(Just Life with Ngoc): Episode 22 - What With Awkward Posts

Dear buddies!

I… know. I promised myself, I promised you all I’d never write another episode about any of the chummy, hearty, fluffy feelings stuff IN EPISODE 7. I know. I did. But… gosh. The truth of the matter is, yes, heartfelt break up music is playing in the background, not ironic at all, haha, and… yes, I have someone special in my life.

It’s not love. But sometimes, when it’s late and I lay awake thinking of the magic he makes me feel, what I truly feel is so close to another word: I like him. Wow. I know. I'm making this all super sarcastic, but gosh, I feel, at this point, as if I’m telling you a story of failure, failure yet to happen. Or, failure bound to happen. Or, failure that may never happen. I don’t know yet. And that’s the truth. Heh.

First off, I’m young. Big shocker. I had already confessed to a guy I liked for a short while almost a year ago and had since promised myself never to involve this fragile heart of mine in anything like "that" because it’ll only end up getting mangled and beaten. Created in all its glory only to burn and evolve into something completely other. I’m still so young. So naïve. So… immaturely, clingy, haha…. And yet, yes, of course it had to be someone like him to come along and break all my promises. In the best ways, of course. 

How it started? One simple, carefree conversation that lasted for hours. Yeap.

And yes, I see the trend too. I’ve a thing for hilarious, carefree conversations? No duh.

Anyways, hah, the next thing I knew, he and I texted each other almost every day. And god, if you can really narrow it all down to one thing I like about this guy (which is really really really hard), it’s his considerateness. So considerate. Always aware of my boundaries, boundaries I had clearly told him in the early buds of our friendship. Always making sure I’m comfortable. Letting me set the pace of our more-than-friends situation and making it clear that yes, I get to own the joystick and steering wheel. And because he did that, because he let me set our pace, I literally misled myself for three months thinking we were “just friends that liked each other.” Only recently, did it finally occur to me that we were more than that, that we were more than friends. I’m slow. I’m sorry. Really. And to you too buddy, who is most likely still swamped in apps, I’m sorry too.  

And what else? God, his respect. How much he respects my time. How much he respects me. And his effort to clear misunderstandings between us and to vocalize, bravely, how he feels about.... anything. And when he says what he feels about me, you have no idea, but my heart pounds like an orchestra bass drum. Then there's his faith in us when I feel too confused and scared to have any. And... the way he knowingly makes me laugh and I'd have to catch myself from smiling too much or my parents would think I'm not studiously studying. I've barely kept a straight face so many freaking times. Hahaha..

And I get it. I get it. You’re probably wondering, how in the name of all things warm and cozy have I not asked this guy out?

The truth is I… don’t want to make so many attachments to him that when the time to say good-bye finally comes, I wouldn’t be able to let go. Of the thought of him. The way my heart would jolt in on itself when I receive a little good evening text from him. How I can’t stop smiling with my eyes reflecting the light of my phone on some really warm, fuzzy nights. The way I manage to associate any love song to him. How just wondering about what he’s doing at random times in the day would make me want to reach for my phone impulsively. And how just one thing he would say would be on my mind throughout the next day. It’s crazy. But it’s not love, remember? And I know that. I just… really really really really really like him.

And god, the longing. For him. For his presence. We don’t go to the same school. Long distance in a sense but more… so close, yet so far. That’s how we are. Despite how we feel about each other, meeting up in person always proves a challenge. But god, sometimes I miss him so much. It almost physically hurts. And haha, if you’re thinking I miss him in the “ohhhh, you live so far that I can’t have sex with you whenever I want” sense, think again, buddy. Think again. *pat pat* But really, sometimes the distance between us hurts. It hurts me indirectly, but it makes our meetings that much more meaningful. However…. If you know me….. I have a way of being sucky when it comes to making the most of our time when we do meet. I’m still learning, but god, next time, when we do meet, I’m making every second worth it.

What makes our “more than friends” friendship so awesome is the trust. We trust each other so much. With all the happy things and even the super dark stuff. We always manage to bounce right back up after discussing seriously dark topics. And honestly, we would have amounted to nothing, if we didn’t trust each other to carefully take care of each other’s emotions, thoughts, and misunderstandings. Put it into a safety box, lock it away where only we know, and if we ever need to come back to the box, we’d both open it at the same time, together. Together.

But we’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. He’s not perfect. And years of distance and separation during college if we ever make it that far will prove difficult, so freaking difficult. I just want to cry thinking of that…. I’d most likely be miserable missing him while trying to make a new life, a new home in my college years without him. And senior year… next year… haha, that’s IF this goes on that long. Heh. Heh. Hah. I’m practically laughing like a madwoman because I'm thinking way toooooo far ahead. Of course I can survive and thrive prosperously without him and his presence, but just, the thought of him, not being able to be there with me. To hug me when I need a hug. Just… to hold me. Like, now. Now when he’s not here and I’m living off of break up songs that I have no reason listening to if we’re not even dating. My godddddd. *commence the self-whacks*

