(Just Life with Ngoc) : Episode 32 - "Failing Well"

Failure. Is. Tough.

Yet... so unavoidable. So integral in the human experience.

Yes, you've heard that before. I'm sure you have.

But for those who have yet to experience it... failure is just that: tough. Tough to swallow. Tough to get out of. Tough to admit.

About two months ago, my mentor led a group discussion, focusing on just that: failure.

"Why?" she asked. "Why would you not want to talk about failure?"

My friends and I had various answers:

"Admitting to failure is like swallowing your pride," said one.

"I don't... I don't know. It's just that failure has a negative connotation," another said.

"The fact that the failure even happened means I didn't try hard enough."

These are just the few answers I can vaguely remember on the top of my head this time of the evening, haha. But, really.... failure. Failure, hm?

Everyone had their own definition of failure and what failure meant to them. You probably have your own definition too. Whatever it is, I need you to pause here and think about it. Think about what failure means to you and why you probably wouldn't talk about it.

.
.
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You got it? Yes? Good. Alrighty. We'll come back to that shortly. ^_^

The most impactful pieces of my group conversation that day was... just how can we make failure a positive thing? How can we accept failure for what it is: a learning, growing experience? instead of suppressing it within us and letting it stay there, festering into something bigger than it is?

And hey. I'm not some inexperienced soul here.

I've recently began a club at my high school and despite mass advertising for two entire weeks, I guess my co-founders and I wasn't able to find a way to appeal our new club to the masses well enough... because.. at the interest meeting, only three people showed up, haha. My friends and I had prepared tirelessly, making sure things were together... that day, I felt so internally shaken. I was at a loss of words. My friends too didn't know what to say. We were nowhere close to our goals if we started off as weak as we were. That day had a lot to teach me.

Perhaps, failure doesn't get easier with time, but it does gets easier with experience. The blows grow softer each time.

So continuing the story, my club's first official meeting became a huge success of... 10 people! Yeah!! Haha. However, the second meeting right after was a huge bump in the road. Only three people showed up and I was a one-man show, because one of my friends was facing some emotional turmoil. And. Yeah. It's as awkward as it sounds. All the plans we had made nights before had to be altered on the spot. I was scared. Scared that I've failed. Again. But... this time, the wave of self-doubt didn't hit me as strongly as the first time I faced failure. 

And why is that?

Because that first interest meeting served as a vaccine for the next failure I encountered with my club. And yes... there were definitely more club-related mishaps, but the point is... failure can be an emotional vaccine for future failures. It shocks you less. AND you're prepared to move the heck on.

I've moved on and I've learned. But each time I've "failed," I can only be grateful for the experience I had. I can only accept what happened and move on. I can either submit to the weight of it or leverage my journey onward with what I know now. It's not the end of the world. In fact, it's the beginning each time, because the knowledge I've garnered whenever I've tripped and fallen were all the more crucial down the line of experience. I've become a better person because of it all. ^_^

And what's more? Don't give up despite the vmsdklfvnerivsnr of failure. Please. Don't.

Here's a Rocky quote I think really relates to this episode:

“Every champion was once a contender who refused to give up.” — Rocky

hell yeah.

Lastly hey. I know you're reading this and thinking, "Sounds great. Don't give up to? Sure."

Yes. All of that and more. But seriously, do me a favor and the next time you encounter this ish yourself, I need you to write about it. Open a Word Doc on your laptop or spill pen on paper and really break what you're feeling down. Not every aspect of what you did leading up to your mishap was necessarily a negative thing. Break it down into bits and soak in what you feel.

Because I hope that when it comes, when failure hits you, that you'll have an honest conversation with yourself. And that no matter what, you'll appreciate yourself and how far you've come; there's so much more road left to run. 

Don't give up. Champion the heck out of it all, and get up.

