Episode 44 - Special post!: Vietnamerica

This post is different. As a first-generation student, I was a part of the First-Gen Out Loud program at my school. Each of my friends and I made videos sharing a piece of our story. :)

Below is a link to mine. ^_^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1SshS6Wt-k&list=PLiU2Yj6S1O3TBd-S6eS-9Z3f1fRwEPsMC&index=33

I hope you'll enjoy! Like, comment plzzzz ;)

Episode 43 - I Want to Buy Her a House

It was around Christmas time of last year when one of my mother's customers needed a pedicure and couldn't leave her house, so my mom, sister, and I took the car over and serviced her.

Let's call this customer Eva. Eva is a bright, joyful older woman with a happy lilt to her voice and springs under her feet. My mother, Yen, and I walked into her home and was awed by its vastness, decor, and extravagance. Everything was so neat. The wooden floor was so clean, it was reflective. The lighting was bright but warm and there was so much space between things. Space between recliners, space between tables. And there were so many framed works. Even the TV was framed. It was hard not to look like we wanted to live there.

My Mom easily looked like the happiest woman on earth. Her eyes reflected her dreams. She's been in the US for over 25 years and has always wanted a beautiful home. A simple, beautiful home with a simple, beautiful view. 

"That's all I want. Oh, and a garden. I want a garden big enough to grow every beautiful thing."

And I'm seeing her come alive like that, in someone else's home. It's not that she can't give herself these things, but she would have to work to death and live on nothing to afford a place like that with the things it had inside. Naturally, it would only be me, to make sure the rest of her dreams come true. 

To afford her a beautiful place with a beautiful view. A simple thing like this isn't simple to get. 

And I'm 19. I do feel excited about my life. There are so many options and so many things I can be. But at the end of the day... what's going to bring me happiness but also allow me me to afford my mother the happiness she deserves? 

Look, I'm not an idiot. A new house and beautiful things wouldn't easily make my mother happy, persay. Spending time with her is, of course, a big part of that, but there's only so much life she has left and she's sacrificed her youth and life for me and my sister and her extended family that I feel this giant need, this obligation as a daughter, to give her the life that she's seen watching American movies or whenever she takes us out to go trick-or-treating at the more affluent neighborhoods. Those were mere moments. I want to give her experiences that is a part of her everyday life.

These things need money. A good source of money. 

As I write this, I'm only a first-year in college. Yes, I have time. And I'm lucky to be on generous scholarship in order to afford college, but there's only so much college left until I have to fend for myself and for my family. 

My mother's poor nail salon business can only float for so long. 

Money isn't everything. But it can buy her things. Afford her travel plans to a beautiful island. A cruise to Southeast Asia. A reliable water well in her hometown. Elegant dresses. Experiences. Things.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't. 

It doesn't make it easier, since that December at Ms. Eva's house, that I realized how much money I want to make, that I'll need to make to make it. I've been feeling really scared lately, that I might not be able to make this happen. To afford her dreams. I have a vague idea of public policy something, of sociology something. These kinds of "ideas" of mine aren't traditional enough to lead me to where I would be to do what I want to do. 

She's never been one to force me into something for the sake of money. These are all my thoughts and I wish I didn't feel so constricted by this new realization of mine, but I am. There's no safety net for me here. I don't have relatives to fall back on. My father is retired. My mother will work until the day I make enough that she won't have to. That's all we got. Haha, this is it. I'm it. 

I just... geez I don't know what I'm going to do. Should I just be a doctor, be on the safe route, and go there? Should I just be a corporate lawyer, another safe route, and make the big bucks there? An economist? Haha, maybe not. A data scientist? A moo-moo? A chicccen? welp. im so so so lost. 

What does make all of this easier is when I set my mind on something, I have the grit and resilience to go through with it. It'll happen. I just gotta put some things together. And think. And wonder. And dream. My good friend Manal once told me this with eyes so intense and feverful, I couldn't forget: "Stop being so realistic for once. Dream big! Don't be afraid!" Haha. Okay, buddy. Just this time... I will still think about the numbers though, but maybe not dream and do math at the same time. :P

Maybe I'm putting all this weight on this more than I should. But I swear to every good god that I want to see my mother smiling like that again, not in someone else's home, but ours. 

Your sad sad girl,

Ngoc

P.S. My story is not unique, or for that, my own. I've just been a late-bloomer when it comes to reality and there are undoubtedly individuals going through worse worse. Praying for those that are. Don't know what's going to happen. But something will... 

P.P.S. I'm just the most confused teenager ever. Speaking of teenagers. My little sister looked at me in the eye one morning and told me one thing I couldn't have if and when I turn 20. And that's a teenage pregnancy. 

I don't know why I laughed, but I did. God, my sick humor. And hers. :I