episode notes from May 2017 :P

Episode ideas in case you run out:

- parents, family
- the perks of having a little sis
- connecting with nature
- going outside to think, self reflecting helps you get your life together
- just, go have fun, YOLO. one life maun.
- sleep, find that time to sleep
- if you've ever been sick, your health is your number one priority here
- Freedom
- listening to advice, honest advice - sometimes, that stuff can help. even from people you least expect to say eye-opening things. :I
- listen for once, you'll find something. you'll realize something you didn't before
- youtube teaches you a lot

the thing about writing these blog posts is the surprising amount of effort it takes to put words onto a document. Like you wouldn't know. It's about knowing how to play with words to bring out just the right amount of feeling, the right amount of everything that you want your message to carry. It's about weighing that and recognizing that your writing will have flaws and sometimes, I'd come back to my earlier posts and fix silly mistakes or add stuff or whatever. Writing is constantly a checking process and I love how once you write something, it's there forever. You never really forget an episode.

- 5/14/17

Episode 45: Vietnamerica Part 1

"Professor, I know this is my first year of college, but I truly want to get in touch with the Vietnamese side of me, the side that few schools or curricula have to offer, even here at Smith. Do you have any advice for someone like myself?" I explained to my advisor, a tall, kind, and calm figure sinking into his armchair, pondering his response to my thoughts. A part of me clung onto the hope that Smith did offer something Vietnamese, be it a course, a professor who knew lots about the country, or anything really. 

After a brief pause, he replies almost diplomatically, "I understand where you're coming from and it's unfortunate Smith can't do much for your situation, but I highly suggest you meet up with another one of my advisees. Her name is Vivian. You seem to have a lot in common with her. If you need help getting in touch with her, feel free to reach out to me." 

I could not have asked for a better advisor, but the truth was, I was still disappointed that I couldn't do more than talk to another Vietnamese upperclassman. I wanted to learn more about what it means to be Vietnamese American in a space that cultivates knowledge. I have the time, now, to pursue what I wish as I wish. I fear that after college, I may not have as much time to do whatever I want... 

It hurt that the only thing holding me back is a lack of resources in a five college system. Hey, I'm not giving Smith enough credit for all that it is has offered me, but yeah... I was sad about this for a while now until I finally did as my advisor advised, heh: I introduced myself to Vivian, who was in my comparative government class all along. Sitting less than 10 feet from me. Twice a week. 

I didn't know what to expect, but within the first two minutes of speaking with her, I already knew she was the person that could help me embark on my journey. She was the person that can answer most if not all my questions.

"Hi there Vivian. I'm Ngoc. Your advisor is Professor ***, yes?"

"Ah, yes," Vivian replies, with a calm demeanor. 

"What a coincidence! He is also my advisor. I told Professor *** that I wanted to learn more about what it means to be Vietnamese American and he recommended I talk with you, heh."

The next few minutes talking to Vivian was glorious. Four words came to mind as we conversed excitedly about navigating the little knick knacks about Smith, especially when you're Vietnamese-American.

She's graceful, elegant, thoughtful, and kind. Her eyes lit up, talking about it all. Her excitement was contagious, and soon enough, I felt hopeful again. My mind clear, filled with energy, already zooming through the next three years at Smith in a blur, exciting about all I could do. All I could be. All I would discover.

I wanted to be like her.  

In short, I was kind of starstruck. 

"Have you read Ocean Vuong? ....Something I'm working on at the moment is advocating for more Asian American classes here. We have like, four. There's also PANAsians I think you should look into... when you're Vietnamese-American, it's strange, because VSA at Smith seems to have a divide between the Vietnamese-Americans and Vietnamese Internationals...ah, studying Vietnamese through the five colleges, haha..." 

And it went on. Our conversation ended at the door of Seelye Hall, but before it did, we ran into our Professor, our advisor. 

"Professor! I finally did it! I finally talked to Vivian like you said!" I called up the stairs.

Turning around from the stairs above us, he remarked, "I don't like the two of you hanging out together. Something about the two of you hanging out together feels like something big will happen."

Honestly? I felt that too. 

I left the school building feeling like my journey at Smith just got spicier. 

I can't turn back now.

And it feels wonderful to know that someone incredible like Vivian exists to inspire and challenge my readied views of a simple question: what can I do now to contribute and understand more about myself and the community I come from?

Your excited, summery, one-good-kneed girl,
Ngoc

P.s. Hello my amazing peoplesss :) It's been two months huh? I wrote this episode about three months ago, ready to publish but somehow I got busier than I should have been, with a torn ACL and Smith having us scat-scat-scatterrr. 

I hope this episode finds any and all of you happy and healthy. I pray for all of you. You're in my heart and you're free to check this song below for a good pick me up. :) (warning, there's zombies for the first minute and it's so freaking lit)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR0Mic_J_wM

P.p.s. In case Vivian, you see this episode yourself, I have to thank you. Your existence itself is already an inspiration. You have worked tirelessly at Smith to create a safe space for other Vietnamese students like me who are far from home and far from their Vietnamese(-American) communities.

You've gone off starting your life in the middle of a pandemic but knowing you in the small ways that I do--  the world isn't ready for you. It isn't; it probably doesn't deserve you.