Be brave for me. I believe in you. :)

Your Girl Who Failed Quite a Bit, haha,
Ngoc

P.s. For the record, the second meeting was still a success. At least to me! Despite a showing of 3, my members were so incredibly loyal and we came up with the most radical and amazing ideas about how to change the world.!~ 

P.p.s. New Year is around the corner and as always, I am deeply grateful for the memories I've made this semester so far. The people who've stayed and taken care of me. The people who, despite their hectic schedules, still say, "Yes, Ngoc. I got you." It's people like you that keep me motivated to be optimistic, hopeful, and brave. And it's people like you that make the world a truly better place, just by being who you are. 

(Just Life With Ngoc): Shortie Episode 31 -- The Little Things

Perhaps it's just a "Ngoc" a thing, but the reality is, all it takes is one small, wonderful thing to make my day. Heck. Yes.

Yesterday was an awful day. One word describes yesterday best: CHAOTIC. It was even... PAINFUL,

I was running around school during lunch and homeroom and even between transition periods, trying to communicate to various situations coming at me. Mostly family related....I felt as if I was going to collapse at any moment. Physically, I was sick. Mentally, I was anywhere but school. I just wanted everything to just... stop. Pause a second and catch my breath. Listen to silence and soak in it for as long as I needed. 

But alas, yesterday proved to me again how resilient I have to be to overcome tough situations that life hands me. 

But you know what? All it took were some of my friends, who noticed that I hadn't had lunch :(, to remind me, "Hey. Ngoc. This is going to pass. I believe in you. And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me." 

(Hey. You know who you are. The three of you. Thank you so much. <3)

I would not have been able to pull through the rest of the day without those words. It was as if time slowed down in that wonderful moment. For the rest of the day, if I felt as if I was truly going to collapse, my mind would replay that short but beautiful moment over again and again. Maybe the actual encouragement itself, the words, have grown hazy. But that warm, happy feeling that someone out there (and in this unique situation, someone(s)) believed in me won't ever go away. If I would only give myself two seconds to appreciate the seemingly little things that people who cared for me have done, then I would have enough to carry me through for hours, days, weeks, and even years to come. 

I hope you can find that too, whoever you are. I hope you can find the little things in life that truly do make your day. Let yourself remember. Let yourself soak in that warmth. I know you'll make it.  

Your good vibes girl,

Ngoc

P.s. Shout-out to you..  I hope you know who you are. If you don't, I'm going to be sad. :( :P

Thank you for hugging me buddy. Even if you've reminded me countless times that you're NOT a hugger. <3 It meant so so much. ^_^

(Just life with Ngoc): Episode 30 -- AP Classes (-_-')

Heya readers,

Your girl Ngoc here. Finally! Yay! I'm back!!!

But I'm gonna discuss AP classes? Wuhtttt?!!?

I know. Lame. But seriously.

AP classes are a huge part of my life and maybe even yours, yet unknowingly, I've let it take over-- a little too late to get out of the entire kaboozo now. heh.

So let me clarify everything with a story.

It was around the wee hours of midnight. As usual, I was staying up for an assignment again. Maybe the assignment was especially difficult. Or maybe it was the fact that I've suffered chronic sleep deprivation for weeks and weeks. Nah, more like months.

The weariness began to increasingly settle somewhere deep within my soul and my eyes slowly adjusted away from my assignment. I kind of just stared off into space. A few minutes more of pondering "why am I putting myself through this.... tiredness again? What the **** is motivating me to stay up so late despite EXHAUSTION?!?!"

And then I came to a (and I think a very obvious) realization that I really did just waste the last four years of my high school career. Yeah. y-u-p

It was a LOT to take in.

(okieee let's break this down. W_E_L_P)

What felt so overwhelming was this immediate realization that I had... let college be the center of my life for as long as I could remember.

Dark. Yeah.

And because I did that, I had attempted many times to look great on paper. Of course, I still don't, heh. But the point is... I had willingly subjected myself to take AP courses I had no interest in, fully believing that that would make me look more competitive on college applications...That perhaps, as a low-income Southeast Asian girl who seemed as if she was challenging herself, I would have a chance to make it big.

A chance to escape a label I grew up with: "low-income student who will probably end up going to a CC nearby. wow."

I mean, hey. Let this girl get into an Ivy or a LAC if she wants. Let the girl dream, right?

