiosities. Putting in the effort it takes to make my goals a reality. And slowly, with every new reality I achieve (which really means accomplishing each new goal lol), I am shaping myself. 

I am creating myself. 

I am in power of creating a knowledgeable, motivated, healthy, and intelligent human being. 

I am in power of creating experiences. Making them happen. Putting a finger on the map, getting myself there, bring the people I want there, and create the life I want. 

Create the me, that I want to be.

It might take forever for me to find myself. 

But it doesn't take forever to create myself. Creating myself slowly, and gaining the wisdom within the creating process, before and after the creating process. 

Having the stories to tell. Curating new skills, upgrading while also appreciating the present. 

Always. 

Lol, in more ways than one, this episode is pretty vent-y. 

Aren't they always? :P

I hope this episode finds you somewhere, snacking on something, or not snacking. Or listening to something you like. Or reading something you like (this blog!) or being curious about what your next creation might be.

I'm praying for you. I care about you. Good evening 'world!

Best,

Ngocie the girl turning twenty

ew that's so old.

omg, im turning 20. AGHGHGHGHGHHGHG

P.S. just breathe, kid. you got this. soon you'll be 90. hopefully. if not, big welps only. if yes, dang, i hope that when you're 90 and revisiting your own blog, that you feel, "yooo I called it!" give yourself a head pat and love your grandkids. omg grandchildren. ohmigod. that's if you'll have kids. :I if you don't though, then no grandchildren. but you know, 90 year olds have great-grand children so. 

great-grandchildren sound fun. 

great-great grand children sound more fun though.

i hope your friends are still alive. 

welp that just got unnecessarily dark.