After getting off a call with my younger sister a while back, I realized something a little too simple and a little too painful: I've taken life too seriously for well too long.
Yen is in her sophomore year of high school. On the phone, she talked about how stressful she felt not knowing what she wanted to do, what she wanted out of life, how she should start planning for college. She's worried she doesn't know how to shape a compelling story to sell herself... she felt all these pressures to figure herself out. To "figure" herself out. To "sell" herself to colleges.
"Ngoc, I feel like I'm not worrying about this enough. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to start getting into Tufts. I just want to be happy with my classes, but I don't know what I enjoy..."
All of these worries that her little self has... She's 16, my god. I remembering being 16. 3 years ago, I had felt all these pressures. I remember little beyond the hours that had passed where I'd just be sitting in front of homework or researching scholarships and colleges. Lots of it. *agh*
In my high school, "college" was a natural word. Everyone worked hard. Working hard, sleeping little, coffee, and scoring well was our mantra. All of that work to be where we are today...
Hey, I'm glad I worked hard. And I'm proud of those that have too. Hard work definitely pays off.
But isn't there another conversation we should have with our younger generation? With ourselves? "How much is too much?"
Personally, I had allowed all these pressures to invade my everyday space. I was hurting myself, and I didn't know it. I did the AP thing where I loaded my schedule with many AP classes, with the hopes that I can prove how deserving of a scholarship I was, that I was a hard worker... I didn't allow myself to have fun. I ploughed through. It was an unhealthy and unhappy process-- my mantra? Getting myself as close to a full-ride as I can. Whatever that looked like. And hey. The dream is real. It happened. But... at what cost?
Sometimes, I wonder, "Would I still be where I am today without having to work as hard as I did? Would it have changed things too much if I didn't take the extra hours to study this or that or spend more time with family?"
Because now, I'm away from family. The very family that raised me. Where has the time gone? Was it really my fault for being so caught up in the swell that is my future? Clinging onto the pedestal that seemed inescapable -- there's no other way to be amazing than to attend a great college. "You're going to be set."
There exists a pedestal for getting kids to the Ivies or the top liberal arts colleges. These schools deserve their names. They do. Just, are we pushing them too hard?
Are we letting them grow up too fast?
One second, I was a college-hopeful high school freshman, working hard, not noticing how hard was hard until I felt the tears welling yet again. "Gosh mom, it's going to be another all-nighter..." Next, I find myself researching colleges, excited at the prospect that pizza in the north is better than pizza from the South. The next second, I'm working to the last sweat to tackle my AP tests as a senior. "You're almost there. You're almost done," they said. "Done with? What am I done with exactly?" I thought, as I sat in the audience, gripping the time sheet in my hand with who says what when, unwilling to let go of high school despite the mountain that it was, yet smiling and waving the audience as if I'm sure what happens next... as if the next chapter of my life is pre-written, pre-read, full of spoilers my father's already whispered and my mother worries about. I glided across that stage as if I'm promised a happy ending.
Soon enough, I find myself sleeping alone in a dorm room, with nothing but a few things from home.
All of my hard work for another bed to sleep in, another space to study in.
Senioritis is a thing. But I realized too late that what mattered most were the friendships and relationships I had with friends and family. Those are the things that last for a long time...
It's like running a 5k. The finish line grows closer to you, and you're almost there, but it's like... those last few seconds, you know you can make it. You're going to be there-- of course you'll cross the finish line. However, something about those last few seconds makes you want to whip your head around and look at how far you've come, look at all the things your eyes missed because they were so set on the road, drinking and savoring it.
Soon enough, you're across the finish line. Your legs have been moving forward automatically, spinning wheels of their own.
What I'm trying to say is... you're going to be where you're meant to be. You're going to be where you want to be. Of course, you'll need to put in effort to get there, but if all you see behind those eyes is the goal and the goal only? You might miss a handful of amazing sights. You might sit where I am, and I say might, because I know someone will fight me on this, haha, and right... You might sit where I am and wonder my very questions, "Were those years worth it? Where has the time gone?"
What I hope for my younger sister, my niece, my nephew, and for you is that... we live our lives healthily, happily, kindly, and *sigh*, live in a way that we can look back on and feel a bellyful of warmth.
That warm feeling? It's an indication of time well-spent.
I hope you feel warm when you don't regret spending an extra half hour on the phone calling home instead of beginning work a little earlier. Warm when you think about that detour you took just to walk a little longer outside under the sun. Warm when you took a short break in between it all to look out the window and dream.
Warm.
And if you don't understand what I'm trying to get at? hm... go eat your favorite food, or treat, or dessert. Eat it. Now think, did you regret eating it? Maybe it wasn't a healthy snack/food. Maybe you ate a little too much of it. But the feeling is the same yes? You felt happy eating it right? Dare I say, you felt satisfied devouring it?
Satisfied.
Satisfied is a feeling too. Almost warm, yes? :)
Don't take life too seriously. Leave room for messiness. Leave room for lazying around. Leave room for lungfuls of cold air. Leave room for dancing, swinging, flying. Leave room for unplanned lengthy phone calls.
Because you never know, you never know if one day you can't do the very things you thought you could anymore. Or if the people you love will be there, just a walk or drive away.
One second, I lived with my family, holding my sister close. The next second, I'm free. I'm out. I'm alone. Alone with new faces, new textures, new hands to hold.
It's unfortunate. I went to New York City last month, on my own, and... well. I forgot to taste the pizza, the pizza that deliciousness was promised. Haha. :P
I hope this finds you well. I hope this finds you warm, despite the winter setting in.
My heart goes out to the world tonight-- to those who aren't warm, in every sense of the word :), and to those who are :).
Let's feel warm today. Let's feel warmer tomorrow. We'll be where we're meant to be. ^_^
Your girl,
Ngoc
P.s. Another imperfect episode, :P. This one took a while to crack. Honestly? There were actually 4 different episode 41s that I have on standby in case I hated all of them. But how can I hate any of them if they came from me?
There was so much I wanted to discuss more in this episode. So much to touch on. Episode 41. Wow. 41% of the way there, to 100 episodes.
P.p.s.
Shout-out to Yen, my sister. Awaiting my arrival to Houston. I'll be home for Christmas. My heart is all yours. :)
Shout-out to my newfound friends at Smith. I can't believe I have friends, ohmigod. <3
Shout-out to Lucy, who may be back home in Texas-- I love you. I support you. I can't believe we'll see each other soon.
Shout-out to Faith, who may be all the way in Illinois, our friendship never wavers. In fact, it feels strengthened by the distance. I love you. okayitakeitbackyouprobsthinkimgay4u
Shout-out to my nephew and niece in DC. I wish you both strength. I wish that you realize the wealth of love that you mother surrounds you with.