But perhaps I dreamt and longed for college way too much? I remember starting high school so optimistically. Joining multiple clubs that seemed super cool at once but in reality, I just ended up unable to dedicate to any of them because of my course load. I was invited to multiple parties and declined every single one of them because of either homework or because I thought that for every lost hour of work, that equates to a lesser chance of me making it to... well... making my dreams come true. -_- Not only that, but throughout my years at  --- (Let's call my high school Hardie) --- Hardie, I fervently felt the need to take as many APs as I could, trying to show off my academic skills to colleges...hoping I'd stand out....

I had slept many late nights, believing that this would all be worth it. That I would come out stronger, better. Convinced that all my weariness and lack of social life were mere opportunity costs towards something greater, a small sacrifice for the grand amount of opportunities I'll have when I get that acceptance letter to the school of my dreams.

Yeah. That's a pretty standard way to survive high school, yes? And maybe it's because I'm Asian so this all immediately fits into the AZN STUDENT STEREOTYPE. gREAT.

But right now, as I sit here pondering the last few years, I can't help but feel as if I've seriously messed up.

Gosh, my feelings are everywhere right now, but what I do know in this moment, is that instead of loading my life with as many AP courses as I did, I wish I entered high school with a different mindset; I should have focused on myself.

Instead of building a shiny resume, I should have focused on developing myself as a person. Exploring myself. Having new experiences and building a stronger, more resilient young woman.

I mean, sure, yes, I kind of did do that. Through this blog, of course! But the truth is, I wish I had more time to myself for myself. More free time to explore who I am and who I want to be in the safe time frame that is high school. Not that college isn't a great place to do that, but instead of investing 99% of my energy into a future I am unsure of, I should have invested in myself... in the present. In the absolute reality that I know and build off from there... *And most of that really means loving myself and giving myself more time to do anything. Even if that really means staring blankly at a wall for 15 minutes. Funny, but you and I can build a universe in the span of 15 minutes.*

And not only that but... I feel as if I've lost my childhood to hours and weekends full of homework and poor time management on my part. If I can redo high school, then I would only wish to make more time to spend with my family and friends. All those mindless hours of stress and work and assignments and preparing for a test or a quiz, fearful of B's and C's.... wow. A waste. I remember and will probably remember none of that.

Had I filled those working hours with bonding experiences or new experiences, I would have more to remember. More to be happy about as I reminisce instead of a timeless zap back into a past full of sad versions of Ngocs just sitting somewhere, hovering yet again over her laptop or reading a textbook. Sad. Pathetic. No fun.

I wish I had more time. No. I wish I made more time for the people that mattered to me. I wish I made more time and was braver to try new experiences. I wish that I.... well. It's all in the past now, isn't it?

What I still have in my hand is the present. Glorious. Beautiful. Resilient. Now. And you and I? We're gonna make the very best with what we have without.... without neglecting the hw and the tests and quizzes. They're still important too, but just don't be me and put them all in your direct eyesight. Heh.

I'm not going to end this episode with any piece of advice for you, my faithful audience. Advice are words you grab onto if you desperately need it. So to leave this open-ended almost, I'll leave some advice for myself instead, if that's okay. :P

(Advice-to-self: So. Ngoc. When you're in college or anywhere else later in life, I need you to focus more on building friendships and enjoying, basking in the life right in front of you. Of course, don't entirely neglect your studies dumbo, because college is $$$$$$$. I mean, as long as you don't become an AP course and overload your life with the ish that does not matter. 

But.... just... give yourself more space to dance and climb and experience and build more layers of an already pretty cool human. I trust you can do it, buddy. We may not know what we'll want in the future, but for now, what we want is to be happy. And hopefully, die happy. Bless your soul.)

Let's leave this world with a SHUBANG!

Thank you so much for reading and supporting my blog! <3333

Your most optimistic soul,
Ngoc

P.s. It's been months months since I've written my last episode... ohmigod. But hey. I promise I'll get back on our feet.  I love writing episodes for my blog. It's just... soo... freeing. 
So. I will. be. back. ^_^

P.p.s. Also. Would it be weird if I called my audience the.... "Ngoc-ers"? :P