But hey. What we have is awesome. The dynamics are new and thrilling. And like all new and thrilling things do, they slowly wear off but they’re replaced with something more meaningful and long lasting. Trust. Support. I see a haven in him. A listening ear I can come to when we’re reasonably awake enough to be good listeners of course. X’D And a source of powerful, deep insight. He’s wayyyyyyy smart. And I’m… eh. And sure, sometimes certain differences pop out like a sore thumb, but in those moments, I stop to remind myself why I’m still on the phone with him or still texting him or still thinking about him (I’ve gotten better at thinking of him less. It’s a time thing. You’ll get better at it too because you’ll slowly realize you’ve a life outside of this ginormous crush. 😊), and just let myself accept the fact that we're different. It's just up to the job of constantly communicating between each other, to smooth over misunderstandings, and you know what? He and I have never ever fought each other. I've never found myself angry at him, and hopefully, he hasn't at me, heh. It's really just been minor misunderstandings that just needed to be communicated. And we did that. So maturely. Even through tears sometimes over on my end, but we managed. We're okay. We're so fixable, it's amazing. :) 

So yes, while what we have is awesome. I know we can’t last. He’ll end up finding and connecting with someone smarter, prettier, less clingy and needy somewhere at Yale or UChicago while I end up at a cutesy all women’s college hundreds of miles away (heh if I get accepted). So while I am hellishly jealous when that happens, a part of me, a deeper part of me will find solace that someone else will be able to make him happy in ways I can’t. That’s actually… terribly sad and hella depressing, and I’m probably lying to myself if I ever say I’ll be completely happy with that thought but hey, when you cherish someone that much, so much that it goes beyond yourself and your own needs, it will be freaking hard andtakeawhilehuehueeeeeearghghghghghg but you’ll be able to be happy that they’re happy even if a piece of you will hurt like hell.

And that’s the truth. The truth that what he and I have will most likely end. And… god, while that may suck for me so freaking much, it’s a truth I may as well accept. It’s inevitable. It’s unavoidable. And I can try and elongate what time he and I do have left together, because of how beautiful and awesome and warm and colorful letting him be a part of my life is, but I can’t avoid the unavoidable. Acceptance.

Accepting… that truth. Gah.

GAH. CURSE THIS BEATING HEART. THIS HEART THAT BEAT ALL TOO FAST THOSE MANY TIMES. THESE HORMONES THAT HAVE DRIVEN ME MAD. CURSE THE FACT THAT I’M 17. CURSE THE FACT THAT I WISH I HAD MET HIM MUCH LATER, WHEN WE COULD HAVE BEEN CLOSER. MUCH… CLOSER. WHEN THIS TRUTH WOULDN’T HAVE TO LOOM SO FREAKING CLOSE TO MY FACEEEEEE.

I guess I had no point to this story telling. Maybe this was all some sort of crazy rant to let go of feelings I’ve already expressed to him but suddenly feel the need to put into words somewhere or I’ll burst while listening to super beautiful break up songs. Yikes.

I’m crazy. I apologize. Again.

On a slightly happier note. Because the freaking sad truth is unavoidable, it’s within my ability at the very least to make the most of what he and I share. It’s within our power to make this one heck of a time. And it will always be so until this all nicely closes, like a really good book you have a huge hangover for after finishing. Kind of like that. So I’ll find it within me to just… have fun. Be present. Fully present during the precious times I do get to spend with him. And give it my all. Haha, not my all alllll because of *cough* thebakery *cough* but a lot of me. I’ll throw it all in eventually. And just be unafraid and while it may hurt hellishly in the end, I choose to make this awesome while I still have him in my life in the way that he is right now. ^_^

And uh… thank you for reading this rant/insight into my crushy, fluffy life/or actual insight into a long distance “more than friendship” friendship. Haha, thanks for dropping by. Glad you did. 😊

Your seriously lovestruck friend that isn’t in love but just really really really likes someone a lot, so much so that it gets hella depressing,

Ngoc

P.S. If you’re him. God, I feel like this is the reenactment of episode 7 except this time you mean so much more. If uh…. Me sharing this to the public domain makes you feel uncomfortable, then… yikes. I’m sorry. This is part of who I am, buddy. Someone that shares … and while I meant everything I said above with all the depressing “unavoidables,” the lot. This episode, episode 22 on the third of January, is a record of how awesome you are, how precious you are, and how happy I am that you’re a part of my life in this moment. This moment. No moment less. No moment more. Just… thank you so much. One day, I’ll be able to look back and just smile while reading this. And you’d be the reason why. Or maybe cry. Haha, I honestly have no idea. Hopefully, smile. Smiling fondly. This episode here was more for me than it was for you, honestly. You know this about me by now, but when I finally put words down like this, it becomes real in my world, Charles. :P And hey, look. It’s going to be four months so soon. Four awesome months that will soon pass. You’re part of the reason why. Thank you for that. And for so much more that you either do or don't know about. :) *huggieeeee*

P.P.S. Just realized I write too passionately when it comes to these things. Hm. Interesting. 

P.P.P.S. And Ngoc, if you’re reading this all over again in the future, just know that you’re awesome. You are everything you can ever want. Even Charles said so. And hey, if you’re smiling while reaching to this point, you’re so strong. Keep that strength and never ever waver for me. And if you do just that, you’ll rock the rest of the world, baby child. *pat pat*

And hey, if you cried while reaching to this point Ngoc, just know that you are strong. I mean, you wrote all of this to save yourself ahead of time. I mean… how smart is that? If all else fails and you can’t stop crying, refer to that long donkey list you wrote on the bus, the one you mentioned in episode 21. Read it over again. Do that. Right now if you are. You have a lot to smile and live for. Your life isn’t over even if it feels like it is. Time heals all wounds. And eventually, time will heal this one too if it really is a wound. And hey, if everything fails, Yen will be there for you. Go to her. She’s someone that will love you endlessly. And you’ve your friends. Go to them if need be because they’ll let you cry forever, unflinchingly. But Yen is more accessible. And less awkward to cry on. Haha.

Hey. You got this.